That Clown from Outta Town - May 27th iMPACT

iMPACT time again. Hopefully Sting will attack wrestlers I don't like all night again. Plus, I want to see what happens to The Band following Scott Hall's arrest (although that may have happened after the show was taped - not sure), and I hope to see Angle vs Kaz - I want to get to Angle vs Joe ASAP! Please start with wrestling not talking this week TNA!

1:35 - Ooh, Band vs 3D vs Ink Inc :)
1:49 - Kaz vs Lethal - awesome :)
2:48 - Jeff, please be coming to fight, not to flap your lips.
3:51 - Ugh, talking :(
7:12 - Here comes AJ :D Hope this turns into a 3-way...
9:54 - Why does AJ look like a waxwork of himself?
11:11 - FUCK YEAH RING THE BELL
14:20 - Let's go Jesse! Show no mercy! Love TNA fans :)
18:48 - Cool, Jesse vs Bubba...hope it's no DQ!
20:29 - Whoa, RVD mentioning his opponent - is that a first?
21:04 - Kaz v Lethal :D Can't wait, this could easily be match of the night.
21:51 - Just noticed Lethal has new entrance music - guess Black Machismo is over :'(
29:43 - Cool match, slightly ruined by the postmatch drama, but at least Lethal slapped the shit out of Flair so it's all good :)
30:46 - Looks like Orlando Jordan laid out Shannon? He did that card thing before iirc...
32:15 - Here comes OJ...with Abyss stickers on his nipples? What?
32:53 - Abyss vs OJ - bit out of the blue. I'm sure Wolfe will be along shortly.
38:48 - Whoomp, there it is - haha, 'Get up, bubblegum'
39:47 - Freakbuster? Looks like a chokeslam to me...
40:38 - Here comes RVD - FUCK HIM UP STINGER
47:47 - They're promoting midget wrestling on TNA now...way to raise your profile.
49:33 - I was actually going to watch this match - Wilde and Sarita are pretty good - but they've got the midget wrestling guy on commentary. Fuck that. Fast forwarding.
56:28 - WOLFE V HARDY - This is either gonna be great, or a huge letdown. Don't fuck it up, TNA.
57:18 - FUCK YEAH ANGLE - Tell 'em, Kurt!
57:50 - Oh, he's commentating.
58:20 - Just realised, Kurt vs the top ten means Kurt vs Wolfe again as well as the Joe match - this is fucking awesome. I love this angle. Can't fucking wait for the Joe match though. Hope they have another red hot feud to hype it up, there was a time when I thought those two were going to kill each other.
61:00 - This match looks to be pretty good so far...please don't fuck it up with a run-in Abyss/Anderson/AJ/whoever
66:30 - Neat match, shame about the copout ending - I'd be happy to see these two go at it at PPV though
67:03 - Morgan's back :) FUCK HIM UP JOE
68:56 - Morgan issuing an open challenge for a tag partner - I'd love to hear Hernandez's music right about now :)
69:16 - Anderson calling out Angle? Is he mad?
71:24 - FUCK YEAH JOE FUCK EM UP JOE
72:18 - Joe and Angle eye to eye...you can cut the tension with a knife...Joe v Angle is going to be fucking awesome
73:24 - Cool, AJ vs Anderson...I'd usually write off an Anderson match before the bell rings but it's AJ...I'll give it a shot ;)
84:26 - Neat match, the post match drama wasn't much to write home about but I guess it continues the Hardy/Anderson love-in...

Pretty good iMPACT this week :) Joe vs Morgan seems to be brewing, Joe v Angle is going to be awesome, Jesse v Bubba is getting pretty hot...Sting v RVD is kinda going off the boil a little, Wolfe v Hardy will be great if it escalates into a feud - their match was pretty good until the ref bump. No Hogan, no Bischoff and minimal RVD makes for a great iMPACT, it seems.

Some suggestions for TNA should any of them actually read this:

1. Put Red back on TV! He's awesome! The fans love him!
2. Bring back Pope! Or at least update us on his condition! The fans love him!
3. BRING BACK SHARK BOY! THE FANS LOVE HIM!

Wrestling's worst heels continued...

Next stop on the tour of shitty gimmicked baddies is The Repo Man.

When I think back to Repo Man, I just think 'what the fuck?'

Basically the gimmick for this guy is he would carry a tow rope and pretend that he has been taking delight in repossessing cars that the owners couldn't pay for but was basically like the legendary riddler in the old 60's Batman, complete with crappy eye mask.

Not long after his eponymous debut, he started a feud with Virgil by causing him to lose the Million Dollar belt back to The Million Dollar Man; a feud with Virgil marks a significant arrival, a bit like saying "Welcome to the undercard, see you in obscurity in a couple of years".

He was also quite the jobber in the end.

His last feud of note was with the Macho Man Randy Savage when horror of horrors, he stole one of Randy's hats. The barrel was being firmly scraped with this one.


O.....k...

As you can see, his microphone wrestling isn't too bad, but it does make me cringe a little looking back.

Before he was the Repo Man, he was one half (or at times one third) of the gimp-tastic former tag team champions, Demolition - he was Smash.

Again, another generic character based heel, but with a mischievous nature - perhaps he could have been used as a face by causing grief to the other heels by nicking their stuff, just imagine him stealing Paul Bearer's urn and getting destroyed by the Undertaker...

Ratings: Microphone skills: 2.5/5, In ring: 2/5, Gimmick shiteness: 3/5.

Coming soon, Kamala.

That Clown from Outta Town: TNA iMPACT, May 20th

Pretty much the only thing I'm interested in going into iMPACT is what the backlash for the Sting match is going to be. As always, I hope they start with wrestling, not talking!

2:03 - FUCK YEAH ANGLE'S BACK!
2:30 - "Let's not waste another minute, let's bring out Eric Bischoff" - Er, what? Those two things are mutually exclusive...also, START WITH FUCKING WRESTLING, NOT FUCKING TALKING!
5:02 - Joe at fucking number 10?! Are you fucking mad? He should be top 5 easily, if not top 3...ffs!
5:07 - Here he comes...Muscle Buster on Bischoff please!
5:37 - ROB FUCKING TERRY IS ABOVE JOE IN THE RANKINGS? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?
6:26 - Wolfe only at 8? This is fucking bullshit. Fuck you, Bischoff.
7:08 - Pope at 7...that's probably about right tbh.
7:47 - Abyss at 6...I can live with that one too.
8:29 - Anderson at 5. With Joe at 10. Bollocks to that.
9:12 - Jeff Hardy at 4. That's too high imo, he's hardly set TNA on fire since showing up.
10:10 - AJ at number 3...probably about right.
10:56 - Kurt Angle at number 2? That's only right if Joe is number 1. Who the fuck is at #1? If it's Sting I won't be amused.
12:26 - It's Sting. What. I hope he does to RVD what he did to Jarrett.
13:27 - I agree with the fans who are chanting "We want recount"
14:07 - Sting vs Hardy. WON'T THAT BE FUN
16:05 - Here comes RVD to save the day...something interesting almost happened on iMPACT, luckily RVD was there to break it up.
16:53 - That was briefly awesome...Bischoff getting battered, Hardy about to get battered. Sting is actually becoming one of my favourite guys on TNA after decades of indifference towards the guy. But Joe still deserves a title match more.
19:00 - Knockouts - fast forwarding.
25:35 - Actually - why is Angle even on the #1 contenders list? He can't have another title match for the rest of the year, according to the stipulations for the last match he had against AJ...
26:22 - Here he comes :D It wasn't the same without Kurt.
27:49 - 'You still are' chant :3
30:22 - Angle to fight the entire top ten, starting at ten...ANGLE vs JOE MOTHERFUCKERS FUCK YEAH
30:57 - "He doesn't want it handed to him...Kurt Angle wants to earn it" - That's why Angle is the greatest wrestler in the word. Unlike the current champion, who is quite happy to have it handed to him.
31:34 - Beer Money vs Jay Lethal & Mystery Partner...glad to see Lethal back in the ring :)
34:24 - Orlando Jordan coming down from the rafters again - I wonder if him and Sting hang out up there?
38:04 - Hahaha DDT on his leg
43:13 - Jesse Neal vs 3D feud could be interesting...I like both teams.
45:03 - I think I'd rather see a handicap match with Lethal vs Beer Money than Lethal & RVD tagging against them. And I say that as a Jay Lethal fan.
47:59 - 8 man X-Division Battle Royale for the #10 contender spot? Could be great, could be shite. Battle Royales are tough to make interesting. I hope Red wins it. Red or Williams. I suspect Kaz will get it though, which would be cool too.
50:05 - Pretty good tag match. Might be my favourite RVD TNA match; he was hardly in it and Lethal is awesome.
52:12 - YES YES FUCK HIM UP STINGER
55:30 - The handover of Chelsea...this ought to be...interesting.
60:45 - Nothing like a good old fashioned bottling :) <3 England! That cut looks nasty...
61:21 - Raeptime for Chelsea
62:01 - The Band :) After seeing a few episodes of Last Call with Scott Hall I actually quite like him now.
62:23 - Haha, Eric goes 'I understand the boos' to the people booing. 'Boos' sounds like 'booze'. And he's standing next to Scott Hall. Well, I thought it was funny anyway.
70:47 - a Band vs 3D vs Ink 3-way feud would be awesome.
71:06 - X Division Battle Royale - fuck em up, Red
71:26 - And Red is first out. Ffs. Go Generation Me!
71:58 - And Max is out. I'm fucking cursed.
72:20 - And Jeremy is out. Go Sabin. Even though Kaz is blatantly going to win.
52:50 - And Sabin's out. The curse continues.
73:45 - Kaz wins. A 2 minute 8 man Battle Royale. 2 fucking minutes. Still, Angle vs Kaz should be fun.
74:35 - Sting vs Hardy. Fuck him up Sting.
79:08 - Sting seems to have turned into Superman - nobody can touch him. He's fucking Hardy up.
82:07 - That ref bump'll be on Botchamania.
83:41 - FUCK THEM BOTH UP STING

Fairly decent iMPACT this week. The Sting angle is building nicely (I still have no idea what it's about), the 3D/Ink feud is heating up, Jay Lethal back in the ring after way too long. No Destructo-Joe though T_T

Hogan to sue...

This is going to be my last post for a while. I'm going to a place with no internet or phone signal for at least 3 weeks. Maybe it's to sell an injury, maybe it's to finish a book on early-20th century sculptor Jacob Epstein, maybe it's to make chairs using traditional methods; who knows...

anyway I thought I'd leave you with a nice little video which has got Hulk Hogan crying like a bitch. This is from Pro Wrestling Insider:

"Hulk Hogan is going to the mat against The Flintstones.

Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, is suing the maker of Cocoa Pebbles, accusing the company of appropriating his image in commercials for the cereal.

In the "Cocoa Smashdown" commercial, a cartoon character resembling Hogan easily beats Fred and Barney inside the ring. But then Bamm-Bamm steps in and pounds the blond-haired, mustachioed wrestler to bits.

Hulk, the federal lawsuit states, "is shown humiliated and cracked into pieces with broken teeth, with the closing banner, 'Little Pieces…BIG TASTE!'"

The commercial character goes by the name "Hulk Boulder," which Hogan's lawsuit says is a name he used early in his career until wrestling promoter Vince McMahon decided he should have an Irish name.

The lawsuit says Post Foods never sought or received Hogan's permission to use his likeness to promote the cereal. Hogan says he raised his objections with Post in August, but the ads continued.

Hogan says he is marketing his own products, including the Hogan Energy drink and Hulkster Burgers, a line of microwaveable hamburgers and chicken sandwiches sold at Walmart.

The wrestler contends he has been harmed by, among other things, "the unauthorized and degrading depictions in the Cocoa Smashdown advertisements."

A Post spokesperson could not immediately be reached for comment."

http://www.pwinsider.com/article/47729/the-latest-recipient-of-a-hulk-hogan-lawsuit-is.html?p=1



I don't claim to be a legal expert, so I could be talking out of my anus, but I'm pretty sure that parody comes under Fair Usage... anyway, Hulk Boulder has far too much hair to even be considered a copy...

Socko's Absence

I'm not sure if Socko is planning to put anything up here, but just in case I thought I'd let you know that he's going to be incredibly busy with IRL stuff for the next few weeks, so I doubt he'll be posting all that much (if at all).

I'll still be here posting my thoughts on TNA and whatever else I happen to watch, I'm sure RFBF will chime in every now and again, and no doubt we're all on the edge of our seats with anticipation for the Shockmaster-esque debut of Duke Punchingham ;)

NXT: The end of Daniel Bryan

Not that anyone has been watching, but Daniel Bryan has been voted off of NXT.



Classic Danielson. I hope that WWE put him on Smackdown and build him up to take a few belts, then in a year or two move him across to Raw. If he goes to Raw now, he'll be lost in the mix. Danielson is the perfect candidate for a Smackdown push.

The American Dragon returns? Lets hope so!

Review: TNA Sacrifice 2010

So, with my drunken and incoherent ramble over The Clown’s predictions late last night, I figured it was time to write a more considered review.



The first thing I need to say about Sacrifice is that two things completely sucked: the crowd and Tazz’s announcing. I’m usually a fan of Tazz’s commentaries, but, man, he was seriously off his game this time. For most of the PPV, the crowd were flat; they didn’t seem to give a shit about the matches. Maybe this is because the PPV was in the Impact Zone, or maybe it’s because TNA management hadn’t spent much time building up any of the matches for people to really give a shit about who wins or loses. Also, it seems that JB has been promoted to ring announcer...

First up we had the number one contenders’ match for the tag team titles between Motor City Machine Guns, Beer Money and 3D. It wasn’t the greatest match I’ve seen these guys in, the Dudleys were kept out of it for most the match so it seemed like MCMG versus Beer Money. The crowd were flat until the final moment of the match when Sabin got the pin on Brother Ray.

Next up was the Global Championship between Roid Terry and Orlando Jordan. The build up to this match was centred around that bi-sexual gimmick, which as The Clown pointed out, is just daft. What came out of this match was the real feeling that Terry really can’t wrestle for shit and that Jordan is actually a decent performer and doesn’t need to go for the Goldust angle. Terry won with what Tazz described as “a spine-buster like move” – looked like a choke slam to me. Considering Terry is basically a crapper version of Batista, this match wasn’t that bad. Jordan’s move-set is pretty old-skool and it’s nice to see a good old fashioned leg-drop every now and again. TNA really need to get rid of Rob Terry; the guy’s a fucking joke. It’s probably for the best that TNA did away with the ‘gay’ angle, but if you’re going to build up a storyline into a match you should at least carry it on. Knowing TNA, the O-Zone will be back on Thursday and Jordan will come out looking like he’s been the spunk mop in a brothel.

After the match, we cut to a backstage promo which shows the Dudleys in their locker room licking their wounds. Ink Inc. (eugh, that name) go in and the Dudleys wish them luck and warn them that the Band might take their gripe with the Dudleys out on them. Neal say that they don’t need luck and they’ll take care of the Band for them. This pisses of Bubba, and after Ink Inc. leaves he rants to Devon about lack of respect, blah blah.

The third match of the evening was Kazarian versus Doug Williams for the X-Division title. I love the fact that this angle was written by an Icelandic volcano, but it was a pretty decent angle nonetheless. I was looking forward to this match because not only are Kazarian and Williams two of TNA’s most underrated stars, they also have two of the best finishers in the company. The match was pretty decent but was spoilt by a flat crowd and poor commentary; Tazz’s piss-poor announcing was saved by Taney’s wit, when he said something like “Kaz took a year out of the business and everyone thought it would be career suicide” – geddit? Suicide? Kaz was Suicide, he didn’t really leave. Geddit? The match worked really well with the angle of Williams hating the high-risk style of the X-Division and saw Kazarian going to work with some good, solid, technical wrestling. It was Williams who resorted to a high-risk move, going of the top rope and smacking Kaz’s face into the entrance ramp. I don’t know if this was done on purpose, but this was a nice subtle tough which added some complexity and hypocrisy to Williams’ character. There were some pretty cool moves in the match including a brain-buster variation and of course his Chaos Theory for the win. I would have liked to have seen Kaz’s fucked up backwards piledriver thing, but no such luck. I think Kazarian may be the only X-Division title holder to not actually have possession of the belt.

Next up was for the Knockout’s Championship between Tara and Madison Rayne, with Tara putting her career on the line if she didn’t win. It was no secret that her contract was up, so it was a bit of a pointless match. The Knockout division used to be pretty interesting as far as women’s wrestling goes. With characters like Hamada, Roxxi, Awesome Kong, Alisa Flash, etc. The Knockouts Division wasn’t the joke it is today. To my reckoning, this may have been Madison’s first one-on-one match on TV in TNA (which is a good feat for a single’s title holder!) The match stunk, and you could see that Tara was trying to make it look like a good match. Poor Tara. The crowd were in particularly bad form, especially for a career match; they didn’t seem to give a shit when she was pinned. It was only when Tara was being escorted away by security that a few chants of “thank you Tara” started up. Poor Tara; her last match and it was awful.

Next we had a short promo of Eric Young with Band. It seems that Eric Young may have his tongue firmly embedded into his cheek in this promo. He says something along the lines of “look at the players in TNA, nothing but wannabes and has-beens. I am the only one cool enough to hang out with the Band.” This made me laugh so hard I nearly popped a shit. Eric Young sounds like some geeky kid in primary school who’s been allowed to hang out with the cool kids... hahahaha! Because Hall and Nash are pretty old and can either, hardly walk, or are too fat to do much cardio-vascular stuff, Nash announced that the Band held the title, not just Hall and Nash. So, like the Fabulous Freebirds, any combination could defend the title at any given time. I glad that go cleared up.

So onto the tag team title match between the Band and Ink Inc. Contrary to what Nash had hinted at only moments before, it was actually Hall and Nash who waddled and limped to the ring, leaving EY backstage presumably to look after Hall and Nash’s grandkids or something. Unsurprisingly, this match was another stinker. Both Nash and Hall look so slow and bumbly in the ring, it’s not even funny anymore. The ref got knocked out, EY came out with a kendo stick. There was a bit of a kerfuffle. Brother Ray came out and interfered, beating on Jesse Neal. The Band retained the titles. Yawn.

Next we had the Ring vs Chelsea match between Abyssmal (geddit?) and Desmond Wolfe. Now, I didn’t realise that TNA condone white slavery, but clearly they do, as the stipulation if Wolfe lost was that Chelsea would become Abyss’s slave for 30 days in a boring Beauty and the Beast style set-up. Abyss looked pretty funny waddling around the ring with Wolfe. It must have been difficult for Wolfe going up against such a lame competitor. The match began with Wolfe being attacked on the ramp by Abyss while Chelsea sat watching from a throne (don’t ask, I don’t know). Again Tazz was coming out this some lame lines, though I nearly wet myself when he said that Chelsea “probably wants to throw up in her own mouth” – seriously, Tazz, what the fuck? So with Chelsea tasting bile in the back of her throat, Abyss choke slams Wolfe. Chelsea distracted Abyss and threw some brass knuckles into the ring. Wolfe smacked Abyss in the head and he goes down quicker than your mother for a can of cider. Wolfe goes in for the pin and Abyss gets up. This is where the match got fucking stupid. Abyss started Hulking up, Wolfe kept hitting Abyss, but for some reason he was immune to its effects. Abyss took Wolfe up for a Black Hole Slam for the pin. Victorious, Abyss spoke to Chelsea and spit went flying from his mouth onto her face and onto the camera lens; it was fucking disgusting. Poor Chelsea.

Next up we have Anderson and Hardy. I can’t actually remember what these guys are feuding about, but Anderson cut one of the best promos I’ve seen all year. I was literally laughing out loud, lol. I love it when small things in promos catch on. Getting the crowd chanting “I’m an asshole” was brilliant. I’m looking forward to seeing how this will work on TV. Will Spike censor the crowd every time this chant starts? I hope so, it will be like listing to the audio equivalent of a strobe light. This was probably the first time in the evening that the crowd started to get into the show, which made for better viewing and made for better in-ring performances. The match started with Anderson grounding Hardy for the first few minutes; there’s some pretty decent wrestling going on, but nothing even close to the level of Anderson and Angle at Lockdown. The match starts to step up when Hardy uses a chair to catapult himself towards Anderson in a textbook Sabu style dive over the top rope. Both competitors pulled out their usual signature moves, with Hardy doing a Swanton Bomb from the top rope for the win. The match ended with what could possibly be a double turn: Anderson held offered a handshake to Hardy, who refused and left him standing in centre of the ring.

We then cut to a promo with AJ Styles, who tells Christie that “these are dark times for TNA” – indeed they are, indeed they are. Poignantly we are now ready for one of the most pointless matches of the evening. I didn’t give a shit about this match, TNA hadn’t even bothered to build it up and the announcing was just awful throughout. “Why Sting? Why?” The match itself lasted for less than a minute and was really just a pre-match brawl in which Jarrett showed us his best Ric Flair impression by bleeding everywhere with that crazy bright red blood that only wrestlers seem to have running through their veins. Once they finally get in the ring, Sting does a Scorpion Death Drop and gets the pin-fall. Why Sting? Why? Sting continues his beat down and puts Jarrett’s shoulders between the ring steps and a baseball bat and stomps a couple of times. It is at this point that Hogan rushes out and, erm, does fuck all, but this ends the beat down. Why Sting? Why? Why didn’t Sting end on a high at Bound for Glory? Why Sting? Why?

Finally, we come to the main event. On paper, this is a dream match for me: AJ Styles versus Rob Van Dam. This match had some great moments, but I found it quite boring on the whole. The match was very slow to start with lots of posturing and stalling by both parties. At every opportunity during the match, RVD stood in the ring doing that arm thing in time with his name. Enough already! Flair came down to ringside only to be flanked by Lethal who gets him with some chops and a Figure Four Leglock. This was the best bit of the match. RVD did his Frog Splash and won, retaining the title and being a boring champion for at least another month... good to see Lethal in a main event though!

Clown's Sacrifice Predictions - Results!

I realise Socko's already gone over this, but the site won't let me edit my own comments into his post so I guess I'll do my own follow up.

Beer Money vs 3D vs MCMG:

Nope, I was way out. 0/1.

The Band vs Ink Inc.

Yup, didn't see the ending coming but I got the result. 1/1.

Madison Rayne vs Tara

This was inevitable. No way I could have gotten this one wrong. 2/1.

Rob Terry vs Orlando Jordan

I said I'd usually go for Terry to win based on the unanswered beatdowns - should have gone with that rather than trying to second guess next month's feuds. 2/2.

Wolfe vs Abyss

Once I actually understood the stipulation, the result was obvious. 3/2.

Kaz vs Doug

This match was better than expected. Happily, I called it wrong and Douggie has his belt back. 3/3.

Anderson vs Jeff Hardy

I didn't think it was possible for this match to have a clean ending. I was wrong. 3/4.

RVD vs AJ

Kinda obvious really. 4/4

Sting vs Jarrett

I didn't call it, the angle was too unpredictable. The match was way, way better than I was expecting. Bischoff next, please, Stinger. 4/4

So, 4/4. About the same as you'd expect from flipping a coin to decide.

That Clown from Outta Town - TNA Sacrifice 2010

I've got to say, I don't give a fuck about any of the matches, the build-up for this has been awful. Let's start the show!

2:24 - Nice, straight into the action. This match could be the show-stealer of the night, 3 great tag teams in a 3-way.
3:59 - I don't care who wins. Not because I don't care about any of the teams, but because I like them all. I'd love to see MCMG finally get a title run, I'd love to see Beer Money out of the 'Flair's jobbers' spot and relevant again, and I'd love to see 3D get their 24th tag team title. Whoever wins, I win.
7:20 - Gotta love that double team.
11:55 - Holy shit, MCMG are on fire...could there be an upset on the way??
16:38 - Why are the crowd so flat tonight? This match is awesome.
18:24 - Whoa, the Guns won it...didn't see that one coming. Sweet match.
20:25 - Rob vs Jordan on it's way...this match has the potential to be a mess.
21:54 - Nice entrance by Jordan - you don't see people come down from the ceiling very often.
23:00 - Squash?
28:03 - Haha, "Terry loves it" chant...you gotta love them TNA fans
30:12 - Fairly decent match...the ending was a bit abrupt, but decent nonetheless. Old school, almost.
31:49 - Looks like this isn't over.
33:34 - Woop woop, here comes Douggie. Kick his arse Doug.
39:07 - Oh, Tennay. Kaz's 'year away from the business' was 'career suicide'. Classic. Because, you know, Kaz was in fact wrestling as the masked wrestler Suicide. Do you see what he did there? They need a guy on drums to do a 'b-dum tsssh' when he says stuff like that.
42:13 - Nice move, Kaz.
45:01 - This match is pretty good. Totally not going how I thought it would.
48:36 - I can't believe Kaz reversed the Chaos Theory...never seen that before
50:00 - Holy shit...missed the turnbuckles on that powerbomb. I hope he landed ok!
51:00 - Yeah, he's fine :) Can't wait to see it on Botchamania...
51:47 - FUCK YEAH WILLIAMS...Kaz never got to wear his belt hahaha
52:14 - WHERE IS JOE?

Back from work, we got beers, we got snacks, LET'S DO THIS

52:51 - Why is Wolfe dressed as Christopher Daniels?
53:37 - Why is Chelsea suddenly American?
54:28 - Knockouts, fast forwarding
66:23 - Oh look, the one who's leaving the company doesn't win the gold...what a surprise.
70:13 - Freebird style tag champs. Or, for my generation, Demolition style. Interesting, as long as they don't lose the belts tonight...
75:46 - Oh man, Hall is a shambles...he looks like an amateur in there.
79:58 - A ref bump. The mark of quality for wrestling matches. Wonder if we'll see Eric?
80:18 - OH THERE'S A SURPRISE
81:02 - And there's Bubba :)
81:26 - Wait, Bubba screwed Jesse?? Confused.
81:52 - Fucking Bischoff, what a shitty screwjob. Bubba ignored the guys he's in a feud with to screw his friend. FFS.
83:03 - Wolfe v Abyss incoming :D

I accidentally reset the counter, so all the following times are +86:24...oops!

4:39 - The Desmond fans are chanting louder than the Abyss fans - in your face, Hogan
5:19 - Big boot to the...hip.
6:33 - This match is awful...one of the worst mismatches of wrestling styles I've ever seen.
8:11 - Oh dear, Abyss' 'Hogan no-sell' impression again
8:45 - Wow, now that's a Black Hole Slam.
10:34 - Sigh, Anderson. Same old shit, same old shit, same old shit
13:00 - Ugh. I wish that guy would shut the fuck up.
16:03 - I hope something interesting happens during this match. Joe doing a run-in and destroying both of them would be nice.
19:00 - Now I have Joe's entrance music in my head, and it's more entertaining than the actual match. Fucking TNA.
25:51 - Mic Check...please don't kick out
26:02 - FUCKING ROPES
26:56 - Swanton...please be over
27:10 - FUCKING HELL, WILL THIS SHIT NEVER END
28:23 - This has to be it
28:40 - Oh thank fuck for that...it's a rare match where the crowd chants are more interesting than the action in the ring
29:54 - I sense a beatdown
31:38 - Beatdown denied :(
32:07 - Damn right these are dark times for TNA, AJ.
34:40 - Jarrett vs Sting...tempted to fast forward this.
35:27 - Hahaha, prematch beatdown.
36:08 - Jarrett is a fucking mess.
36:52 - Tennay's like 'This is very difficult to watch', I'm like FUCK HIM UP STING
38:22 - Credit where it's due, this match is much better than I thought it was going to be.
40:33 - Haha, they actually bothered ringing the bell.
40:45 - That was awesome.
43:59 - That's hilarious, Sting just pushed him off the stretcher :D
47:53 - Oh look, RVD. I wonder if he'll go on about how great he is instead of his actual feud.
48:13 - There we go.
48:30 - And again
48:32 - And again
48:34 - And again
48:55 - And again
49:10 - A lot more people aren't tuning in, though, are they Rob? Ratings have done what since you were champ? Halved. That's fucking what. Shut the fuck up and wrestle a decent match for once.
50:29 - This match really, really doesn't have wrestling fans buzzing.
51:00 - OH SHUT UP TALKING ABOUT THE MATCH AND ACTUALLY FUCKING SHOW IT
59:26 - Finally they ring the fucking bell
71:02 - I hope Joe kills the winner after the match
84:05 - Kick out kick out kick out
84:14 - Ffs. Decent match, it seemed to be building to a nice ending, then it just finished. Still, a solid RVD match, probably his best in TNA to date - still didn't live up to its potential though.

Kind of an up and down PPV. Started well, then went shit, then went ok. But only ok. A solitary tear slowly rolls down my face as I realise there was no Joe.

Review: WWE Smackdown, 14th May

This week’s Smackdown opened with a title match for the Intercontinental Championship. If evidence were ever needed that this was a mid-belt and a mid-card show, the fact that a title shot was the first match only seems to support this. The match wasn’t bad, the momentum kept slipping, but by the end of the match it was starting to look up. With some pretty mediocre high-flying cross-body moves from both guys, the match ended with a win by pin-fall, with Kofi Kingston winning. I think the thing that surprised me the most about this match was the fact that it actually lasted for 10 minutes. I can’t remember the last time I watched an episode of Smackdown where the first fifteen minutes of the show weren’t taken up by some half-arsed in-ring promo. This is good, it’s like watching wrestling again!

In a shocking, sorry, predictable turn of events, Kingston’s celebration was cut short. Who should arrive at the ring but the ‘fired’ Drew McIntyre? I know that the McIntyre getting fire is just an angle, but why did the WWE play his entrance music? This might sound obvious, but surely if you want to give the impression that someone really has been fired and has turned up to the ring unannounced, it would make sense for the sound guys not to have the fired star’s entrance theme cued. Anyway, judging by the way McIntyre was dress, a more suitable entrance theme would have been Saturday Night Fever by the Bee Gees; a medallion and some chest hair would have finished the look beautifully.

We all know that one of the most dramatic things to watch on screen is someone standing there reading something that we are not privy to, right? McIntyre handed Teddy Long a note, which I assumed was a note from McIntyre’s mother excusing him from wrestling because he is going to a disco-themed murder mystery for his her birthday. And, alas! Kofi is stripped of his title. Hahahaha! Now this is wrestling! Like a bad boy who’s had his bottom smacked, Long hands the title back to McIntyre. Hahahaha! With chants of ‘you suck’ and more boos than outside of a paedophile’s trial, Drew left with his title (the title he won and didn’t lose, boooooo – the fans on Smackdown are ‘children and ideots’). I must be a master of predicting the complexities of the Smackdown story arcs, as last week I said: “Of course, there is not a possible chance in the world that Vince McMahonn will come out next week and overturn T-Lo's ruling, is there?” I am a genius.



Next we have a small promo of World Heavyweight Champion of the world, the All-American American American, Jack Swagger overseeing some guys unloading a truck... this is wrestling.

Next up was a match between Shad Gaspard, a guy with possibly the worst name in wrestling, against Jesse Guyver. As a teenager I used to be a big fan of the anime cartoon The Guyver and was hoping that the jobber would suddenly ‘bio-boost’ and become super-powerful because of some alien bio-armour... but as the guy was already in the ring and didn’t get an entrance theme, the word jobber came to mind and my desire for some manga style battle soon came crashing back down to reality. This was basically a squash match to make Shad look dominant – it was over quite quickly and there were no surprises.

Next up we had a match which saw MVP and JTG combine their initials in a tag match against a tag team with one of the worst names in WWE history: The Dude Busters. There might be a chance that WWE is starting to push its tag team division again, let’s see how this pans out. This was actually a pretty decent match, but the result was pretty obvious (MVPJTG won).

After a short promo with Punk forgiving Gallows and Sarina for having their minds poisoned by Mysterio, the show cuts to show a bunch of trophies being set up by the ring. You know what’s coming, right? Jack Bragger... Dull, dull, dull. I can’t wait for Big Show to win the title so we don’t have to listen to this bullshit, week in, week out. Who should come in and interrupt Swagger’s little monologue? Why, of course, it’s the Big Show and he’s breaking stuff.

After some Divas stuff, Kane comes out. I was bored of Kane over a decade ago and he’s still boring. Joining him in the ring was Chavvo Guerrero. In Kane’s usual fashion, we won by utilising the Undertaker’s move-set. Dull, dull, dull.

In the main event we see Punk go against Mysterio, again. The match was run of the mill and ended with a run-in by the Straight Edge Society – including that mysterious hooded member. Over the Limit looks to be a pretty dull PPV. Punk really needs to get some more interesting angles.

Serious Clown is Serious - Orlando Jordan

I realise that writing a deadly serious article about pro wrestling is on roughly the same level as getting into an argument in a Youtube video’s comments section, but the internet’s out and I have some time to kill. Bear in mind that this was written before I saw Sacrifice, so if something drastic happened there this article won’t reflect that.

The other day, I posted my predictions for TNA’s Sacrifice 2010 PPV. Afterwards, I was curious if any other fans had done the same, and whether my predictions matched up with theirs. So I’m on Youtube (happy 5th birthday, btw…where has the time gone??) checking out a few prediction videos, and I notice a trend - absolutely nobody likes Orlando Jordan. He’s the only universally hated wrestler in TNA. Why is this? Most people don’t mention their reasons, but one guy had this to say on his match with Rob Terry¹: “I really don’t care, I just hope it’s over quickly. I don’t want to watch that gay…actually, you know what, I’m not even going into it, because I know what the reaction will be”. Another (infinitely more eloquent) commentator noted “I don’t want that fag shit on my TV”.

Now, skipping a match because the wrestlers involved are boring or untalented is understandable. I regularly skip the Knockouts division for that exact reason, and I don’t watch WWE at all. But wanting a match pulled from a PPV just because you don’t like one of the wrestlers’ lifestyle seems strange to me. Alcoholics and smokers don’t skip CM Punk. Non-stoners don’t skip RVD. So why would you skip an Orlando Jordan match just because you’re straight?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like his gimmick. But a bad gimmick doesn’t make someone a bad wrestler. I can’t comment on Jordan’s abilities in the ring² because I’ve only seen 3 of his matches, none of which showed his full abilities. He certainly seems to have the potential to be a decent wrestler from what I’ve seen, I need to see a proper match to really make my mind up though.

The problem I have with his gimmick is, they’re aiming at ‘bisexual’, but what they’ve actually achieved is ‘circus freak’. At my last job, I had a number of openly gay colleagues. They came into work, did their job and went home again - just like everyone else. They didn’t wear outrageous costumes that made them look like they were on their way to a gay rights parade, they didn’t aggressively pursue male co-workers they knew to be straight, they certainly didn’t spray cream all over their faces and chests like the money shot from a porn movie and dip strawberries in it. They were all just normal people. Some guys were hugely into Star Wars, some guys were into LOTR, one guy was so into Dr Who he built a TARDIS around his desk, and some guys were into cock. It’s just their thing. Me, I’m 28 and I like pro wrestling, so who the fuck am I to criticise someone else’s idea of how to have a good time?

Orlando Jordan is so far removed from actual gay people it’s a joke. It’s so far removed, it’s like comparing Cryme Time (or however you spell it) to Moira Stewart. It’s a grotesque caricature of a ridiculous stereotype of the most extreme gay people at events where they are specifically trying to shock people and emphasise their gayness. It represents gay people about as well as Obama would have represented black people by opening his Inaugural Address with “What’s up my niggaaaaaaas! Hold the fuck up, I’m just gonna pour out a 40 for my fallen homies right here on the stage, motherfuckers…”

I’ve got no problem with gay characters in fiction. One of my favourite characters of all time is Omar from The Wire, who is like a modern day Robin Hood who robs drug lords and gives the take to the impoverished addicts in his community. He also happens to be gay. His sexuality didn’t make me like him any less; in fact it made the character more interesting. At one point, one of the drug lords puts a bounty on his head as revenge for a robbery, then doubles the bounty when he finds out he’s gay. The same drug lord tortures his boyfriend to death to try and get him to give up Omar’s location, which adds fuel to the feud between the two.

Another great example is Apollo and Midnighter from the superhero comic The Authority. Apollo is on a similar power level to Superman, but he’s solar powered and as he uses his powers he uses up his power and becomes weaker. With zero charge, he’s weaker than a normal human being. At full charge, he can take out cities. Midnighter is a fighter, he has an implant in his brain that lets him simulate each battle a million times in his head before the fight starts, which gives him an advantage against any opponent. They also happen to be a couple. Again, their sexuality didn’t make me like them any less, again it made the characters more interesting. It gave the group dynamic of The Authority (their supergroup) an interesting twist, and led to some compelling situations/dilemmas when one was in danger/captured/missing/whatever.

Orlando Jordan is not ‘an interesting wrestler who happens to be bisexual‘. He’s a freakshow, plain and simple. He’s weirder than Abyss.

Once again, TNA have wasted a great opportunity. Jordan is the first ever openly bisexual wrestler - if not in the world, then certainly in the mainstream. By treating it respectfully, maybe by giving him a male and a female valet and making it obvious that the three of them were involved, TNA could have painted themselves as a progressive and forward looking company who don’t discriminate, only push wrestlers based on talent, and aren’t afraid to show that to the world. Not exactly bad press, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Instead, they’ve painted themselves as immature, snickering adolescents. Orlando Jordan is in the middle of his first feud out of the (keyfabe) closet - the storyline goes something like this. Jordan fancies Rob Terry. Jordan stalks Terry dressed in over-the-top revealing outfits, and at one point sprays cream all over himself as if he was taking a load, and uses it as a strawberry dip. Then, Jordan makes sexual advances towards a CARDBOARD FUCKING CUTOUT of Rob Terry. Terry doesn’t like it, rips up the cutout and threatens Jordan. Jordan flips out, beats Terry to the ground and chokes him with a chain, then the following week beats him with a lead pipe.

So, Jordan’s character is a wrestler who obsessively stalks other wrestlers he is sexually attracted to, and when he gets rejected he responds with merciless, vicious and violent beatings? That sounds like the plot to a fucking horror movie. Is this really the best TNA could come up with as a character for a bisexual wrestler? A guy who came to TNA not for championship gold, but to molest wrestlers? If the straight wrestlers are capable of keeping business and pleasure separate and not stalking the Knockouts, why can’t Jordan do the same?

And that’s why I don’t like the gimmick. The character is defined by his sexuality, rather than merely having his sexuality as a mere facet of his personality. It exists solely to shock. And it’s one-dimensional. Is every feud going to consist of “I want to bum you, and if I can’t I’m going to beat the shit out of you”? It’s going to get very old very quickly if that’s the case.

I guess what I’m saying is…don’t hate on Jordan because he’s bisexual. It just makes you look like a bigot, and pushes people’s opinion of wrestling fans even further down from where it is now. Hate the character for being awful, sure. Hate the bookers for coming up with this shit - no doubt. But what the guy playing the character gets up to when the crowd goes home and the arena lights go out is his own fucking business.


1. All quotes paraphrased - as I said, no internet.
2. Innuendo intentionally ignored.

Clown's Sacrifice predictions revisited...

So, I just watched Sacrifice and it wasn't the best PPV I've seen.
Worst moments: Rob Terry selling like a spastic to Jordan.
Highlight: Mr Kenderson's promo.
Realisations: Hardy is not a great wrestler, but has good moments. RVD is doing my head in and should fuck off back to the indies so he can point at himself and people to chant his initials.

And why did Abyss drool all over Chelsea?
Anyway, onto the Clown's predictions:


Clown's Sacrifice Predictions

MATT MORGAN vs SAMOA JOE

Didn't happen, but would have been better than RVD vs AJ...

3D vs BEER MONEY vs MCMG

Flair's boys (Beer Money) will get the 1-2-3. - Nope, went to MCMG - maybe they'll get a title at last?

THE BAND vs INK INC.

The Band. No way would they win the belts on Thursday only to lose them on Sunday...and why bother abruptly ending the Morgan/Ink feud so they can get the belts from The Band instead of Morgan? That is, of course, unless 3D interferes in which case the belts will go to their boy Jesse Neal.

So close with the prediction... Bubba Ray took out Neal, Band won.

MADISON RAYNE vs TARA

Who gives a fuck? (Madison to win, Tara's contract is up, but I really don't care...bring back Kong, give Alyssa Flash and Hamada a big push, and I might actually start watching the knockouts again...Wylde is good, but she's not so good she can carry an entire division on her back - nobody is.) - yup

ROB TERRY vs ORLANDO JORDAN

Tough to call...Jordan has laid out Terry on iMPACT the last two weeks with no comeback, which would usually point to a Terry win...but I have a feeling in my gut that this one will run a while longer. It's a coin toss...I'm gonna go Jordan I think. -
Terry won, but Jordan is so much better in the ring than Rob Roidy

WOLFE vs ABYSS

I hope I'm wrong, but Abyss to win. I only hope it's a decent match, and not a one-sided squash like I suspect it'll be. If Wolfe wins, it won't be clean.

EDIT: Just remembered the Chelsea vs Ring stipulation...I can't see Abyss and Chelsea together after this week's iMPACT, but I can see Wolfe going 'Hahaha I got the ring'. Wolfe to win.

- wrong... this storyline is fucking retarded.

2ND EDIT: I just found out that the 'Chelsea becomes Abyss's manager' stipulation is only for 30 days, not permanant. Abyss to win.

- yup

KAZ vs DOUG

Kaz to win. They wouldn't have stripped Doug of the belt and given it to Kaz if he wasn't going to win the 3-way at Lockdown anyway. Joe to do a run-in and batter the winner if he doesn't fight Morgan.

- Williams won, but I'm sure Kaz will cash in his rematch and get the title...

ANDERSON vs HARDY

Anderson to win by screwjob. I have a feeling that Pope might show up and prove me wrong, but if Pope's not there I can see this feud running a little longer.

- nope, pretty dull match, Hardy won. Hardy looked a mess. Anderson gave promo of the year.

RVD vs AJ

RVD to win :(

- this match pwas bullshit. Kurt Angle is Mr TNA, not this stoner prick who was good a decade ago. Oh look he's doing that arm thing again and getting people to chant his initials... yeaaaaahhhh!!!! ...wish I was mates with Hogan....


STING vs JEFF JARRETT

Hard to say, neither one of them was on iMPACT this week so tough to know where they're going with this angle...the booking for this so far has been a mess. Another cointoss...I'm gonna say Sting. No, Jarrett. No...I honestly don't know.
- Sting, and the match was a joke.

Summary: Bullshit PPV, RVD can fuck off. Wolfe, AJ and Anderson shouldn't be jobbing... Orlando Jordan is underrated... Doug Williams should kick Rob Terry's face off and get two belts... Kevin Nash looks like a disabled old tramp... Ramone looks like a rapist... Let's go asshole

Greatest Matches Ever! TNA: Samoa Joe vs Kurt Angle (Genesis, 2006)

To my reckoning, there have been five notable matches between Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle; this one was the first, and in my opinion the best. The match had it all: great drama, great build-up, great moves. Coming into the match the result wasn't obvious. On Impact a few weeks before, Angle had just made his TNA debut and went straight for Joe. At that point Joe had been undefeated for 18 months; he was the top guy and Angle went for him. The energy going into this match is insane and Joe and Angle put on one of the greatest matches of their careers.

New wrestlers could learn a lot from this. How to structure a match, how to sell, how to be a face - it's all here. This is fucking awesome:



It's about time Joe and Angle get back into the ring together and TNA stop pissing about.

TNA Nonsense Watch

Seemed that the Clown missed this one on his review. In a short, promo Ink Inc. (eugh, I feel dirty just typing that) are talking about going against the Band for the tag titles. The footage, though edited so it happened after the Band had taken the belts was recorded at the same time that Doug Williams was going into the ring in an earlier match (you can clearly hear his music and entrance announcement).

This is a case of TNA management being extremely stupid, or Moore and Neal being psychic. I hope it is tha latter. With Hogan'ss magical ring, we're probably long overdue for a psychic tag team. Maybe they have telekinesis and suddenly you will see chairs being wielded by what looks like an invisible opponent... stupid TNA, this is why you should do Impact live.

That Clown from Outta Town - May 10th ROH

I've never got the hype about ROH. I watched a couple of their shows when they first went on TV, but they didn't grab my interest. I'm going to give them another shot, since people are still raving about them...this is the latest show.

0:22 - One of the most despicable, deplorable things you have ever seen in professional wrestling? This ought to be good.
0:32 - What?? Austin Ares pushing a woman is one of the most despicable things in pro wrestling? Christ, this guy clearly wasn't an ECW fan. Hang on, let me grab a link...here we go, skip to 1:17 and tell me that a push is something to give a fuck about.



Or here at 0:40:



To treat a push like a big deal is kind of patronising.
2:09 - That was more of a forearm than a push, to be fair...still not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things
2:48 - Is that Sonjay Dutt? I didn't realise he was in ROH, I like Sonjay.
3:17 - Jim Cornette :) I like Jim.
4:35 - The Briscoes - I've heard good things about them, but I've never seen them wrestle. I hope they're as good as people are saying.
9:37 - Nice double team move
13:22 - Whoa, top turnbuckle moonsault to the floor :) Nice. This match is starting to heat up.
16:23 - Nice match, it seemed to end just as it was getting good though :/
17:38 - "There's only actually six people in the Battle Royale" "Oh, well this is gonna be a piece of cake then" hahaha
24:00 - Ooh, Daivari. I like him, he never got a fair run as Bashir.
27:06 - Cool, Colt Cabana
45:54: Ares wins the Battle Royale. Not a great match, but it's a tough stipulation to make interesting.

Overall, not a bad show, better than I remember it being. The tag match was solid, would have been great with an extra 5 minutes - it was just getting some decent momentum when it ended. I'll give them another shot maybe next week, hopefully the next one will have more than 2 matches.

Wrestling's worst heels...

Welcome to the guide to shite baddies. Over the coming weeks I will be counting down the most retarded, ridiculous and dullest heels in history.

First of all, I should say that I am not against flamboyancy in wrestling, but most times they are there for people to enjoy as those ones that make the proper heels look stupid - Doink the clown for instance.

First on the list is the one and only Irwin R. Schyster, also known as I.R.S. Clever eh, Can you see what they did there?

His gimmick was that he was portrayed as a former IRS tax collector from Washington, D.C. who harassed all of the faces and fans, urging them to pay their taxes.

As an in ring wrestler he wasn't bad, won his fair share of matches and enjoyed a distinguished career as one half of "Money Inc". However, the reason IRS appears on this list is the fact that you would struggle to find a more engineered heel as nobody likes paying their taxes but they must and he's there to represent the enemy of the people - dull.

Some of his promo's were pretty good too like the one below where he bollock's the whole of the US for being tax cheats - not a bad microphone wrestler.



That, however proves my point - IRS is a genetically engineered heel, one that could never endear himself to the fans - a real one trick pony.

Ratings: Microphone skills: 3/5, In ring: 3/5, Gimmick shiteness: -3.5/5.

Coming soon: The Repo Man.

Greatest(?) Promos Ever: I'll tell ya one thing, I'm a classy guy...

Words cannot describe this interview.



- Clown

Clown's Sacrifice Predictions

Ok, let's see how badly I embarrass myself here ;)

MATT MORGAN vs SAMOA JOE

I'm not sure if this is happening or not - it's listed on the Sacrifice 2010 Wikipedia article but not on the TNA website. If it does happen, Joe all the way.

3D vs BEER MONEY vs MCMG

Team 3D - they're already feuding with The Band, so I'm pretty sure they'll get the nod to go after their newly acquired titles. That is, of course, unless The Band interferes in which case Flair's boys (Beer Money) will get the 1-2-3.

THE BAND vs INK INC.

The Band. No way would they win the belts on Thursday only to lose them on Sunday...and why bother abruptly ending the Morgan/Ink feud so they can get the belts from The Band instead of Morgan? That is, of course, unless 3D interferes in which case the belts will go to their boy Jesse Neal.

MADISON RAYNE vs TARA

Who gives a fuck? (Madison to win, Tara's contract is up, but I really don't care...bring back Kong, give Alyssa Flash and Hamada a big push, and I might actually start watching the knockouts again...Wylde is good, but she's not so good she can carry an entire division on her back - nobody is.)

ROB TERRY vs ORLANDO JORDAN

Tough to call...Jordan has laid out Terry on iMPACT the last two weeks with no comeback, which would usually point to a Terry win...but I have a feeling in my gut that this one will run a while longer. It's a coin toss...I'm gonna go Jordan I think.

WOLFE vs ABYSS

I hope I'm wrong, but Abyss to win. I only hope it's a decent match, and not a one-sided squash like I suspect it'll be. If Wolfe wins, it won't be clean.

EDIT: Just remembered the Chelsea vs Ring stipulation...I can't see Abyss and Chelsea together after this week's iMPACT, but I can see Wolfe going 'Hahaha I got the ring'. Wolfe to win.

2ND EDIT: I just found out that the 'Chelsea becomes Abyss's manager' stipulation is only for 30 days, not permanant. Abyss to win.

KAZ vs DOUG

Kaz to win. They wouldn't have stripped Doug of the belt and given it to Kaz if he wasn't going to win the 3-way at Lockdown anyway. Joe to do a run-in and batter the winner if he doesn't fight Morgan.

ANDERSON vs HARDY

Anderson to win by screwjob. I have a feeling that Pope might show up and prove me wrong, but if Pope's not there I can see this feud running a little longer.

RVD vs AJ

RVD to win :(

STING vs JEFF JARRETT

Hard to say, neither one of them was on iMPACT this week so tough to know where they're going with this angle...the booking for this so far has been a mess. Another cointoss...I'm gonna say Sting. No, Jarrett. No...I honestly don't know.

That Clown from Outta Town - May 13th iMPACT

I really hope that the first thing I see after the title music is an X-Division match. Just like they used to do - start your wrestling show with some fucking wrestling for once! I also hope that they give me something to care about going in to the PPV - right now, I've got nothing.

2:57 - Nope, fucking Bischoff fucking talking again. God dammit.
3:22 - "It's been too long since I've been in this ring" No, Eric, it's not. In fact, it's not long enough.
3:54 - Here comes RVD. Wonder if he'll go on and on about how awesome he is?
5:46 - "One of the top names on that poll is Jeff Hardy" He got 3% of the vote ffs. That is not a 'top name' you fucktard, that's a guy that 97% of people didn't want to see.
6:40 - RVD just told me he's the best. There's a fucking surprise.
7:04 - Let's go AJ! Let's go AJ! Let's go AJ!
8:08 - Every single person chanting 'AJ sucks' can go fuck themselves.
11:46 - AJ vs RVD vs Jeff Hardy. Recipe for awesome. But then again, so is RVD vs Wolfe. Please don't fuck this one up, TNA.
14:27 - Knockouts...finger hovering on the fast forward button
15:09 - Tara...hovering closer...
16:00 - Oh, it's a singles match...fast forwarding.
19:23 - Someone assaulted Chelsea...raeptime?
20:29 - Tell him Douggie :D Your belt, man, your belt!
21:52 - Kaz 'stepped away from the business for a year'? Around the time that Suicide mysteriously showed up, yeah? Then he comes back just as Suicide disappears? And nobody mentions that Suicide has gone? Funny that.
22:41 - Here comes Kaz. Fuck him up, Doug!
24:05 - Generation Me - I like these guys.
24:15 - Morgan will smash them though.
24:42 - Nice double clothesline.
25:59 - FUCK YEAH SAMOA JOE! JOE JOE JOE JOE
26:42 - FUCK YEAH MUSCLE BUSTER ON MORGAN!!!
28:41 - New tag champs...nicely done, but it kinda ruins the only angle I'm actually interested in right now (Morgan vs Ink Inc). Cool that the title shot at the PPV transfers over though.
30:39 - 3D vs Beer Money vs MCMG vs Ink Inc? Fucking awesome :D More of this please TNA.
31:41 - I love that move.
35:08 - "We want Jesse" chant. I love TNA fans :3
35:57 - JESSE IS KICKING SOME SERIOUS ARSE RIGHT NOW
37:08 - MCMG are some of the best double team wrestlers in the business today.
37:16 - That is one mean forearm shot, Bubba.
38:14 - Whoa, Neal just pinned Bubba...didn't see that coming.
38:24 - Holy shit, Moore's ear...It looks like he had an earring torn out. Ouch.
39:52 - Oh god, more crappy camera shit.
41:02 - Terry vs Abyss? Kinda out of nowhere...could be ok though, if Abyss dominates him in 3 mins RVD style
42:59 - Haha, Abyss shouting how he didn't do anything...he sure doesn't look like a dangerous guy...
43:31 - FUCK HIM UP DESMOND
45:40 - Orlando Jordan vs Rob Terry - this has to be the most raeptastic episode of iMPACT ever
48:52 - Jordan issuing an open challenge...all I can think is...JOE JOE JOE JOE
49:17 - FUCK YEAH TOMKO
53:07 - I like Tomko, I wish he was a star and not a jobber.
54:42 - More knockouts. Fast forwarding again.
58:55 - Main event with 25 mins left? This is either going to be awesome, or there's gonna be a whole bunch of boring talking afterwards...
62:29 - Another boring RVD promo where he just puts himself over and barely mentions his opponents. Sigh.
65:54 - "Just when it looked like Jeff Hardy was gonna get the win..." Yeah, because AJ is going to job to a legdrop 2 minutes into the match...get a grip Tennay.
67:16 - RVD: "I take everybody's move's the best anybody's ever taken them" Yeah, you took that stunner like a real pro
69:51 - RVD: "I take everybody's move's the best anybody's ever taken them" What, by no-selling an over-the-top-rope dive?
70:27 - FUCK YEAH AJ WINS! SACRIFICE PREVIEW, MOTHERFUCKERS!
72:03 - Just realised...6 mins bell to bell. Not good enough for a main event, let alone AJ v RVD v Hardy.
73:42 - Surprise main events which are less interesting than the actual, advertised main event are not a good idea.
74:46 - Swanton from the announce table, which is on top of a stage, through a table, to the concrete? Hardy, you are a lunatic.
74:56 - Fucking hell, he hit it. Christ.
75:44 - More of that please, Jeff.
78:33 - Wolfe vs Abyss? Awesome :D Finally, a reason to watch Sacrifice :D
80:38 - Pretty good iMPACT this week, definite step up from last week.

Clown Says: RVD, please win me over!

I never thought I'd be saying this, but I'm fucking sick of RVD.

I was excited when I heard he was in TNA, I was excited to see him vs AJ, I was happy when he won the belt. But now that the heat of the moment has worn off, I find myself asking - why the fuck is RVD TNA champ?

RVD has done NOTHING in TNA, apart from show up. He looks exactly the same as he has for the last 10+ years, wears exactly the same acid-trip-vomit leotards, does exactly the same moves. He hasn't had a single great match in TNA, unlike most of the rest of the roster. Even the other new guys have pulled out something - Pope did it against Suicide, Wolfe did it against Angle, etc etc. RVD has done nothing.

Another thing that is pissing me off is the way he never hypes a match in his interviews/promos. He just goes on and on about how great he is. "I'm Rob Van Dam, I'm the whole fucking show, I'm the best blah blah blah". Here's a direct quote from an interview...these are, get this, his thoughts on AJ Styles:

"AJ's good, I'm used to having everybody's best match my whole career. I take everybody's move's the best anybody's ever taken them, I make everybody look better than they've ever looked before. AJ's got a lot to work with."

THAT'S NOT ABOUT AJ STYLES YOU FUCKHEAD. THAT'S ABOUT YOU.

Literally every single time he gets on the mic he does this shit. I don't give a fuck about AJ vs RVD at Sacrifice. DO YOU REALISE HOW CRAZY THAT IS? I'm a huge AJ fan, I am (or was) a huge RVD fan. They're having a dream PPV match. And I don't give a fuck. Because of RVD's underwhelming track record in TNA, I'm pretty sure it won't be up to much.

"I'm used to having everybody's best match"...two words, Desmond Wolfe. I haven't seen much of his stint as Nigel McGuiness in ROH/the indies, but I do know he was highly acclaimed...and his debut against Angle was one of the best matches I've seen in a long time. RVD's match against Wolfe was pitiful. I'd rather watch Rob Terry vs Batista in an iron man match than watch it again. No joke.

I'm starting to rate RVD's title reign about as highly as David Arquette's. Unlike Arquette, RVD clearly has the talent and the popularity to sustain a title run, but right now he doesn't deserve one in TNA. It was just handed to him by 'Hulky', because 'that's what the fans want to see' (even though they really, really don't). He has no momentum, he has no heat, there's nothing in the storyline to make me care about him at all. If your belt is around the waist of a guy the fans don't care about, that's bad news for a wrestling company.

Also, and this is to TNA, please don't confuse the fans at the arena with the fans at home. If I was in the iMPACT Zone, I'd go crazy for RVD. I've been following the guy for years, I'd be psyched to see him live. But as you can see, that doesn't necessarily translate to being psyched to see him on TV.

The sad thing is, as I said - I'm an RVD fan. I want him to be in TNA, I want him to be champion - but I want him to earn it, not have it given to him. I want him to make me care about his matches instead of just going "I'm RVD" with his thumbs and telling me how great he is. For fucks sake, Rob, I DECIDE IF I THINK YOU ARE GREAT. You don't tell me whether I do or not. Get it done in the ring, and I WILL TELL YOU that you are great. It doesn't work the other way round.

I think my main problem is...I'm frustrated with the situation. RVD is a great wrestler, but he's coasting in TNA. He doesn't have to push himself. If you can show up, do a couple of substandard matches where you run over opponents easily, and still be champion, why fucking bother to put on an awesome show? RVD clearly agrees, look at his lacklustre TNA record. Please change my mind, Rob. Please make me care about your matches again. Do something, anything to make me a believer. Everyone knows you're capable of it. You've got an awesome opportunity at Sacrifice - AJ is one of the best guys in the business. If you put on another boring match with him it's only going to confirm even further to me, and I'm sure many others, that you simply don't give a fuck about TNA or it's fans.

Greatest Promos Ever! ECW: "Dewey Foley is a three year old boy... you sick sons of bitches!"

I've realised this isn't the first time Mr Foley has appeared in the greatest promos section. Maybe this is because Micky boy is one of my favourite wrestlers of all time, or maybe it's simply because the guy can cut a great promo.
After my last post I was thinking about how great the Cactus Jack character was and how Mick would bring a real sense of intensity, frustration and craziness to his promos. I saw an interview a while back where Foley said that for a lot of his Cactus Jack promos he would be as honest as possible whilst pulling his delivery from "some dark place".
It seems that Foley was pissed off with some fans who had bought a "Cane Dewey" sign to a match. Well if you insist on naming your kid after a character from Ducktales...

Greatest Matches Ever! WWE: Cactus Jack vs Triple H

Mick Foley in one of his many guises had some pretty intense matches with Mr Helmsley during his time in WWE/F. The Hell in a Cell and Boiler Room Brawl matches spring to mind. Perhaps my favourite bout between themm was the Street Fight at Royal Rumble 2000. The match is awesome and it was when JR was announcing with Jerry Lawler (before Lawler went shit). Here's the promo just to get you in the mood....






They don't make 'em like that no more!

Speaking of CM Punk...

Socko,

Every time you post clips of Punk, it reminds me of this...



Classic.

- Clown

Greatest Promos Ever! "Awww, did you expect somebody else?"

This has to be one of CM Punk's finest moments since moving to WWE. After he retired Jeff Hardy on Smackdown the previous week, who should enter the arena...



I was reminded of this promo because of Jeff Hardy himself. In the recent Pro Wrestling Observer Newsletter it seems that Hardy was a little pissed by this promo:

"WWE's last unofficial offer to Jeff Hardy before he went to TNA had a $750,000 downside where he would only have to work 65 dates a year, giving him the biggest break on the schedule out of any WWE stars, including Shawn Michaels.

Obviously Hardy turned the deal down as he was upset that nobody backed him after his drug arrest and he was upset over the promos that WWE had CM Punk cut on him after he left the company. The feeling was that Hardy wasn't with the company at the time and the promos from Punk weren't business as they weren't used to build a match."

This just makes me love the promo even more.

TNA Ranking System: Week two results.

Jeff Jarrett 1% (1,871 votes)
The Pope 1% (3,488 votes)
Sting 1% (3,948 votes)
Abyss 1% (1,373 votes)
Mr. Anderson 5% (19,041 votes)
AJ Styles 1% (2,277 votes)
Hernandez 1% (1,997 votes)
Rhino 1% (3,478 votes)
Matt Morgan 34% (139,304 votes)
Brother Ray 1% (1,646 votes)
Brother Devon 1% (5,230 votes)
Jeff Hardy 3% (13,431 votes)
Rob Terry 2% (7,686 votes)
Kurt Angle 1% (3,050 votes)
Desmond Wolfe 50% (207,484 votes)
Total Votes: 415,304

Holy shit, Desmond Wolfe and Matt Morgan have taken 84% of the vote between them. This will surely mean that Wolfe will get a push now... maybe. Abyss got less than 1% again, but still TNA will no doubt push him.

The TNA ranking system is a joke, let's be honest. Especially now that TNA is a taped show, it will probably give TNA fans 2-3 days after an episode of Impact for their vote to count. Earlier in the week, Matt Morgan was ahead in the vote, but it seems that throughout the week fans have been clicking away trying to get Wolfe up again.

I say screw the ranking system; it's a nice way for TNA management to see which wrestlers are going down well with fans, but that it as far as it goes.

I think it is about time that Hulk Hogan became TNA champion. After all, if Hogan can come down the entrance ramp and knock out Robery Roode, James Storm, AJ Styles and Desmond Wolfe with one hit from his big right hand, he's clearly the toughest there is.

Let's hope that Hogan books himself as number one contender and breaks the record for the shortest championship match in TNA history. All it will take is one punch with his big right hand and RVD will be out like a light. Watch from 4min30:

Clown's TNA Nonsense Watch

There's a disturbing trend starting up in TNA. Things are happening that make no fucking sense whatsoever. I've decided to start up a Nonsense Watch to catalogue all of the insane bullshit that's going on. Here's a few to get the ball rolling.

Lethal Lockdown

So the angle going into this is that Bischoff has been talking to Flair for weeks before the match, causing suspicion that he's planning to turn on Hogan and side with Flair. During the match, Flair and Hogan both get involved, culminating in Hogan menacing Flair with a baseball bat. Bischoff runs in, talks Hogan into calming down and handing him the baseball bat. Bischoff pulls out some brass knuckles, pretends he's going to give them to Flair, but instead gives them to Hogan who batters Flair while Bischoff cheers him on.

This makes no fucking sense at all. If you're on Hogan's side, why bother breaking it up only to instigate it again 30 seconds later? He had the guy at his mercy with a baseball bat. Brass knuckles are an inferior weapon, apart from the fact they are more easily concealed. The match was no DQ, so concealment isn't an issue...so what was the point of the run-in? If the run-in was pointless, what was the point of the entire angle?

It's later revealed that the only reason Bischoff was talking to Flair was to lull him into a false sense of security so that Bischoff could screw him over at the PPV. But he didn't screw him over - all he did was postpone a beating from Hogan by a few seconds. If he hadn't been involved at all, the end result would have been identical. There's weeks of exposition to build heat for when Bischoff interrupts a main event match to do nothing whatsoever. They wasted TV time, FOR NOTHING, for weeks on end when there's a locker room full of talented wrestlers that hardly ever get on TV because they aren't big names.

WHAT THE FUCK

The Band

Eric Young screws Kevin Nash for the Legends title. Kevin Nash says he'd usually get revenge, but he's impressed with Young so he forgives him and joins Young's faction, and the two are stable mates.

Months later, Scott Hall and X-Pac come to TNA. They immediately resume their friendship with Kevin Nash, and start a faction called 'The Band' (Young's 'World Elite' faction disappeared into thin air with no explanation). However, Hall and Pac don't have contracts, so they're not officially in TNA. The three argue, and Hall and Pac attack Nash. Young comes out to rescue his friend from the beating. The feud between Nash/Young & Hall/Pac continues, resulting in a PPV match where if Hall/Pac win, they get contracts.

The match comes around. Hall/Pac beat down Young for several minutes. Young finally gets a tag to Nash. Nash comes in, does his finisher on Young, tags back out again and Hall/Pac pin Young to get the win.

The next show, Nash calls Young down to the ring. He apologises, and offers young a spot in The Band. He tells him the plan all along was to get contracts for Hall/Pac and then build a four man stable with Young. Young refuses, and attacks Nash. This sparks off a feud which culminates in a cage match at Lockdown. Nash defeats Young relatively easily.

3 weeks later, Young rushes to the ring to help Team 3D in a brawl against Nash/Hall. He turns on them, and reveals he has now joined The Band.

This doesn't make any sense. THREE WEEKS AGO, Young was feuding with Nash because he was so vehemently opposed to joining The Band...now he's a member? If Nash just said to Young, before the contracts match, "Hey buddy, this thing with Hall/Pac is just a ruse to get them contracts. So when we get in the ring, one of us just lays down, they get the 1-2-3, they get contracts, and BANG! We're the most bad ass stable in the company", Young would have gone along with it. To have Young get screwed, refuse to accept the apology, fight Nash because he's so angry about it, and then join for no apparent reason is just nonsense.

WHAT THE FUCK

X-Pac

X-Pac no-shows Lockdown. Taz announces it as 'Pac didn't show up...it's just Pac being Pac I guess'.

The following iMPACT, Taz says 'Just to clarify, X-Pac didn't no-show, he couldn't make it and Dixie Carter was aware of the situation'.

The iMPACT after that, Pac gets his skull smashed against the concrete by 3D and is put on the 'injured' list.

This makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Do they really expect us to believe that when a wrestler can't make a show, they call the owner of the company directly? Not any kind of manager, not any of the bookers, they just go straight to Dixie. They don't let their friends know, they don't let their stable mates or tag team partners know, they just call Dixie and that's all they have to do. And Dixie Carter wouldn't bother to mention to anyone - not the event staff, not the commentators, not Hogan, not anyone - that one of the stars of their FUCKING PPV isn't going to be there? She just assumes that it'll sort itself out and there's no need to pass the message on?

WHAT THE FUCK

Abyss

Abyss wears Hogan's ring on his wedding finger.

WHAT THE FUCK

Orlando Jordan

No words necessary - WHAT THE FUCK

Greatest Matches Ever! NWA: Ric Flair vs Terry Funk (November 16th, 1989)

It is difficult not to underestimate the importance of the "I Quit" match between Terry Funk and Ric Flair at NWA's Clash of the Champions in November 1989. With Funk coming into NWA in 1988, a feud between him and Flair soon kicked off and culminated in this match. I you want two competitors who seem like they would happily kill each other, this is the match.
For its day this was an incredibly physical match and was one of the first matches to bring Funk's hardcore style to the mainstream. I think this match still holds up today as a great match. With Ric Flair being so old and incoherent on TNA, it is difficult to forget that he was one of the greatest wrestlers, in the ring as well as on the mic.
Prediction: with 21 years of this match approaching in November, I would not be suprised to see TNA organise a rematch.

AJ Styles on Hulk Hogan

I found this clip on 'tube of AJ Styles talking about Hulk Hogan back in 2005.

Review: WWE Raw, 10th May

This week's Raw was a lot more entertaining than it has been of late, but the in-ring stuff, on the whole, still falls into the bracket of what I've been calling 'wrestling-lite'.

Raw opened with ol' snake eyes Randy Orton calling Edge out for a mic wrestle... But wait, that's not Edge's music, that's a Meatloaf song. So Meatloaf came out out to plug his new album, which no one under the age of 45 is likely to buy (it has a song written by Bon Jovi on it, hell yeah!). It's weird, when Meatloaf's not singing, the guy can be pretty entertaining. He was in the ring dancing round Orton trying to get Orton to have one of his songs as his theme song. Orton just stood there. Meatloaf then started singing in Orton's face. Orton just stood there. Meatloaf continues to piss Orton off. Orton's so wooden he makes Mokujin from Tekken seem like a viable alternative for spooning at bed time. The wooden man starts to move; it's a bit like that uncanny moment in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy realises that the scarecrow is alive. Orton then goes for his trademark RKO. With Orton's relationship with guest hosts, RKOing them at every opportunity, you can't help but think that Orton is a poor man's Stone Cold and the RKO is a cheap facsimile of the Stunner.



With Meatloaf out cold, Edge makes his appearence with Vicky Guerrero in tow, standing there like some greedy girl who's eaten the last block of butter. It seems that Edge has convinced WWE management to bring her in as General Manager. It's not great, but it's better than the guest host bullshit. There's a bit of a microphone exchange. Vicky puts Orton in a handicap match, which is quite appropriate as he looks a bit simple.

Next we have a pretty mediocre match between Mini-Bulldog and Jericho for a chance for Jiz to have a title shot at Over the Limit. He wins, the match is pretty uneventful.

Now for the guest host, who enters with R Truth: the one and only Flava Flav (who's on plugging some reality show or something). For those not familiar with Flava Flav, he was basically the talentless one from Public Enemy who would wear the big clock and stupid hats and whose ability on the mic went as far as him saying 'yeah, boiiiieee'. He didn't disappoint. Flava Flav entered looking like he'd just stepped off of the set for the Don't Believe the Hype' video shoot. Stupid hat, big clock and 'yeah, boiiiieee'. Like the Bez of hip-hop, Flava Flav had exhausted all of his gimmicks. With the match between Regal and Truth it was only a matter of time before something heel happened. And boom! Not one, but two Virgils come in the ring end the match in the form of Carlito and Primo. Dibiase comes out onto the ramp and pays them for their Virgilious services.

Next there was Divas promo spot. Now, I think that the Divas thing is a joke. Just a bit of wank fodder for teenage boys. WWE don't make any effort to take women's wrestling seriously, so I don't take the Divas seriously. Sorry ladies. In a promo spot, Maryse is showing that she does have some genuine athletic ability by showing her training with a martial arts coach. Just check out the bitch slap she gives this guy, it must have smarted like crazy.



With a pointless match with Jack Rider out of the way, we move onto Tyson Kid versus the Miz, if the Miz lost he would have to defend his American Championship title against a member of the Hart Family of his choosing. The match was over in a few seconds with Tyson Kid getting a quick pin. Tyson Kid has the most stupid hair in the WW; I imagine that this is how Tin Tin would do his hair if he got a job as a rent boy. So Miz chose to defend his title against Bret Hart, presumably so Bret can leave the WWE with some dignity this time.

Next up was a match with the NXT 'rookies' facing a team of John Morrison, Goldust and a couple of jobbers whose names escape me. The match was pretty poor except for the fact the Brian Danielson got the pin meaning his first WWE victory was on Raw. It's about time he started getting some heat, he should be on Raw already, not on some bullshit let-down of a reality show.

We then cut to one of the most entertaining promos of the night, featuring none other than, Cannock's finest, William Regal. As a mic wrestler, Regal's still got it, it's just a shame that WWE see fit to put him in the role of jobber on Raw, teaming him up with the token Russian heel guy, Boris whatever. In the promo Regal essentially lets Flava Flav know what time it is (geddit? Flava Flav wears a clock, geddit?), by letting him know that he is a talentless fuck who rides on the coatails of the infinitely more talented Chuck D. Okay, maybe he didn't quite go that far, but it's still funny... and topical!



Next we see Mark Henry getting choked out by Batista in a match that didn't happen. I was glad to see Mark Henry being done over in such a way. Yeah, he might be the world's strongest man, but he can't wrestle for shit and he looks like a fat bastard.

Then we have the spaz match with Randolf, Edge and Dibiase. Again, the match is pretty dull and Orton wins. By the end of the match he attacks Vicky G with the RKO after she pleads and offers her resignation. What a bastard.



Thank fuck that screeching bint has been let go.

In summary: another episode of wrestling lite with some pretty funny promos. Still, it's better than Smackdown.

Bring on Sacrifice!