TNA - 3/3/11 - predictions

As TNA seem to be building up to an important Impact rather than PPVs, I thought I'd do my predictions for this one. Doing a quick Google search for the card, it looks like its already been taped... I'm not one of these smark fans who needs to read spoilers, so rest assured, I'm as much in the dark about the results as the average Joe. I'll admit that the match line-up is suprising... but not in a good way. Let's do this!

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match:
Beer Money vs. Gunner and Murphy

I can't believe this is a real match. How can a couple of jobbers become contenders? With the matches last summer between Beer Money and the Guns, the tag belts felt like they meant something, doing a match like this is just meaningless. If G and M win I might be done with TNA. Please be Beer Money.


Sarita vs. Velvet Sky

I've noticed that the more Velvet wrestles, the worse she gets... not sure how this is possible, maybe her plastic fun bags are slowly poisoning her brain or somethig. Velvet will win though.

Scott Steiner vs. Rob Terry

Who booked this one? Really, this might be the worst match ever. Scott Steiner is good on the mic, and is good in an enforcer type role, but he's not a great worker anymore... Rob Terroid is still shit. Hope Steiner wins though.

Matt Morgan vs. Hernandez

I thought this feud was resolved months ago? It's not going to be very good and I'm sure Hernandez will win.

TNA World Championship Match:

Jeff Hardy vs. Sting

No need for this match, at all. Sting to win, but it's going to be bad. I'm pretty sure that Sting can hardly move anymore, and Hardy's matches have been as sloppy as a diseased vagina as of late...

On the whole, there is nothing I could give a shit about in this one, and this is what has been building to for a few weeks. This will be the Impact with the wedding that's not really a wedding, and I'm not looking forward to seeing the car-crash that it will be... I predict Karen will get slmmed into the wedding cake.

They 1.0, an overview in 70 simple steps...

Looking back over the last year of TNA, I’ve come to the conclusion that the “They” storyline is one of the worst pieces of storytelling in history. There are more holes than the bible; the timeline makes less sense than if you watched an edited version of Lost where everything occurs in chronological order; and the characters are less consistent than the Tories’ deficit reduction policies (satire).
I’m going to try and outline the storyline as simply as possible and stick to only “they” relevant stuff...

1) Hogan and Bischoff debut on TNA January 4th 2010 as babyfaces.
2) Jarrett was a heel.
3) Jarrett was quickly turned babyface.
4) Eric Bischoff turned heel on Foley and Jarrett.
5) Ric Flair also debuts on TNA as a babyface.
6) Ric Flair turns heel and becomes a mentor for AJ Styles.
7) Scott Hall and Sean Waltman keep sneaking around the Impact Zone.
8) Scott Hall and Sean Waltman want to reform the band with Kevin Nash.
9) Hogan is invited to join the band, but declines.
10) Sting, meanwhile, lurks in the shadows.
11) The Montreal Screwjob is re-enacted by AJ Styles playing Michaels, Kurt Angle playing Hart, Hogan playing McMahon and an aged Earl Hebner as Earl Hebner.
12) The storyline remains unresolved to this day.
13) AJ turns heel.
14) Samoa Joe is kidnapped by ninjas.
15) This storyline remains unresolved to this day.
16) Hogan mentors Abyss.
17) Hogan gives Abyss a magical ring.
18) Abyss gains superpowers.
19) Abyssamania runs wild.
20) Hogan and Flair feud.
21) Nash turned his back on the band and turned babyface.
22) Nash briefly teamed up with Eric Young.
23) Nash turned heel and sided with the band.
24) Eric Young briefly feuds with the band.
25) Eric Young turned heel and sided with the band.
26) Scott Hall gets fired.
27) Sean Waltman gets fired.
28) Nash blamed Hogan and Bischoff for the band’s demise.
29) This storyline remains unresolved to this day.
30) Sting starts talking about deception.
31) Sting attacks Dixie Carter.
32) Sting doesn’t get fired.
33) RVD makes his debut.
34) Hogan puts RVD over as Mr TNA.
35) Mysterious attacks occur around backstage area and an Ace of Spades card is left as a calling card.
36) This storyline remains unresolved to this day.
37) RVD feuds with Sting.
38) This storyline remains unresolved to this day.
39) RVD is handed the World Title on Impact.
40) Jeff Hardy makes his debut by climbing atop of a steel cage.
41) Bischoff introduces TNA rankings.
42) Desmond Wolfe wins the vote.
43) Sting is made number one contender for the title.
44) Desmond Wolfe jobs to RVD and is made to look like a tit.
45) Samoa Joe returns on the tron looking sweaty and scared and tells us that “they” are coming. This is never mentioned again, and neither are the ninjas.
46) Around this time, Hogan and Bischoff plot to take over TNA and put together a secret group ‘The Immortals’
47) Samoa Joe returns, attacks people and gives silent promos.
48) Abyss turns heel and starts talking about “they”.
49) Nash joins Sting and talk about smoke and mirrors.
50) Jeff Jarrett feuds with Sting and Nash.
51) Sting and Nash recruit the Pope.
52) Jarrett recruits Samoa Joe.
53) Samoa Joe starts talking, the ninjas and his silence and his attacks are never mentioned again.
54) Janice makes her debut on Impact.
55) RVD retains. his title against Abyss on The Whole F’ing show with Eric Bischoff as a special guest referee.
56) Abyss mutilates RVD with Janice.
57) RVD returns a few months after making a miraculous recovery on Wolverine/Claire Bennett levels of physical impossibility.
58) TNA bring in EV2.0.
59) Hogan puts EV2.0 over.
60) Flair hates EV2.0.
61) TNA gradually get rid of EV2.0.
62) Abyss kidnaps Dixie and humiliates her.
63) Dixie signs a contract to fire Abyss.
64) RVD is forced to vacate the title.
65) This storyline remains unresolved to this day.
66) The TNA rankings are never spoken of again.
67) It is revealed that Dixie actually signed control of TNA to Hogan et al.
68) At Bound for Glory everyone turns heel.
69) Jeff Hardy becomes World Champion.
70) The next Impact is used to explain their evil plans.

I'm pretty sure I've missed stuff out, but this is a bare-bones plot outline. Hope it makes sense.

Worst Characters Ever: The Shockmaster!

This must get the award for the most retarded character ever conceived in the head of a wrestling booker.

In pre-Nitro WCW, heels Sid Vicious and the tag team Harlem Heat were set to take on Sting, The British Bulldog, and 'a mystery partner'. Just as it seemed that Vicious et al had the upper-hand, Sting introduced their secret weopon... wait for it... the Shockmaster.

Take a fat guy who can't wrestle, put him in some tight jeans, make him wear glittery Storm Trooper helmet and tattered cape and you get... the Shockmaster... grrrrr:



If the Shockmaster wasn't funny enough on his own, his entrance made sure that he would be sucked into void of shite forever.

For many wrestling fans, the Shockmaster is legendary for its absolute rubbishness, and it for that reason I'm sharing it with you today.

Worst Matches Ever! WCW: Chamber of Horrors, Halloween Havoc, 1991

I haven't done one of these for a while, but I just couldn't resist this one. Before Hell in a Cell, before Lethal Lockdown, we had the Chamber of Horrors. The basic idea is that two four-man teams enter the cage and to win the match you have to put one of your opponents in an electric chair which is lowered from the ceiling. This 'Chair of Torture' is activated by a 'Fatal Lever', which gets accidently pushed (nothing happens) and nothing is made of it. The match consisted of Sting's Team Vs Cactus Jack's Team. Sting's Team consisted of Sting, El Gigante, Rick and Scott Steiner. Cactus Jack's Team consisted of Cactus Jack, Abdullah the Butcher, The Diamond Stud, and Big Van Vader.

With caskets, ref cams and a cage with a roof, this match could be seen as quite innovative... unfortunately it was just daft.

I'll let the match do the talking. Enjoy!







What the fuck was El Gigante about?

Review: TNA Slammiversary VIII

After 23 days in the wilderness, I’m back. So let’s not waste time and get to the review of TNA’s Slammiversary VIII. Before watching the PPV I caught up on the Impacts from the past three weeks and was surprised by the low key build-up for many of the matches, oh apart from Hardy/Anderson teaming up and the ‘Why Sting, why?’ angle still being as funny as hell. Why Sting, why?

The first match of the evening was a welcome surprise, but one, which upon reflection, fits in perfectly with Angle starting at the bottom (well, number 11) of the TNA top 10 rankings. TNA and consistent storylines don’t usually happen, so I’m interested to see how this one pans out. Anyway, in the opening match we had Kazarian and Kurt Angle. This is how a PPV or an episode of Impact should open, with a decent match. Of course, the match was so good that it probably made the rest of the show not look as good. The crowd intensity peaked during this match, so the rest of the event was just a little bit quieter (but thank God, throughout the first match one shrill scream could be heard throughout the match, which was most disconcerting, whoever that screaming woman was, would you please shut the fuck up in future?). What made me laugh was when the fans were chanting ‘USA USA USA’; who was that for exactly? Angle, who’s American or Kaz, who also happens to be an American? Give yourselves a pat on the back for that one.

There were some pretty awesome moves during this one, with Kaz having the upperhand early on even getting Angle with the Ulmari driver (that reverse tombstone thing), which with Angle’s neck the way it is, was pretty nasty. Angle beat Kaz with the ankle lock and moved up in the rankings.

Next up was Brian Kendrick versus Doug Williams for the X Division title. This match had been set up with Williams being against the high-flying style of the X-Division. Which is why Kendrick (also a heel, I might add) spent most of the match brawling in the ring with Douglas. Douglas then finished the match with one of the most uncomfortable and least graceful Tornado DDTs I think I’ve ever seen. With Kendrick grounded, the storyline just didn’t make a lot of sense, and with Kendrick avoiding the mic like someone’s offering him a poo to smell the match had little build-up. The only thing I learnt through Impact is that Kendrick is a psycho.... just like Nailz... Instead of Kendrick, they should have had Amazing Red, at least the disparity in styles would have been more pronounced and the crowd would have given a shit. Overall though, not a bad match

Next we had a bit with Eric Bischoff asking ‘Why Sting, why?’ Yawn. He then went on to talk about how great Rob Van Dam is. Yawn. Bischoff makes a great heel, but when he’s a babyface he is completely boring. If TNA need to have Eric Bischoff (which they don’t), then bring back Sleazy E, at least that way he’ll be vaguely entertaining.

Next up was Roxxi versus Madison Rayne for the Knockouts title. I must have been in the mood for self-flagellation because I knew this was going to be a stinker, but watched it anyway to see how bad it would be. The match began with Madison coming to the ring and takes the mic, she starts moaning to Roxxi that she has everything to lost and Roxxi has everything to gain, clearly not realising defending a title is meant to work. The match becomes a title versus career match, and as Roxxi was agreeing, Madion smacked her in the head with the mic and busted he wide open. It looked like a blade job, but it wasn’t. What it confirmed was that Roxxi is actually the daughter of Ric Flair, because no one else bleeds like that. Madison won, but when it comes to it, the Knockouts division is a joke now (they bring in a fat stripper, but ignore Hamada and Sarita, what the fuck?) and when it comes to it Roxxi’s been in about three matches this year, so she hadn’t exactly made waves on TNA. Not quite the stinker I thought it would be, but still a pretty poor match.

Next up was Brother Ray versus Jesse Neal in a Teacher versus Student match. This storyline from the beginning struck me a being weak and made Brother Ray look like a bit of a dick. Anyway, the match began with Brother Ray taking to the mic and apologising for being an arse candle and there were hugs all round. Just in case you forgot, this is a PPV, use the build up to cut promos... for fuck’s sake... but wait! Shock upon shock! It was all a ruse. Brother Ray socked Jesse on the head and threw him about 10 foot to the other side of the ring... much better, can we have some wrestling now please? The match played out like a squash match with Brother Ray beating on Jesse throughout. But then, I think we had the earth-shattering arrival of... Tommy Dreamer? Now don’t get me wrong, Tommy Dreamer was great, but that was over a decade ago. Also, he was retired by Zack Ryder (yes, the Raw jobber who’s still yet to win a match on Raw), which doesn’t exactly make him look like the most dominant of wrestlers. Hopefully his role will be similar to what Shane Douglas’s was back in the early days of TNA, or maybe he’ll bring Taz out of retirement. But honestly, I can’t see where he would fit in an already top-heavy roster. Anyway, with the distraction of Dreamer appearing in the crowd, Jesse took Brother Ray down with a spear for the pin. Pretty mediocre match.

Next up was Hernandez versus Matt Morgan, which was one of the few matches on this PPV I was excited about. The match began with Morgan coming out in his normal clothes, wearing a neck brace and selling a neck injury. He comes to the ring and, because this is a PPV, takes the mic to cut a promo. He handed the ref a doctor’s note which said he could not ‘perform’ (don’t say that, people will find out that wrestling’s fake!). As he walked away from the ring Hernandez arrived and threw him into the ring. Two matches in a row and two attempted swerves... don’t use the same gimmick two matches running. Anyway, the match was pretty evenly matched most of the way through with Hernandez working on Morgan’s neck and then Morgan going to work on Supermex’s shoulder. With months of aggression building up in Hernandez in his bid to get revenge over Morgan, how did the match end? With Supermex getting DQed for throwing the ref, I’m not even kidding. The brawling continued until the referee tried to stand in front of a kick and go smacked in the chest. This match was pretty disappointing and had a pointless ending. Let’s hope that Supermex reforms LAX again.

Next up was an interview with Hulk Hogan who was asking ‘Why Sting, why?’ Complaining that Sting had crossed the line (which is what I thought TNA was all about: their tagline is ‘Cross the Line’ for fuck’s sake, but of course Hogan wouldn’t know that because he’s only in it for his own ego). Hogan then went on to talk about ‘the code of ethics’ wrestlers have and that they shouldn’t destroy other wrestler’s careers. Now I’m not one to split hairs here, but hasn’t Hogan been cited by numerous sources as one of the main reasons for the fall of WCW and why many young wrestlers in WCW did not get a push? Anyway...

Next up was Abyss versus Desmond Wolfe in a Monster’s Ball match. Though you might to know it, Desmond Wolfe is one of the best technical wrestlers in TNA, if not the industry (watch some of his matches with Kurt Angle or Bryan Danielson on YouTube to see what I mean), so what do TNA do with such a gifted talent? They get him to hit Abyss over the head with a kendo stick a few times. These type of matches had their place about 10-15 years ago, but they just piss me off now. Why TNA still insists on these is beyond me. Abyss took some pretty hard shots with bin lids and a kendo stick and gets cut up with a board wrapped in barbed wire. It seemed odd that TNA would couple a hardcore match with a goofy ‘Beauty and the Beast’ style storyline. I’ve got to admit that I nearly pissed myself laughing when Desmond Wolfe pulled a teddy bear, wrapped in barbed wire, out of one of the bins. Hardcore! The match came to a climax and Wolfe wanted his brass knuckles from Chelsea (not realising that the ring was scattered with other potential sources of injury for Abyss). But... Shock upon shock! Chelsea gave the knuckles to Abyss who socked Wolfe and put him in a Black Hole Slam and getting the pin. Chelsea was stood, barbed-wired teddy bear in hand, aww... At this point I was expecting an anthropomorphic teapot to start a chorus with the teddy bear, singing a song about beauty being more than skin-deep or something. This match was just stupid... though I’m looking forward to the Match made in Heaven between Abyss and Chelsea booked for the next PPV... maybe...

Next up was, for me, one of the highlights of the PPV, Jay Lethal versus AJ. I’m really glad to see Lethal getting a push, he’s still got his comedy stuff, but now he’s himself which is great. I thought his entrance theme sucked donkey anus. I know they’ve dropped the Black Machismo gimmick, but they really needn’t have given him some generic rock music. Would have been funnier, even if it was for the short-term, for Lethal to come out to Flair’s theme, or at least a reworking of it, but what do I know?

The match was really good, and saw Lethal and AJ at their best. For some reason though, the crowd was a bit flat, maybe they’d yawned themselves to sleep with the Beauty and the Beast match? Lots of Flair-style chops and figure-four leg locks throughout. AJ even gave a nod to one of the other Horsemen, Arn Anderson, with a pretty nasty looking brain buster on Lethal. Wrestlers should watch this match to learn how to sell. With Lethal working on AJ’s knee we had AJ limping around a bit, then when it looked like AJ was going to suddenly forget about his injury and go up-top, his knee went from under him on the second rope. This is such a small detail, but one which certain wrestlers could learn from *cough* ROB VAN DAM *cough*. Lethal won with the pin... a very good match.

At the end of the match we saw a bit of a dressing down on AJ by Flair, and Kaz came out to calm him down. Flair reminded of the character Pop from League of Gentlemen when he finds out that his son was robbed:



I was hoping at this point in the match that Kaz would start kicking the shit out of AJ, but alas, he took Flair away and we are left with hints of a feud between Kaz and AJ which could be pretty cool.

Next up was the match between Hardy/Anderson, sorry, the Enigmatic Assholes, and Beer Money. Even though they’d spent far too much time hyping this match up on Impact, I had completely forgotten about it by the time it came on. On the whole, this wasn’t a bad match; it was just a bit dull. Beer Money lost, and nobody cared.

Finally, we had the main event Rob van Dam versus Sting. I really wanted to see RVD get beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat, but it wasn’t my night. Unsurprisingly RVD won. Unsurprisingly RVD didn’t sell or display any in-ring psychology. Unsurprisingly, Rob Van Dam did that thing with his arms to get people to chant his initials at every available opportunity. Unsurprisingly, Van Dam did the same spots he was doing over a decade ago. Unsurprisingly, there was a ref bump and a run-in by Jarrett. Unsurprisingly, the match was unsurprising. The amount of times I groaned and tutted during this match made me sound like I was speaking some weird African dialect.

Woooo!!!! Mr TNA won!!!! Woooo!!!! RVD RVD RVD!!!!! Whole fucking show!!!! Woooo!!!!

I’m now officially sick of RVD. He got handed the championship and he’s a boring egomaniac. TNA have always bumped ex-WWE wrestlers to the top of their roster without realising that it is damaging for them in the long-run. TNA are doing the right thing with Jay Lethal, letting him find his feet then putting him over when he was ready. Rob Van Dam is not Mr TNA, at the moment, that would go to AJ, or Lethal, or Kaz, or whoever really. If TNA ever want to compete with WWE on a serious level, they need to put their own home grown talent above the ex-WWEers, otherwise they’ll always be seen as the company that repackages the WWE rejects. One of the reasons that WCW failed was because they didn’t spend enough time building up their own talent. The WWE spends time building characters up. Look at Steve Austin, who was the Ring Master when he came to WWE, or Reverend Batista, or Johnny Nitro, or Rocky Maivia, or Hunter Hirst Helmsley... you get the picture.

Ahh, it’s good to be back at the helm of the good ship Socko...

That Clown from Outta Town: TNA iMPACT, May 20th

Pretty much the only thing I'm interested in going into iMPACT is what the backlash for the Sting match is going to be. As always, I hope they start with wrestling, not talking!

2:03 - FUCK YEAH ANGLE'S BACK!
2:30 - "Let's not waste another minute, let's bring out Eric Bischoff" - Er, what? Those two things are mutually exclusive...also, START WITH FUCKING WRESTLING, NOT FUCKING TALKING!
5:02 - Joe at fucking number 10?! Are you fucking mad? He should be top 5 easily, if not top 3...ffs!
5:07 - Here he comes...Muscle Buster on Bischoff please!
5:37 - ROB FUCKING TERRY IS ABOVE JOE IN THE RANKINGS? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?
6:26 - Wolfe only at 8? This is fucking bullshit. Fuck you, Bischoff.
7:08 - Pope at 7...that's probably about right tbh.
7:47 - Abyss at 6...I can live with that one too.
8:29 - Anderson at 5. With Joe at 10. Bollocks to that.
9:12 - Jeff Hardy at 4. That's too high imo, he's hardly set TNA on fire since showing up.
10:10 - AJ at number 3...probably about right.
10:56 - Kurt Angle at number 2? That's only right if Joe is number 1. Who the fuck is at #1? If it's Sting I won't be amused.
12:26 - It's Sting. What. I hope he does to RVD what he did to Jarrett.
13:27 - I agree with the fans who are chanting "We want recount"
14:07 - Sting vs Hardy. WON'T THAT BE FUN
16:05 - Here comes RVD to save the day...something interesting almost happened on iMPACT, luckily RVD was there to break it up.
16:53 - That was briefly awesome...Bischoff getting battered, Hardy about to get battered. Sting is actually becoming one of my favourite guys on TNA after decades of indifference towards the guy. But Joe still deserves a title match more.
19:00 - Knockouts - fast forwarding.
25:35 - Actually - why is Angle even on the #1 contenders list? He can't have another title match for the rest of the year, according to the stipulations for the last match he had against AJ...
26:22 - Here he comes :D It wasn't the same without Kurt.
27:49 - 'You still are' chant :3
30:22 - Angle to fight the entire top ten, starting at ten...ANGLE vs JOE MOTHERFUCKERS FUCK YEAH
30:57 - "He doesn't want it handed to him...Kurt Angle wants to earn it" - That's why Angle is the greatest wrestler in the word. Unlike the current champion, who is quite happy to have it handed to him.
31:34 - Beer Money vs Jay Lethal & Mystery Partner...glad to see Lethal back in the ring :)
34:24 - Orlando Jordan coming down from the rafters again - I wonder if him and Sting hang out up there?
38:04 - Hahaha DDT on his leg
43:13 - Jesse Neal vs 3D feud could be interesting...I like both teams.
45:03 - I think I'd rather see a handicap match with Lethal vs Beer Money than Lethal & RVD tagging against them. And I say that as a Jay Lethal fan.
47:59 - 8 man X-Division Battle Royale for the #10 contender spot? Could be great, could be shite. Battle Royales are tough to make interesting. I hope Red wins it. Red or Williams. I suspect Kaz will get it though, which would be cool too.
50:05 - Pretty good tag match. Might be my favourite RVD TNA match; he was hardly in it and Lethal is awesome.
52:12 - YES YES FUCK HIM UP STINGER
55:30 - The handover of Chelsea...this ought to be...interesting.
60:45 - Nothing like a good old fashioned bottling :) <3 England! That cut looks nasty...
61:21 - Raeptime for Chelsea
62:01 - The Band :) After seeing a few episodes of Last Call with Scott Hall I actually quite like him now.
62:23 - Haha, Eric goes 'I understand the boos' to the people booing. 'Boos' sounds like 'booze'. And he's standing next to Scott Hall. Well, I thought it was funny anyway.
70:47 - a Band vs 3D vs Ink 3-way feud would be awesome.
71:06 - X Division Battle Royale - fuck em up, Red
71:26 - And Red is first out. Ffs. Go Generation Me!
71:58 - And Max is out. I'm fucking cursed.
72:20 - And Jeremy is out. Go Sabin. Even though Kaz is blatantly going to win.
52:50 - And Sabin's out. The curse continues.
73:45 - Kaz wins. A 2 minute 8 man Battle Royale. 2 fucking minutes. Still, Angle vs Kaz should be fun.
74:35 - Sting vs Hardy. Fuck him up Sting.
79:08 - Sting seems to have turned into Superman - nobody can touch him. He's fucking Hardy up.
82:07 - That ref bump'll be on Botchamania.
83:41 - FUCK THEM BOTH UP STING

Fairly decent iMPACT this week. The Sting angle is building nicely (I still have no idea what it's about), the 3D/Ink feud is heating up, Jay Lethal back in the ring after way too long. No Destructo-Joe though T_T