Jeff and Matt Hardy shoot on CM Punk - An analysis

I came across this video on YouTube and decided to share it and add a bit of analysis. The video show Jeff and Matt Hardy shouting off about CM Punk. They both appear to be off their mash on ecstasy pipes... let’s take a look:



JH: What’s straight edge mean again? The first straight edge world heavyweight champion. I think Christian said it best... erm... CM Punk, I think you’re a nerd.

Ooh, big scary Jeff Hardy calling Punk a nerd! This is like when Michael Cole calls Danielson a nerd, it just comes across as really kiddie. I wonder if CM Punk is crying huge tears into his glass of Pepsi Raw? Crying until his tear-ducts burn because a drug-wreck called him a nerd... Crying like a child who’s been left in a supermarket... you can play by the escalators all you want kid, but your mum’s never coming back...

JH: I get cocky every now and then, say you pay to see me, you pay to see me, but... I made CM Punk a motherfucking superstar... and that’s a fact, Jack... and I went in like this {raises middle finger]... baaaaannng!

At this point Hardy has laid it all on the line, he made Punk into a superstar, a superstar who seems to have gained his fame from copulating with his mother. Hardy then makes reference to that time when he “went in like this” and all the sycophants that surround the Hardy’s went “ooooh” like they were eleven and someone said a swear near a teacher... “oooh... you’re naughty.” On a serious note, I’m not how one would go in like that, but it seems pretty creepy to me. “Baannng!”

JH: You can’t do that shit in your company anymore, but in this world [makes a triangle with hands], you can do it all we want to. You should follow me, you should listen to my preaching because it’s gonna get you through life; it’ll make you live life the right way.

From this, it would seem that Jeff Hardy believes that triangles are banned from the WWE. The reasons for this are not explained by Hardy, but one must assume that WWE fear lawsuits for the use of triangles (though they do have the rights to use the logically impossible square-circle). I think what Hardy is saying here is that if you follow Hardy, you will transcend geometry.

JH: Your way’s not the right way, brother. That’s what’s cool about planet Earth; we’re all different. If we were all like you, man, I would rather live on Pluto.

If we were all like CM Punk, then Jeff Hardy would rather live on a fictional cartoon dog? Now, I don’t want to come across as preachy, but if you’d rather live on a cartoon dog than in a world without drugs, then maybe it’s time to consider going straight. I’m not preaching, it’s just a suggestion.

JH: You [points to the cameraman], my friend, are way too cocky; inside and outside of the ring.

At this point I would like to know who is behind the camera? And why is the cameraman so cock inside the ring as well as outside? These questions are never answered.

JH: It’s kinda strange when you go up and see your homeboys at a show... you got guys like Undertaker coming up and saying “hey Jeff, how’re you doin’, man?” all these other guys going “hey Jeff, how’s it going for you, man, you alright?” [incomprehensible] CM never even say hello to me, never did, walk away [mumbles] I just leave [mumbles] fuck that guy.

Wow, Jeff Hardy is pissed off because someone who doesn’t like him at his old work place didn’t go over to him and pretend to like him. How insecure is this guy? I’ve worked at places and have hated people, that’s part of working in a place with other people in. He then descends into the mumbling grumpiness of an old wino, no doubt reaching down to can of Special Brew for a dirty swig once the camera cuts.

JH: I just have one message for CM Punk [raises both middle fingers], fuck you.

The way Hardy delivers his swears here reminds me of someone who has just learnt a naughty word and feels assured with himself that by its mere utterance, the recipient of said swear will not be able to fathom, nigh, comprehend a word of such power and magnitude.

JH: I made you the straight edge superstar that you are, and I still don’t believe that because I think you take Ambien to go to sleep motherfucker [laughs], that’s a prescription if you didn’t know it, so hey-woah.

So hey-woah, Mr Punk, you’ve been hey-woahed, baby. Whatcha gonna do now? I feel sorry for Punk: he’s been accused of having sex with his mother, of being banned from triangles, of making Jeff want to live on a cartoon dog, of taking prescription drugs; he’s been told to fuck him, and now, with the final nail, the final barb of poison, he’s been hey-woahed... Jeff, you’ve crossed a line.

We then cut to Mr Sleepy, AKA Fat “Matt” Hardy, who somehow manages to piece together these words of wisdom in the same way a retarded kid would piece together the entrails of dead bird, believing them to be a jigsaw puzzle.

MH: I have no idea what CM Punk’s deal is with Amy Dumas.

It’s pronounced dumb ass, dumb ass.

MH: But I do know [falls asleep......wakes up] he’s a very dramatic and very emotional. Anytime she finds herself in a tough spot, I’m the guy she calls.

... and this is why CM Punk is better than you.

Review: WWE Fatal Four-Way

With one of the worst titled pay per views I think I’ve ever heard, Fatal Four Way could easily be mistaken for the name of a gay porn film. This was an odd pay per view, the crowd throughout was flat and the matches were pretty mediocre.

The first match was Kofi Kingston versus Drew McIntyre for the Intercontinental title. This match was give far too much time, it was 17 minutes long, but felt like longer. Before the match began McIntyre called Teddy Long out to, erm, sit on a chair and watch the match so he would be there to present the title when McIntyre won. There were some pretty decent spots throughout the match, but nothing mind-blowing. The match culminated in a ref bump, with McIntyre in a position for a clean win. I learnt something watching this match which I did not realise previously: if you are a general manager, you have no referring privileges. However, if a referee shirt is forced on you, then suddenly you do. I hate to say it, but what the fuck? So with Kofi pinned, Long went in for the dramatic count... one... two... and he stopped, he just couldn’t tap three. Matt Hardy then did a run-in a knocked McIntyre down with a Twist of Fate to allow Kofi to get the win and retain the title. It seems odd though that a babyface would need the combination of a ref bump, a corrupt pin-count and a run-in to get the win... hmm...

Next up was a Divas match, fast forward...

Then we had a match between Evan Bourne and Chris Jericho, which for me was the match of the night. I’m pretty sure that over the last few weeks on Raw there wasn’t any mention or build up to this match whatsoever. When it comes to the WWE wrestlers, there aren’t that many who I particularly rate, but I think Evan Bourne is awesome in the ring and has a lot of potential. The match was as expected from these two, with Bourne doing a lot of high-flying moves and Jericho keeping him grounded for moves like the Boston Crab, erm, sorry, Walls of Jericho. Bourne pulled of his Air Bourne (geddit?) move, which is a 520 degree summersault to a splash, which Jericho countered with the Code Breaker (that looked pretty cool). The match was won when Bourne did his Air Bourne onto Jericho’s back for the pin. I’m hoping that this victory marks the start of a push for Bourne, who has spent most of WWE career on low-mid card slots. This was also one of the few matches of the night where the crowd actually reacted to what was going on in the ring.

Next up was the four-way match-up between CM Punk, Big Show, Rey Mysterio and Jack Swagger. This wasn’t a great match, but I was surprised by the result. With the push that Big Show had been getting of late, this seemed to be the obvious winner... I was wrong. The match was a pretty run-of-the-mill four-way match with most of wrestlers attempting stop each other getting the pin. The only cool move in this one was a three way suplex between Swagger, Punk and Big Show. Swagger looked out of his depth in this match though, falling down before getting hit, missing timings, etc. The match was interrupted by Kane, who brought out a coffin for some reason and tried to put Punk in it, but was stopped by Luke Gallows... which was odd, especially as nothing further came of it, all it did was keep Punk out of the ring for the finale. To end the match Mysterio got the 619 and a splash on Swagger to get the pin. I didn’t expect this, so even though it was a piss-poor match, at least I was surprised by the result.

Up next was the Miz versus R Truth for the American title. Miz came out and did a rap over Truth’s theme, which was hilarious, not because the lyrics were funny, but because Miz blatantly forgot his lines and just stood staring at the camera blankly for what seemed like an eternity before doing his ‘I’m awesome’ line... which of course, he isn’t. This match was a stinker, and the crowd we chanting ‘this is boring’...ouch! R Truth reminds me of the Ultimate Warrior, he’s got a great entrance, but once the wrestling starts people realise he’s not so great. The match was about 15 minutes long, and Miz and Truth had no chemistry in the ring, this was horrible to watch. Miz retained his title and no one cared.



Throughout the night, we had promos about the NXT guys maybe coming in and the WWE stars being ready for them, so as the final match arrived (a four way between Cena, Sheamus, Edge and Orton) you kind of knew what was coming. Again this match sucked. The NXT people came out and did exactly what they did when this angle first started and beat on Cena. I know I’ve not written anything about this angle, mainly because I wanted to see how it played out after the Danielson sacking, but when it first happened it was exciting and it was Danielson that made it with spitting in Cena’s face... but alas! The angle quickly became boring. But with all the chaos and the fact that the match was no-DQ, Sheamus jumped in a got the pin so he’s now the champion. What became apparent is that the WWE writers haven’t got a fucking clue how to develop this angle with the NXT guys, which is a shame, because it had so much promise. Just because the WWE has watered-down the violence, do they really need to do the same thing with story lines? Grrr... I’m finding WWE incredibly tedious to watch at the moment.

So with the PPV running ½ hour short of the usual, and with the bad bad matches and lame storytelling, you can’t help but feel a little short-changed. In the UK, we get most of the WWE PPVs except the big four on Sky Sports, so I feel really sorry for the American fans who’ve had to fork out for this inferior bullshit. This could well be the worst PPV I’ve seen from WWE.

WWE Raw, 19th April 2010.

Considering most of the Raw roster were stuck in Ireland because of a naughty volcano spewing smoke all over Europe and making people's cars slightly dusty, it was an excellent show. WWE pulled out all the stops and dragging in most of the Smackdown roster to make me excited about the prospect of the draft.
It opened with Mr Helmsley coming out to the ring and talking to the crowd only to be interrupted by CM Punk and SxE. Hunter and Punk microphone wrestled for quite a while and they were both on top form, with Triple H coming out with some classic lines. Punk made the mistake of trying to convert HHH to the Straight Edge Society without success. As Gallows and Sarena held the Celebral Assassin onto a steel chair, Punk advanced, hair clippers in hand. But wait, look! It's Rey Mysterio and he's not too happy and quickly grabs the clippers taking a chunk of Punk's hair with him - and boy was it a big chunk.
I'm sure I'll eat my words in a few weeks, but here's my prediction: Punk gets drawn to Raw and feuds with HH, the feud will be much better than the recent one with Mysterio and much better than Triple H's feud with the pale guy no-one gives a crap about. As I've said before, the laws of nature will not allow Rey Mysterio to lose against Punk, so Punk's going to be coming to Raw with a new haircut.
Anyway, the rest of the show was pretty decent. Matt Hardy and Drew MacIntire sucked as usual and the generic Russian character Boris somthing went into a match against... the guest host.
What I can make of the guest host 'MacGruber' is that he needs to sit in plagiarist's corner and stop trying to regurgitate songs from Team America and jokes from Anchor Man - the unoriginal prick.
With the jobbers out of the way (I don't care if Drew's got a title, he's still a jobber), it's time to focus on what I think was the main event of the evening (the actual main even was a six-man-tag with Punk on one side and Mysterio on the other, no awards for guessing which side won). The match in question was Jack Swagger vs The Undertaker; in the ring against 'taker, the all-American American looked like a main-eventer - he looked like a champion for the first time. The match wasn't exactly a classic, but it ranks up there as one of the finest non-PPV matches so far this year. Undertaker obviously won, but Swagger looked like a fighting champion, and that's what's important.
So, bring on the draft. I'd love to see Punk and the Undertaker on Raw and Orton on Smackdown - I'd also like to see WWE ununify (is that a word?) the tag-team belts and get a stronger tag-team division going.

Extreme rules this Sunday, bang bang!