Socko's week in wrestling

WWE Raw

This week, Raw went old school, and it was pretty good. They had all the old graphics, music, format and colours of Raw from when it first started. It was just like a normal edition of Raw in terms of building up for Survivor Series and keeping with the usual storylines. There were a couple of matches where old wrestlers were squashed by the younger guys (Brooklyn Brawler and Sgt. Slaughter). They also had a few ‘legends’ come out without wrestlers, or do little skits. One skit which I though was genius was with Dusty Rhodes, IRS, the Million Dollar Man, Goldust and Cody Rhodes... you need to see it. A skit with the Iron Sheik was also brilliant. He seemed like he didn’t even know he was there and was shouting off... not quite so genius, but was still entertaining.
Rowdy Roddy Piper did his Piper’s Pit with Cena and Orton, and even though Piper’s looking pretty old these days, he’s still got it on the mic.
Highlight of the night was the Swagger versus Danielson match with Jim Ross on the commentary. I’m obviously showing my age because having JR on the commentary just sounded right. I thought that Michael Cole was brilliant during this as well, pouting like a teenager. Michael Cole as a heel, play-by-play guy works really well, and this segment was probably one of the most entertaining things Cole has ever done.



TNA Impact

I find you have to rate the quality of Impacts on a curve these days. In terms of the last few months, this wasn’t a bad Impact. They were focused on less storylines which gave room for more time for wrestling... but not much more...
The show opened with a slick video package with Jeff Hardy talking about how he’s the “anti-Christ of professional wrestling” and looking and sounding more and more like Raven (he’s even put on a couple of pounds). This was a classic case of style over substance and can only be described as absolute gash.
There was a promo by Ric Flair against Matt Morgan, this was pretty entertaining and actually led to a match later in the night... which as you can imagine wasn’t brilliant, but was pretty solid... before a run-in by Fourtune... throughout the promo Flair repeatedly referred to himself as God – not a God, but God. I hate to use logic here, but if we take the Christian doctrine of the Holy Trinity, whereby the Father (God), the Son (Christ) and the Holy Spirit (spooky ghost), are all properties of the same entity (i.e. God), then Ric Flair and Jeff Hardy should be theologically opposed... perhaps... but then I suppose Flair could be an incarnation of Yahweh, the vengeful God of the Old Testament... Flair should clarify what he means when he uses the word God in this context... erm... so with the run-in, we had a bit of argie-bargie, a bit of an altercation between the members of Fourtune and Douglas Williams... So Doug Williams is now out of Fourtune. This is excellent, it means now Fourtune’s name actually makes fucking sense, I also hope that a match comes of this at the next PPV between AJ and Williams, and hopefully they will give them 15-20 minutes... and a cage... and a ladder...
After the Flair promo we had a mixed tag match between The Guns with Velvet Sky and Jay Lethal, and Gen Me with Robbie E and Cookie... why they are having a manager wrestle after a few weeks of being introduced in beyond me... Becky Bayliss is hot, but she’s not a good worker by any stretch of the imagination... this match had some decent moments, but on the whole was a bit of clusterfuck. Robbie E got the win, which made no sense.
Next up was a segment with Jarrett and JB. You can tell that in recent months TNA have been trying to put over a “reality” feel to their programming, with lots of candid snatches of dialogue and shoots by the wrestlers. In this segment, Jarrett was haranguing JB to read out an elaborate introduction for him, and ended up bitch-slapping him. The scene was uncomfortable and awkward, and so worked very well – much better than a lot of the Bischoff/Hogan segments they’ve been doing recently.
Next up was Jeff Jarrett’s MMA exhibition. With Jarrett bringing out six students from his “dojo” and taking them one at a time to show them submissions. I actually found this segment pretty entertaining, even though as I’m writing this, it sounds like a sack of cack... the segment was interrupted by Samoa Joe (Not “SAMOAN JOE”, Hogan). A match between Joe and two of the anonymous ‘students’ lasted for about 20 seconds with Joe getting them both to tap out in quick succession. Jarrett ran away, and we will no doubt see a submission match at the next PPV.
I’m pretty hazy on the ordering here, but the next match (I think) was Jeff Hardy versus Raven. If Raven lost, he would be fired. With the EC2 angle being wound down, it’s no surprise that Raven lost. As much as I used to like Raven, today he looks out of shape and a bit of a drug-wreck. The match itself wasn’t bad, and had hardy win with a Twist of Fate followed by a Swanton for the pin.
There was a really dull promo between Rhino and Tommy Dreamer, which I can’t really remember aside from the fact that it nearly made me fall asleep. This also goes for 3D’s promo – as great as they are on the mic, this whole angle is rubbish. Bubba flips between face and heel every few weeks and its starting to wear a bit thin.
As I say, my order is all out of whack, but I’m pretty sure the next match was Mickie James versus Angelina for the number our contender’s slot. As Love didn’t get her rematch after she lost the title to Tara, I’m pretty sure she’s the de facto number one contender... but this is TNA and logic and consistency aren’t exactly top priorities. The match was pretty decent, Love looked really good in this match. James won and so she’ll be, erm, taking on Tara again at the next PPV... hmmm...
We then had a backstage bit with Angelina crying, who should show up but Winter? You know Winter; the one who’s been doing the Ultimate Warrior trick of appearing in a mirror? The one that only Angelina can see... and the cameraman... and the viewers... it seems that Winter is some kind of Eastern-bloc goth/witch lesbian stalker. I really cannot wait to see how long it takes for TNA to drop this one...
Next we had a match between Shannon Moore and Abyss. I can’t stand Shannon Moore, the guy is a spot monkey and I just hate his image/character/philosophy/wrestling style. This match was pretty dumb and ended with Pope become the Undertaker and magically appearing in a casket. I’m really confused by the casket, who’s casket is it? I thought it was Abyss’, but it seems that Taz thinks it is the Pope’s... I’m confused.
And the end the show we had the aforementioned Flair/Morgan match.
On the whole, this wasn’t a bad Impact. There were lots of short snappy backstage segments which is much preferred to the long-drawn-out conversations between Hogan and Bischoff. I still think that the TNA belt looks awful... truly awful...

WWE Breaking the Code: Behind the Walls of Chris Jericho DVD

Just a quick final note, Chris Jericho’s DVD is pretty awesome. The documentary segment is great, and has a lot of his best promos. The only negative thing about this is the fact that they spend far too much time plugging Fozzie. If you don’t know Fozzie, imagine the most generic rock you can... bingo! That’s what Fozzie is.
Of course, the best thing about the DVD is the two discs of matches. And because WWE owns the tapes to WCW/ECW/Smokey Mountain, etc, we get a good variety of matches.

“Cowboy” Chris Jericho vs. Lance T. Storm
Calgary, Alberta October 2, 1990
Alternate Commentary By: Chris Jericho & Matt Striker

The Thrill Seekers vs. The Infernos
Smoky Mountain Wrestling March 12, 1994

International Junior Heavyweight Championship Match
Chris Jericho vs. Ultimo Dragon
Japan July 7, 1995
Alternate Commentary By: Chris Jericho & Matt Striker

Chris Jericho vs. Cactus Jack
Hardcore TV March 12, 1996

WCW Cruiserweight Championship Match
Chris Jericho vs. Eddie Guerrero
Fall Brawl September 14, 1997

Mask vs. WCW Cruiserweight Championship Match
Chris Jericho vs. Juventud Guerrera
SuperBrawl VIII February 22, 1998

WCW Cruiserweight Championship Match
Chris Jericho vs. Dean Malenko
Nitro July 27, 1998

The Millennium Countdown Clock Expires
RAW August 9, 1999

Intercontinental Championship Match
Chris Jericho vs. Kurt Angle
No Way Out February 27, 2000

WWE Championship Match
Chris Jericho vs. Triple H
RAW April 17, 2000

WCW World Heavyweight Championship Match
Chris Jericho vs. The Rock
No Mercy October 21, 2001

Undisputed Championship Match
Chris Jericho vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin
Vengeance December 9, 2001
Disk 3

No Disqualification Match for the WWE Undisputed Championship
Chris Jericho vs. Hulk Hogan
SmackDown May 2, 2002

Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels
WrestleMania XIX March 30, 2003
Alternate Commentary By: Chris Jericho & Matt Striker

WWE Championship You’re Fired Match
Chris Jericho vs. John Cena
RAW August 22, 2005

Save_US.Y2J
RAW November 19, 2007

Intercontinental Championship Match
Chris Jericho vs. Jeff Hardy
RAW March 10, 2008

Ladder Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels
No Mercy October 5, 2008

No Holds Barred Match for the Intercontinental Championship
Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio
Extreme Rules June 7, 2009

Non-Title Match
Chris Jericho vs. Undertaker
SmackDown! November 13, 2009

World Heavyweight Championship Match
Chris Jericho vs. Edge
WrestleMania XXVI March 28, 2010

My favourite matches on here are versus Juventud Guerrera and Shawn Michaels. Most of the matches are 4 star + and is well-worth checking out.

TNA nonsense watch

TNA is now officially fucking retarded. This week’s Impact was possibly the worst Impact I have ever seen. This whole show deserves to be included in our latest TNA nonsense watch.

I’ve stopped reviewing TNA because I like Clown’s take so much, but damn it, I need to get this off my chest. I cannot believe how bad TNA has been this week. Remember that TNA is a taped show, it’s not live. TNA management chose to air this shit. Let’s see what went wrong:

Before the show kicked off, we had a package with Ric Flair talking about Fourtune – Ric Flair’s rehash of the Four Horsemen, only with six fucking members (surely it should be called Sixtune?) Indeed, the accompanying graphic package for a later match with Beer Money had lots of number fours bobbing around. It’s even spelt Fourtune. The Four Horsemen with six guys? Really? What the fuck? If you’re going to redo the Four Horsemen, have four of them.

The show opened with Dixie Carter coming to the ring, this is not a good sign. Why they’ve made her a character is beyond me. So, she calls Ric out, holding him “personally responsible” for Abyss attacking RVD. How this is so I have no fucking clue. She proceeds to suspend Ric for 90 days. As President of the company, it is perfectly within her power and right to do this. Flair tells Dixies that Fourtune are going to take over TNA (wow, it’s like that nWo/MEM/Nexus angle hasn’t been done before). Fourtune come out and look as though they are going to beat up Dixie. Luckily Serge dives into the ring to take a beating instead. I know what you’re saying: “No not Serge, you bastards, not Serge!”... of course you’re not saying that, and nobody is saying that because nobody knows who the fuck Serge is. Essentially they want to put over a group of guys as the new bad asses in town by, erm, attacking someone that no one has seen in TNA before. This guy could be anyone, and I am sure that the live audience who wouldn’t have had Taz telling us that he’s Dixie Carter’s husband were 50 times more confused than the people watching at home. Who knew there was a Serge? Who gives a fuck if he gets beaten? This is complete bullshit... But wait, it gets worse. By this point Dixie has made a swift exit, leaving her husband to get beat by Sixtune, and who should enter but Hulk Hogan (accompanied by Angle, Anderson, Pope and Hardy). “Thank God for Hulk Hogan” were the genuine words that left Tenay’s mouth at that point. He reminded me of the way Jerry Lawler creams his boxers every time John Cena turns up for work. I was expecting Hogan to rush in and take out each member of Fourtune with one punch, but luckily that didn’t happen. Instead, we were treated to Hogan “overriding” Dixie’s decision to suspend Flair. So what? Is Hogan the President now? What the fuck? Hogan explains: “I made a deal with Dixie Carter, dude, to run this company 50/50, brother” – so I’m paraphrasing, but that was the essence: a 50/50 relationship. 50 doesn’t have a majority over 50, 50% doesn’t give you more control that another 50%. WHAT THE FUCK? Either Dixie’s the President or she’s not. This is complete and utter nonsense. If that was not bad enough, with Flair declaring that Fourtune are going to take over the company, the Fatal Four (that’s Hardy, Angle, Anderson and Pope (four babyfaces who are currently in a tournament against each other for the World Championship, the most coveted title in sports entertainment, I might add)) are going to give “the keys of the company back to Dixie”. Now I hate to use logic on this, but lets look at what’s going on here: Dixie came out and took control of her company, Hogan overrode her, Hogan wants Dixie to take back control of the company. There’s a beautiful circularity in this which if considered for too long and by too many people could actually rip the very fabric of space and time.

Then it went stupider. Joe was put in a match with Orlando Jordan, a guy whose gimmick seems to have gone from “a bisexual” to a dirty fucking rapist sex offender. I’m not going to deconstruct how terrible the Jordan gimmick is here (Clown did that perfectly a few months back), but the match was just pointless. Jordan came to the ring with a Samoa Joe action figure, pretended to fellate it and molested SoCal “Butterface” Val – just like all bisexuals do... Anyway, at the end of the match Jeff Jarrett came out and started talking. A silence descended over the crowd like a bored mist. No one gets, or cares, about the squabbles between Sting/Nash and Jarrett. No one knows what is going on, or which side people should care about. Sting is too much of a face to be taken seriously as a heel, and Jarrett has been a heel in TNA for years. As far as I can make out, this seems to be another “the soul of TNA is at stake” angle, this time because of Kevin Nash, or Hulk Hogan’s politics, or Sting feeling deceived, or something. The “the soul of TNA is at stake” angle might be familiar to fans who remember things like the Kings of Wrestling... the Main Event Mafia... the Band... or, erm, the thing from the promo before, i.e. Fourtune... and, erm, EVWo 2.0... are all the major TNA angles the same at the moment? Let’s consider this angle for a moment and ask what would happen if Jarrett turned round to Nash and said “you win” and just walked away? Seriously, what is at stake? Is big granddad Nash going to slowly walk toward people and go through his vast move set? Maybe I’m missing something in the storyline, but as far as I can make out, it makes no fucking sense.

Later on in the show we had the revelation that Abyss must have multiple Janices. There is a brawl between him a Stevie Richard (he must have been struck off for malpractice because he no longer mentions his doctorate) in the car park. This segment is piss poor, but there is a point where Abyss manages to break Janice in two. After a commercial break, Rhino is waiting for Abyss in the ring and Abyss has either managed to do a miraculous repair job on Janice, or he simply has a whole collection of them. Living like some kind of Mormon with multiple women (except planks of wood rather than a genuine polygamist relationship). Clown will probably tell me that this is just a continuity error rather than nonsense, but I don’t care, this show had more holes in than, I dunno, something with a lot of holes in.

This is just a taste of how bad it was. Of late TNA’s story-telling and logic has took a complete nose-dive.

I’ve had enough now. I’m serious; TNA needs to get its shit together, because if there’s no improvement by Bound for Glory, I’m done (except for the live show in January I have tickets for already).

That Clown from Outta Towan - iMPACT July 7th 2010

Another week, another iMPACT. To be honest, I can't remember a thing about last week's show, other than there's going to be an ECW-style PPV.

I'm hoping for a few details/matches to be revealed. I'm hoping Tommy Dreamer doesn't cry again.

I also hope they start with wrestling.

0:09 - Tommy on the mic again...
2:26 - They're giving Bubba a mic :D
7:21 - Bubba's promising fire :D
8:00 - Oh god, here comes Hogan to ruin the moment
11:17 - Phew, Abyss is here to save us from Hogan
11:55 - Looks like ECW weren't 'they' after all
14:17 - Looks like Dreamer v Abyss tonight :D Shame Dreamer's gonna get whooped - he's injured so this is probably how they're going to explain him not wrestling at the PPV.
16:37 - Knockouts...fast forwarding. I've given them plenty of chances, and regretted it every time.
22:10 - Eric Young's back...tagging with Orlando Jordan...TNA must really hate this guy's career. Jordan seems to have toned down his act considerably though, which can only be a good thing.
28:33 - The less said about that match the better.
29:54 - Flair v Lethal in a street fight? I was dubious last time, and it was a good match...but still, I'm dubious again.
33:58 - Global Championship is now the TV Title :) 2nd time the fucking thing's been renamed...
35:44 - Woop, Angle's here :D
36:40 - FUCK YEAH ANGLE v AJ :D
37:17 - Beer Money v Guns...this should be good, they've been owning it up for weeks. MCMG are clearly gonna win though.
39:28 - They're bothering with tagging in a cage match??
46:06 - That was awesome...best one of the series so far :) Looking forward to next week...
46:43 - Ugh, Anderson
46:57 - Oh wait, Matt Morgan...still ugh.
53:29 - Best low blow ever.
59:02 - Rob Terry just beat Kaz in under 30 seconds...fucking disgraceful.
60:27 - Anderson & Hardy v TNA Security is just silly...
66:33 - Ugh, Bischoff
20:05 - Yay, Abyss :) Please kill Bischoff with your pointy stick
70:23 - Nailboard ladder match haha
72:03 - Abyss was going to kill Bischoff, and RVD saved him, but RVD is a face and Abyss is a heel...that makes no sense at all. Anyone trying to kill Bischoff is ok in my book.
83:28 - Dreamer v Abyss was nothing to write home about...looks like it's Raven v Dreamer at the PPV though.

Overall, a very mediocre iMPACT. It was basically just the MCMG v Beer Money match, and nothing else interesting or significant. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't good either

That Clown from Outta Town - July 15th 2010 iMPACT

I'm looking forward to this one - the PPV was, for me, a complete overachiever and much more fun than it looked on paper. I'm actually interested in the fallout from some of the matches this month.

Looking forward to finding out what happens next, primarily with the Lethal/Flair situation as well as the 3D angle. Lethal v Flair was much better than I expected (I was expecting it to be about as good as Orlando Jordan v Ultimate Warrior...). I'm also looking forward to the new rankings, since they actually have an impact on the next PPV - at least, they have an impact on the main event. I'm expecting either Joe or Abyss to be #1 contender, but TNA likes throwing curveballs so who knows.

As always, I hope they start with wrestling. But if they start with the rankings, I'll let them off.

00:30 - They mentioned the Joe/Wolfe thing...a feud looks slightly more likely now than 30 secs ago :)
1:25 - Settle the controversy over the tag titles? What controversy, MCMG clearly won, despite the ridiculous finish and restart which really didn't improve the match one bit...unless that's the controversy. But did anyone actually want Beer Money to beat MCMG? I'd be surprised to find out they did.
1:28 - Ladies streetfight - I won't be fast forwarding that one.
1:55 - Rankings
2:30 - Yup, Abyss at #1...the only real surprises are that Joe is only at #4, Lethal has made it up to #5, and Rob Terry is back in the top 10. I don't get why Angle goes up one place per match, while the rest of the roster fly up and down the ladder seemingly at random. Probably best not to think about it (which is the TNA fan's mantra, as we all know)
2:48 - Haha, Abyss is about to beat up a leg of beef...I'd love to see the meeting where they came up with that one
4:58 - Abyss has named his 'girl' Janice
5:39 - Hahaha, Abyss was hitting the beef and snapped Janice in half...hahaha
6:43 - Abyss is now making out with the beef...
7:07 - Looks like the streetfight's just gonna be a backstage brawl
7:57 - How come they know there's a fight going on, they managed to get a cameraman there to film it, but didn't get any security or anything to break it up? Probably best not to think about it.
10:50 - MCMG and Beer Money are going to have a best of 5 series?? Christ...TNA needs more tag teams.
12:58 - This streetfight is bad, and I want it to end.
13:17 - Cool, it's over...
14:31 - God, Bischoff's secretary...Bischoff can't be far away...
14:55 - Everyone cheering when Nash came in makes it look like a fucking sitcom
15:57 - Non-title I Quit match...so Kendrick's gonna win, obviously.
19:38 - Never seen that Monkey-Flip-into-Boston-Crab before...fucking awesome.
22:25 - Good match while Doug had momentum, but a terrible ending - how come Kendrick is suddenly able to submit Doug in like 30 seconds?
24:54 - Jarret's stopping a beatdown D: Fucking Jarrett
25:14 - Or maybe he'll batter Jarrett instead.
28:37 - Chelsea still exists :(
28:50 - Christ, now Wolfe gets to job to Rob Terry...they must really hate him backstage to lumber him with this shit and ignore his obvious talent
29:25 - FUCK YEAH SAMOA JOE - I guess it's a 3-way?
29:38 - KILL THEM BOTH JOE THEN START ON THE AUDIENCE - KILL EVERYTHING THAT MOVES
30:34 - Wow, Brutus Magnus is back...maybe to team with Wolfe? I hope not, I want Wolfe v Joe at the PPV
31:37 - Is it me, or has Magnus stolen Christian's look?
34:04 - That kick by Terry wasn't even close
34:11 - Joe's kick landed though :D
34:20 - AND JOE FUCKING WINS FUCK YEAH
35:29 - Ladder match up next...maybe this best of 5 thing might turn out ok.
35:59 - I'm 90% sure Flair is going to try and recruit Lethal as the first member of Fortune.
43:03 - Sabin just failed to run up a ladder...that'll be on Botchamania
43:10 - Holy shit, what an awesome clothesline
45:55 - This match is awesome
47:34 - That was actually a pretty decent screwjob...
48:21 - Abyss has a new Janice...
48:36 - Matt Morgan v Pope. Who knows if it'll be any good or not?
52:28 - Angle v Hernandez? I hope they Wolfe it and don't take it to PPV...
51:29 - Pope beats Morgan in under 3 minutes...what the fuck. I've seen highlight reels which were longer than that match.
53:17 - Anderson coming in for the save on Pope...that's a pretty smart way of having the two make up, didn't see that coming...and explains why the match was so short.
56:21 - Warning, Knockout on the mic...
57:52 - Madison is threatening to sue TNA if she doesn't get her belt back...I hope she sues, I'd rather watch a long, boring and complicated court case than another Madison Rayne match.
63:27 - There's too many mystery people in TNA...the mystery biker (looks like it could be Alyssa Flash), and Abyss' 'Them'...one is enough.
64:59 - Lethal v Hardy, should be good :)
65:13 - Lethal's still wearing his 'I love Hogan' red and yellow outfit...looks more ridiculous that the Black Machismo outfits, except this time it's not on purpose.
66:02 - Admittedly, it looks better without the robe...I guess it's just the robe I don't like.
68:28 - Fans chanting ECW again...sigh
70:50 - MCMG v Beer Money in a street fight next week :)
71:12 - Cool, Hernandez v Angle on iMPACT...they're gonna Wolfe it :D
71:34 - An ok match, nothing hugely inspiring...shame Jay didn't get the win.
72:16 - Fortune announcement...AJ and Kaz first members...but here comes Wolfe
73:31 - And here comes Abyss...the last ten minutes are going to be a clusterfuck, apparently.
79:40 - FUCK YEAH FOLEY IS BACK
79:57 - ECW INVASION :D
82:18 - This is mental
83:54 - Dixie invited the ECW guys...that makes no sense, if she's in charge why didn't she tell anyone so that this exact thing didn't happen? Probably best not to think about it.

This was a pretty ok iMPACT, they seemed to forget about all of the plot threads they left hanging at the PPV but there were some pretty decent matches. MCMG v Beer Money stole the show, I'm glad to see Foley back (and I'm sure Socko is too), Joe won (after losing 2 matches in a row...that's a long streak of losses for Joe), Abyss beating up a cow's leg was funny as fuck...nothing else hugely significant happened.

Most of the matches were a decent length for once (or at least seemed to be), which was nice to see. TNA really needs to work on storytelling though - their angles just aren't captivating at all right now. If they get the storytelling right, they have easily enough talent to be fucking awesome. A lot of the problem is inconsistency - they'll leave an angle on a cliffhanger, then not mention it for a few weeks by which point nobody cares any more. If they followed up straight away, then people would be more interested. But still, a definite improvement on the last few weeks.

Greatest Matches Ever!: AJ Styles vs. Abyss, TNA Lockdown, April 2005

I've made no secret of the fact that I think that Abyss is a waddling fat fuck who doesn't deserve to be given the push that he is at the moment. But, there was a time when Abyss was in shape and put on a decent match. The match I want to share with you today is a great cage match with one of the most brutal ref bumps I think I've ever seen. It just goes to show how bad Abyss is today. Maybe its because he's a face, or maybe because he's now 'in excess' of 350 pounds, who knows?
Anyway, enjoy:




I miss 6 sides of steel :(

Review: TNA Slammiversary VIII

After 23 days in the wilderness, I’m back. So let’s not waste time and get to the review of TNA’s Slammiversary VIII. Before watching the PPV I caught up on the Impacts from the past three weeks and was surprised by the low key build-up for many of the matches, oh apart from Hardy/Anderson teaming up and the ‘Why Sting, why?’ angle still being as funny as hell. Why Sting, why?

The first match of the evening was a welcome surprise, but one, which upon reflection, fits in perfectly with Angle starting at the bottom (well, number 11) of the TNA top 10 rankings. TNA and consistent storylines don’t usually happen, so I’m interested to see how this one pans out. Anyway, in the opening match we had Kazarian and Kurt Angle. This is how a PPV or an episode of Impact should open, with a decent match. Of course, the match was so good that it probably made the rest of the show not look as good. The crowd intensity peaked during this match, so the rest of the event was just a little bit quieter (but thank God, throughout the first match one shrill scream could be heard throughout the match, which was most disconcerting, whoever that screaming woman was, would you please shut the fuck up in future?). What made me laugh was when the fans were chanting ‘USA USA USA’; who was that for exactly? Angle, who’s American or Kaz, who also happens to be an American? Give yourselves a pat on the back for that one.

There were some pretty awesome moves during this one, with Kaz having the upperhand early on even getting Angle with the Ulmari driver (that reverse tombstone thing), which with Angle’s neck the way it is, was pretty nasty. Angle beat Kaz with the ankle lock and moved up in the rankings.

Next up was Brian Kendrick versus Doug Williams for the X Division title. This match had been set up with Williams being against the high-flying style of the X-Division. Which is why Kendrick (also a heel, I might add) spent most of the match brawling in the ring with Douglas. Douglas then finished the match with one of the most uncomfortable and least graceful Tornado DDTs I think I’ve ever seen. With Kendrick grounded, the storyline just didn’t make a lot of sense, and with Kendrick avoiding the mic like someone’s offering him a poo to smell the match had little build-up. The only thing I learnt through Impact is that Kendrick is a psycho.... just like Nailz... Instead of Kendrick, they should have had Amazing Red, at least the disparity in styles would have been more pronounced and the crowd would have given a shit. Overall though, not a bad match

Next we had a bit with Eric Bischoff asking ‘Why Sting, why?’ Yawn. He then went on to talk about how great Rob Van Dam is. Yawn. Bischoff makes a great heel, but when he’s a babyface he is completely boring. If TNA need to have Eric Bischoff (which they don’t), then bring back Sleazy E, at least that way he’ll be vaguely entertaining.

Next up was Roxxi versus Madison Rayne for the Knockouts title. I must have been in the mood for self-flagellation because I knew this was going to be a stinker, but watched it anyway to see how bad it would be. The match began with Madison coming to the ring and takes the mic, she starts moaning to Roxxi that she has everything to lost and Roxxi has everything to gain, clearly not realising defending a title is meant to work. The match becomes a title versus career match, and as Roxxi was agreeing, Madion smacked her in the head with the mic and busted he wide open. It looked like a blade job, but it wasn’t. What it confirmed was that Roxxi is actually the daughter of Ric Flair, because no one else bleeds like that. Madison won, but when it comes to it, the Knockouts division is a joke now (they bring in a fat stripper, but ignore Hamada and Sarita, what the fuck?) and when it comes to it Roxxi’s been in about three matches this year, so she hadn’t exactly made waves on TNA. Not quite the stinker I thought it would be, but still a pretty poor match.

Next up was Brother Ray versus Jesse Neal in a Teacher versus Student match. This storyline from the beginning struck me a being weak and made Brother Ray look like a bit of a dick. Anyway, the match began with Brother Ray taking to the mic and apologising for being an arse candle and there were hugs all round. Just in case you forgot, this is a PPV, use the build up to cut promos... for fuck’s sake... but wait! Shock upon shock! It was all a ruse. Brother Ray socked Jesse on the head and threw him about 10 foot to the other side of the ring... much better, can we have some wrestling now please? The match played out like a squash match with Brother Ray beating on Jesse throughout. But then, I think we had the earth-shattering arrival of... Tommy Dreamer? Now don’t get me wrong, Tommy Dreamer was great, but that was over a decade ago. Also, he was retired by Zack Ryder (yes, the Raw jobber who’s still yet to win a match on Raw), which doesn’t exactly make him look like the most dominant of wrestlers. Hopefully his role will be similar to what Shane Douglas’s was back in the early days of TNA, or maybe he’ll bring Taz out of retirement. But honestly, I can’t see where he would fit in an already top-heavy roster. Anyway, with the distraction of Dreamer appearing in the crowd, Jesse took Brother Ray down with a spear for the pin. Pretty mediocre match.

Next up was Hernandez versus Matt Morgan, which was one of the few matches on this PPV I was excited about. The match began with Morgan coming out in his normal clothes, wearing a neck brace and selling a neck injury. He comes to the ring and, because this is a PPV, takes the mic to cut a promo. He handed the ref a doctor’s note which said he could not ‘perform’ (don’t say that, people will find out that wrestling’s fake!). As he walked away from the ring Hernandez arrived and threw him into the ring. Two matches in a row and two attempted swerves... don’t use the same gimmick two matches running. Anyway, the match was pretty evenly matched most of the way through with Hernandez working on Morgan’s neck and then Morgan going to work on Supermex’s shoulder. With months of aggression building up in Hernandez in his bid to get revenge over Morgan, how did the match end? With Supermex getting DQed for throwing the ref, I’m not even kidding. The brawling continued until the referee tried to stand in front of a kick and go smacked in the chest. This match was pretty disappointing and had a pointless ending. Let’s hope that Supermex reforms LAX again.

Next up was an interview with Hulk Hogan who was asking ‘Why Sting, why?’ Complaining that Sting had crossed the line (which is what I thought TNA was all about: their tagline is ‘Cross the Line’ for fuck’s sake, but of course Hogan wouldn’t know that because he’s only in it for his own ego). Hogan then went on to talk about ‘the code of ethics’ wrestlers have and that they shouldn’t destroy other wrestler’s careers. Now I’m not one to split hairs here, but hasn’t Hogan been cited by numerous sources as one of the main reasons for the fall of WCW and why many young wrestlers in WCW did not get a push? Anyway...

Next up was Abyss versus Desmond Wolfe in a Monster’s Ball match. Though you might to know it, Desmond Wolfe is one of the best technical wrestlers in TNA, if not the industry (watch some of his matches with Kurt Angle or Bryan Danielson on YouTube to see what I mean), so what do TNA do with such a gifted talent? They get him to hit Abyss over the head with a kendo stick a few times. These type of matches had their place about 10-15 years ago, but they just piss me off now. Why TNA still insists on these is beyond me. Abyss took some pretty hard shots with bin lids and a kendo stick and gets cut up with a board wrapped in barbed wire. It seemed odd that TNA would couple a hardcore match with a goofy ‘Beauty and the Beast’ style storyline. I’ve got to admit that I nearly pissed myself laughing when Desmond Wolfe pulled a teddy bear, wrapped in barbed wire, out of one of the bins. Hardcore! The match came to a climax and Wolfe wanted his brass knuckles from Chelsea (not realising that the ring was scattered with other potential sources of injury for Abyss). But... Shock upon shock! Chelsea gave the knuckles to Abyss who socked Wolfe and put him in a Black Hole Slam and getting the pin. Chelsea was stood, barbed-wired teddy bear in hand, aww... At this point I was expecting an anthropomorphic teapot to start a chorus with the teddy bear, singing a song about beauty being more than skin-deep or something. This match was just stupid... though I’m looking forward to the Match made in Heaven between Abyss and Chelsea booked for the next PPV... maybe...

Next up was, for me, one of the highlights of the PPV, Jay Lethal versus AJ. I’m really glad to see Lethal getting a push, he’s still got his comedy stuff, but now he’s himself which is great. I thought his entrance theme sucked donkey anus. I know they’ve dropped the Black Machismo gimmick, but they really needn’t have given him some generic rock music. Would have been funnier, even if it was for the short-term, for Lethal to come out to Flair’s theme, or at least a reworking of it, but what do I know?

The match was really good, and saw Lethal and AJ at their best. For some reason though, the crowd was a bit flat, maybe they’d yawned themselves to sleep with the Beauty and the Beast match? Lots of Flair-style chops and figure-four leg locks throughout. AJ even gave a nod to one of the other Horsemen, Arn Anderson, with a pretty nasty looking brain buster on Lethal. Wrestlers should watch this match to learn how to sell. With Lethal working on AJ’s knee we had AJ limping around a bit, then when it looked like AJ was going to suddenly forget about his injury and go up-top, his knee went from under him on the second rope. This is such a small detail, but one which certain wrestlers could learn from *cough* ROB VAN DAM *cough*. Lethal won with the pin... a very good match.

At the end of the match we saw a bit of a dressing down on AJ by Flair, and Kaz came out to calm him down. Flair reminded of the character Pop from League of Gentlemen when he finds out that his son was robbed:



I was hoping at this point in the match that Kaz would start kicking the shit out of AJ, but alas, he took Flair away and we are left with hints of a feud between Kaz and AJ which could be pretty cool.

Next up was the match between Hardy/Anderson, sorry, the Enigmatic Assholes, and Beer Money. Even though they’d spent far too much time hyping this match up on Impact, I had completely forgotten about it by the time it came on. On the whole, this wasn’t a bad match; it was just a bit dull. Beer Money lost, and nobody cared.

Finally, we had the main event Rob van Dam versus Sting. I really wanted to see RVD get beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat, but it wasn’t my night. Unsurprisingly RVD won. Unsurprisingly RVD didn’t sell or display any in-ring psychology. Unsurprisingly, Rob Van Dam did that thing with his arms to get people to chant his initials at every available opportunity. Unsurprisingly, Van Dam did the same spots he was doing over a decade ago. Unsurprisingly, there was a ref bump and a run-in by Jarrett. Unsurprisingly, the match was unsurprising. The amount of times I groaned and tutted during this match made me sound like I was speaking some weird African dialect.

Woooo!!!! Mr TNA won!!!! Woooo!!!! RVD RVD RVD!!!!! Whole fucking show!!!! Woooo!!!!

I’m now officially sick of RVD. He got handed the championship and he’s a boring egomaniac. TNA have always bumped ex-WWE wrestlers to the top of their roster without realising that it is damaging for them in the long-run. TNA are doing the right thing with Jay Lethal, letting him find his feet then putting him over when he was ready. Rob Van Dam is not Mr TNA, at the moment, that would go to AJ, or Lethal, or Kaz, or whoever really. If TNA ever want to compete with WWE on a serious level, they need to put their own home grown talent above the ex-WWEers, otherwise they’ll always be seen as the company that repackages the WWE rejects. One of the reasons that WCW failed was because they didn’t spend enough time building up their own talent. The WWE spends time building characters up. Look at Steve Austin, who was the Ring Master when he came to WWE, or Reverend Batista, or Johnny Nitro, or Rocky Maivia, or Hunter Hirst Helmsley... you get the picture.

Ahh, it’s good to be back at the helm of the good ship Socko...

That Clown from Outta Town - May 27th iMPACT

iMPACT time again. Hopefully Sting will attack wrestlers I don't like all night again. Plus, I want to see what happens to The Band following Scott Hall's arrest (although that may have happened after the show was taped - not sure), and I hope to see Angle vs Kaz - I want to get to Angle vs Joe ASAP! Please start with wrestling not talking this week TNA!

1:35 - Ooh, Band vs 3D vs Ink Inc :)
1:49 - Kaz vs Lethal - awesome :)
2:48 - Jeff, please be coming to fight, not to flap your lips.
3:51 - Ugh, talking :(
7:12 - Here comes AJ :D Hope this turns into a 3-way...
9:54 - Why does AJ look like a waxwork of himself?
11:11 - FUCK YEAH RING THE BELL
14:20 - Let's go Jesse! Show no mercy! Love TNA fans :)
18:48 - Cool, Jesse vs Bubba...hope it's no DQ!
20:29 - Whoa, RVD mentioning his opponent - is that a first?
21:04 - Kaz v Lethal :D Can't wait, this could easily be match of the night.
21:51 - Just noticed Lethal has new entrance music - guess Black Machismo is over :'(
29:43 - Cool match, slightly ruined by the postmatch drama, but at least Lethal slapped the shit out of Flair so it's all good :)
30:46 - Looks like Orlando Jordan laid out Shannon? He did that card thing before iirc...
32:15 - Here comes OJ...with Abyss stickers on his nipples? What?
32:53 - Abyss vs OJ - bit out of the blue. I'm sure Wolfe will be along shortly.
38:48 - Whoomp, there it is - haha, 'Get up, bubblegum'
39:47 - Freakbuster? Looks like a chokeslam to me...
40:38 - Here comes RVD - FUCK HIM UP STINGER
47:47 - They're promoting midget wrestling on TNA now...way to raise your profile.
49:33 - I was actually going to watch this match - Wilde and Sarita are pretty good - but they've got the midget wrestling guy on commentary. Fuck that. Fast forwarding.
56:28 - WOLFE V HARDY - This is either gonna be great, or a huge letdown. Don't fuck it up, TNA.
57:18 - FUCK YEAH ANGLE - Tell 'em, Kurt!
57:50 - Oh, he's commentating.
58:20 - Just realised, Kurt vs the top ten means Kurt vs Wolfe again as well as the Joe match - this is fucking awesome. I love this angle. Can't fucking wait for the Joe match though. Hope they have another red hot feud to hype it up, there was a time when I thought those two were going to kill each other.
61:00 - This match looks to be pretty good so far...please don't fuck it up with a run-in Abyss/Anderson/AJ/whoever
66:30 - Neat match, shame about the copout ending - I'd be happy to see these two go at it at PPV though
67:03 - Morgan's back :) FUCK HIM UP JOE
68:56 - Morgan issuing an open challenge for a tag partner - I'd love to hear Hernandez's music right about now :)
69:16 - Anderson calling out Angle? Is he mad?
71:24 - FUCK YEAH JOE FUCK EM UP JOE
72:18 - Joe and Angle eye to eye...you can cut the tension with a knife...Joe v Angle is going to be fucking awesome
73:24 - Cool, AJ vs Anderson...I'd usually write off an Anderson match before the bell rings but it's AJ...I'll give it a shot ;)
84:26 - Neat match, the post match drama wasn't much to write home about but I guess it continues the Hardy/Anderson love-in...

Pretty good iMPACT this week :) Joe vs Morgan seems to be brewing, Joe v Angle is going to be awesome, Jesse v Bubba is getting pretty hot...Sting v RVD is kinda going off the boil a little, Wolfe v Hardy will be great if it escalates into a feud - their match was pretty good until the ref bump. No Hogan, no Bischoff and minimal RVD makes for a great iMPACT, it seems.

Some suggestions for TNA should any of them actually read this:

1. Put Red back on TV! He's awesome! The fans love him!
2. Bring back Pope! Or at least update us on his condition! The fans love him!
3. BRING BACK SHARK BOY! THE FANS LOVE HIM!

Review: TNA Sacrifice 2010

So, with my drunken and incoherent ramble over The Clown’s predictions late last night, I figured it was time to write a more considered review.



The first thing I need to say about Sacrifice is that two things completely sucked: the crowd and Tazz’s announcing. I’m usually a fan of Tazz’s commentaries, but, man, he was seriously off his game this time. For most of the PPV, the crowd were flat; they didn’t seem to give a shit about the matches. Maybe this is because the PPV was in the Impact Zone, or maybe it’s because TNA management hadn’t spent much time building up any of the matches for people to really give a shit about who wins or loses. Also, it seems that JB has been promoted to ring announcer...

First up we had the number one contenders’ match for the tag team titles between Motor City Machine Guns, Beer Money and 3D. It wasn’t the greatest match I’ve seen these guys in, the Dudleys were kept out of it for most the match so it seemed like MCMG versus Beer Money. The crowd were flat until the final moment of the match when Sabin got the pin on Brother Ray.

Next up was the Global Championship between Roid Terry and Orlando Jordan. The build up to this match was centred around that bi-sexual gimmick, which as The Clown pointed out, is just daft. What came out of this match was the real feeling that Terry really can’t wrestle for shit and that Jordan is actually a decent performer and doesn’t need to go for the Goldust angle. Terry won with what Tazz described as “a spine-buster like move” – looked like a choke slam to me. Considering Terry is basically a crapper version of Batista, this match wasn’t that bad. Jordan’s move-set is pretty old-skool and it’s nice to see a good old fashioned leg-drop every now and again. TNA really need to get rid of Rob Terry; the guy’s a fucking joke. It’s probably for the best that TNA did away with the ‘gay’ angle, but if you’re going to build up a storyline into a match you should at least carry it on. Knowing TNA, the O-Zone will be back on Thursday and Jordan will come out looking like he’s been the spunk mop in a brothel.

After the match, we cut to a backstage promo which shows the Dudleys in their locker room licking their wounds. Ink Inc. (eugh, that name) go in and the Dudleys wish them luck and warn them that the Band might take their gripe with the Dudleys out on them. Neal say that they don’t need luck and they’ll take care of the Band for them. This pisses of Bubba, and after Ink Inc. leaves he rants to Devon about lack of respect, blah blah.

The third match of the evening was Kazarian versus Doug Williams for the X-Division title. I love the fact that this angle was written by an Icelandic volcano, but it was a pretty decent angle nonetheless. I was looking forward to this match because not only are Kazarian and Williams two of TNA’s most underrated stars, they also have two of the best finishers in the company. The match was pretty decent but was spoilt by a flat crowd and poor commentary; Tazz’s piss-poor announcing was saved by Taney’s wit, when he said something like “Kaz took a year out of the business and everyone thought it would be career suicide” – geddit? Suicide? Kaz was Suicide, he didn’t really leave. Geddit? The match worked really well with the angle of Williams hating the high-risk style of the X-Division and saw Kazarian going to work with some good, solid, technical wrestling. It was Williams who resorted to a high-risk move, going of the top rope and smacking Kaz’s face into the entrance ramp. I don’t know if this was done on purpose, but this was a nice subtle tough which added some complexity and hypocrisy to Williams’ character. There were some pretty cool moves in the match including a brain-buster variation and of course his Chaos Theory for the win. I would have liked to have seen Kaz’s fucked up backwards piledriver thing, but no such luck. I think Kazarian may be the only X-Division title holder to not actually have possession of the belt.

Next up was for the Knockout’s Championship between Tara and Madison Rayne, with Tara putting her career on the line if she didn’t win. It was no secret that her contract was up, so it was a bit of a pointless match. The Knockout division used to be pretty interesting as far as women’s wrestling goes. With characters like Hamada, Roxxi, Awesome Kong, Alisa Flash, etc. The Knockouts Division wasn’t the joke it is today. To my reckoning, this may have been Madison’s first one-on-one match on TV in TNA (which is a good feat for a single’s title holder!) The match stunk, and you could see that Tara was trying to make it look like a good match. Poor Tara. The crowd were in particularly bad form, especially for a career match; they didn’t seem to give a shit when she was pinned. It was only when Tara was being escorted away by security that a few chants of “thank you Tara” started up. Poor Tara; her last match and it was awful.

Next we had a short promo of Eric Young with Band. It seems that Eric Young may have his tongue firmly embedded into his cheek in this promo. He says something along the lines of “look at the players in TNA, nothing but wannabes and has-beens. I am the only one cool enough to hang out with the Band.” This made me laugh so hard I nearly popped a shit. Eric Young sounds like some geeky kid in primary school who’s been allowed to hang out with the cool kids... hahahaha! Because Hall and Nash are pretty old and can either, hardly walk, or are too fat to do much cardio-vascular stuff, Nash announced that the Band held the title, not just Hall and Nash. So, like the Fabulous Freebirds, any combination could defend the title at any given time. I glad that go cleared up.

So onto the tag team title match between the Band and Ink Inc. Contrary to what Nash had hinted at only moments before, it was actually Hall and Nash who waddled and limped to the ring, leaving EY backstage presumably to look after Hall and Nash’s grandkids or something. Unsurprisingly, this match was another stinker. Both Nash and Hall look so slow and bumbly in the ring, it’s not even funny anymore. The ref got knocked out, EY came out with a kendo stick. There was a bit of a kerfuffle. Brother Ray came out and interfered, beating on Jesse Neal. The Band retained the titles. Yawn.

Next we had the Ring vs Chelsea match between Abyssmal (geddit?) and Desmond Wolfe. Now, I didn’t realise that TNA condone white slavery, but clearly they do, as the stipulation if Wolfe lost was that Chelsea would become Abyss’s slave for 30 days in a boring Beauty and the Beast style set-up. Abyss looked pretty funny waddling around the ring with Wolfe. It must have been difficult for Wolfe going up against such a lame competitor. The match began with Wolfe being attacked on the ramp by Abyss while Chelsea sat watching from a throne (don’t ask, I don’t know). Again Tazz was coming out this some lame lines, though I nearly wet myself when he said that Chelsea “probably wants to throw up in her own mouth” – seriously, Tazz, what the fuck? So with Chelsea tasting bile in the back of her throat, Abyss choke slams Wolfe. Chelsea distracted Abyss and threw some brass knuckles into the ring. Wolfe smacked Abyss in the head and he goes down quicker than your mother for a can of cider. Wolfe goes in for the pin and Abyss gets up. This is where the match got fucking stupid. Abyss started Hulking up, Wolfe kept hitting Abyss, but for some reason he was immune to its effects. Abyss took Wolfe up for a Black Hole Slam for the pin. Victorious, Abyss spoke to Chelsea and spit went flying from his mouth onto her face and onto the camera lens; it was fucking disgusting. Poor Chelsea.

Next up we have Anderson and Hardy. I can’t actually remember what these guys are feuding about, but Anderson cut one of the best promos I’ve seen all year. I was literally laughing out loud, lol. I love it when small things in promos catch on. Getting the crowd chanting “I’m an asshole” was brilliant. I’m looking forward to seeing how this will work on TV. Will Spike censor the crowd every time this chant starts? I hope so, it will be like listing to the audio equivalent of a strobe light. This was probably the first time in the evening that the crowd started to get into the show, which made for better viewing and made for better in-ring performances. The match started with Anderson grounding Hardy for the first few minutes; there’s some pretty decent wrestling going on, but nothing even close to the level of Anderson and Angle at Lockdown. The match starts to step up when Hardy uses a chair to catapult himself towards Anderson in a textbook Sabu style dive over the top rope. Both competitors pulled out their usual signature moves, with Hardy doing a Swanton Bomb from the top rope for the win. The match ended with what could possibly be a double turn: Anderson held offered a handshake to Hardy, who refused and left him standing in centre of the ring.

We then cut to a promo with AJ Styles, who tells Christie that “these are dark times for TNA” – indeed they are, indeed they are. Poignantly we are now ready for one of the most pointless matches of the evening. I didn’t give a shit about this match, TNA hadn’t even bothered to build it up and the announcing was just awful throughout. “Why Sting? Why?” The match itself lasted for less than a minute and was really just a pre-match brawl in which Jarrett showed us his best Ric Flair impression by bleeding everywhere with that crazy bright red blood that only wrestlers seem to have running through their veins. Once they finally get in the ring, Sting does a Scorpion Death Drop and gets the pin-fall. Why Sting? Why? Sting continues his beat down and puts Jarrett’s shoulders between the ring steps and a baseball bat and stomps a couple of times. It is at this point that Hogan rushes out and, erm, does fuck all, but this ends the beat down. Why Sting? Why? Why didn’t Sting end on a high at Bound for Glory? Why Sting? Why?

Finally, we come to the main event. On paper, this is a dream match for me: AJ Styles versus Rob Van Dam. This match had some great moments, but I found it quite boring on the whole. The match was very slow to start with lots of posturing and stalling by both parties. At every opportunity during the match, RVD stood in the ring doing that arm thing in time with his name. Enough already! Flair came down to ringside only to be flanked by Lethal who gets him with some chops and a Figure Four Leglock. This was the best bit of the match. RVD did his Frog Splash and won, retaining the title and being a boring champion for at least another month... good to see Lethal in a main event though!

Clown's Sacrifice predictions revisited...

So, I just watched Sacrifice and it wasn't the best PPV I've seen.
Worst moments: Rob Terry selling like a spastic to Jordan.
Highlight: Mr Kenderson's promo.
Realisations: Hardy is not a great wrestler, but has good moments. RVD is doing my head in and should fuck off back to the indies so he can point at himself and people to chant his initials.

And why did Abyss drool all over Chelsea?
Anyway, onto the Clown's predictions:


Clown's Sacrifice Predictions

MATT MORGAN vs SAMOA JOE

Didn't happen, but would have been better than RVD vs AJ...

3D vs BEER MONEY vs MCMG

Flair's boys (Beer Money) will get the 1-2-3. - Nope, went to MCMG - maybe they'll get a title at last?

THE BAND vs INK INC.

The Band. No way would they win the belts on Thursday only to lose them on Sunday...and why bother abruptly ending the Morgan/Ink feud so they can get the belts from The Band instead of Morgan? That is, of course, unless 3D interferes in which case the belts will go to their boy Jesse Neal.

So close with the prediction... Bubba Ray took out Neal, Band won.

MADISON RAYNE vs TARA

Who gives a fuck? (Madison to win, Tara's contract is up, but I really don't care...bring back Kong, give Alyssa Flash and Hamada a big push, and I might actually start watching the knockouts again...Wylde is good, but she's not so good she can carry an entire division on her back - nobody is.) - yup

ROB TERRY vs ORLANDO JORDAN

Tough to call...Jordan has laid out Terry on iMPACT the last two weeks with no comeback, which would usually point to a Terry win...but I have a feeling in my gut that this one will run a while longer. It's a coin toss...I'm gonna go Jordan I think. -
Terry won, but Jordan is so much better in the ring than Rob Roidy

WOLFE vs ABYSS

I hope I'm wrong, but Abyss to win. I only hope it's a decent match, and not a one-sided squash like I suspect it'll be. If Wolfe wins, it won't be clean.

EDIT: Just remembered the Chelsea vs Ring stipulation...I can't see Abyss and Chelsea together after this week's iMPACT, but I can see Wolfe going 'Hahaha I got the ring'. Wolfe to win.

- wrong... this storyline is fucking retarded.

2ND EDIT: I just found out that the 'Chelsea becomes Abyss's manager' stipulation is only for 30 days, not permanant. Abyss to win.

- yup

KAZ vs DOUG

Kaz to win. They wouldn't have stripped Doug of the belt and given it to Kaz if he wasn't going to win the 3-way at Lockdown anyway. Joe to do a run-in and batter the winner if he doesn't fight Morgan.

- Williams won, but I'm sure Kaz will cash in his rematch and get the title...

ANDERSON vs HARDY

Anderson to win by screwjob. I have a feeling that Pope might show up and prove me wrong, but if Pope's not there I can see this feud running a little longer.

- nope, pretty dull match, Hardy won. Hardy looked a mess. Anderson gave promo of the year.

RVD vs AJ

RVD to win :(

- this match pwas bullshit. Kurt Angle is Mr TNA, not this stoner prick who was good a decade ago. Oh look he's doing that arm thing again and getting people to chant his initials... yeaaaaahhhh!!!! ...wish I was mates with Hogan....


STING vs JEFF JARRETT

Hard to say, neither one of them was on iMPACT this week so tough to know where they're going with this angle...the booking for this so far has been a mess. Another cointoss...I'm gonna say Sting. No, Jarrett. No...I honestly don't know.
- Sting, and the match was a joke.

Summary: Bullshit PPV, RVD can fuck off. Wolfe, AJ and Anderson shouldn't be jobbing... Orlando Jordan is underrated... Doug Williams should kick Rob Terry's face off and get two belts... Kevin Nash looks like a disabled old tramp... Ramone looks like a rapist... Let's go asshole

Clown's TNA Nonsense Watch

There's a disturbing trend starting up in TNA. Things are happening that make no fucking sense whatsoever. I've decided to start up a Nonsense Watch to catalogue all of the insane bullshit that's going on. Here's a few to get the ball rolling.

Lethal Lockdown

So the angle going into this is that Bischoff has been talking to Flair for weeks before the match, causing suspicion that he's planning to turn on Hogan and side with Flair. During the match, Flair and Hogan both get involved, culminating in Hogan menacing Flair with a baseball bat. Bischoff runs in, talks Hogan into calming down and handing him the baseball bat. Bischoff pulls out some brass knuckles, pretends he's going to give them to Flair, but instead gives them to Hogan who batters Flair while Bischoff cheers him on.

This makes no fucking sense at all. If you're on Hogan's side, why bother breaking it up only to instigate it again 30 seconds later? He had the guy at his mercy with a baseball bat. Brass knuckles are an inferior weapon, apart from the fact they are more easily concealed. The match was no DQ, so concealment isn't an issue...so what was the point of the run-in? If the run-in was pointless, what was the point of the entire angle?

It's later revealed that the only reason Bischoff was talking to Flair was to lull him into a false sense of security so that Bischoff could screw him over at the PPV. But he didn't screw him over - all he did was postpone a beating from Hogan by a few seconds. If he hadn't been involved at all, the end result would have been identical. There's weeks of exposition to build heat for when Bischoff interrupts a main event match to do nothing whatsoever. They wasted TV time, FOR NOTHING, for weeks on end when there's a locker room full of talented wrestlers that hardly ever get on TV because they aren't big names.

WHAT THE FUCK

The Band

Eric Young screws Kevin Nash for the Legends title. Kevin Nash says he'd usually get revenge, but he's impressed with Young so he forgives him and joins Young's faction, and the two are stable mates.

Months later, Scott Hall and X-Pac come to TNA. They immediately resume their friendship with Kevin Nash, and start a faction called 'The Band' (Young's 'World Elite' faction disappeared into thin air with no explanation). However, Hall and Pac don't have contracts, so they're not officially in TNA. The three argue, and Hall and Pac attack Nash. Young comes out to rescue his friend from the beating. The feud between Nash/Young & Hall/Pac continues, resulting in a PPV match where if Hall/Pac win, they get contracts.

The match comes around. Hall/Pac beat down Young for several minutes. Young finally gets a tag to Nash. Nash comes in, does his finisher on Young, tags back out again and Hall/Pac pin Young to get the win.

The next show, Nash calls Young down to the ring. He apologises, and offers young a spot in The Band. He tells him the plan all along was to get contracts for Hall/Pac and then build a four man stable with Young. Young refuses, and attacks Nash. This sparks off a feud which culminates in a cage match at Lockdown. Nash defeats Young relatively easily.

3 weeks later, Young rushes to the ring to help Team 3D in a brawl against Nash/Hall. He turns on them, and reveals he has now joined The Band.

This doesn't make any sense. THREE WEEKS AGO, Young was feuding with Nash because he was so vehemently opposed to joining The Band...now he's a member? If Nash just said to Young, before the contracts match, "Hey buddy, this thing with Hall/Pac is just a ruse to get them contracts. So when we get in the ring, one of us just lays down, they get the 1-2-3, they get contracts, and BANG! We're the most bad ass stable in the company", Young would have gone along with it. To have Young get screwed, refuse to accept the apology, fight Nash because he's so angry about it, and then join for no apparent reason is just nonsense.

WHAT THE FUCK

X-Pac

X-Pac no-shows Lockdown. Taz announces it as 'Pac didn't show up...it's just Pac being Pac I guess'.

The following iMPACT, Taz says 'Just to clarify, X-Pac didn't no-show, he couldn't make it and Dixie Carter was aware of the situation'.

The iMPACT after that, Pac gets his skull smashed against the concrete by 3D and is put on the 'injured' list.

This makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Do they really expect us to believe that when a wrestler can't make a show, they call the owner of the company directly? Not any kind of manager, not any of the bookers, they just go straight to Dixie. They don't let their friends know, they don't let their stable mates or tag team partners know, they just call Dixie and that's all they have to do. And Dixie Carter wouldn't bother to mention to anyone - not the event staff, not the commentators, not Hogan, not anyone - that one of the stars of their FUCKING PPV isn't going to be there? She just assumes that it'll sort itself out and there's no need to pass the message on?

WHAT THE FUCK

Abyss

Abyss wears Hogan's ring on his wedding finger.

WHAT THE FUCK

Orlando Jordan

No words necessary - WHAT THE FUCK

The Clown from Outta Town - May 3rd iMPACT

Apparently, I'm 'Gonzo', whatever that means. Anyway, here's iMPACT:

1:36 - First thing you see is two old men talking in a car. FFS. I tuned into wrestling, not Grumpy Old Men. Start with a bang for once. Start with Joe vs Red. Start with Pope vs Wolfe. Start with Jesse Neal + Shannon Moore vs 3D. Anything but blah blah blah old men who don't wrestle.
2:20 - I can't stand the new theme tune. It's a tune WWE would have for their D show.
3:24 - The Summit between Hogan & Sting. No way will Jarrett intervene. That's inconceivable.
3:55 - Hahaha, they're running from Mondays with their tails between their legs.
4:12 - TNA Reaction? Hopefully it'll be just the X-Division + tag teams...
5:29 - New Jay Lethal gimmick :D Hopefully this is the start of the push he deserves.
8:40 - I'm in stitches. Here comes the real Flair...this is either going to get better or much, much worse.
10:44 - Ugh, soap opera drama.
13:29 - And a pointless beatdown. Sigh.
13:55 - And here comes the monster :D
14:11 - Well, that didn't last long...
14:20 - And here's the artillery :D
15:02 - Wait, what? The Monster Abyss - no fear. Team 3D - no fear. RVD (the smallest guy there) - run like frightened bunnies? WTF??
15:24 - So, awesome promo, ruined by an old ex-wrestler talking, followed by disproportionately putting a new, big-name signing over when it would have been better to have established stars do it? Christ, that's a microcosm of the entire fucking company.
15:30 - FUCK OFF I DON'T CARE ABOUT OLD MEN IN CARS
18:45 - Oh god, more brawling. Here's an idea - why not schedule a wrestling match for your wrestling show?
19:24 - So let me get this straight - Hogan was driving AWAY from the iMPACT Zone for 15 minutes, then turned the car around and made it back to the arena in 4 minutes?? What the fuck is this shit?
21:31 - FUCK YEAH DESMOND WOLFE GETS A MATCH! Please be Joe please be Joe please be Joe
21:42 - Oh no, he's just going to be putting RVD over. FFS. At least it's a title shot I guess.
22:03 - Monster's Ball on iMPACT? Nice :)
22:36 - 3 way tag match...also nice :)
23:00 - Ok, they're putting together a decent show - but why the hell did they waste 20+ mins on drama when they could have gone right into it?
24:04 - Did Velvet get new implants? Tits seem bigger than usual.
24:44 - Yay, Douggie :)
26:07 - Yay, Jesse :)
26:33 - Countdown to Morgan commencing...
27:51 - Whoomp there it is
27:56 - HOLY SHIT FLYING FOOTSTOMP he looked like he actually stomped his head
30:21 - Was that Jesse's first pin? Awww, they grow up so fast :3
30:56 - JOE JOE JOE JOE
31:39 - FUCK YEAH MUSCLE BUSTER
32:07 - He's got the mic! TELL 'EM, JOE
32:17 - Best promo ever :D FUCK YEAH JOE
38:00 - As bored as I am of Mr Anderson...the choirboy outfit is hilarious.
46:05 - Oh wow, comedy pants. What an amazing gimmick. Anderson is truly awesome.
46:49 - Knockouts - fast forwarding.
53:15 - Awesomeness incoming.
57:52 - Sigh. Hall & Nash. Good match ruined by old men who haven't been relevant in years. Again.
58:51 - Woo, Eric Young in The Band! Finally, they have someone worth mentioning. I hope he's the leader.
60:11 - The O Zone. I'll check it out this week, but I have a sneaky suspicion this is the future star of fast forwarding.
63:48 - Oh, hopefully it's a one-off.
65:15 - Monsters Ball :D
65:42 - I keep hearing AJ's music and being like - Yay, AJ :D Then I remember the stupid highlights, the ridiculous earrings, and the fact that Flair is never far behind, and I'm like - Oh. Yeah. :(
71:14 - AJ wins fair and square :)
71:58 - Desmond v RVD. Lets go Desmond *clap clap clap clap*
72:39 - I like RVD, but it's starting to annoy me how much TNA *want* me to like him.
76:00 - Disappointing match. Dissapointingly short too.
77:45 - Tenay just hit the nail on the head. WCW was over a decade ago. Which is EXACTLY FUCKING WHY they shouldn't be shortening a potentially amazing match to see two old men talk to each other about something nobody gives a fuck about any more.
79:19 - Everyone's been anticipating this for months? Are you fucking mad? NOBODY CARES, WE WANT WRESTLING
83:39 - DO IT STING
84:12 - This iMPACT was like a bacon, turkey, stuffing and mayonaise sandwich, made with the cheapest brown bread available. The middle was fucking awesome, but the stuff either side of it was substandard. Fire Russo. Fire Bishoff.

TNA ranking system. The results.

I've just had a look at the results for the TNA number one contender's poll. I'm pretty pleased with the results; hopefully TNA management with pay attention.

The results in order:

 Abyss 1.5% (7,672 votes)

 Jeff Jarrett 1.9% (9,535 votes)

AJ Styles 4.9% (24,508 votes)

The Pope 5.6% (27,908 votes)  

 Sting 5.6% (28,092 votes) 

 Rob Terry 6% (29,660 votes)

Mr. Anderson 8.7% (43,125 votes)

Jeff Hardy 31.1% (154,747 votes)  Desmond Wolfe 31.2% (155,116 votes)  

Total Votes: 497,682.

The first thing to say is congratulations to Desmond Wolfe, he deserves a push. Hopefully, this will stop TNA from treating him as a midcard wrestler. Also, I'd love to see how Wolfe and RVD's styles would work together in the ring.  In fact the top three I completely agree with (though is there much point in pushing Hardy with possible jail time looming?).

Secondly, and thank God I'm not the only one feeling this, but Abyssamania really isn't running wild. The fact that Abyss scored the least number of votes goes to show how out of touch Hogan is. It's funny really; TNA is aimed at an older demographic that WWE, but yet they have an angle about a magic ring. Hopefully this will mark an end to Abyss being given far too much air time and get him to do what he does best (i.e. rip off Mick Foley).

Thirdly, I don't get who voted for the big Welsh steroid machine Rob Terry. This really baffles me: he can't wrestle, he looks all weird and out of proportion and he's shit on the mic. Its clear that TNA are trying to give him a Goldberg style dominant freak schtick but it just doesn't wash. I thought the business had done away with roid chompers after Hogan testified about the WWF and steroids... maybe he's not on roids, maybe he just spends a lot of time in the gym, drinking his milk and taking his vitamins, maybe.

Let's hope that Wolfe-a-mania starts running wilde.

The Clown from Outta Town's review of Impact!

I invited an old friend of mine who got me into ECW about a decade ago to submit something to Socko's Review. He came up with a gonzo style review of the latest Impact! Introducing The Clown from Outta Town. Enjoy - Socko

5:07 - Woo, new ranking system. Just what pro wrestling needs - more maths!
6:48 - RVD's entrance music mentions the Van Terminator - when are we gonna see it?
7:50 - Haha, Hulky
15:07 - Oh God, please don't make Hogan vs Flair happen
15:20 - And by 'God', I mean 'TNA Management'.
19:20 - Knockouts - fast forwarding.
28:55 - Flair vs Abyss? Surely this'll be a bloodbath?
29:18 - Shanon Moore. I'm 90% sure Morgan will do a run-in.
33:50 - Whoomp, there it is.
35:00 - Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe
35:51 - FUCK YEAH MUSCLE BUSTER
39:14 - These out of focus monologues are starting to get annoying. And this is only the second one. I'm gonna be raging hard in a week or two.
44:54 - GET RID OF THE FUCKING NEWS TICKER
47:29 - Sting's vanished. Predicting lights out -> baseball bat -> win.
47:57 - Oh no, there he is.
48:32 - Ladder off the stage onto a table? Hardy, you're a madman. Also, the baseball bat has come into play, so I was only half wrong :)
49:00 - And the win. So I was only 1/3 wrong.
49:30 - FUCK OFF WITH THE BLURRY, CRAPPY CAMERA CRAP
50:57 - Sweet eyepatch.
54:49 - Pope is awesome. Anderson...not so much.
59:04 - Anderson is like the irritating kid in school that absolutely nobody likes, who for some reason insists on talking to absoloutely everybody. I wish he'd just go away.
60:15 - X-Pac's bleeding from the head all over the concrete. I have been waiting so long to see that. Thank you TNA!
60:22 - watched that 3 times. Hopefully, it's the last we ever see of him in TNA.
65:32 - Neal Vs Morgan. Feud of the century incoming, hold on to your hats, this is gonna get wild.
67:21 - Get out, Moore. We don't want you screwing up this five star feud with your presence.
67:55 - Woo, Maths! Spill the beans, Eric.
68:44 - Internet fans decide who the top ten wrestlers are. Rick Astley's title shot can't be far off.
70:51 - Flair v Abyss. Please, please, please make it no DQ.
70:55 - FUCKING BLURRY MONOLOGUES AGAIN. Loving the Flair subtitles though :)
74:20 - Am I the only one who finds it disturbing that Abyss wears Hogan's ring on his wedding finger??
75:25 - Wait, Abyss v Flair is the main event? What the shit?
79:17 - Holy christ, Flair's face! What the hell did Abyss hit him with??
80:33 - Flair, those brass knuckles are the wrong way round ffs.
82:25 - I really hope Abyss and Jay Lethal recreate the Megapowers.

- The Clown