The Clown from Outta Town - May 3rd iMPACT

Apparently, I'm 'Gonzo', whatever that means. Anyway, here's iMPACT:

1:36 - First thing you see is two old men talking in a car. FFS. I tuned into wrestling, not Grumpy Old Men. Start with a bang for once. Start with Joe vs Red. Start with Pope vs Wolfe. Start with Jesse Neal + Shannon Moore vs 3D. Anything but blah blah blah old men who don't wrestle.
2:20 - I can't stand the new theme tune. It's a tune WWE would have for their D show.
3:24 - The Summit between Hogan & Sting. No way will Jarrett intervene. That's inconceivable.
3:55 - Hahaha, they're running from Mondays with their tails between their legs.
4:12 - TNA Reaction? Hopefully it'll be just the X-Division + tag teams...
5:29 - New Jay Lethal gimmick :D Hopefully this is the start of the push he deserves.
8:40 - I'm in stitches. Here comes the real Flair...this is either going to get better or much, much worse.
10:44 - Ugh, soap opera drama.
13:29 - And a pointless beatdown. Sigh.
13:55 - And here comes the monster :D
14:11 - Well, that didn't last long...
14:20 - And here's the artillery :D
15:02 - Wait, what? The Monster Abyss - no fear. Team 3D - no fear. RVD (the smallest guy there) - run like frightened bunnies? WTF??
15:24 - So, awesome promo, ruined by an old ex-wrestler talking, followed by disproportionately putting a new, big-name signing over when it would have been better to have established stars do it? Christ, that's a microcosm of the entire fucking company.
15:30 - FUCK OFF I DON'T CARE ABOUT OLD MEN IN CARS
18:45 - Oh god, more brawling. Here's an idea - why not schedule a wrestling match for your wrestling show?
19:24 - So let me get this straight - Hogan was driving AWAY from the iMPACT Zone for 15 minutes, then turned the car around and made it back to the arena in 4 minutes?? What the fuck is this shit?
21:31 - FUCK YEAH DESMOND WOLFE GETS A MATCH! Please be Joe please be Joe please be Joe
21:42 - Oh no, he's just going to be putting RVD over. FFS. At least it's a title shot I guess.
22:03 - Monster's Ball on iMPACT? Nice :)
22:36 - 3 way tag match...also nice :)
23:00 - Ok, they're putting together a decent show - but why the hell did they waste 20+ mins on drama when they could have gone right into it?
24:04 - Did Velvet get new implants? Tits seem bigger than usual.
24:44 - Yay, Douggie :)
26:07 - Yay, Jesse :)
26:33 - Countdown to Morgan commencing...
27:51 - Whoomp there it is
27:56 - HOLY SHIT FLYING FOOTSTOMP he looked like he actually stomped his head
30:21 - Was that Jesse's first pin? Awww, they grow up so fast :3
30:56 - JOE JOE JOE JOE
31:39 - FUCK YEAH MUSCLE BUSTER
32:07 - He's got the mic! TELL 'EM, JOE
32:17 - Best promo ever :D FUCK YEAH JOE
38:00 - As bored as I am of Mr Anderson...the choirboy outfit is hilarious.
46:05 - Oh wow, comedy pants. What an amazing gimmick. Anderson is truly awesome.
46:49 - Knockouts - fast forwarding.
53:15 - Awesomeness incoming.
57:52 - Sigh. Hall & Nash. Good match ruined by old men who haven't been relevant in years. Again.
58:51 - Woo, Eric Young in The Band! Finally, they have someone worth mentioning. I hope he's the leader.
60:11 - The O Zone. I'll check it out this week, but I have a sneaky suspicion this is the future star of fast forwarding.
63:48 - Oh, hopefully it's a one-off.
65:15 - Monsters Ball :D
65:42 - I keep hearing AJ's music and being like - Yay, AJ :D Then I remember the stupid highlights, the ridiculous earrings, and the fact that Flair is never far behind, and I'm like - Oh. Yeah. :(
71:14 - AJ wins fair and square :)
71:58 - Desmond v RVD. Lets go Desmond *clap clap clap clap*
72:39 - I like RVD, but it's starting to annoy me how much TNA *want* me to like him.
76:00 - Disappointing match. Dissapointingly short too.
77:45 - Tenay just hit the nail on the head. WCW was over a decade ago. Which is EXACTLY FUCKING WHY they shouldn't be shortening a potentially amazing match to see two old men talk to each other about something nobody gives a fuck about any more.
79:19 - Everyone's been anticipating this for months? Are you fucking mad? NOBODY CARES, WE WANT WRESTLING
83:39 - DO IT STING
84:12 - This iMPACT was like a bacon, turkey, stuffing and mayonaise sandwich, made with the cheapest brown bread available. The middle was fucking awesome, but the stuff either side of it was substandard. Fire Russo. Fire Bishoff.