Review: TNA Victory Road PPV

The build-up to most of the matches on the Victory Road card was pretty decent, almost all of the matches, apart from the AJ/Kaz versus mystery tag-team made sense, but something about the storytelling has meant that the only matches I give a shit about is the Guns versus Beer Money and Kendrick versus Williams.

In the first match we had Doug Williams defending his X-Division title against Brian Kendrick. The match was set to win by submission or Ultimate X. This stipulation is typical of TNA, but made for a pretty interesting match. The storyline for the match was essentially that Doug Williams had to conquer his fear of heights to get the belt from the Ultimate X. The match built up really well, with the beginning of the match featuring a lot of submission moves, it then built up to some higher-risk moves, culminating in scramble up the Ultimate X. I’m not sure whether it was an angle, but it seemed that Kendrick hurt himself pretty badly in this one. During the match Kendrick landed badly outside of the ring and it seemed like Williams was buying him some time to recover. At the climax of the match, both competitors fell down from the Ultimate X, and looking at the footage, it looked like Kendrick landed on his head and was knocked out. Williams put him in a chokehold from behind and got the submission. On the whole, this was a great match, given the time it deserved to develop, but the ending felt rushed, and rightly so if Kendrick had been hurt.

Next up was a brilliant promo by Bubba Ray. He was intense and angry. I loved the bit where he said to Christie: “Jesse’s a failure, just like your edition of Playboy”, he then goes on to berate Christie, asking her if she’s going to cry. And for a moment, it looked like she was going to. Hilarious. This promo led into the match between Ray, Devon and Jesse. This may win the award for the stupidest start to a match in TNA history: Ray enters. Ray hides. Jesse enters. Jesse doesn’t notice that nobody is in the ring. Jesse gets jumped from behind. Devon’s music plays. Devon doesn’t enter. The camera cuts to show a plank of wood nailed across Devon’s dressing room. Who was the culprit, I hear you cry? Well it makes no sense for it to be Ray, because he made the match. It makes no sense for it to be Jesse, because Devon has been standing up for Jesse. The only person it could be is Shannon Moore. And lo! He enters. And lo! He goes. Devon manages to break the piece of wood. Devon enters the ring. Devon went after Ray. Ray got the pin on Devon. Shit shit shit match, angle, everything. Maybe with Batista leaving WWE, TNA want to bring him in so Devon can be a preacher again? I fucking hope not. Don’t split up the Dudleys, they are worth more than their sum of parts.

Next up was the Knockouts title between Madison Rayne Angelina Love. This was a career match for Angelina with the stipulation that she would automatically get the title if there was outside interference by any other members of the Beautiful People. What a stupid angle. Of course, that wasn’t where the stupidity ended. Firstly, Madison Rayne’s ring attire was some flesh-coloured underwear. And Secondly, a woman, dressed all in black leather and black helmet rode her motorbike to the ring and interfered with the match. Now, I’m pretty sure that the mysterious woman was not one of the BP, and I’m basing this purely on the fact that she didn’t have big enough tits. With the interference, Rayne was disqualified and the title handed to Angelina. With the woman on the bike not being one of the BP, I’m sure this will create some situation next Impact where Rayne comes out and says that it wasn’t one of the BP, but rather someone else (Tara? Alyssa Flash? Maybe?) Thus, she did not break the rules and gets her title back. Rayne hopped on the back of the bike and the mysterious stranger drove away... It’s good to know that a mysterious stranger can get into a live wrestling pay-per-view and drive a motorbike to the ring.

After the thrill and excitement, we cut to a promo with Mr Anderson, who was trying to illustrate a point with a butt-cheek analogy. He wanted Christie to help out, but she was a spoilsport and said no. I’m sure that with the dress she was wearing that this analogy would have looked particularly good. But what can you do?

Next up we had Kaz and AJ versus a mystery tag team. If I was doing a Clown type of review I’m sure it would go something like this:
44:27 - I’ve got a bad feeling about this...
44.40 - Please be Gen Me
45:38 – FFS Rob Terry? SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?
46:09 - Why is AJ afraid of Rob Terry?
46:19 - FUCK YEAH. JOE JOE JOE JOE.
This was pretty much my reaction to the start of this match. Talk about a fucking mismatch. You’ve got Joe, who is probably one of the best workers in the company teamed up with Terry, who is probably one of the worst. The match was basically about how Kaz and AJ resolved their differences. Luckily, Joe did most of the work for him and Terry, with Terry coming in to do a few power moves and then going back to the ropes. Joe was brutal throughout. Once AJ and Kaz started working together, Terry came in and threw them around a bit and they both sold like crazy. We then had a run-in by Wolfe who helped AJ and Kaz to get the pin on Terry. What came next was the best bit of the match in my humble opinion. As Wolfe was celebrating with AJ and Kaz, Joe came into the ring and put Wolfe into the Muscle Buster. PLEASE BE THE START OF AN AWESOME FEUD.

Next up was Hernandez versus Matt Morgan in a steel cage match. What I liked about this was that it wasn’t a steel cage match with a stupid stipulation (falls count anywhere cage match at Lockdown anyone?) No laws of wrestling logic were circumvented. It was a simple get out of the cage by the door or climb over the top. The in-ring stuff wasn’t bad, but I had no emotional attachment whatsoever to this match. I really didn’t give a shit which one won. It was a feud which wasn’t really a feud. The breakup of their tag team was done poorly and the rest of their battle limped along like some fat goose with smashed up feet. The match itself wasn’t too bad. It did seem throughout that they were saying “Look! We do blood!” Morgan bled quite early, then showed Hernandez’s blood to the camera on his hands. A few times during this match Hernandez botched up a Border Toss, probably because Morgan is one tall fucker. We then had Hernandez climb to the top of cage and rather than dropping to the other side of a win did a splash from the top, which missed. Then, in a bit which makes absolutely no sense, Morgan cuffs Hernandez to the ring ropes next to the door. Instead of going through the door, Morgan attempts to climb out of the cage. Hernandez was handcuffed, what the fuck could he really do. Whilst Morgan was perched atop of the cage, Hernandez Hulked up, brother, and speared himself out of the cage for the win. Yawn.

Next we cut to a promo with Ric Flair (wooooo!) who was giving his usual crazy-ass promo to Christie, but he came out with the line that Lethal will be so beat up afterwards that he will need breastfeeding from his mother to get over it. Ric Flair, you’re a genius. So the match started and it seems that Lethal is now the Hulk Hogan by proxy that Abyss was, coming out to generic rock music dressed in red and yellow. Hey, maybe TNA could do a storyline where Hogan gives Jay Lethal his Hall of Fame ring to give him magical powers? Anyway, this match wasn’t great, but it was much better than I thought. Flair went for 12 minutes, he didn’t look like shit and he didn’t look embarrassed. If that wasn’t amazing enough, Flair went the whole match without bleeding everywhere. The match was pretty much a tribute to Flair with him and Lethal trading chops, getting in a few back body-drops and each getting in a Figure-Four, with Jay’s getting the win. There was even a spot where Lethal pulled Flair’s trunks down at the back and we got to see Flair’s pruney butt cheeks. They show his ass, but Christie won’t indulge Anderson? This is a harsh world we live in, people. There were some great moments of antagonism between Flair and Earl Hebner. This match had an old skool feel to it, probably because there was an old man in the ring, but also struck me as pretty pointless. Ric Flair has absolutely nothing to prove, and Lethal beat up an old man. Good work.

Next up was a promo with what looked like a Pixar fish, or maybe an Avatar; it was actually Jeff Hardy. He spouted some bullshit and I can’t remember what he was going on about, but he did like a fish and that’s what’s important, right? We cut to Beer Money versus Motor City Machine Guns for the tag belts. TNA gave this match just the right amount of time (about 17 minutes) for what was my favourite match of the night. Both teams worked really well together, there was a great mix of styles and moves, and there were some great double-team moves. As with most great TNA matches, it wouldn’t be complete without a retarded moment. James Storm tried to spit beer into one of the Guns’ faces only for his plan to backfire and blind the ref. With Brian Hebner distracted, Earl decided to take charge and run in to take over refereeing. As Brian’s condition improved rather than Earl take a step back or shoo Brian away there was a double pin fall with Brian and Earl counting at exactly the same time. But who should win? It’s a title match damn it! Oh, the controversy! So with the hullabaloo still ringing in its ears, Earl, as senior official, restarts the match, which lasts for about another minute. Shelley got the pin on Roode and the Guns, yes, the Guns, are now the TNA tag team champions. If this match proves anything it is how awesome tag team wrestling can be.

Next up was Kurt Angle versus the Pope. I thought that this would probably be the best match of the night, but I was wrong. The match was okay, Angle did his usual spots: chain of German suplexes, Angle Slam and Ankle Lock to finish. This match was only about 12 minutes long, and with no build up and no feud, again, there was no emotional investment.

The main event was RVD versus Jeff Hardy, Abyss and Mr Anderson in a four-way match. This match was an anti-climax and was pretty short for a main event at 12 minutes long. There were some pretty cool spots, like a four-man suplex with RVD taking the worst of it, and then RVD taking a crazy bump off of the ramp (why are my favourite bits where RVD gets hurt?). The match was won by RVD who did his Frog Splash onto a pile of Anderson and Hardy to get the pin. Again, the in-ring stuff was fine, I just found myself not giving a shit. The only thing I wanted to see was the strap being taken off RVD, and it didn’t happen. So what has RVD actually done since coming into TNA? He practically had the title handed to him; he had no build up and has not had any feuds. All of his matches have been disappointing and he’s doing the same spots he was doing over a decade ago, only he can’t pull them off as well.

Match Ratings:

Doug Williams (winner) versus Brian Kendrick
***½

Bubba Ray (winner) versus Devon versus Jesse Neal
*½

Taylor Rayne versus Angelina Love (winner)
*

AJ and Kaz (winners) versus Joe and Rob Terry
***

Matt Morgan versus Hernandez (winner)
*

Ric Flair versus Jay Lethal
***

Beer Money versus MCMG (winners)
****

Kurt Angle (winner) versus The Pope
***

RVD (winner) versus Hardy versus Abyss versus Mr Anderson
**½

Overall PPV rating:
**½
Mediocre PPV, had some decent matches which were let down by poor storytelling.