They 1.0, an overview in 70 simple steps...

Looking back over the last year of TNA, I’ve come to the conclusion that the “They” storyline is one of the worst pieces of storytelling in history. There are more holes than the bible; the timeline makes less sense than if you watched an edited version of Lost where everything occurs in chronological order; and the characters are less consistent than the Tories’ deficit reduction policies (satire).
I’m going to try and outline the storyline as simply as possible and stick to only “they” relevant stuff...

1) Hogan and Bischoff debut on TNA January 4th 2010 as babyfaces.
2) Jarrett was a heel.
3) Jarrett was quickly turned babyface.
4) Eric Bischoff turned heel on Foley and Jarrett.
5) Ric Flair also debuts on TNA as a babyface.
6) Ric Flair turns heel and becomes a mentor for AJ Styles.
7) Scott Hall and Sean Waltman keep sneaking around the Impact Zone.
8) Scott Hall and Sean Waltman want to reform the band with Kevin Nash.
9) Hogan is invited to join the band, but declines.
10) Sting, meanwhile, lurks in the shadows.
11) The Montreal Screwjob is re-enacted by AJ Styles playing Michaels, Kurt Angle playing Hart, Hogan playing McMahon and an aged Earl Hebner as Earl Hebner.
12) The storyline remains unresolved to this day.
13) AJ turns heel.
14) Samoa Joe is kidnapped by ninjas.
15) This storyline remains unresolved to this day.
16) Hogan mentors Abyss.
17) Hogan gives Abyss a magical ring.
18) Abyss gains superpowers.
19) Abyssamania runs wild.
20) Hogan and Flair feud.
21) Nash turned his back on the band and turned babyface.
22) Nash briefly teamed up with Eric Young.
23) Nash turned heel and sided with the band.
24) Eric Young briefly feuds with the band.
25) Eric Young turned heel and sided with the band.
26) Scott Hall gets fired.
27) Sean Waltman gets fired.
28) Nash blamed Hogan and Bischoff for the band’s demise.
29) This storyline remains unresolved to this day.
30) Sting starts talking about deception.
31) Sting attacks Dixie Carter.
32) Sting doesn’t get fired.
33) RVD makes his debut.
34) Hogan puts RVD over as Mr TNA.
35) Mysterious attacks occur around backstage area and an Ace of Spades card is left as a calling card.
36) This storyline remains unresolved to this day.
37) RVD feuds with Sting.
38) This storyline remains unresolved to this day.
39) RVD is handed the World Title on Impact.
40) Jeff Hardy makes his debut by climbing atop of a steel cage.
41) Bischoff introduces TNA rankings.
42) Desmond Wolfe wins the vote.
43) Sting is made number one contender for the title.
44) Desmond Wolfe jobs to RVD and is made to look like a tit.
45) Samoa Joe returns on the tron looking sweaty and scared and tells us that “they” are coming. This is never mentioned again, and neither are the ninjas.
46) Around this time, Hogan and Bischoff plot to take over TNA and put together a secret group ‘The Immortals’
47) Samoa Joe returns, attacks people and gives silent promos.
48) Abyss turns heel and starts talking about “they”.
49) Nash joins Sting and talk about smoke and mirrors.
50) Jeff Jarrett feuds with Sting and Nash.
51) Sting and Nash recruit the Pope.
52) Jarrett recruits Samoa Joe.
53) Samoa Joe starts talking, the ninjas and his silence and his attacks are never mentioned again.
54) Janice makes her debut on Impact.
55) RVD retains. his title against Abyss on The Whole F’ing show with Eric Bischoff as a special guest referee.
56) Abyss mutilates RVD with Janice.
57) RVD returns a few months after making a miraculous recovery on Wolverine/Claire Bennett levels of physical impossibility.
58) TNA bring in EV2.0.
59) Hogan puts EV2.0 over.
60) Flair hates EV2.0.
61) TNA gradually get rid of EV2.0.
62) Abyss kidnaps Dixie and humiliates her.
63) Dixie signs a contract to fire Abyss.
64) RVD is forced to vacate the title.
65) This storyline remains unresolved to this day.
66) The TNA rankings are never spoken of again.
67) It is revealed that Dixie actually signed control of TNA to Hogan et al.
68) At Bound for Glory everyone turns heel.
69) Jeff Hardy becomes World Champion.
70) The next Impact is used to explain their evil plans.

I'm pretty sure I've missed stuff out, but this is a bare-bones plot outline. Hope it makes sense.

TNA nonsense watch

TNA is now officially fucking retarded. This week’s Impact was possibly the worst Impact I have ever seen. This whole show deserves to be included in our latest TNA nonsense watch.

I’ve stopped reviewing TNA because I like Clown’s take so much, but damn it, I need to get this off my chest. I cannot believe how bad TNA has been this week. Remember that TNA is a taped show, it’s not live. TNA management chose to air this shit. Let’s see what went wrong:

Before the show kicked off, we had a package with Ric Flair talking about Fourtune – Ric Flair’s rehash of the Four Horsemen, only with six fucking members (surely it should be called Sixtune?) Indeed, the accompanying graphic package for a later match with Beer Money had lots of number fours bobbing around. It’s even spelt Fourtune. The Four Horsemen with six guys? Really? What the fuck? If you’re going to redo the Four Horsemen, have four of them.

The show opened with Dixie Carter coming to the ring, this is not a good sign. Why they’ve made her a character is beyond me. So, she calls Ric out, holding him “personally responsible” for Abyss attacking RVD. How this is so I have no fucking clue. She proceeds to suspend Ric for 90 days. As President of the company, it is perfectly within her power and right to do this. Flair tells Dixies that Fourtune are going to take over TNA (wow, it’s like that nWo/MEM/Nexus angle hasn’t been done before). Fourtune come out and look as though they are going to beat up Dixie. Luckily Serge dives into the ring to take a beating instead. I know what you’re saying: “No not Serge, you bastards, not Serge!”... of course you’re not saying that, and nobody is saying that because nobody knows who the fuck Serge is. Essentially they want to put over a group of guys as the new bad asses in town by, erm, attacking someone that no one has seen in TNA before. This guy could be anyone, and I am sure that the live audience who wouldn’t have had Taz telling us that he’s Dixie Carter’s husband were 50 times more confused than the people watching at home. Who knew there was a Serge? Who gives a fuck if he gets beaten? This is complete bullshit... But wait, it gets worse. By this point Dixie has made a swift exit, leaving her husband to get beat by Sixtune, and who should enter but Hulk Hogan (accompanied by Angle, Anderson, Pope and Hardy). “Thank God for Hulk Hogan” were the genuine words that left Tenay’s mouth at that point. He reminded me of the way Jerry Lawler creams his boxers every time John Cena turns up for work. I was expecting Hogan to rush in and take out each member of Fourtune with one punch, but luckily that didn’t happen. Instead, we were treated to Hogan “overriding” Dixie’s decision to suspend Flair. So what? Is Hogan the President now? What the fuck? Hogan explains: “I made a deal with Dixie Carter, dude, to run this company 50/50, brother” – so I’m paraphrasing, but that was the essence: a 50/50 relationship. 50 doesn’t have a majority over 50, 50% doesn’t give you more control that another 50%. WHAT THE FUCK? Either Dixie’s the President or she’s not. This is complete and utter nonsense. If that was not bad enough, with Flair declaring that Fourtune are going to take over the company, the Fatal Four (that’s Hardy, Angle, Anderson and Pope (four babyfaces who are currently in a tournament against each other for the World Championship, the most coveted title in sports entertainment, I might add)) are going to give “the keys of the company back to Dixie”. Now I hate to use logic on this, but lets look at what’s going on here: Dixie came out and took control of her company, Hogan overrode her, Hogan wants Dixie to take back control of the company. There’s a beautiful circularity in this which if considered for too long and by too many people could actually rip the very fabric of space and time.

Then it went stupider. Joe was put in a match with Orlando Jordan, a guy whose gimmick seems to have gone from “a bisexual” to a dirty fucking rapist sex offender. I’m not going to deconstruct how terrible the Jordan gimmick is here (Clown did that perfectly a few months back), but the match was just pointless. Jordan came to the ring with a Samoa Joe action figure, pretended to fellate it and molested SoCal “Butterface” Val – just like all bisexuals do... Anyway, at the end of the match Jeff Jarrett came out and started talking. A silence descended over the crowd like a bored mist. No one gets, or cares, about the squabbles between Sting/Nash and Jarrett. No one knows what is going on, or which side people should care about. Sting is too much of a face to be taken seriously as a heel, and Jarrett has been a heel in TNA for years. As far as I can make out, this seems to be another “the soul of TNA is at stake” angle, this time because of Kevin Nash, or Hulk Hogan’s politics, or Sting feeling deceived, or something. The “the soul of TNA is at stake” angle might be familiar to fans who remember things like the Kings of Wrestling... the Main Event Mafia... the Band... or, erm, the thing from the promo before, i.e. Fourtune... and, erm, EVWo 2.0... are all the major TNA angles the same at the moment? Let’s consider this angle for a moment and ask what would happen if Jarrett turned round to Nash and said “you win” and just walked away? Seriously, what is at stake? Is big granddad Nash going to slowly walk toward people and go through his vast move set? Maybe I’m missing something in the storyline, but as far as I can make out, it makes no fucking sense.

Later on in the show we had the revelation that Abyss must have multiple Janices. There is a brawl between him a Stevie Richard (he must have been struck off for malpractice because he no longer mentions his doctorate) in the car park. This segment is piss poor, but there is a point where Abyss manages to break Janice in two. After a commercial break, Rhino is waiting for Abyss in the ring and Abyss has either managed to do a miraculous repair job on Janice, or he simply has a whole collection of them. Living like some kind of Mormon with multiple women (except planks of wood rather than a genuine polygamist relationship). Clown will probably tell me that this is just a continuity error rather than nonsense, but I don’t care, this show had more holes in than, I dunno, something with a lot of holes in.

This is just a taste of how bad it was. Of late TNA’s story-telling and logic has took a complete nose-dive.

I’ve had enough now. I’m serious; TNA needs to get its shit together, because if there’s no improvement by Bound for Glory, I’m done (except for the live show in January I have tickets for already).

That Clown from Outta Town - August 5th iMPACT

Another week, another iMPACT.

I'm looking forward to the MCMG v Beer Money match. Kinda curious about the Jay Lethal v Ric Flair street fight too. Let's hope they actually start with wrestling today. Also, announcing the matches for Hardcore Justice would be nice.

2:49 - Dreamer's on his way to the ring...but dressed to chat, not wrestle. Please don't cry again, Tommy.
6:14 - Best Raven promo ever.
7:19 - FOLEY FOLEY FOLEY
7:44 - Special ref? He's not going to wrestle :'(
9:21 - Knockouts, fast forwarding
10:58 - Oh wait, Hamada...watching.
15:46 - Ref bump...ffs TNA stop with the ref bumps
16:24 - Not the greatest match - Lacey is improving, but she's still too green for TV. Still, new champs so we'll be seeing more of Hamada - the best Knockout.
17:17 - AJ v Rob Terry again - after Rob destroyed Kaz last week in under 30 seconds, we might be seeing two championship changes in as many matches...
18:13 - And as soon as I hear AJ's music, anything seems possible. I love that tune. I was Audiosurf world champion for AJ's theme tune - true story. AJ to retain.
22:42 - AJ got battered, but pulled it out in the end. I love that 450 splash.
24:35 - Angle v AJ - Can't fucking wait
26:02 - Woop woop, Ultimate X coming up :D
27:35 - FFS, TNA - you say Ultimate X is up next, then cut to the Beautiful People scrapping backstage...NOBODY CARES
27:44 - "Trust my ass"...great promo, Velvet.
28:13 - IT'S TIME
32:26 - Bell finally rings...
39:57 - 2nd best huricarana ever.
41:36 - Sliced Bread on the apron...fucking hell
42:26 - Awesome, awesome match. TNA can really pull it out when they want to.
43:00 - What better way to follow that great match than a Bischoff promo? FFS
45:20 - Wow, Hogan looks tired
46:05 - Oh FFS, Bischoff is special ref in the Janice on a pole match
46:41 - Looks like Hard justice is just going to be the special iMPACT next week...so I'm guessing no TNA matches whatsoever at Hardcore Justice :D
51:30 - Sting and Nash kicking ass...finally, the one guy who was kicking the shit out of Bischoff on a regular basis is back :D
53:52 - Pope v Jordan...this could be good.
55:53 - What the fuck.
62:38 - Streetfight time :)
64:24 - It's weird how the Angle angle has gone from Angle saying 'If I lose, it may be my last match' to 'If Angle loses, he MUST RETIRE'...
70:56 - Ridiculous match - it ended up with Flair wearing one sock, one shoe and pants...nothing else. He even got his arse out. FFS. Aside from that, not a bad match though.
73:24 - RVD v Jerry Lynn is the Hardcore Justice main event :D
76:33 - So...you've got RVD, Tommy Dreamer, Raven and Abyss in one match...and they don't book it as a hardcore match. FFS TNA.
81:36 - FUCK YEAH SANDMAN

Awesome iMPACT, main event was a bit shit but apart for that great. MCMG v Beer Money was the highlight, for the 4th week running. Can't wait for PPV.

They only announced 2 matches for Hardcore Justice, I think most of the people showing up are going to be a surprise...I'd love to see Tajiri v Super Crazy, but that's probably the least likely match possible. This is going to be awesome.

That Clown from Outta Towan - iMPACT July 7th 2010

Another week, another iMPACT. To be honest, I can't remember a thing about last week's show, other than there's going to be an ECW-style PPV.

I'm hoping for a few details/matches to be revealed. I'm hoping Tommy Dreamer doesn't cry again.

I also hope they start with wrestling.

0:09 - Tommy on the mic again...
2:26 - They're giving Bubba a mic :D
7:21 - Bubba's promising fire :D
8:00 - Oh god, here comes Hogan to ruin the moment
11:17 - Phew, Abyss is here to save us from Hogan
11:55 - Looks like ECW weren't 'they' after all
14:17 - Looks like Dreamer v Abyss tonight :D Shame Dreamer's gonna get whooped - he's injured so this is probably how they're going to explain him not wrestling at the PPV.
16:37 - Knockouts...fast forwarding. I've given them plenty of chances, and regretted it every time.
22:10 - Eric Young's back...tagging with Orlando Jordan...TNA must really hate this guy's career. Jordan seems to have toned down his act considerably though, which can only be a good thing.
28:33 - The less said about that match the better.
29:54 - Flair v Lethal in a street fight? I was dubious last time, and it was a good match...but still, I'm dubious again.
33:58 - Global Championship is now the TV Title :) 2nd time the fucking thing's been renamed...
35:44 - Woop, Angle's here :D
36:40 - FUCK YEAH ANGLE v AJ :D
37:17 - Beer Money v Guns...this should be good, they've been owning it up for weeks. MCMG are clearly gonna win though.
39:28 - They're bothering with tagging in a cage match??
46:06 - That was awesome...best one of the series so far :) Looking forward to next week...
46:43 - Ugh, Anderson
46:57 - Oh wait, Matt Morgan...still ugh.
53:29 - Best low blow ever.
59:02 - Rob Terry just beat Kaz in under 30 seconds...fucking disgraceful.
60:27 - Anderson & Hardy v TNA Security is just silly...
66:33 - Ugh, Bischoff
20:05 - Yay, Abyss :) Please kill Bischoff with your pointy stick
70:23 - Nailboard ladder match haha
72:03 - Abyss was going to kill Bischoff, and RVD saved him, but RVD is a face and Abyss is a heel...that makes no sense at all. Anyone trying to kill Bischoff is ok in my book.
83:28 - Dreamer v Abyss was nothing to write home about...looks like it's Raven v Dreamer at the PPV though.

Overall, a very mediocre iMPACT. It was basically just the MCMG v Beer Money match, and nothing else interesting or significant. It wasn't terrible, it just wasn't good either

TNA Booking Sliding Down Hill(Booking Review for Impact 7-29-2010)

I love TNA, its my favorite wrestling promotion as far as content and characters go. And I have been cheering for TNA to get to the top for so long. But this ECW thing(to) me seems to be pushing the "TNA" wrestlers aside for not only a whole pay-per-view but almost a whole show....But who's to say this isn't a good thing...Just check the ratings! Maybe if done right and somehow fused with whats ACTUALLY going on in TNA this thing might work.

(EV 2.0 Promo)
This weeks Impact opens up with Tommy Dreamer and the rest of the Hardcore Superstars(as well as Brother Devon of Team 3D). Dreamer says due to some confusion with "letters of the Alphabet" and of course legal issues, Tommy and his band of Extreme fans will now be known as EV 2.0. He thanks Devon for rejoining the family, and asks whats going on with Brother Ray. Devon says he doesn't know and procedes to call Brother Ray out to the ring.Ray comes out but does not get into the ring. Tommy Dreamer and Brother Ray go back and forth about how they are best friends, and Dreamer even compares the reunion to KISS putting on the makeup and getting together one more time. Mick Foley tries to convince him by saying that when he looks back on his career he will regret not doing this show(HARDCore Justice). Even TAZ from the announce table gets a mic and just tells Brother Ray to just get in the ring.Bubba goes to the ring and grabs a mic and asks Devon are they going to light somebody on fire? Devon nods yes as the crowd starts chanting EV 2.0, and Bubba says what the hell, he’s in, and Bubba and Devon embrace and then Bubba goes around and high fives everyone. But wait here comes Hulk Hogan(surprise, he's not dead) he gets a mic as well and says how cool it is that the ECW guys are going to ride again and he thanks them for doing so in TNA. Hogan says that since everyone is in a giving mood Eric Bischoff has a big annoucement later on. Here comes Abyss with Janice, and he hates to break up the extreme reunion, but he’s here to tell you that they are not happy, and they are downright pissed off because this reunion was never a part of their plan and wasn’t supposed to happen, and there’s one person they hold responsible, and it’s not Tommy Dreamer, it’s not Mick Foley, and it’s not any of the fans or even Hulk Hogan, the one person they hold responsible is Dixie Carter. Hogan says he could care less what they say, and as far as he’s concerned, Abyss should hit the road and get his head checked because right now, Tommy Dreamer is a guest of theirs at TNA and nothing’s going to go down until the PPV. Abyss says they have given him strict orders tonight to take Tommy Dreamer out, and therefore there will be no Hardcore Justice. Hogan repeats that Dreamer is their guest and he’s not going to step up until he’s good and ready…but wait, Dreamer says that he would love to fight Abyss tonight, so if Dixie and Hulk will allow it, he says let’s do it for everybody. Looks like we have our main event for tonight! Okay that was a pretty lengthy opening segment especially because MOST of it had nothing to do with "TNA"...good to see Abyss this week after him not being on the show last week. Didn't like that promo too much.... 2 out of 5.

(Beautiful People Backstage Segment)
Backstage Lacey Von Erich is telling Velvet Sky this has to stop right now and Velvet says it will never end, and then Madison Rayne comes in and says none of this will end unless they stay BFFs. Madison says they have all the Knockouts Titles and asks why they can’t stick together. Velvet comes up with several reasons, not the least of which is Madison hanging out with Dumpy Ass and Sarita. Madison tries to reason with them and Velvet isn’t having it, and says it’s going to take a lot more than sorry. Madison and Lacey keep apologizing and finally Velvet says they have a truce and they share a group hug. Still intrigued by whats going on with them, I guess we will see in the coming weeks. I give the booking of this segment a 3 out of 5.

(#1 Contender’s Match: Sarita vs Angelina Love )
I like this match already, and its good to see Sarita in a non-tag team match. Angelina with a shoulderblock right off the bat and they do a pinfall exchange sequence and do a standoff. Sarita hides behind the ref and nails Angelina, whipping her into the ropes but Angelina ducks a clothesline and gets a rollup for 2 Sarita drop toeholds Angelina into the ropes and kicks her in the gut. Sarita works Angelina over in the corner and snapmares her for 2. Sarita takes Angelina down and drops several elbows before getting a rear chinlock. Angelina fights out but Sarita with a full rotation back suplex for 2. Sarita tries another rollup with a handful of tights but the ref catches her and refuses to count. Angelina escapes another suplex attempt and spears Sarita, then gets a running elbow, spinkick, and a flying clothesline, and she gets the Botox Injection for 3. Angelina Wins!! Good booking, these two are obviously the two best singles knockouts besides Madison Rayne right now. Some may disagree but Sarita is just not ready for a title shot until her heel turn is complete. I give the booking of this match a 3 out of 5

(Eric Young/Orlando Jordan Backstage Segment)
Eric Young is backstage goofing around and Orlando Jordan, ORLANDO JORDAN, says he needs Young to be focused and stop goofing around. Eric says he’s not all there right now because of all the head trauma he’s suffered recently, and Orlando says “Yeah, and they say I have problems.” Okay the segment was quite funny and its taking me back to the old EY I remember from back in the day. Another pretty average...but funny backstage segment. I give it a 3 out of 5

(Ink Inc vs Orlando Jordan & Eric Young)
So apparently Eric Young took a bump off of the top rope during Xplosion and that made him go loopy...but anyway.Orlando Jordan comes to the ring and puts his gum in So Cal Val’s mouth, and he is followed by Eric Young carrying…a naked mannequin with a feather boa, whic he props up next to him in his corner, so I guess this is a handicap match. Jordan goes right to work on Jesse Neal and beats him down, then snapmares him and we HIT THE CHINLOCK! Jordan with a swinging neckbreaker as we see that both Young and the mannequin are reaching out for the tag. Jordan straddles Jesse, but Shannon Moore comes in and boots Jordan, and one chinbreaker later, Jesse has made the hot tag, and the mannequin is legal! Young tosses him off the top rope and he burts into pieces, so Ink Inc knocks Young off the top rope and Moore hits the Mooregasm for the win. Didn't really get why this match was even booked for Impact in the first place, Seems like TNA's booking isn't making sense again. So I give the booking of this match a 2 out of 5. BTW why is OJ still in TNA...Just a thought....

(Eric Young Post Match Segment)
Young crawls over to the destroyed mannequin and throws up the X to indicate that the mannequin is badly injured and needs a stretcher as we go to commercial. LOL at Eric Young he is truly back. I give this segment a 3 out of 5.

(Fortune Promo)
We’re back, and Ric Flair is in the ring with AJ Styles, Frankie Kazarian, and Beer Money, and he says that we all know that Flair is a wrestling god and genius, so he always has a return match clause, and next week it’s going to be Jay Lethal and Ric Flair in a Street Fight with no rules. Flair is prepared to bleed and sweat, which is good because that’s all he can do anymore. Now, it’s time to introduce the final two members of Fortune: Beer Money. So basically, it’s the four guys we all knew it would be. Flair hands Bobby Roode the mic and he says it’s an honor, but they knew it was only a matter of time before they joined up with Flair since they’re the greatest team in the business today (not named Briscoes or Kings Of Wrestling…that’s my opinion, anyway), and tonight they’re going to beat the Motor City Machine Guns for the third time in a row, and will become four time (WOO), four time (WOO), four time (WOO), four time (WOO) TNA World Tag Team Champions. Now Flair introduces the new Global Champion AJ Styles and Frankie Kazarian, and Kazarian says they’re not a gang of angry rookies(lolz Nexus), they’re four seasoned vets who are the best in the TNA Galaxy. AJ takes the mic and says that they’re the best because Ric Flair deserves the best and deserves respect, and out of that respect, he’s going to restore credibility to the Global Title. He renames it the Television Title, and starting next week and every week and PPV after that, he will defend the title and it starts next week with Rob Terry…that is, if Terry can get past Kazarian tonight. Flair closes it by telling the girls that they’ll be at the hotel tonight and will be running all night long. Wait a minute…here comes Kurt Angle and he looks serious. Angle says he’s glad to hear that AJ will honor that title, but he should know that Angle needs to honor his commitment as well, which means climbing the ladder in TNA and regaining the TNA World Title. Unfortunately for AJ, he’s next in line, and that’s real…that’s damn real. Awesome promo I think the Television Title is a better name for it and it should be defended on TV every week but I doubt TNA will do that....Good to see Kurt Angle. I give the Fortune Promo a 4 out of 5.

(Best of 5 Series Match #3 Beer Money vs Motor City Machine Guns)
After commericial we move on to our next match and it's a cage match! Beer Money is up two to nothing in this best of five series. Beer Money is already in the cage, the Motor City Machine Guns music hits and they are climbing up the cage but Roode and Storm don't see them.......I have to say this is good booking, we have seen a variety of matches and these two teams have put on some good matches so far. The Guns dive off the cage onto Beer Money to start, then ram both members of Beer Money into the cage. Series of fast double team moves on Storm, and then a springboard dropkick on Roode sends him crashing into the cage and he’s busted open already. Shelley goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Storm escapes and gets a hanging neckbreaker off the second rope for 2. Storm rams Shelley into the turnbuckle and pounds him in the face as we see Roode bleeding, then tags in Roode, who comes in with a stiff kick to the guy of Shelley. Beer Money with a slam/elbowdrop/kneedrop combo for 2. Storm comes in and pops Shelley in the mouth then tags Roode back in and we HIT THE CHINLOCK! Shelley fights his way free, but Roode nails him and puts him up top and goes for a superplex, but Shelley rams Roode into the cage several times and hits a top rope Frankensteiner.Shelley makes the hot tag and Sabin comes in and cleans house, hitting a top rope dropkick on both men. Sabin puts Roode in the corner, hangs Storm upside down in front of him, hits a Yakuza Kick to Roode, a delayed baseball slide to Storm, and then Shelley tries Sliced Bread #2 on Roode but Roode escapes and kills Sabin with a lariat. Roode and Shelley go up top but Shelley rams Roode facefirst into the cage and hits a double stomp off the top onto Roode. MCMG with more double team moves on Beer Money but Sabin misses one and then Storm hits a Spinning slam on Shelley and powerbombs Sabin into the cage, and then Storm follows that with a lungblower for a very close 2. Beer Money tries to escape but Shelley goes up and tosses Roode off, then gives Storm a jawbreaker off the top. Sabin climbs to the top of the cage and hits a crossbody off the top on both men and all four are down. That should have been the finish. Storm goes for a shot with the beer bottle, but Sabin moves and Storm nails Roode, and the MCMG hit the doubler stomp/neckbreaker to pick up the win. This was a an excellently booked match these two tag-teams are obviously the best in the world right now....I give the booking of this match a 5 out of 5...Keep it up guys

(Matt Morgan/Mr.Anderson/Jeff Hardy segment)
After commercial, we are introduced to Mr Anderson…wait, it’s Matt Morgan coming out to Anderson’s music. I bet he’s going to impersonate him. He goes for the mic and the guy who controls the mic refuses to drop it, so Morgan yells at the guy and finally he drops it and Morgan can grab the mic. Yep, he impersonates Anderson and introduces himself. Now Anderson’s music hits again, and here he comes for real and when he puts his hand up, he gets a damn mic, and he demonstrates how easy it was by having it raise up, and then calling for it to drop again, and says he doesn’t know what Morgan’s problem is but he’s coming down to the ring to find out. Morgan asks if he finds it ironic that the mic in Morgan’s hand was what left Anderson in a pool of his own blood. Morgan says Anderson wants to hit him and take out the Big Bad Wolf, and Morgan offers to bend over and put his jaw out and Anderson can pop him in the jaw for free, but he knows that Anderson is too scared to do it. Morgan keeps egging Anderson on, so Anderson drops down and punches Morgan in the nuts instead. Anderson jumps on Morgan and rains rights down onto Morgan’s head and starts mocking him, but Morgan catches Anderson with a clawhold and starts choking him out, then puts the boots to him. Morgan takes the mic and uses the cord to choke Anderson out, but now Jeff Hardy comes out to make the save and he kicks the crap out of Morgan, and then Anderson recovers and he joins in. Security comes out and pulls Anderson and Hardy off, and Morgan uses the opening to cheapshot Anderson. Hardy and Anderson dive back on Morgan and security gets a little too physical trying to pull them back off, leading to the TNA agents coming out and breaking the brawl up and chewing security out. Kind of out there scenario, almost seemed like it was thrown together at the last minute, and I'm sure this isn't a part of the main storyline, I give this segment a 3 out of 5

(Mr. Anderson/Jeff Hardy Backstage Segment)

We are back from commercial and immediately brought backstage to an interview with Anderson and Hardy. Christy Hemme asks them about how they felt about TNA Security's overly physical invovement in their brawl just moments ago. Anderson says they’ve been trying to get into wrestling for the last ten years and they wanted to be seen, so tonight they get their wish because they get to face Anderson and Hardy, and Anderson wants them to bring Matt Morgan with them...Nice a match making interview pretty average 3 out of 5

(Kazarian vs Rob Terry)
Back in the Impact Zone we have ourselves another match. Kazarian vs Rob Terry.The ref kicks AJ out of ringside, and Kazarian dropkicks Terry from behind, but Terry shrugs Kazarian off and gives him a really ugly chokeslam for a disgustingly easy win. Good booking as far as the match up went since Kazarian cost Terry the Television Title just last week. Too short of a match though and it contradicts Fortunes good promo earlier but I give the booking of this match a 3 out of 5

(Matt Morgan, Gunner and Murphy vs. Mr. Anderson and Jeff Hardy)
HEY I THOUGHT BISCHOFFS ANNOUNCEMENT WAS NEXT??? AWWW MAN. So not only do we have security booked in a match vs. two of TNA's top stars, but THE KING OF WALKOUT Matt Morgan is on their team....I already don't like this.Morgan starts and he wants Anderson, so Anderson obliges. They circle one another…and Morgan tags Murphy in. Then Murphy tags Gunner in, and they finally tie up, Gunner fires Anderson off into the ropes and Anderson takes him down with a shoulderblock and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Gunner tags to Murphy who comes in and starts pounding away on Anderson and rams some shoulders into Anderson’s midsection in the corner, but tries one time too many and Anderson moves and rolls Murphy up for 2. Hardy tags in and they go for Poetry In Motion but Murphy clotheslines Hardy out of midair and tags Gunner in, but Hardy catches him with the Whisper In The Wind for 2. Tag back out to Anderson and the Security double team Anderson but Hardy breaks it up. Morgan gets bored and decides to wander off and leave the jobbers all alone, so Anderson hits the Mic Check on Gunner, followed by a Swanton from Hardy for the win. I give the booking of this match a 2 out of 5

(Hulk Hogan Backstage interview)
Christy is backstage and wants to find out from Hulk Hogan what Eric Bischoff’s big announcement is going to be, but Hogan’s leaving for a big meeting in New York, presumably to try and leverage a better deal out of Vince, but he’ll be back next week and he’ll have a few things to say about Bischoff’s announcement then. No point for this interview since Hogan seemed to be in such a rush....c'mon TNA the shows not live try not to make things seem rushed....1 out of 5

(Eric Bischoff In-Ring Announcement)
We go to Eric Bischoff in the ring with Miss Tessmacher, and it’s time for his big announcement: on August 12th at 9pm EST, we’ll see something we’ve never seen before, because Dixie Carter inspired Eric Bischoff by announcing Hardcore Justice, and he was inspired because Dixie gave back to the fans, and Hogan and Bischoff can give back too, so they called up SpikeTV and arranged for a PPV quality show right here on Impact, so on August 12th, the main event will be…uh oh, here comes Abyss with Janice and Bischoff looks somewhat uncomfortable. Abyss grabs Bischoff’s mic and says that he just got done talking to Them and They want him to make the main event for August 12th, and that will be Abyss challenging Rob Van Dam in a Ladder Match with Janice hanging above the ring. Bischoff tries to protest, but Abyss says They have told him that Bischoff is the only one who can make it happen, so he asks if Bischoff will make it happen, or does he want to feel the wrath of Janice? Bischoff says all right, he’ll make the match, so Abyss tells him he chose wisely and Abyss starts to leave, but then stops and tells Bischoff that Abyss is okay with him, but Janice doesn’t appreciate when he bitchslapped Abyss recently, so she’s going to show him what a real bitch is. Suddenly, RVD’s music hits and here comes the champ with a chair, and he jumpkicks Abyss off the top rope and puts the boots to him. RVD beats Abyss down in the corner and baseball slides a chair into him, and Abyss bails to the floor, so RVD goes after him again and dives off the ropes, but Abyss moves and RVD crashes hard onto the guardrail. The TNA agents come out to back Abyss off, and here comes Tommy Dreamer, and Al Snow hands Janice to Tommy as he comes to the ring for the main event, which is NEXT. Great segment Abyss is running SHIT right now...glad they changed his character back...and the announcement well take what you want from it....But Abyss coming out and making Bischoff look like a bitch....PRICELESS...a 4 out of 5.

(Hardcore Rules Match: Abyss vs Tommy Dreamer)
Dreamer is creaming Abyss with a trashcan lid when we come back from commercial, but Abyss picks him up and crotches him on the guardrail. They head back in the ring, which is full of plunder, and Abyss wedges a chair in the corner, but turns around into a trashcan, but Abyss barely registers it before picking Dreamer up and giving him a side suplex onto another trashcan. Abyss whacks him with a cookie sheet, then follows that with a shot from a Singapore Cane. Abyss with a neck vice and Dreamer fights his way out, but Abyss throttles him for a chokeslam, Dreamer fights his way out and hits a crossbody and nails him with another…metal thing. Dreamer with a big clothesline lays Abyss out for 2, but eats elbow on a charge and gets rammed into the chair in the corner. Abyss goes up top, but Tommy knocks him off and crotches him, then hangs Abyss in the Tree of Woe and nails him in the nuts with the Singapore Cane, then puts the trash can in front of Abyss and baseball slides the can into his face. Dreamer goes under the ring and grabs a barbed wire board and tosses it in the ring, then gets back in and nails Abyss with the cane again. He sets up the board and goes to pick up Abyss, but his leg gives out and Abyss clotheslines him. Abyss goes out to ringside and grabs Janice and does “YOU!” and swings Janice, but Tommy moves and rolls Abyss up for 2. He sets Janice up in the corner and whips Abyss into her, but Abyss puts on the breaks and punches a trash can into Tommy’s face, then chokeslams him on the barbed wire board for the win. If Dreamer's hurt why is he in the ring? You know if it wasn't for Abyss, I would give this match a two....instead I'll give the booking of this match a 3 out of 5.

(Tommy Dreamer/Abyss Post-Match Segment)
Raven’s music hits and he comes running out with a chair and he and Abyss face off, but Raven turns around and nails Tommy, then gives him the DDT on a chair and with that, we’re off the air. Okay It's hard to tell if Raven is involved with Abyss or reigniting his ages old feud with Dreamer....I'll go with the latter... 2 out of 5

Okay so i've been really late on my booking reviews....I'm in the process of moving but I'll try to keep up. As i've said before I'm not a big fan of this ECW thing...and heck i'll be glad when it's over... Looking forward to August 12th though....

Hogan to sue...

This is going to be my last post for a while. I'm going to a place with no internet or phone signal for at least 3 weeks. Maybe it's to sell an injury, maybe it's to finish a book on early-20th century sculptor Jacob Epstein, maybe it's to make chairs using traditional methods; who knows...

anyway I thought I'd leave you with a nice little video which has got Hulk Hogan crying like a bitch. This is from Pro Wrestling Insider:

"Hulk Hogan is going to the mat against The Flintstones.

Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, is suing the maker of Cocoa Pebbles, accusing the company of appropriating his image in commercials for the cereal.

In the "Cocoa Smashdown" commercial, a cartoon character resembling Hogan easily beats Fred and Barney inside the ring. But then Bamm-Bamm steps in and pounds the blond-haired, mustachioed wrestler to bits.

Hulk, the federal lawsuit states, "is shown humiliated and cracked into pieces with broken teeth, with the closing banner, 'Little Pieces…BIG TASTE!'"

The commercial character goes by the name "Hulk Boulder," which Hogan's lawsuit says is a name he used early in his career until wrestling promoter Vince McMahon decided he should have an Irish name.

The lawsuit says Post Foods never sought or received Hogan's permission to use his likeness to promote the cereal. Hogan says he raised his objections with Post in August, but the ads continued.

Hogan says he is marketing his own products, including the Hogan Energy drink and Hulkster Burgers, a line of microwaveable hamburgers and chicken sandwiches sold at Walmart.

The wrestler contends he has been harmed by, among other things, "the unauthorized and degrading depictions in the Cocoa Smashdown advertisements."

A Post spokesperson could not immediately be reached for comment."

http://www.pwinsider.com/article/47729/the-latest-recipient-of-a-hulk-hogan-lawsuit-is.html?p=1



I don't claim to be a legal expert, so I could be talking out of my anus, but I'm pretty sure that parody comes under Fair Usage... anyway, Hulk Boulder has far too much hair to even be considered a copy...

TNA Ranking System: Week two results.

Jeff Jarrett 1% (1,871 votes)
The Pope 1% (3,488 votes)
Sting 1% (3,948 votes)
Abyss 1% (1,373 votes)
Mr. Anderson 5% (19,041 votes)
AJ Styles 1% (2,277 votes)
Hernandez 1% (1,997 votes)
Rhino 1% (3,478 votes)
Matt Morgan 34% (139,304 votes)
Brother Ray 1% (1,646 votes)
Brother Devon 1% (5,230 votes)
Jeff Hardy 3% (13,431 votes)
Rob Terry 2% (7,686 votes)
Kurt Angle 1% (3,050 votes)
Desmond Wolfe 50% (207,484 votes)
Total Votes: 415,304

Holy shit, Desmond Wolfe and Matt Morgan have taken 84% of the vote between them. This will surely mean that Wolfe will get a push now... maybe. Abyss got less than 1% again, but still TNA will no doubt push him.

The TNA ranking system is a joke, let's be honest. Especially now that TNA is a taped show, it will probably give TNA fans 2-3 days after an episode of Impact for their vote to count. Earlier in the week, Matt Morgan was ahead in the vote, but it seems that throughout the week fans have been clicking away trying to get Wolfe up again.

I say screw the ranking system; it's a nice way for TNA management to see which wrestlers are going down well with fans, but that it as far as it goes.

I think it is about time that Hulk Hogan became TNA champion. After all, if Hogan can come down the entrance ramp and knock out Robery Roode, James Storm, AJ Styles and Desmond Wolfe with one hit from his big right hand, he's clearly the toughest there is.

Let's hope that Hogan books himself as number one contender and breaks the record for the shortest championship match in TNA history. All it will take is one punch with his big right hand and RVD will be out like a light. Watch from 4min30:

Clown's TNA Nonsense Watch

There's a disturbing trend starting up in TNA. Things are happening that make no fucking sense whatsoever. I've decided to start up a Nonsense Watch to catalogue all of the insane bullshit that's going on. Here's a few to get the ball rolling.

Lethal Lockdown

So the angle going into this is that Bischoff has been talking to Flair for weeks before the match, causing suspicion that he's planning to turn on Hogan and side with Flair. During the match, Flair and Hogan both get involved, culminating in Hogan menacing Flair with a baseball bat. Bischoff runs in, talks Hogan into calming down and handing him the baseball bat. Bischoff pulls out some brass knuckles, pretends he's going to give them to Flair, but instead gives them to Hogan who batters Flair while Bischoff cheers him on.

This makes no fucking sense at all. If you're on Hogan's side, why bother breaking it up only to instigate it again 30 seconds later? He had the guy at his mercy with a baseball bat. Brass knuckles are an inferior weapon, apart from the fact they are more easily concealed. The match was no DQ, so concealment isn't an issue...so what was the point of the run-in? If the run-in was pointless, what was the point of the entire angle?

It's later revealed that the only reason Bischoff was talking to Flair was to lull him into a false sense of security so that Bischoff could screw him over at the PPV. But he didn't screw him over - all he did was postpone a beating from Hogan by a few seconds. If he hadn't been involved at all, the end result would have been identical. There's weeks of exposition to build heat for when Bischoff interrupts a main event match to do nothing whatsoever. They wasted TV time, FOR NOTHING, for weeks on end when there's a locker room full of talented wrestlers that hardly ever get on TV because they aren't big names.

WHAT THE FUCK

The Band

Eric Young screws Kevin Nash for the Legends title. Kevin Nash says he'd usually get revenge, but he's impressed with Young so he forgives him and joins Young's faction, and the two are stable mates.

Months later, Scott Hall and X-Pac come to TNA. They immediately resume their friendship with Kevin Nash, and start a faction called 'The Band' (Young's 'World Elite' faction disappeared into thin air with no explanation). However, Hall and Pac don't have contracts, so they're not officially in TNA. The three argue, and Hall and Pac attack Nash. Young comes out to rescue his friend from the beating. The feud between Nash/Young & Hall/Pac continues, resulting in a PPV match where if Hall/Pac win, they get contracts.

The match comes around. Hall/Pac beat down Young for several minutes. Young finally gets a tag to Nash. Nash comes in, does his finisher on Young, tags back out again and Hall/Pac pin Young to get the win.

The next show, Nash calls Young down to the ring. He apologises, and offers young a spot in The Band. He tells him the plan all along was to get contracts for Hall/Pac and then build a four man stable with Young. Young refuses, and attacks Nash. This sparks off a feud which culminates in a cage match at Lockdown. Nash defeats Young relatively easily.

3 weeks later, Young rushes to the ring to help Team 3D in a brawl against Nash/Hall. He turns on them, and reveals he has now joined The Band.

This doesn't make any sense. THREE WEEKS AGO, Young was feuding with Nash because he was so vehemently opposed to joining The Band...now he's a member? If Nash just said to Young, before the contracts match, "Hey buddy, this thing with Hall/Pac is just a ruse to get them contracts. So when we get in the ring, one of us just lays down, they get the 1-2-3, they get contracts, and BANG! We're the most bad ass stable in the company", Young would have gone along with it. To have Young get screwed, refuse to accept the apology, fight Nash because he's so angry about it, and then join for no apparent reason is just nonsense.

WHAT THE FUCK

X-Pac

X-Pac no-shows Lockdown. Taz announces it as 'Pac didn't show up...it's just Pac being Pac I guess'.

The following iMPACT, Taz says 'Just to clarify, X-Pac didn't no-show, he couldn't make it and Dixie Carter was aware of the situation'.

The iMPACT after that, Pac gets his skull smashed against the concrete by 3D and is put on the 'injured' list.

This makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Do they really expect us to believe that when a wrestler can't make a show, they call the owner of the company directly? Not any kind of manager, not any of the bookers, they just go straight to Dixie. They don't let their friends know, they don't let their stable mates or tag team partners know, they just call Dixie and that's all they have to do. And Dixie Carter wouldn't bother to mention to anyone - not the event staff, not the commentators, not Hogan, not anyone - that one of the stars of their FUCKING PPV isn't going to be there? She just assumes that it'll sort itself out and there's no need to pass the message on?

WHAT THE FUCK

Abyss

Abyss wears Hogan's ring on his wedding finger.

WHAT THE FUCK

Orlando Jordan

No words necessary - WHAT THE FUCK

AJ Styles on Hulk Hogan

I found this clip on 'tube of AJ Styles talking about Hulk Hogan back in 2005.

Tell me why I don't like Mondays...

Raw wasn't great this week but there was a couple of impressive debut matches from some of the 'rookies', especially Brian Danielson. He was never going to win, but looked good none the less.

Then there's Sheamus, the angry Irishman. He ticks a few of the stereotypical boxes such as calling people 'Fella', Christian imagery on his outfit, pasty complexion and ginger hair - I guess he has much to be angry about, all things considered. Watching him run in on a weekly basis, kick someone in the head, look smug and then exit again is just getting a little tedious.

I watched Raw this week in the company of Mr Socko of Mr Socko's Pro Wrestling Review fame and we both came to the conclusion that Smackdown is turning into a bit of a dumping ground for shite stars (Jack Swagger, Undertaker, Kane, Big Show etc.) and that WWE in general is just getting somewhat... tame.

Onwards and upwards then, TNA impact on the same day. TNA has been on the up again for a while now so surely nothing could stop this train from coming off the track, could it? The show for me started with great work from Jay Lethal and the very convincing Ric Flair impersonation he did (obviously only if you keep your eyes closed) who has started to make a bit of a name for himself lately, but when he had flair where he should have been the typically boring free for all started which was a good moment for Hogan to come in and steal the spotlight as usual. One of the biggest surprises for me regarding flair this week is the fact that he didn't bleed at all; has he finally bled himself dry?

Knockouts - Fast forward time. However, at the end of this match, Tara (or is it Tera?) pretty much announced that she's off, so that's a bonus.

Mr. Anderson was pretty amusing as always, Jeff Hardy looked bloated, drugs taking their toll perchance.

The band... Embarrassing as always and now they have a new member to change their incontinence pants and wipe the dribble from their mouths, Eric Young. If you include Sean Waltman, they have a combined age of 170 - scrape that barrel baby.

Orlando Jordan and the O-Zone - hmm, don't ask.

Desmond Wolfe challenging RVD was simply disappointing, it could have been a classic if Hulk didn't need to steal the spotlight one more time with Sting.

I'd give it maybe 5/10, but I'm feeling generous - I agree with Clown - good in the middle, but shite elsewhere.

The Clown from Outta Town - May 3rd iMPACT

Apparently, I'm 'Gonzo', whatever that means. Anyway, here's iMPACT:

1:36 - First thing you see is two old men talking in a car. FFS. I tuned into wrestling, not Grumpy Old Men. Start with a bang for once. Start with Joe vs Red. Start with Pope vs Wolfe. Start with Jesse Neal + Shannon Moore vs 3D. Anything but blah blah blah old men who don't wrestle.
2:20 - I can't stand the new theme tune. It's a tune WWE would have for their D show.
3:24 - The Summit between Hogan & Sting. No way will Jarrett intervene. That's inconceivable.
3:55 - Hahaha, they're running from Mondays with their tails between their legs.
4:12 - TNA Reaction? Hopefully it'll be just the X-Division + tag teams...
5:29 - New Jay Lethal gimmick :D Hopefully this is the start of the push he deserves.
8:40 - I'm in stitches. Here comes the real Flair...this is either going to get better or much, much worse.
10:44 - Ugh, soap opera drama.
13:29 - And a pointless beatdown. Sigh.
13:55 - And here comes the monster :D
14:11 - Well, that didn't last long...
14:20 - And here's the artillery :D
15:02 - Wait, what? The Monster Abyss - no fear. Team 3D - no fear. RVD (the smallest guy there) - run like frightened bunnies? WTF??
15:24 - So, awesome promo, ruined by an old ex-wrestler talking, followed by disproportionately putting a new, big-name signing over when it would have been better to have established stars do it? Christ, that's a microcosm of the entire fucking company.
15:30 - FUCK OFF I DON'T CARE ABOUT OLD MEN IN CARS
18:45 - Oh god, more brawling. Here's an idea - why not schedule a wrestling match for your wrestling show?
19:24 - So let me get this straight - Hogan was driving AWAY from the iMPACT Zone for 15 minutes, then turned the car around and made it back to the arena in 4 minutes?? What the fuck is this shit?
21:31 - FUCK YEAH DESMOND WOLFE GETS A MATCH! Please be Joe please be Joe please be Joe
21:42 - Oh no, he's just going to be putting RVD over. FFS. At least it's a title shot I guess.
22:03 - Monster's Ball on iMPACT? Nice :)
22:36 - 3 way tag match...also nice :)
23:00 - Ok, they're putting together a decent show - but why the hell did they waste 20+ mins on drama when they could have gone right into it?
24:04 - Did Velvet get new implants? Tits seem bigger than usual.
24:44 - Yay, Douggie :)
26:07 - Yay, Jesse :)
26:33 - Countdown to Morgan commencing...
27:51 - Whoomp there it is
27:56 - HOLY SHIT FLYING FOOTSTOMP he looked like he actually stomped his head
30:21 - Was that Jesse's first pin? Awww, they grow up so fast :3
30:56 - JOE JOE JOE JOE
31:39 - FUCK YEAH MUSCLE BUSTER
32:07 - He's got the mic! TELL 'EM, JOE
32:17 - Best promo ever :D FUCK YEAH JOE
38:00 - As bored as I am of Mr Anderson...the choirboy outfit is hilarious.
46:05 - Oh wow, comedy pants. What an amazing gimmick. Anderson is truly awesome.
46:49 - Knockouts - fast forwarding.
53:15 - Awesomeness incoming.
57:52 - Sigh. Hall & Nash. Good match ruined by old men who haven't been relevant in years. Again.
58:51 - Woo, Eric Young in The Band! Finally, they have someone worth mentioning. I hope he's the leader.
60:11 - The O Zone. I'll check it out this week, but I have a sneaky suspicion this is the future star of fast forwarding.
63:48 - Oh, hopefully it's a one-off.
65:15 - Monsters Ball :D
65:42 - I keep hearing AJ's music and being like - Yay, AJ :D Then I remember the stupid highlights, the ridiculous earrings, and the fact that Flair is never far behind, and I'm like - Oh. Yeah. :(
71:14 - AJ wins fair and square :)
71:58 - Desmond v RVD. Lets go Desmond *clap clap clap clap*
72:39 - I like RVD, but it's starting to annoy me how much TNA *want* me to like him.
76:00 - Disappointing match. Dissapointingly short too.
77:45 - Tenay just hit the nail on the head. WCW was over a decade ago. Which is EXACTLY FUCKING WHY they shouldn't be shortening a potentially amazing match to see two old men talk to each other about something nobody gives a fuck about any more.
79:19 - Everyone's been anticipating this for months? Are you fucking mad? NOBODY CARES, WE WANT WRESTLING
83:39 - DO IT STING
84:12 - This iMPACT was like a bacon, turkey, stuffing and mayonaise sandwich, made with the cheapest brown bread available. The middle was fucking awesome, but the stuff either side of it was substandard. Fire Russo. Fire Bishoff.

Monday night wars, revisited.

In the mid-90s, WCW Nitro went head to head with Raw to creative one of the electrifying eras in mainstream wrestling history. With Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan coming to TNA, they thought that the business hadn't changed, they thought that they could take a large indy wrestling company and go head to head with Raw. On March 8th, TNA moved to Mondays. With poor ratings and the roster shuffling more than a terrorist in an airport, the revised Monday night wars went down with WWE barely breaking a sweat. It was like a well-liked kid in school, being told by some popular ex-students (who no one really gives a shit about anymore) that he could be the most popular. Instead of letting people warm to him slowly, he goes up to the most popular kid in school and taps him on the shoulder. The popular kid ignores him. The kid starts shouting and ranting at the most popular kid. The people who like him are confused, and people who didn't know him didn't get what people saw in him in the first place and everyone starts to ignore him.

I've said it before that TNA should think about making TNA a great company and strive to be the best it can as a unique product and not to try and compete with a rival when a lot of fans enjoy both products. By putting TNA on Mondays, Hogan et al shot themselves in the foot and have now got to run back to Thursdays with their tails between their legs. The fact is that America is obsessed with ratings, and it these ratings which directly affect advertising revenues and the willingness of a network to show them. So Raw is on the same time as TNA, fans will just download it, probably from a torrent site and not have to watch any adverts.

Anyway, announced on TNAwrestling.com is the news that on May 13th, TNA will be moving back to Thursday night. A decision which was made by Spike and is purely about ratings and revenue. Here's how it was spun on the site:

“Our fans made it clear that they preferred the Thursday night time period. By moving to Thursdays,” this is a win/win opportunity for both TNA and the fans. We are looking forward to delivering what the fans are asking for!" - Hmmm, I suppose it's not a good move for a company to admit that they did something stupid.

- Socko

Worst Matches Ever! Part One: Hogan vs Warrior, WCW Halloween Havoc 1998

Like the BBC, here at Socko's Review, we like to educate and entertain. Today, we have a history lesson. As part of an irregular series, Socko's Review brings you the worst wrestling matches of all time. Today we have Hulk Hogan vesus the Ultimate Warrior, a match 8 years in the making, and boy did they disappoint. The phrase train-wreck gets banded around far too often these days, but if you were looking for a match to show wrestlers how not to do it, this would be it. To pick the worst moment is almost impossible, simply because there are so many. Was it when Hogan tried to throw a fireball in Warriors face, only to see the lit bit of cloth harmlessly fall to the ground? Was it the fact that you see about 3 moves and that most of the match was made up of Hogan and Warrior holding hands? Is it when Hogan says: "I'm killing you!" and Warrior responds: "You're killing me!"? What about when Hogan trips over the ref? Or perhaps it was the fact that this piece of shit would be Warrior's final match in WCW?

The feud began with Hogan bragging that nobody could beat him, looking like a bouncer outside of gay club, Hogan and his nWo buddies sell their fear as Warrior makes his WCW debut. Hogan offers Warrior a place in the nWo, Warrior refuses. At this point, Warrior's still got it on the mic and doesn't allow things like grammar or syntax to get in the way of their "epical battle" - whatever that is:





After months of head-fucking on Warrior's part, we have one of the lamest matches in the history of professional wrestling.
Even before the match, the warning signs were there. In a promo, we see Hogan and Bischoff in Hogan's dressing room with Hogan looking in the mirror, who is there? The Warrior! Spooky shit, Bischoff can't see him and there's no one else in the room, this is some freaky shit right there.

Pre-match:


The match begins, and from the start cracks begin to show. Petty taunts and dull moves go on for what seems like an eternity. There are some bits in the match where Hogan goes "haw haw haw", laughing like a badly dubbed kung-fu master.
Let's look at the fireball incident, which had me in stitches the first time I saw it. You have Hogan, bent over for almost a minute trying to light the thing. What does Warrior do, does he try and fight Hogan, maybe wrestle the lighter out of Hogan's hand? No, he waits; he stands there like a tool waiting to get a fireball thrown in his face. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that this sort of stuff is planned in advance. but as a performer, if things aren't going right, you improvise. You don't stand there going 'der, what now boss?' like some cartoon thicksicle.
The moves in this match are pretty lame. If you can imagine a match made up mainly with arm-bars, clotheslines, chokes and bad taunts then you're kind of on your way to understanding how bad this match is. Now, imagine if most of these moves were executed so badly that it was rare to see any of the moves actually connect.
There are so many weird moments in this match where Hogan and Warrior just seem to be jumping around and doing strange hulking up actions. Complete bullshit.
Then Hogan trips on the ref and then almost hits him with a few knee drops and Big Show enters and takes Warrior out. With some weird running around and rolling about on the canvas the match culminates with Horace (yes, Horace) Hogan and Bischoff coming to assist. Bischoff chokes the ref and Horace gets Warrior with the steel chair. Hogan pins for the win.

Part One:


Part Two:


Part Three:




Warrior shows his face for one last microphone wrestle on WCW Nitro. You wannder why WCW folded shortly after this?

TNA's new ranking system.

This week's TNA wasn't as good as last weeks, it has to be said. I think the main thing about Hogan that gets on my nerves is that by wasting time talking about how great TNA is and how they've got momentum, etc. ironically, by doing this it makes TNA lose that momentum and makes it look like a kid showing off about how fast his new bike can go the proceeds to fall off it.
Hogan was joined by a rather wasted RVD. Hogan then kissed RVD's arse so hard that he should have just got a room and got it out of his system.
The most interesting part was Bischoff revealing the new ranking system. The ranking system is based on fans voting for the star that they want to see as the number one contender. It's not a bad system as it goes with the fan's favourite, but at the same time could backfire. Think about it, the bullshit produced on X Factor ends up being the most popular song when it comes out. Popularity does not equal quality. My prediction is that Jeff Hardy will be number one contender, though my vote has gone for Desmond Wolfe (close call between him and Anderson). The ranking system in ROH is the best one, because you can see how wrestlers rise up the ranks and it makes each match have more at stake than a simple feud/grudge match.





Notice there is no Samoa Joe or Doug Williams on here.
So with the number one contender slot going to an internet vote, why not just have the same thing for the champion? Each week the champion could be decided by an internet poll. This would save all the bother with wrestling, and the contenders can just do promos telling us why they should be champion. Bischoff, you've done it again!

The new improved TNA?

I think the question mark gives it away on this. TNA, for me, has been the most interesting and innovative wrestling company over past couple of years (Russo aside). With stars like AJ Styles, Joe and Sheik Abdul Bashir (RIP), TNA have proved themselves to be a forward-looking company. So fair enough, they may have recruited a few washed-up wrestlers who have long since had their day (Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, Booker T., etc.), but nothing could prepare me for the dullness of Hulkamania going wild all over me.
I grew up on wrestling in the 90s, when WCW was the most dominant force in wrestling, for a while, and ECW was out there smacking things up with steel chairs and beer bottles (real ones) and WWF (yes, F) had some of the greatest microphone wrestlers of all time. In the days before 'sports entertainment' I still thought Hulk Hogan was an arrogant arse. I'll back peddle a moment, the Hulkster did a hell of a lot for the idustry and NWO was pretty cool at first, that can't be denied, but, there's still this aching feeling that he's a complete cretin and only got where he was because Snuka wasn't a very good microphone wrestler. His in ring wrestling is mediocre at best and when he does that funny strainy arm thing, I was always worried that poo would suddenly pop out.
Hulk Hogan is a parody of what wrestling was, and to be fair to him, he noticed that TNA was the future of wrestling - mark my words that this will no longer be the case when Hogan and Sleazy E come in and bring all their shit friends along. With its mix of hardcore, high-risk and traditional wrestling, with its six-sided squared-circle and its plethora of unique talent, TNA was indeed the future. Then Hulk came along and messed it up for everyone.
TNA is on the verge of becoming the same kind of parody of wrestling that Hogan is, or even worse it will end up like WCW (in face, I hear that David Arquette is number one contender now). He's got rid of the six-sides, and wait for it, in a big statement of innovation and 'change', installed the tried and test four-sided six-sided squared-circle (can you imagine that level of innovation with your puny non-Hoganesque minds; of course you can't), in order to move forward and distinguish yourself from the competition I thought that you should, erm, move forward and try and distinguish yourself for the competition.
So maybe, I'm getting a bit bothered by the ring, who cares tight? It's all about the talent. And Hogan has brought some talent with him . Remember that guy who used to be Razor Ramone and looked like a date rapist? He's in. X-Pac, sorry Six Pac, is in, looking like a gay biker pirate. The nastiest boy's on the block are in. I'm pretty sure that the nastiness of these boys refers to their diet - they're a lot fatter than they used to be. They look like some sad bouncers who try and score with 17 year olds outside of lame bars in market towns up and down the country.
Oh, and they've got Jeff Hardy. But wait, wasn't Jeff Hardy world WWE champion only a year ago? Isn't he one of the biggest names in recent years in sports entertainment? Whatever, let's waste our time bigging up a guy who used to rip his t-shirt off 25 years ago.
My main worry about TNA is that Sleazy E and Hogan will try and relive the good ol' days of WCW vs Raw and move TNA to mondays in the US. This could spell disaster for TNA, trust me on this. WCW had a lot of money behind it which TNA does not, it shouldn't be trying to compete with WWE - TNA is not an alternative, it's just a additional product - it's doesn't need to be a case of either/or. The fact is that putting TNA on at the same time as Raw will only damage TNA. The viewers will still watch it by downloading it from a torrent site, but the TV viewing figures will suffer, which will mean less advertising revenue and will thus be perceived as a less-successful show.

What Hogan needs to realise is that growth and expansion are not ends in themselves, TNA will make more money in the long-run if they try not to expand too quickly and keep their core lines of income intact.

Is it best to compete, or just do your own thing well?

Here's an idea, and this might sound crazy, but instead of compete, why not work with WWE to create a better business, bringing stars across in an IWGP kind of way or even like the old US regional promotions used to. I remember when WWE let ECW onto Raw; it was awesome and great for the business as a whole.




Get with the programme TNA, Hulk Hogan and the Band is dragging you down.