WWE Elimination Chamber predictions revisited

The Elimination Chamber is one of my favourite gimmick matches, and this PPV did not disappooint. Let's see how I did, I've got a pretty good feeling about this one:

"-- WWE champion The Miz vs. Jerry Lawler for the WWE Title.

Miz. This match will be decent enough, but very old school. I can see Cole helping the Miz get the win (again), thus leading to some kind of Cole/Lawler match at Wrestlemania to rival Mr McMahon vs. Bret Hart at WM 26 for stinker of the decade."

Miz won, but with a clean victory. The match was very good, old school, but very good. Before the match Lawler did an awesome promo which actually made the title seem like it actually meant something for the first time in God knows how long. I'm glad they are giving Miz some clean victories over credible opponents, they've booked Miz pretty badly over the last year, and I think they are only just starting to book him as a champion.

Match rating: ****

"-- Smackdown Elimination Chamber match - World Hvt. Title match: World champion Edge vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Kane vs. Wade Barrett vs. Drew McIntyre. One slot vacated.

So Ziggler's going to come back in and Edge will retain. Simple."

Okay, so Ziggler didn't make a comeback tonight, but Edge did win. I really enjoyed this Elimination Chamber match, I actually think that this was slightly better than the Raw one, the last ten minutes were particularly good.

Match rating: ****1/2


"-- Raw Elimination Chamber match - #1 contender match to WWE Title: John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. C.M. Punk vs. John Morrison vs. Sheamus vs. R-Truth.

It's going to be Cena, though I'd like to see Punk headline WM, that ain't gonna happen any time soon."

This was another great EC match. There were some pretty cool spots in this one, and all the guys (except maybe Orton) worked their asses off and used the cage to do some pretty cool spots, and some stupid ones it must be said. There was one spot where Morrison scaled the cage, right up to the middle of the roof, and then he just kind of dropped down on Sheamus, who had been waiting to catch him for almost a minute. I though that Morrison would have done something a bit more interesting here, and maybe he was meant to. A lot of the stuff was highlight reel material, and when you saw the nasty bruises developing on Punk and Sheamus, you knew that they were putting their bodies on the line in this one.

Match rating: ****

"-- #1 contender Alberto Del Rio vs. IC champion Kofi Kingston.

Is this for the IC belt? Kofi loses pretty much every match he's in, and Del Rio needs to look strong on the run-up to WM, be stupid if Del Rio loses."

Del Rio won, and this was a great opener: fast-paced, quite a few near-falls. Del Rio won with his Cross Arm-breaker, so no suprises there, and the IC title wasn't mentioned once. It would have been cool for Del Rio to have the IC belt on the run-up to WM, but the title means less than the main ones, so I suppose it doesn't matter.

Match rating: ***

"-- WWE Unified tag champions Santino & Kozlov vs. Corre (Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater) for the WWE Tag Titles

PLEASE BE THE CORRE. I hate the Corre, I hate their name, I hate Heath Slater, I hate their gimmick (I think they are meant to be a communist Nexus)... but, if it means Santino and Koslov aren't champs, then I'm all for it... probably won't even watch this one."

The Corre won, and the match was sloppy. I really don't like watch Santino or Koslov in the ring, and I'm not convinced by Heath Slater. Michael Cole's started calling him 'the one-man rock band' - does this mean that he plays guitar, sings, and has a number of percussion instruments attached by strings to different parts of his body when he plays? I think it does.

Match rating: **

Overall, I really enjoyed this PPV. The matches (apart from the tag match) were great, the PPV was let down by stupid segments which should have been on Raw. When Trish Stratus came out and started doing Rock catchphrases only a week after the real Rock had come out and tore the house down with his promo on Raw, it seemed kind of lame... but Christian came back, so at least that's a plus. Booker T on commentary is also awful.

Socko's week in wrestling

As the blog seems to have gone a bit by the wayside recently, I’ve decided to summarise the weeks highlights in my own wrestling experience.

TNA Turning Point.

I thought that this was a very strong PPV which seemed to dip in quality near the end. I really enjoyed the Guns/Dudleys match. The Lethal Robbie match was pretty dull, there was some good spots, but Robbie E’s style is very WWE. Tara versus Mickie James was pretty decent for a Knockouts match, and really showed how much better the style of women’s wrestling is in TNA compared to WWE. The RVD/Dreamer match was an absolute car-wreck and should have been stopped after Dreamer’s wrist was clearly dislocated. Dreamer has this old-school mentality that the show must go on, and ended up doing some crazy shit (like a jumping piledriver and getting crotched with a ladder) with his hand half hanging off. It was nasty to watch. The Fourtune/EV2 had some pretty good moments, but wasn’t a great match, Raven looked an absolute mess and did nothing for the whole match. Sabu ended up getting pinned and then fired as a result. Flair gave a classic Flair promo to Sabu about him hating the Sheik, really funny. The Abyss/Pope match was pointless and dull. The Hardy/Morgan match showed that Morgan is mid-card at best and really can’t perform at the top level. That should have been Joe or Angle in the ring, not Morgan.
As expected the Immortals swept the board at this one, and I’m pretty sure that all of their matches had at least some NWO-style shenanigans.

The Shore.

Though I’m still not convinced by Robbie E’s in-ring ability, The Shore’s gimmick is pretty strong. In a week when TNA had a guest appearance from someone from one of the hottest (albeit shittest) shows in America, WWE had Peewee Herman (wonder if he had a wank in the audience of this one?). As a gimmick, the casting is great, both Becky Bayliss and Robbie E are convincing as annoying Jersey Shore types, and the mini-feud between Cookie and J-Wow from the Jersey Shore show only served to cement that. Though they are annoying, at least TNA are trying to be relevant to a modern audience.

Impact

If you can get past the first half hour of Bischoff et al talking themselves up, this wasn’t a bad Impact. A lot of the matches were screw-job matches or handicap matches which favoured Fourtune (Joe versus Gunner and Murphy had a run-in by Jeff Jarrett.) Stevie Richard versus AJ was surprisingly good, the others matches weren’t bad, they just stunk of NWO.
Putting Jeff Hardy over as a heel is clearly not working, but at least he came out wearing a suit this week (that’s how you know he’s a bad guy).

WWE Raw

I only watch Raw now, I can’t be bothered with Smackdown, and I certainly can’t be bothered with NXT or Superstars. I was in the audience for the last Raw (filmed in Manchester) and my experience of it is a little mixed. It was fun to be there, bu when there were commercials breaks, the matches would literally stop as the wrestlers stood and waited for the programme to air again.
WWE aren’t making anywhere near as much money as they used to and Linda McMahon didn’t win her election, so shouldn’t WWE take stock and sort their shit out? The PG thing clearly isn’t meeting the financial projections and come next Wrestlemania, what is going to be WWE’s draw for the event? Taker is hurting and is in and out of surgery every few months, Shaun Michaels has retired... what are we going to have? Wade Barrett versus Cena?

UFC 121 – Lesnar versus Velasques

I’ve never been arsed about MMA, but I ended up watching the last UFC this week with a mate. One the whole, the fights were pretty dull, but the main event with Lesnar was stunning. Both the fighters were relentless and Lesnar got beat by TKO. I’m still not convinced by UFC, but I really did enjoy that last match.

WCW Nitro – October/November 1996

It’s amazing how quick I can get through an episode of Nitro when I fast forward past the crap. I only watch the Cruiserweight matches and have been intrigued by the NWO stuff. I’ve read all about the NWO stuff before, but thought I needed to watch it for myself, and I have to say that the way it has built up was very well-executed, and I’m sure that, for a while at least, the angle was believable. I’m at the point now where Bischoff has just joined the NWO, and a main event has been signed for Hogan versus Piper. WCW’s main events were shit. Hogan/Macho Man/Lex Luger/The Giant... but the undercard was excellent and I don’t think it has been equalled. The Cruiserweight division had a real international feel to it, and some of the matches were fantastic. Dean Malenko/Ultimo Dragon/Psychosis/Rey Mysterio/Jushin Liger/Chris Jericho/Juventud Guerrera/Eddie Guerrero are just some of the regulars and there is nothing like it today.

Greatest matches ever!: WWE Kurt Angle and Chris Benoi versus Edge and Rey Mysterio

No Mercy, 2002, had some pretty impressive matches. There was Brock Lesnar versus Undertaker in Hell in a Cell, and the match I want to share with you today for the, then new, WWE Tag Team Championship.

If this match proves anything, it is not only that all of these guys are tremendous talents, but also that Benoit's wrestling career is something that should be celebrated rather than brushed under the carpet because of the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death.

Anyways, enjoy!





It's weird to hear Taz not talking about "yam bags" at every opportunity.

Review: WWE Summerslam 2010

Coming into Summerslam, there weren’t really any matches which I was particularly excited about seeing. I was interested to see how the Nexsus angle would pan out during this one, but wasn’t particularly excited about seeing Bret Hart in the ring again. Let’s get to it.

The first match was Kofi Kingston versus Dolph Ziggler for the Intercontinental title. The match wasn’t bad, Kofi and Dolph work pretty well together. We had a Suicide Dive from Kofi straight into the guard rail as Ziggle was pulled out of the way by Vicky Guerrero. Kofi hit a shockingly bad Thesz Press, and did some pretty lame spots. Just as Ziggler got Kofi into a sleeper hold, Nexus ran in and the match was over. With Ziggler making a sharp exit, Kofi was left to receive a beat down from the Nexus. Barrett cut a promo over the squirming Kofi, suggesting that this was just a taste of what’s to come.

Rating: **

After the Divas match was the Big Show versus the Straight Edge Society. This match was pretty lame. Show came out and removed the tape from his hands, thus invalidating the injury angle (this guy must heal incredibly fast – scientists should do some research on him). There were some pretty cool spots in the match, there was a double Bulldog on Show at one point (which was described as a double DDT by Michael Cole – it clearly wasn’t a DDT). Punk makes a hasty retreat which allows Show to Choke Slam Mercury onto Gallows for a clean win.

Rating: *½

After a pretty decent promo by the Miz, we have the match between Randy Orton and Sheamus for the WWE Championship. I don’t know why, but I really can’t stand Randy Orton. There are much better in-ring technicians than he, and much better people on the mic... but anyway, the match wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t memorable by any stretch of the imagination. The story of this match was that Sheamus was working on Orton’s right shoulder. There seemed to be a lot of basic moves which were given new names (such as the Celtic Hammer, which is actually just a double Axe Handle), which seemed kind of pointless to me. There was a bit of a confusing spot where Sheamus (apparently) reversed an RKO, even though it looked as though Orton hit it. After getting the Irish Curse (AKA the Celtic Cross, AKA the High Cross, AKA The Razor’s Edge) for the two count; Sheamus picked up a chair and accidently bumped the ref. The ref then called for a DQ and therefore Sheamus keeps the title. With the stipulation that if Orton lost he would be sent to the back of the queue, we have a technical win on Orton’s part, but he doesn’t get the title (yet, no doubt).

Rating: **½

Next up was the World Heavyweight Championship with heavyweight Rey Mysterio versus Kane (why Kane is still holding the strap I’ll never know). I wasn’t feeling this one, and I don’t think that the crowd were either. Kane came down to the ring with a casket even though it wasn’t a casket match. The commentary for this match was piss poor. Striker at one point noted that Rey Mysterio’s “Luche Libreness” had come into play, he also noted that the crowd was so subdued because of the gravity of this match, hmm. Kane got the clean win with a Chokeslam and after the count did a few more Chokeslams and a Tombstone. Kane then the opened the casket to reveal... The Undertaker. Wow, nobody saw that one coming, right? Kane put Taker in a Chokeslam and made him look very weak... but he has been in a vegetative state, right? So, wow, we’re going to have another fucking feud between Kane and Undertaker... for the love of God...

Rating: *½

And onto the main event: Nexus versus Team WWE. I didn’t have high hopes for this one, but I’ve got to admit that it was excellently done. John Cena came out with his new colour scheme (shit, that means my orange Cena t-shirt is now out of date, we’ll have to buy the new ones). With Miz bragging that he was the final member of Team WWE, it was up to Cena to reveal who it was: Bryan Danielson. I did not see this coming, I said only a few days ago that “I think that the Bryan Danielson thing could be good if they bring him back as a babyface” – it seems that that’s what WWE have done; though it seems that WWE have kept Danielson’s ‘slave name’. There were some great spots throughout this one, Danielson dominated from the off getting Darren Young to tap to a Crossface variation in less than a minute. There were chants for we want Bret, which struck me as a bit odd: what the fuck is Bret Hart going to do? This guy’s hurting, he’s had a stroke and it’s just a bit sad to see him make a tit of himself the way he did a few months back at Wrestlemania. Luckily, Bret didn’t look too bad, he probably looked better than his WCW days in all honesty, but he’s not “the best there is” anymore. When Bret came back in a few minutes later, Michael Cole said something along the lines of “Bret Hart’s had some big Summerslam moments in his career, but if Team WWE can pull this off, this will be the biggest”... Are you fucking kidding me? Is this bigger than Wembley? Don’t fucking patronise me, Cole. Bret was DQed for using a chair, and to be honest, I think this was possibly the best that Bret has been booked since his return. He didn’t take any bumps, he kind of looked cool and he was dominant throughout his slot. Jericho got in an awesome Lionsault in on this one, he was a babyface during this one, and it was great. He even brought out his line of “you are a stupid man, you are stupid man to Cena” – this was comic genius, not sure if it was meant to be, but it gets me every time. Danielson came back in and kick some more ass. The Miz came out and hit Danielson with MitB case which knocked Bryan out for the pin. Finally, we had Cena versus Justin Gabriel and Wade Barrett. Cena did his, ahem, Five Knuckle Shuffle. For those not familiar with British idioms, a Five Knuckle Shuffle is the same a wank (masturbation, taking your cock in your hand and pumping it until happy milk pops out of the little guy). Blah blah. Cena ended up getting the STF on Barrett who tapped out (remember that contrary to MMA, tapping out is the worst/most humiliating thing a person can do when one of their limbs is about to be snapped off). Against all the odds, Cena got the win and everyone was happy. “We win, we win” Striker was saying. Lovely stuff.

Rating: ****

On the whole, this was a very well-booked PPV. A few of the matches were pretty shit, but the last match made up for it. There were some surprises (some more expected than others), but most importantly they’ve got Danielson back (hopefully he’ll be jobbing ob Raw this time next week). Necause of the win, Nexus is pretty much done. It would have worked better had they made Cena tap, but hey, it's all soap opera...

Overall: ***

Review: WWE Money in the Bank PPV, 18th July

The WWE has decided that all of its non-‘big four’ PPVs should now be named after lame gimmicks, it would seem. We’ve had TLC, Elimination Chamber, Extreme Rules, Fatal Four Way and now we have Money in the Bank.

The Money in the Bank gimmick came in to WWE in about 2005 (I’m sure someone will correct me on this), and has done no end of damage to the integrity of the championship titles. Indeed, not only did the WWE decide to have two championship belts, they also decided that any mid-carder who needs a quick push can win the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania. What has made the Money in the Bank gimmick so interesting in the past, however, is that it brings together the wrestlers from Raw and Smackdown, and allows the winner to cash in on either brand (as Jack Swagger did with his move over to Smackdown). With two (yes two) MiB matches (one for each brand) the value of the gimmick and the value of the belts has been further diluted.

At the beginning of MiB, we were shown one of the most dangerous things in professional wrestling. No, I’m not talking about Hell in a Cell or the Elimination Chamber, and I’m not talking about barbed wire ropes or exploding turn buckles: I’m referring, of course, to the Spanish announce table. I think I’ve said before that WWE has lost any sense of subtlety in its storytelling and in its matches, if I haven’t, I’ve certainly thought it. It’s almost as if WWE management went: “Right, we need to do a spot where someone goes through the Spanish announce table,” the board members look on blankly, another one chirps up: “I’m not sure our demographic know what a Spanish announce table is, and I’m not sure they could picture such a thing.” And so they show, for those fans who can’t picture what an announce table looks like with people commentating in Spanish rather than English.

First up was the Smackdown MiB match. We had Dolph Ziggler, Christian, Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston, Kane, The Big Show, Matt Hardy and Drew McIntyre in what was actually a well-booked match... until the end that is. Unlike most recent WWE PPVs, the crowd were really into this one, and the crowd were hot for this match in particular. The match started with most of the guys beating on Show, even though when he tried to climb a ladder it broke. Christian and Hardy did some great stuff on top the ladders, reminiscent of some of their matches back in their tag team days. Kofi did a really cool Leg Drop from the top of ladder, onto Drew McIntyre who was spread out on... the Spanish announce table, woo! With Show unable to climb a regular ladder, he went under the ring to pull out a big ladder made of ‘reinforced steel’ – this thing looked heavy, this thing looked so heavy in fact that Show could hardly lift it into the ring, if you missed it I’m sure it will be on the next Botchamania. Indeed, the Big Show’s frustration was clearly evidenced when the words ‘fuck me’ left his lips. Naughty Big Show, that’s not very PG now, is it? Then came what was probably the highlight of the match for me, Show got thrown out of the ring and the rest of the wrestlers came over and buried him in a pile of ladders. I’m not sure if it was meant to be funny, but I was pissing myself. It reminded me of that ECW thing were the crowd were throwing the chairs. Awesome. Then came the ending... Kane won. Fucking Kane. Easily the worst guy possible to win this won. What the fuck?

Next up was the Divas. Don’t care. Enough time to put the kettle on.

The next match was the Hart Dynasty versus the Uzos for the tag titles. To be honest, I’m not sold on either team in this one and really didn’t care what the result was, it seemed the crowd agreed with this sentiment. The match ended with Davey Hart Smith doing the Sharpshooter (why not a Bulldog?) for the win. Pretty dull match, but luckily it was only 6 minutes long.

Next up was Rey Mysterio versus Kurt Angle for the World Heavyweight Title. Hang on, Kurt Angle? Lets work this out carefully: Amateur style ring attire? Check. Ankle Lock? Check. All-American gimmick? Check. That sounds like Kurt Angle to me! But wait, it’s Jack Swagger, not Kurt Angle... my mistake. Anyway, this match was pretty decent. Rey was selling an injured ankle throughout the match, which made him change his style. There were some pretty cool spots in the one like Rey getting Swagger with the Lou Thez Press of the top rope and Rey countering a superplex into a DDT for a near fall. The match culminated in Angle, sorry, Swagger getting Mysterio into an Ankle Lock. After squirming for a few moments, Rey shimmied out of his boot and took Swagger down with a Hurricianrama for the pin. This was not the end for Swagger though, he went back to work on Rey’s ankle, and Kane ran in for the save and chased Swagger to the locker-room. With Mysterio still reeling in the ring, who should return the ring but Kane, MiB briefcase in hand and cashed it in. Kane quickly worked on Rey’s ankle, put him in a Tombstone and got the pin. For fuck’s sake. That’s right, Kane, yes Kane, is now the World Heavyweight Champion. I predict, hmm, Undertaker getting the title, hmm, at Summerslam, hmm, 12 year old feud gets reignited, hmm, fans don’t care. I would care if they brought back Paul Bearer to fuck around with the Undertakers head a bit though. So let’s get this straight: rather than using this opportunity to get a young guy over, they use it to reignite a feud which has been done, four, maybe five times before, which doesn’t even need a title to establish a match... for fuck’s sake.

Another Divas match, but this time I made the mistake of watching it. Oh dear, this was bad. This was Rob Terry doing Lucha Libre bad. This was Warrior verus Hercules bad. Kelly Kelly versus Layla could go down in history as the worst thing to ever appear on a PPV. Now don’t get me wrong, Layla is hot, but God damn it, this is a wrestling show. If I wanted to watch hot girls wrestle I’d... anyway...

Next up was the Raw MiB match with Randy Orton, Miz, Mark Henry, John Morrison, Jericho, Ted Dibiase, Edge and Evan Bourne. This was actually an excellent match, and the ending was so much better than the Smackdown MiB match. There were some really good spots during this match, probably too many to go into. There was one where two guys were each on a ladder and Mark Henry came in between them and sent them flying. The commentator said something dumb along the lines of “It’s Hercules parting the Red Sea!” Because Hercules and Moses are the same, you fucking moron. Everyone seemed to get in their signature moves and Morrison did some great acrobatics between ladders before getting socked by the Miz and Edge. The worst bit of the match came when DiBiase’s lady Virgil, Maryse came in to try and grab the case for DiBiase. Morrison then fireman’s lifted her away. The ending came with a battle on the ladder between Orton and Miz with Miz unhooking the case and giving a pretty decent promo afterwards. I really wanted Miz to win this, the MiB suits an up and coming heel, but I want Miz to be the first person to cash in his case and not get the belt.

Finally, the main event was Cena versus Seamus in a cage match for the WWE title. This match had some really dumb moments. There was one where Seamus put Cena into a Sleeper Hold, with his last few breaths, Cena started Hulking up, brother. With the Sleeper Hold still tightly in place, Cena started to climb out of the cage with Seamus on his back. For fuck’s sake. Like a lot of cage matches, this one also had a number of opportunities when either competitor could get a clean win and simply escape the cage, but would rather do some spots instead. For fuck’s sake. The match went on, both did their finishers and then the NXTWo came in, bolt cutters in hand, no doubt to break into the cage and mess up the match. A little old referee came over to try and stop them and snatched the bolt cutters and made a hasty exit. Remember that this group had beaten up most of the roster, had beaten up management and had beat up legends, but it was a little referee who got the better of them. For fuck’s sake. The NXTWo then demanded that a referee gave them the key to the cage. Obviously having watched the Angle versus Anderson cage match on TNA, the ref threw the key into the crowd, and again a little ref got the better of the NXTWo. The climax to the match came when the ref in the ring got bumped and Cena got Seamus to tap out to the STF. With the ref out, Cena attempted to climb out, but Justin Gabriel of the NXTWo climbed the outside and started fighting with Cena. Meanwhile, that sneaky Irish heel managed to climb out and get the win. Seamus then legged it into the crowd.

Overall, this was a pretty good PPV. Both of the MiB matches were very good, the Swagger versus Mysterio match was also pretty decent, the Divas match I saw was bad as they come, and the main event was also pretty good. This is probably the best PPV WWE have put on this year.

Ratings:

Smackdown MiB:
***1/2

Harts versus Uzos
*

Mysterio versus Swagger
***

Kelly Kelly versus Layla
Minus *****

Raw MiB
****

Cena versus Seamus
***

PPV Rating:
***1/2

Review: WWE Fatal Four-Way

With one of the worst titled pay per views I think I’ve ever heard, Fatal Four Way could easily be mistaken for the name of a gay porn film. This was an odd pay per view, the crowd throughout was flat and the matches were pretty mediocre.

The first match was Kofi Kingston versus Drew McIntyre for the Intercontinental title. This match was give far too much time, it was 17 minutes long, but felt like longer. Before the match began McIntyre called Teddy Long out to, erm, sit on a chair and watch the match so he would be there to present the title when McIntyre won. There were some pretty decent spots throughout the match, but nothing mind-blowing. The match culminated in a ref bump, with McIntyre in a position for a clean win. I learnt something watching this match which I did not realise previously: if you are a general manager, you have no referring privileges. However, if a referee shirt is forced on you, then suddenly you do. I hate to say it, but what the fuck? So with Kofi pinned, Long went in for the dramatic count... one... two... and he stopped, he just couldn’t tap three. Matt Hardy then did a run-in a knocked McIntyre down with a Twist of Fate to allow Kofi to get the win and retain the title. It seems odd though that a babyface would need the combination of a ref bump, a corrupt pin-count and a run-in to get the win... hmm...

Next up was a Divas match, fast forward...

Then we had a match between Evan Bourne and Chris Jericho, which for me was the match of the night. I’m pretty sure that over the last few weeks on Raw there wasn’t any mention or build up to this match whatsoever. When it comes to the WWE wrestlers, there aren’t that many who I particularly rate, but I think Evan Bourne is awesome in the ring and has a lot of potential. The match was as expected from these two, with Bourne doing a lot of high-flying moves and Jericho keeping him grounded for moves like the Boston Crab, erm, sorry, Walls of Jericho. Bourne pulled of his Air Bourne (geddit?) move, which is a 520 degree summersault to a splash, which Jericho countered with the Code Breaker (that looked pretty cool). The match was won when Bourne did his Air Bourne onto Jericho’s back for the pin. I’m hoping that this victory marks the start of a push for Bourne, who has spent most of WWE career on low-mid card slots. This was also one of the few matches of the night where the crowd actually reacted to what was going on in the ring.

Next up was the four-way match-up between CM Punk, Big Show, Rey Mysterio and Jack Swagger. This wasn’t a great match, but I was surprised by the result. With the push that Big Show had been getting of late, this seemed to be the obvious winner... I was wrong. The match was a pretty run-of-the-mill four-way match with most of wrestlers attempting stop each other getting the pin. The only cool move in this one was a three way suplex between Swagger, Punk and Big Show. Swagger looked out of his depth in this match though, falling down before getting hit, missing timings, etc. The match was interrupted by Kane, who brought out a coffin for some reason and tried to put Punk in it, but was stopped by Luke Gallows... which was odd, especially as nothing further came of it, all it did was keep Punk out of the ring for the finale. To end the match Mysterio got the 619 and a splash on Swagger to get the pin. I didn’t expect this, so even though it was a piss-poor match, at least I was surprised by the result.

Up next was the Miz versus R Truth for the American title. Miz came out and did a rap over Truth’s theme, which was hilarious, not because the lyrics were funny, but because Miz blatantly forgot his lines and just stood staring at the camera blankly for what seemed like an eternity before doing his ‘I’m awesome’ line... which of course, he isn’t. This match was a stinker, and the crowd we chanting ‘this is boring’...ouch! R Truth reminds me of the Ultimate Warrior, he’s got a great entrance, but once the wrestling starts people realise he’s not so great. The match was about 15 minutes long, and Miz and Truth had no chemistry in the ring, this was horrible to watch. Miz retained his title and no one cared.



Throughout the night, we had promos about the NXT guys maybe coming in and the WWE stars being ready for them, so as the final match arrived (a four way between Cena, Sheamus, Edge and Orton) you kind of knew what was coming. Again this match sucked. The NXT people came out and did exactly what they did when this angle first started and beat on Cena. I know I’ve not written anything about this angle, mainly because I wanted to see how it played out after the Danielson sacking, but when it first happened it was exciting and it was Danielson that made it with spitting in Cena’s face... but alas! The angle quickly became boring. But with all the chaos and the fact that the match was no-DQ, Sheamus jumped in a got the pin so he’s now the champion. What became apparent is that the WWE writers haven’t got a fucking clue how to develop this angle with the NXT guys, which is a shame, because it had so much promise. Just because the WWE has watered-down the violence, do they really need to do the same thing with story lines? Grrr... I’m finding WWE incredibly tedious to watch at the moment.

So with the PPV running ½ hour short of the usual, and with the bad bad matches and lame storytelling, you can’t help but feel a little short-changed. In the UK, we get most of the WWE PPVs except the big four on Sky Sports, so I feel really sorry for the American fans who’ve had to fork out for this inferior bullshit. This could well be the worst PPV I’ve seen from WWE.

Review: WWE Smackdown, 14th May

This week’s Smackdown opened with a title match for the Intercontinental Championship. If evidence were ever needed that this was a mid-belt and a mid-card show, the fact that a title shot was the first match only seems to support this. The match wasn’t bad, the momentum kept slipping, but by the end of the match it was starting to look up. With some pretty mediocre high-flying cross-body moves from both guys, the match ended with a win by pin-fall, with Kofi Kingston winning. I think the thing that surprised me the most about this match was the fact that it actually lasted for 10 minutes. I can’t remember the last time I watched an episode of Smackdown where the first fifteen minutes of the show weren’t taken up by some half-arsed in-ring promo. This is good, it’s like watching wrestling again!

In a shocking, sorry, predictable turn of events, Kingston’s celebration was cut short. Who should arrive at the ring but the ‘fired’ Drew McIntyre? I know that the McIntyre getting fire is just an angle, but why did the WWE play his entrance music? This might sound obvious, but surely if you want to give the impression that someone really has been fired and has turned up to the ring unannounced, it would make sense for the sound guys not to have the fired star’s entrance theme cued. Anyway, judging by the way McIntyre was dress, a more suitable entrance theme would have been Saturday Night Fever by the Bee Gees; a medallion and some chest hair would have finished the look beautifully.

We all know that one of the most dramatic things to watch on screen is someone standing there reading something that we are not privy to, right? McIntyre handed Teddy Long a note, which I assumed was a note from McIntyre’s mother excusing him from wrestling because he is going to a disco-themed murder mystery for his her birthday. And, alas! Kofi is stripped of his title. Hahahaha! Now this is wrestling! Like a bad boy who’s had his bottom smacked, Long hands the title back to McIntyre. Hahahaha! With chants of ‘you suck’ and more boos than outside of a paedophile’s trial, Drew left with his title (the title he won and didn’t lose, boooooo – the fans on Smackdown are ‘children and ideots’). I must be a master of predicting the complexities of the Smackdown story arcs, as last week I said: “Of course, there is not a possible chance in the world that Vince McMahonn will come out next week and overturn T-Lo's ruling, is there?” I am a genius.



Next we have a small promo of World Heavyweight Champion of the world, the All-American American American, Jack Swagger overseeing some guys unloading a truck... this is wrestling.

Next up was a match between Shad Gaspard, a guy with possibly the worst name in wrestling, against Jesse Guyver. As a teenager I used to be a big fan of the anime cartoon The Guyver and was hoping that the jobber would suddenly ‘bio-boost’ and become super-powerful because of some alien bio-armour... but as the guy was already in the ring and didn’t get an entrance theme, the word jobber came to mind and my desire for some manga style battle soon came crashing back down to reality. This was basically a squash match to make Shad look dominant – it was over quite quickly and there were no surprises.

Next up we had a match which saw MVP and JTG combine their initials in a tag match against a tag team with one of the worst names in WWE history: The Dude Busters. There might be a chance that WWE is starting to push its tag team division again, let’s see how this pans out. This was actually a pretty decent match, but the result was pretty obvious (MVPJTG won).

After a short promo with Punk forgiving Gallows and Sarina for having their minds poisoned by Mysterio, the show cuts to show a bunch of trophies being set up by the ring. You know what’s coming, right? Jack Bragger... Dull, dull, dull. I can’t wait for Big Show to win the title so we don’t have to listen to this bullshit, week in, week out. Who should come in and interrupt Swagger’s little monologue? Why, of course, it’s the Big Show and he’s breaking stuff.

After some Divas stuff, Kane comes out. I was bored of Kane over a decade ago and he’s still boring. Joining him in the ring was Chavvo Guerrero. In Kane’s usual fashion, we won by utilising the Undertaker’s move-set. Dull, dull, dull.

In the main event we see Punk go against Mysterio, again. The match was run of the mill and ended with a run-in by the Straight Edge Society – including that mysterious hooded member. Over the Limit looks to be a pretty dull PPV. Punk really needs to get some more interesting angles.

Review: WWE Smackdown, May 7th, 2010

At the start of Smackdown, Jeff Hardy came out looking like he'd put on a few pounds, especially around his face, maybe he's bloated through the drugs or maybe he just couldn't stop when the Pringles popped. Oh wait, that's Matt isn't it? Jeff's fat older brother, that makes sense. So Matt Hardy's out and he is cutting a promo about Drew McIntyre, and how Drew McIntyre was really mean to him. This is where the drama begins to unfold: Drew McIntyre enters, with a, wait for it, real life microphone. Just in case you didn't know that McIntyre is the heel, the bad guy, the one we're meant to boo, he's wearing a suit. That's how you know that a wrestler is a heel: he will come out wearing a suit. They talk for a while, threats are made, the story arcs are set up and then Drew makes his way to the ring. 8 minutes into Smackdown we see our first bit of in-ring action, it's more of a beat down than a match, but it sure is moving along quicker than last week's episode of Raw. The drama continues to unfold as Fat Matt and McIntyre are joined in the ring by officials trying to pull them apart. Old Drew is relentless, and with the blurry and shaky camera work, you can almost see him hit fat Matt. As the officials pull Drew away, who should make an entrance but Smackdown general manager Teddy Long. Instead of setting up a match between Hardy and McIntyre, Teddy lays down the law: he suspends McIntyre. Holy shit! Now the drama really is begining to unfurl. As you can imagine, Drew McIntyre is the not the king of guy to take this lightly, on the contrary, he takes it, erm, heavily and runs back to fat Matt to give him another beating. Now this was the final straw for Mr Long who declared the Drew McIntyre was to be stripped of his Intercontinental title. Holy shit! The drama is really unravelling now. Something like that will really put McIntyre in his place. Something like that will stop McIntyre wanting to beat on fat Matt. Wrong! McIntyre takes the stripping of his title heavier than the fat around fat Matt's fat neck. Like an autisic child, McIntyre doesn't make the link between cause and effect, doesn't make the link between action and consiquence; this guy's never even heard of Newton. So he goes again and beats on fat Matt. What else has the guy got to lose? He may as well get a few punches in before they drag his ass out of the building. Mistake. Teddy Long really lays the law down now and fires Drew McIntyre! Holy shit, now the drama has just gone mental in a dustbin, this is just nuts. Of course, there is not a possible chance in the world that Vince McMahonn will come out next week and overturn T-Lo's ruling, is there?



So, 15 minutes in we have our first match, a pretty uneventful affair between MVP and Luke Gallows, yawn. As I thought, this match was a set up for Rey Mysterio and CM Punk to have a microphone wrestle. The feud between Rey Mysterio and CM Punk has been going on since the road to Wrestlemania and they are still dragging this one out after 3 months. Let's recap: at Wrestlemania, if Mysterio lost he would have to join the Straight Edge Society; at Exteme Rules, if Punk lost he would have to have his hair shaved. How do you raise the stakes for Punk and Mysterio's rubber match at Over the Limit? What crazy stipulations will be pulled out of the bag for this one? Holy shit! If Mysterio lose he has to join the Straight Edge Society, if Punk loses he has to have his head shaved. With the stipulations combined, the WWE Universe are assured that this match will be as good as, or better than, the two previous matches. With a big chunk already cut out of Punk's hair, it's obvious that Mysterio will win. Okay, I know I said before that it was against the laws of physics and logic for Mysterio to lose against Punk, only to lose against Punk at Extreme Rules, but I'm a humble man, I can admit when I was wrong. But, when things are at stake for Mysterio, he has to win, he just has to.



With McIntyre out of the picture, what now for the Intercontinental title? Well, let me tell you. Mr Long sets up a tournament of the top four contenders to get the belt. This got me thinking, if Hardy and McIntyre hadn't had a fight and McIntyre hadn't been suspended, then stripped of his title, then fired, then this week's Smackdown would be coming to its main event at this point, making it a very short Smackdown indeed, it's almost as if this shit is planned or scripted, but that can't be, right?

Match one in the IC tournament was between Kofi Kingston and Dolph Zigler. When I saw Smackdown live a few months ago, one of best chants of the night was for Dolph Ziggler "he's Jeff Jarrett" *clap clap clap clap clap*. Again, we have another mediocre match, with Kofi Kingston moving on to the IC final next week.

Match two saw Cody Rhodes taking on Christian. This wasn't a bad match, a lot of energy and some pretty decent moves. Christian went on to win, and I predict will win the IC belt then have to defend it at over the limit against McIntyre.

The final match of the evening was Jack Swagger versus Kane in a non-title bout. Kane in a main event? Kane? Maybe over a decade ago, but I thought that Kane's role was to take out jobbers to fill in some time between the proper matches. Swagger entered the ring and began telling us more of his achievements. What a great guy, he's so smart and athletic. Oh wait, he's a heel, "boooooo". The match begins and who should join the announcers but Big Show. There's no way he's going to sit at the side of the ring is he? The match lasts for a little over 5 minutes and Swagger is DQed for not releasing a hold in time. At the end of the match the Big Show enters the ring and beats down on Swagger. The Big Show, in an act of defiance, takes the world title and holds it aloft as if he were the champion. Does Teddy Long come out and suspend the Big Show? He doesn't? I'm beginning to sense some anti-British rhetoric going on here.





In summary: I really don't know why I still bother watching Smackdown.

WWE Extreme Rules 2010

With irs somewhat misleading title, Extreme Rules was anything but extreme. Maybe its because i've been watching Mick Foley's Greatest Hits and Misses, but watching Extreme Rules reminded me how tame WWE has got over the past few years.
The event opened with what was meant to be Sheamus versus Triple H in a street fight. Triple H was attacked from behind on the way to the ring, then an injured Triple H was sent to the trainers office to receive medical attention. Initially I thought that WWE didn't really have time/want to do the match, but when you have an announcer talking about the grave condition of the wrestler, you know that against all odds, the match will happen later on... and it did, and it sucked. Triple H storming out of the medical ofice was about as unexpected as R-Truth asking the crowd 'Wassup?'. The match was flat and Sheamus won.
So with the match between Sheamus and Triple H being postponed, Show Miz entered to cut a promo about being the greatest tag-team. Teddy Long came out put them in a gauntlet match against three other tag teams for a title shot. By this point we were over 10 minutes into the PPV and still hadn't seen any in-ring wrestling. It felt more like an expisode of Smackdown than a PPV, poor show.
So first we have R Truth and John Morrison. I really can't stand either of these two, so I was glad to see them get their asses kicked (although they did lose due to a DQ rather than a pin). R Truth annoys me for a number of reasons, apart from being a recycled Booker T, his rap is just rubbish and he always gets a cheap pop of the crowd. I know I've already mentioned Mick Foley, but remember when he was the commissioner on Raw and he always used to get a cheap pop by mentioning the place name and sticking his thumb up, knowing full well that it was an ironic cheap pop. R Truth does the same thing, but doesn't get the joke. John Morrison is just a pretty boy pouty prick, he's not bad in the ring, but he's not great. He looks like Val Kilmer when he played Jim Morrison and dresses like a bad Ric Flair parody.
Next up was the most boring fat fuck of a wrestler Mark Henry accompanied by MVP. I seem to remember that MVP was pretty good a few years ago, but Mark Henry has never been good, he's fet and he shouldn't wear that tight disgusting leotard. They were quickly beaten.
Next we have the Hart Dynasty. I always think it's a bit sad when you see the kids of wrestlers becoming wrestlers; it's like they've allowed a choice that their father/grandfather made before they were born to determine the path of their own lives. This being said, they're pretty good in the ring and they are obviously set to be the next tag team champions (something was probably written into Bret Hart's contract to give them a push). They obviously won. The one thing that disturbs me about the Hart Dynasty is Reinhart's daughter. She looks like she has been transported from the late 80s with her big hair and camel toe leggings. There's being nostalgic and just being dated.
Throughout the three matches, the commentary was really stilted and arkward. I remember when Jerry Lawler was a great commentator, what happened with that?
Next we had the Punk/Mysterio hair cut match. Again this match was nothing special. Punk was set up for a few 619s, most of which didn't connect - like all of their other matches. The only interesting part of the match was when a hooded figure appeared from beneath the ring to take out Mysterio. Contrary to the laws of logic and physics, CM Punk actually won the match, which actually suprised me. Punk's the best heel that WWE has had for a long time, and when he say smuggly in the barber shop chair at the the end of the match, that was pretty cool.
The next match was Swagger versus Orton. This match was, on the whole, pretty entertaining. Although Orton ruined a Shakira video for me, he's got great ring psychology (there's bit in the She Wolf video where Shakira does that weird shoulder thing that Orton does, didn't really want to be reminded of that while enjoying Shakira).
For a no DQ match, most of the match was pretty standard in-ring grappling. The highlight was when Orton stomped on Swagger's head; it almost looked like he really him as well! Orton then sets up a chair in the ring to RKO Swagger though it, Swagger counters and Powerbombs Orton to win. I was hoping the Orton would win because he's feuded with pretty much everyone on Raw, would have been good to see him move to Smackdown.
The main event was for the WWE Championship, a Last Man Standing match between Cena and Batista. The match, again, wasn't great, but did have some pretty good moments: Cena using the Attitude Adjustment to put Batista through the announce table; Batista using a Spine Buster on Cena to put him through a table; Batista trying to tap out of the STF and then passing out... only to get up at 9. The highlight was at the end of the match when Cena taped Batistas legs around a ring post so he couldn't get up. This was an innovative and smart way to end the match and was the high point of a pretty mediocre PPV without any real upsets or title changes (think the Divas title might have changed, but I was making some food when the match was on).

WWE Raw, 19th April 2010.

Considering most of the Raw roster were stuck in Ireland because of a naughty volcano spewing smoke all over Europe and making people's cars slightly dusty, it was an excellent show. WWE pulled out all the stops and dragging in most of the Smackdown roster to make me excited about the prospect of the draft.
It opened with Mr Helmsley coming out to the ring and talking to the crowd only to be interrupted by CM Punk and SxE. Hunter and Punk microphone wrestled for quite a while and they were both on top form, with Triple H coming out with some classic lines. Punk made the mistake of trying to convert HHH to the Straight Edge Society without success. As Gallows and Sarena held the Celebral Assassin onto a steel chair, Punk advanced, hair clippers in hand. But wait, look! It's Rey Mysterio and he's not too happy and quickly grabs the clippers taking a chunk of Punk's hair with him - and boy was it a big chunk.
I'm sure I'll eat my words in a few weeks, but here's my prediction: Punk gets drawn to Raw and feuds with HH, the feud will be much better than the recent one with Mysterio and much better than Triple H's feud with the pale guy no-one gives a crap about. As I've said before, the laws of nature will not allow Rey Mysterio to lose against Punk, so Punk's going to be coming to Raw with a new haircut.
Anyway, the rest of the show was pretty decent. Matt Hardy and Drew MacIntire sucked as usual and the generic Russian character Boris somthing went into a match against... the guest host.
What I can make of the guest host 'MacGruber' is that he needs to sit in plagiarist's corner and stop trying to regurgitate songs from Team America and jokes from Anchor Man - the unoriginal prick.
With the jobbers out of the way (I don't care if Drew's got a title, he's still a jobber), it's time to focus on what I think was the main event of the evening (the actual main even was a six-man-tag with Punk on one side and Mysterio on the other, no awards for guessing which side won). The match in question was Jack Swagger vs The Undertaker; in the ring against 'taker, the all-American American looked like a main-eventer - he looked like a champion for the first time. The match wasn't exactly a classic, but it ranks up there as one of the finest non-PPV matches so far this year. Undertaker obviously won, but Swagger looked like a fighting champion, and that's what's important.
So, bring on the draft. I'd love to see Punk and the Undertaker on Raw and Orton on Smackdown - I'd also like to see WWE ununify (is that a word?) the tag-team belts and get a stronger tag-team division going.

Extreme rules this Sunday, bang bang!