TNA Slammiversary X - predictions

Bobby Roode versus Sting for the TNA World Heavyweight championship.

- I predict that Bobby Roode will win this match through shenanigans. Their last few matches were very good, so this will be a great main event.

Christopher Daniels and Kazarian versus A.J. Styles and Kurt Angle for the tag titles.

- I’m not sure who will win this match. You’d expect that this match would be the time for Kazarian and Daniels to get their comeuppance. However, it feels as though the story isn’t at the point of climax yet, so I will go with Daniels and Kaz to win.



Jeff Hardy versus Rob Van Dam versus Mr. Anderson – Winner becomes numbers one contender.

- I feel like I have seen this match, or a version of it, a dozen times. Honestly, I don’t want to see any of these three in the number one contender position. Has the potential to be a train-wreck match. I predict Jeff Hardy will win.



Joseph Park versus Bully Ray

- This may be the most intriguing match on the card. I can’t wait to see how this plays out, especially as Abyss has vowed to return. It would be great if Abyss does in fact have a brother, and that it really is him in the ring with Ray. I can see a strange ‘split personality’ angle coming, which might be horrible. Otherwise, I can Park being taken out on a stretcher after losing the match, for Abyss to run out and take out Ray... It’s very difficult to predict a winner on this one, but I’m going to go with Bully Ray.

Gail Kim versus Miss Tessmacher for the Knockouts title

- With another Brooke on TV, it seems that Tessmacher has been forced to go back to being Miss again. I predict Gail Kim will win.

Austin Aries versus Samoa Joe

- This has the potential to be a hell of a match. It would have made more sense if the X Division title was on the line, but hey. As it’s a non-title match, I can see Joe winning.

Devon and Garrett Bischoff versus Robbie E and Robbie T

- I’m quite convinced that no matter how hard they try, Garrett Bischoff will never get over as a babyface. This match will probably be horrible. Devon is by far the best worker in this match, but he can’t possibly carry three people. I predict Devon and Garrett will win.

Crimson has issued an open challenge to anyone

- This could be interesting, perhaps we will see the return of Joey Ryan, the debut of Chris Masters, or Christian in action (though I doubt the latter). If it is Chris Masters, I can see Crimson getting his first loss, but against anyone else, Crimson will win.



Kid Kash vs. Hernandez

- I’m not really sure what to make of this, but I assume Hernadez will win.



The first inductee into the TNA Hall of Fame

At present, this should only be one of three people: Jeff Jarrett, A.J. Styles or Sting. Judging by the A.J storyline, I doubt very much that it will be him. So Sting or Jarrett. Personally, I’d like to see Jarrett back (ideally with his MMA gimmick!). However, a more likely thing will be that Christian will be the one honoured - a great way to make TNA look like a second-tier company.

TNA Against All Odds - predictions revisted

This was not a good show. Jesse really hurt himself, and from what I can gather is in a pretty bad way: broken neck, can't feel legs. Next day on Raw we had Ryder in a goofy neck-brace, fuck you WWE.

Anyways, let's see how I did:

"TNA World Heavyweight Title Match
James Storm vs. Bully Ray vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Bobby Roode

This match feels like bad booking. This should be a three-way at most, TNA should hold off on Storm FFS.
I can see Roode holding on until Lockdown, will probably get a pin on Bully Ray. Some kind of ref bump will stop both Storm and Hardy from winning."

1-0 it was a pin on Hardy after bullshit with Sting.


"TNA Tag Team Title Match
Samoa Joe & Magnus vs. Matt Morgan & Crimson

The tag team division is on fire at the moment. It’s great to see the only teams in the tag division going against each other for about the 5th time in as many weeks. Based on the losses, I’d say Magnus and Joe to win. Probably with Magnus pinning Morgan. Just trying to think like Russo here."

2-0 Boring match, right team won... who's next?


"TNA X Division Title Match
Alex Sheley vs. Austin Aries

This should be a great match, and there’s no obvious choice. I think Shelley should probably get the strap, but using Russo logic, he’s not had enough losses to get the title. I predict Aries will retain here, but then Shelley will get a rematch on TV and win the belt there."

3-0 This was an awesome match, probably best match so far this year. Highlight of the show.

"TNA Knockouts Title Match
Tara vs. Gail Kim

This could be an okay match. I hate the way Tara always sets up for her moves too early, thus making it look staged (I know it is, but it should at least look like it’s fluid).
Kim will retain."

4-0 This match was okay, the ending made no sense (Kim worked on Tara's bad knee for a while and then hit with her finish).

#1 Contender's Match
Zema Ion vs. Jesse Sorensen
The X-Division really is in a shit state these days. I’ll go with Sorensen, he’s decent in the ring, Zema Ion is a bit of spot-monkey.

4-1 I was wrong, but under the circumstances I wish I wasn't. I've watched the replay a few times and I can't see that either guy fucked up, it was just a bad accident.

Garret Bischoff with Hulk Hogan vs. Gunner with Eric Bischoff
Just give up already. Send Garret to OVW for a year and let him learn how to wrestle. I predict a short match with Garret doing a dozen hip tosses and then getting screwed in some way. Gunner is better than this.

5-1 I was right about the hip tosses, there was arm-drags too! The match sucked and went on far too long. But Gunner won clean in the middle of the ring.

Kazarian vs. AJ Styles
Pointless feud, match should be pretty decent. AJ versus Daniels would be better, AJ in the main event would be even better.
Kaz will win with interference from Daniels.

6-1 Kaz won, the match was pretty flat, apart from the ending which was awesome.

On the whole, a mediocre PPV which had a really nasty injury and a terribly booked ending.

TNA: Against All Odds - predictions

TNA World Heavyweight Title Match
James Storm vs. Bully Ray vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Bobby Roode

This match feels like bad booking. This should be a three-way at most, TNA should hold off on Storm FFS.
I can see Roode holding on until Lockdown, will probably get a pin on Bully Ray. Some kind of ref bump will stop both Storm and Hardy from winning.


TNA Tag Team Title Match
Samoa Joe & Magnus vs. Matt Morgan & Crimson

The tag team division is on fire at the moment. It’s great to see the only teams in the tag division going against each other for about the 5th time in as many weeks. Based on the losses, I’d say Magnus and Joe to win. Probably with Magnus pinning Morgan. Just trying to think like Russo here.

TNA X Division Title Match
Alex Sheley vs. Austin Aries

This should be a great match, and there’s no obvious choice. I think Shelley should probably get the strap, but using Russo logic, he’s not had enough losses to get the title. I predict Aries will retain here, but then Shelley will get a rematch on TV and win the belt there.

TNA Knockouts Title Match
Tara vs. Gail Kim

This could be an okay match. I hate the way Tara always sets up for her moves too early, thus making it look staged (I know it is, but it should at least look like it’s fluid).
Kim will retain.

#1 Contender's Match
Zema Ion vs. Jesse Sorensen
The X-Division really is in a shit state these days. I’ll go with Sorensen, he’s decent in the ring, Zema Ion is a bit of spot-monkey.

Garret Bischoff with Hulk Hogan vs. Gunner with Eric Bischoff
Just give up already. Send Garret to OVW for a year and let him learn how to wrestle. I predict a short match with Garret doing a dozen hip tosses and then getting screwed in some way. Gunner is better than this.

Kazarian vs. AJ Styles
Pointless feud, match should be pretty decent. AJ versus Daniels would be better, AJ in the main event would be even better.
Kaz will win with interference from Daniels.

On the whole, not too much to get too excited about. The X Division title match should be good, apart from that, we’ll see.

TNA Sacrfice predictions revisited

It's time to look at the results for TNA's latest PPV and see how I did in the predictions game:

TNA World Heavyweight Championship
Rob Van Dam vs. Sting

“Eugh, I remember how bad their last one-on-one match was. Sting and RVD are both ‘veterans’ which means they are both clunky in the ring. Their styles don’t work well together, and I predict that this match will suck. Sting to win.”

Sting won, thus I win. No one won really though, as this match was pretty dull. As noted above, both these guys are pretty limited in what they can do, so this saw RVD taking a few stupid bumps on the concrete floor and smash his leg off a steel barricade. During the match Anderson was on commentary and boy did he suck. He chewed gum loudly and whined like a bitch – he added nothing to this match. Next PPV we have Sting versus Anderson – I’m already feeling sleepy.

Match rating: *


TNA World Tag Team Championship
Matt Hardy & Chris Harris vs. Beer Money

“Not sure how this one’s going to pan out – Beer Money are awesome and both Hardy and Harris have been awesome... but that was a few years ago... so who knows? Beer Money should win.”

This match was average. Beer Money were great, but Harris was by no means in ring-shape. Hardy worked really hard at the start of the match, but the crowd weren’t into it. I think TNA went into this one assuming that the crowd would be all over the AMW/Beer Money angle; but without much of a build and due to the fact that most of the audience probably weren’t watching TNA when AMW were rocking the set, there was no heat - even ending the match with AMW’s finish failed to stir the crowd. Perhaps if this match had occurred 3 years ago it would have worked... at least Beer Money won, which means I’m 2-0 up.
Match rating: **


TNA Knockouts Championship
Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James

“The stip in this match makes little sense if, like I, you try and follow a storyline. Essentially, Tara was fired from TNA, she was working as a toilet cleaner (or something equally menial), so Madison Rayne employed her as a personal assistant/bodyguard. Months went by and Tara ended up costing Mickie James a title, which Tera then gave to Rayne in a finger poke of death style pin... Mickie James is now saying that if she beats Rayne, she will give Tera her old job back... how? Since when does Mickie have to power to hire people? And why would Mickie want to help Tera anyway? It just doesn’t make sense.... Mickie to win.”

It was weird to see that Tera had been replaced by a Jerry Springer transvestite in this one – she looked really bad. The match was what it was, bloody awful. The match has been built on the premise that Tera wants to be free at last, free at last... but, in the promo before that match, Tera was torn, seemingly just so Russo could write in a swerve. The match ended with Tera getting Madison’s loaded glove and standing in the ring after a second ref bump... for a long time... she was torn as to what to do, just in case you didn’t realise. For a moment it looked like she was going to hit Mickie... but bang! Swerve city, she turns and hits Madison. Mickie retained and Tera’s no longer a white slave. 3-0 to me!

Rating: *


TNA X-Division Championship
Max Buck vs. Kazarian

“Kaz to win and Bucks to reform... should be one hell of match.”
This was a decent enough match, lots of crazy spots and one of the stupidest moves I’ve ever seen. Kaz nearly killed Buck by doing a Sunset Flip Powerbomb from the apron to the floor. This move is dangerous enough at the best of times, but Max Buck’s head smacked off of the concrete. This looked really bad, and, fair play to him he kept working and even kicked out of a pin... just a few months after the concussion storyline, I might add... Kaz got the win and finished with the Shining Wizard, which is always a fun move. One the whole this was a pretty decent match, which felt a bit too choreographed at points. 4-0, I’m hating that I’m thinking like Russo.

Match rating: ***

Kurt Angle & Chyna vs. Jeff Jarrett & Karen Jarrett

“Who cares anymore? Chyna came out looking like Michael Jackson, Kurt Angle’s been beaten by Jarrett over and over since last year... I presume that Chyna get the pin on Karen for the victory. It will be a decent match whilst Kurt and Jarrett are in the ring, but then it will suck when the women tag in...”

I thought that the booking of this match was surprisingly good. Jeff and Kurt worked most of this one. Chyna looked like Michael Jackson and, luckily, her and Karen were only in the match for the finish. There was a bit of dumb moment in this match where Angle tagged Chyna, the announcers noted that it was a mixed tag match, so if one person tagged out, both sides had to switch. This didn’t happen. Chyna came in the ring, Karen didn’t and then Jeff and Kurt carried on. The announcers then explained that Jeff was the legal man, so that was fine... erm, no he wasn’t. The finish came with Chyna giving the worst slam I’ve ever seen to Jeff and then putting Karen in the ankle lock. Angle held Karen’s hand so she couldn’t tap, because in order to submit in a match now you have to physically tap (so stupid)... aside from some stupidity, this was a great mixed tag match. I even guessed who got the win. 5-0

Match rating: ***


AJ Styles vs. Tommy Dreamer

“This could be a decent enough match... I’m predicting a win by Dreamer, but due to interference from Bubba... that makes logical sense to me, so it’s very unlikely to happen.”

Yes and yes. I’m reaching Goldberg levels of streakery here. This match was pretty dull. AJ looked pretty good, but Dreamer kind of hobbled around a bit and finished with the worst looking Piledriver ever after Bubba interfered and hit AJ with a chain. Bubba’s promo before this match was truly awesome, Bubba is the best heel in mainstream wrestling bar none. 6-0

Match rating: **

Mexican America vs. Ink, Inc.

“This will probably be an okay match, I quite like some of the stuff Ink Inc do, but Shannon Moore is nothing without the rest of 3 Count. I presume that Mexicool, or whatever they’re called will get the win.”

This match sucked. Shannon Moore did some cool stuff in this, but it wasn’t enough. Mex-Pac isn’t ready to be on TV, and Hernadez is nothing without Homicide. But, I picked the winner... thus I win. 7-0
Match rating: ½


Abyss vs. Crimson

“Crimson’s going to kill you... if Crimson doesn’t fuck Abyss up... well...”
This would have been a great match if it went on for 3-4 minutes rather than 10. The match was pretty dull. The best part about this was actually Abyss’s (babyface) promo he gave before the match, really intense. 8-0... this is getting awkward now.

Match rating: *½

Robbie E. vs. Brian Kendrick

“Wow, this feud has been building up for months, I can’t wait to see these guys finally get in the ring together... okay, where has this match come from, and why should anybody PAY for this match? No build whatsoever... I’m sure Kendrick will do some pretty cool spots, but Robbie E is awful... I want Kendrick to win, but that’s very unlikely... screw it, Kendrick to win...”

Kendrick’s robe makes him look like he’s in the KKK. Robbie E = bad Zack Ryder. This match is a great example of a clash of styles. Kendrick was all over the top ropes, lots of high-flying moves; Robbie was doing his kick kick punch punch thing. What was strange about this match is the fact the Kendrick’s first strike was a dropkick, and so was his finisher. 9-0.
Match rating: *½

On the whole this was a sub-par PPV. There were a couple of half-decent matches punctuated by bad ones.
I predicted the results of all of these matches, which probably makes me some kind of psychic master. I have the ability to see through logic ... I am Vince Russo.*

*disclaimer - I am not Vince Russo.

TNA predictions revisited

I've watched Lockdown, and it was a mixed bag, but overall quite enjoyable.
"
LOCKDOWN CAGE MATCH TNA WORLD TITLE
Mr. Anderson vs. champion "The Icon" Sting vs. RVD

Yawn, I don't want to see RVD and Anderson in the ring together ever again. This will be a shit match. Hope Sting retains."

Short and sweet, mediocre match. Sting retained. Most of the stuff in the this match seemed to be double finishers... double Mic Check... double Scorpion Death Drop... double Scorpion Death Lock (this was possibly the gayest looking move ever).


"LETHAL LOCKDOWN CAGE MATCH
Immortal vs. Fortune

The usual Wargames match, the feud has kind of fizzled out over the last month or so, and it will be the usual hot-spot cluster-fuck we get at every Lockdown. Fortune will win."

This was a decent Lethal Lockdown, really entertaining, AJ returned, all good.
Daniels did a crazy jump from the cage that was captured beautifully... Matt Hardy did the same just as the camera was cutting away. Let's hope he's not injured...


"LOCKDOWN CAGE MATCH
Jeff Jarrett vs. Kurt Angle

This is the match I'm looking forward to. It's the same stip as the Wolfe/Angle match... can't wait to see Angle kick Jarrett's ass."

Jarrett won, but it was great match. Angle is nuts, he took some crazy bumps in this and look like he nearly killed himself when getting powerbombed from the top rope and over rolling. Scary shit. Also, I'm pretty sure that Angle hit Jarrett with an RKO - probably because Orton did an Angle Slam at Mania.


"LOCKDOWN CAGE MATCH
Mickie James vs. champion Madison Rayne
(Mickie's Hair vs. Madison's Knockouts Title)

Who cares? Mickie will win"

The entrance music was longer than the match. Mickie won, but her arm looked pretty fucked.


"LOCKDOWN CAGE MATCH
Hernandez vs. Matt Morgan

Really? Is this feud still going on? I'm not even going to guess on this one I hate it so much."

Morgan won, and for a match between these two, it wasn't totally awful.


"LOCKDOWN CAGE MATCH
The Pope vs. Samoa Joe

Shit feud, potentially good match. Joe deserves better than he's been booked over the last couple of years. Joe to win."

Pretty decent match, loved seeing Pope getting a couple of muscle-busters... didn't like seeing Pope's bare ass... AND JOE WON CLEAN.


"LOCKDOWN CAGE MATCH
The X Division Xscape Match

This should be fun, Chris Sabin to win."

This was a pretty confusing match, lots of spots, Bucks look great, little Buck won.

"LOCKDOWN CAGE MATCH
Ink Inc vs. Crimson/Steiner vs. Jordan/Young vs. Magnus/Williams

Come on Brits!"

Steiner made this match pretty deent by a whole bunch of suplexes, apart from that, it was pretty forgettable. Ink Inc won.


This wasn't a bad PPV, a couple of matches stood out, but there was a real disconnect with the crowd, not sure whether is was poor acoustics or something, but they sounded dead.

TNA Against All Odds - predictions

It’s that time again for my predictions for Against All Odds. Before I go into this, I want to say a few things about the build-up to this. They 2.0 is probably the best thing that could have happened to TNA, as They 2.0 was meant to be the Main Event Mafia. This would have sucked, Nash and Sting can’t go anymore, so it would have just resulted in bad matches. Also Immortal, as a faction was far too big, and stunk of NWO bullshit. Also, Beer Money and AJ make better babyfaces, so there is hope that things will start to go well...

Only 2 of the titles are up for grabs in this PPV, which I consider to be a good thing because it gives the belts more value if they aren’t up for grabs at any given opportunity (though there was a World Heavyweight Championship match on last Impact, so I’m talking out of my arse a bit). What I find interesting is that when RVD got Janiced, he had the strap tore off him quicker than a mouldy plaster, Abyss gets Janiced and he still gets to hold on to the TV title? Bullshit. Anyway, let’s do this.


-- TNA World Hvt. champion Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy in a ladder match for the TNA World Title.
Depending on how much Jeff Hardy can be arsed, this could be a pretty decent match, but in all likelihood will be over-booked and needlessly complicated. I think Anderson will keep the strap, Anderson is the lesser of two evils in this scenario.


-- Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Jarrett.
This match will be great, the build-up has been a mixed bag; I’m really not a fan of the soap opera elements. I thought the MMA Jarrett was a great gimmick, though I really can’t be doing with a worked fight. If the storyline had continued and Kurt just wanted to prove he could kick Jarrett’s ass without bring Karen and their kids into it, I would be marking out for this one. Why can’t they just have a straight match with no stipulations and no bullshit?
This match will clearly end with some kind of screwjob/DQ with Jarrett getting the victory.


-- Bully Ray vs. Brother Devon in a Street Fight.
This is where the bad booking comes into play. The idea of being against the odds plays into this one because it is essentially a handicap match with Devon’s two son’s being in Devon’s corner. So we have a 3-on-1 street fight with the heel working against the odds... we can’t cheer for the babyfaces because they’ve got an unfair advantage, and the heel is a heel... This match would have been 20 times better were it just a bog-standard street-fight, now it’s hard to get behind Devon... idiotic booking... also, because this is TNA Devon will either get DQed or counted out... in a street fight...



-- Samoa Joe vs. The Pope D'Angelo Dinero.
This might be the first PPV match Joe has been in since he was kidnapped by ninjas, and the feud has made very little sense. As far as I can gather Joe has hired Okada to follow and film Pope, Pope has turned heel and might be involved in dog-fighting, Pope then called Joe fat... erm, I think that pretty much covers it.
I don’t rate Pope in the ring, but it will be great to see Joe back in the ring. If Joe jobs for Pope I’ll be pissed. Joe to win.


-- Rob Van Dam vs. Matt Hardy.
If this match is 20 times better than the last RVD/Fat Lardy match it will still be shit, so I don’t hold up much hope for anything decent coming from this one. Though RVD is meant to be a babyface, his arrogance and his lacklustre performances have made me really dislike him, as for Lardy, I really couldn’t give a shit and so do not care about this match in the slightest.
Flip a coin, RVD to win.


-- Knockouts champion Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James in a Last Knockout Standing match for the Knockouts Title.
By my reckoning, this will be Madison Rayne’s fourth or fifth solo match in TNA, and she has been KO champ for months now. What a joke. Mickie to win, at least she can go.


-- Scott Steiner & Beer Money vs. Gunner & Murphy & Rob Terry.
Is this match real? This match would be fine on Impact, but on PPV? Security guards and Terroid in a PPV? Jeez, no wonder people aren’t buying PPVs anymore. It will be the dumbest thing in the world for Beer Money and Steiner to job for Terroid et al, so I’ll have to go with Terroid et al for the win.

-- Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck vs. Robbie E. in a #1 contender match to the X Division Title.
AGAIN, what could have been a decent match is ruined by careless booking. The Young Bucks will obviously work together, they are heels after all, thus rendering it, for all intents and purposes, a handicap match... who’s our plucky babyface who’s going to win, who’s going to beat the odds and win through his heart and intestinal fortitude? Why Robbie E of course... not only is this guy a heel, but he has X-Pac heat, the fans genuinely hate him; they hate his gimmicks, his look, and his style is very middle of the road WWE style... kick, kick, punch, punch, signature slam, win... The Bucks are way more over than Robbie will ever be... and Robbie E will blatantly win and go on to beat Kaz... thus rendering the token gesture of injecting new life into the X-Division as being a completely pointless exercise.

On the whole, this PPV will be pretty bad. The standout will be Jarrett versus Kurt, with Pope versus Joe and Hardy versus Anderson having potential...

Review: WWE Hell in a Cell

Hell in a Cell matches are up there with I Quit matches and ladder matches as my favourite type of matches. Unlike the traditional cage match, the Hell in a Cell has become synonymous with brutality and career-shortening matches. In the spirit of every other PPV put out by WWE these days, the PPV was named after the gimmick – Hell in a Cell. I was hoping that all of the matches would be cell matches (even the submissions count anywhere match), but there were only two.

Match one: USA Championship, submissions count anywhere.
The Miz versus Bryan Danilson (c) versus John Morrison.

When this match started, I was disappointed that a) there was no cell, and b) that this was the first match. I was hoping that it would be higher up on the card and climax on top the cage, but no such luck. The booking for this match was odd; I don’t think that anyone has had Miz or Morrison down as a submission wrestler before this. Indeed, over the past few weeks on Raw they have been showcasing Morrison’s free-running skills. Saying this though, Morrison used a pretty cool looking Reverse Tarantula on the Miz pretty early on, this transitioned into Bryan applying the Cattle Mutilation. The Cattle Mutilation was correctly identified by Stryker, which led to Cole taking the piss out of the move name. This was then broken up by a Twisting Moonsault from the top by Morrison, a move which looks as awesome as it is pointless.
The match moved into the audience with Morrison getting in an Arm Breaker. He then put Danielson on a kind of box thing and pushed it into the ramp. There was a bit of back and forth between Danielson and the Miz whilst Morrison climbed up to the lighting truss and did a Cross Body from about 20ft in the air. The drop looked cool, but because Morrison was caught so nicely by Miz and Danielson, it was probably one of the safest spots of the match. Morrison applied a Texas Cloverleaf onto Danielson on the entrance ramp. It was at this point that Alex Riley got involved tossing Morrison away, this allowed Danielson to hook in the LeBelle Lock onto Miz, with the Miz doing a great selling job before tapping out. Cole even admitted that Danielson was the real deal.
On the whole this was a very good match, but it would have been much better had it been the Miz versus Danielson in and atop of the cell.
Match rating ***½


Match two: WWE Championship, Hell in a Cell match
Randy Orton (c) versus Sheamus

At over 25 minutes, this match was far too long. The crowd were flat, there were large chunks of the match which were boring, and a number of spots which seemed pointless. The match started with a collar and elbow tie up which went on for far too long. They went outside of the ring, Orton hit Sheamus with the steel steps and went back into the ring for the two-count. Throughout the match Orton teased the RKO (remember, if he hits the RKO, it’s all over) a few times and knocked Sheamus for a couple of near-falls. Sheamus brought the steps into the centre of the ring and many of the moves for the rest of the match utilised the steps in some way. There was a nasty looking spot where Orton Scoop Slammed Sheamus onto the steps for a two-count.
One of the dumbest part of this match occurred when Sheamus gave a Backbreaker on to his knee whilst standing on the steps. Using wrestling logic, I would assume that having the steel beneath his feet made the Backbreaker more powerful, erm, or something.
This match really dipped for about 10 minutes, with a lot of back-and-forth kicks and punches going on. The matched climaxed with Sheamus trying to give the High Cross/Razor’s Edge from the steps. Luckily, and thank goodness, Randy Orton countered and hit the Arrrrr Kaaaaayyy Ohhhhhh!!! With the magical move being hit, Orton got the pin and retained the title.
Match Rating: **½


After the match we had a small promo advertising the next PPV, Bragging Rights. Here we had a great WCW moment. With the possibility that the Nexus would be forced to dissolve later that evening, the graphic for the next PPV had the Smackdown versus Raw logo, with the Nexus ‘N’ quite prominent in the graphic. Essentially, WWE gave the results of Wade/Cena match later that night. FFS WWE.


Match Three: Edge versus Jack Swagger

This match seemed to come from nowhere. It began with a promo between Alberto Del Rio, Edge and Jack Swagger. The promo was interrupted by the Raw GM noise (what jurisdiction the Raw GM has over Smackdown guys on a PPV seems a little inconsistent to say the least), with the GM stating that it would be a match between Swagger and Edge, Del Rio skulked off at this point.
The match wasn’t bad, but the crowd really didn’t get into it at all. The crowd reaction was so flat that even the announcers tried to make excuses for them with King noting that the crowd are enjoying watching these guys beat each other up because they are both bad guys, with Stryker adding that crowd was recovering from the last match... yeah right.
Every time I see Jack Swagger wrestle, he seems to have added another of Kurt Angle’s moves to his repertoire. In this match we saw him do the Angle spot where he runs and throws his opponent from the top rope.
The match climaxed with Swagger getting Edge with the Gut-Wrench Powerbomb, and Edge getting the Spear for the win. The in-ring stuff in this match was pretty decent, Edge and Swagger work well together, but without any build-up the crowd really didn’t give a shit, which made the match feel dull and lifeless.
Match rating: **


Match four: John Cena versus Wade Barrett

Much of the drama of this match was diminished from the outside by the aforementioned WCW moment, FFS WWE. On the whole, this was a solid match, Cena and Barrett put on an excellent performance. Early on this match, Cena had Barrett upon his shoulders for the Attitude Adjustment, when Nexus came down the ramp to ring-side. It seems that ‘interference’ must be defined as physically attacking John Cena, this did not happen and Barrett confronted the Nexus. I was hoping at this point that the rest of the Nexus would attack Barrett, therefore disqualifying Cena, but WWE didn’t think to do this, because the match carried on with the Nexi at ringside. The WWE baby-faces then came down to the ring to beat down on Nexus and everyone left.
The crowd were pretty hot for this match, especially when Barrett kicked out of a top-rope Leg Drop and the AA, and Cena kicked out of Wasteland. The climax of the match came when Cena had the STFU locked in and Michael McGillicuddy ran in only to be tackled by the ref. Husky Harris then ran out of the crowd and hit Cena with a weapon whilst the ref’s attention was still on McGillicuddy, Cena was then pinned for the win. During the climax of the match, King and Cole were making out that the guys who came to ring were ‘fans’, though it was really obvious who they were.
I think that the highlight of this match was after the match had finished and the camera cut to some members of the crowd in complete shock. Children and adults alike were in absolute disbelief; I don’t think I’ve seen anything like this since Hogan lost at Wrestlemania VI. Love him or hate him (or as I do, not really give a crap either way), this was a pivotal moment in Cena’s career and probably the WWE for at least the next few months. The repercussions of this match are more important than the match itself, let’s see how WWE play this one.
Match rating: ****


Match five: Divas


Match six: World Heavyweight Championship, Hell in a Cell
Undertaker versus Kane (c)

Hmm, you may as well read my review of the same match for Night of Champions. Watching two old guys relive a feud from over a decade ago using the same move set as each other doesn’t make for interesting TV, especially as Undertaker is clearly hurting these days.
The match had one of the most contrived moments I’ve seen on WWE in years, Taker signalled that it was time to finish and there was a crash of lightning and the lights went out for a moment. Paul Bearer came in with the urn, and just as I was making a joke about green smoke and the urn shenanigans of years past, the urn suddenly flashed and blinded taker allowing Kane to get the win.
I hope to God that this feud is now dead and buried (geddit?).
Match rating *½.


On the whole this was a pretty mediocre PPV which was saved by two matches. The US Championship and the Barrett versus Cena match were the highlights. With WWE advertising Bragging Rights with the Nexus logo on the graphics ruining the impact of Cena losing, the reaction of the crowd meant that it was still a decent match.
PPV rating: ***

Review: WWE Night of Champions

It’s WWE Night of Champions where all 7 titles are up for grabs. I’ve not been following Smackdown, but for the Raw titles, I wanted Danielson to make the Miz tap like a baby and I wanted Wade Barrett to take home the gold.

Let’s do this.

Match one: Intercontinental Championship. Dolph Ziggler versus Kofi Kingstone

As you’d expect this was a solid match, they went through each other’s move set. There was no shenanigans, it was pretty much a clean win with Ziggler getting the Zig Zag. Every time I see Ziggler, he looks more and more like Jeff Jarrett, I keep expecting him to come down to the ring with guitar in hand.
Match rating: ***

Match two: Big Show versus CM Punk

I’m a big fan of CM Punk; the guy is awesome on the mic and amazing in the ring. It has to be said that I’m not a big enough fan to watch Smackdown though. Bring him over to Raw so he can feud with Cena or something. Anyway, this was the second match of Night of Champions, but for some reason it wasn’t a title match. Very bizarre. Before the match Punk came down to the ring and got a real hometown pop from the crowd. Punk did an “I love Chicago” bit then started laying into its residents – this was brilliant.
Luckily this was a pretty short match, it was also pretty dull. Big Show did his usual ‘giant’ thing and tackled Punk to give him his ‘Big Right Hand’. I always thought that a closed fist was grounds for a DQ in wrestling, but I suppose if it has a name then that’s okay... hmm...
Match rating: **

Match three: US title. Bryan Danielson versus the Miz

This match was great. Perfect length, fast-paced, some great submissions, great drama. Miz lost by tapping out and cried like a bitch at the end. I can’t emphasise how much I enjoyed this match and was genuinely happy to see Danielson get the title after all the bullshit of Chokegate (it’s a controversy, you have to put gate at the end, so shut the fuck up). I’m sure this will make it into my top ten matches of the year.
Match rating: ****½

Between the matches there was a great promo by Cena where he seemed to be taking the piss out of all the percentage talk you get on these kind of matches. Just watch it on YouTube if you’ve not seen it.

Match four: Divas... Lumberjills?

Match five: World Heavyweight Championship. Undertaker versus Kane.

This match went on for nearly 20 minutes and bored the hell out of me. Two big, slow guys (one who can barely walk these days); trying to recapture something that had gotten old over a decade ago. Pointless match, which was really painful to watch. I felt really sorry for Taker watching this; he’s just past it now and he’s clearly hurting. They both worked really hard, but it just didn’t feel good.
Kane retained the title, woo.
Match rating: *½

Match six: Tag titles: tag team turmoil.

This was basically a gauntlet match between pretty much all of the tag teams, including, erm, Mark Henry and Evan Bourne. This match was a waste of time, it was dull as hell.
Match rating: *

Match seven: Six pack challenge.

This was a mixed bag. Going into this match I thought that Wade Barrett would be next champion. Even though Randy Orton had been given a massive babyface push over the past few months, I thought him winning would be far too obvious... it was. This being said, there were some surprises: Jericho got eliminated with about a minute, Barrett eliminated Cena, Cena went mental on the Nexus guys with a steel chair. But, unsurprisingly, Orton got the win with the, you guessed it, the RKO. Eugh, I really can’t stand the “if he hits that move, it’s all over” approach, and I really don’t get what people see in Orton.
So with Orton the new champ, I was waiting for the Miz to cash in the Money in the Bank case... didn’t happen. I’m sure it will happen at Hell in a Cell when Orton/Sheamus will no doubt have a rematch... but Miz will lose.
Match rating: ***

Overall this was a solid PPV, there were a few surprises, but nothing major. The Miz and Danielson match was by far the highlight.

PPV rating: ***½

Review: WWE Summerslam 2010

Coming into Summerslam, there weren’t really any matches which I was particularly excited about seeing. I was interested to see how the Nexsus angle would pan out during this one, but wasn’t particularly excited about seeing Bret Hart in the ring again. Let’s get to it.

The first match was Kofi Kingston versus Dolph Ziggler for the Intercontinental title. The match wasn’t bad, Kofi and Dolph work pretty well together. We had a Suicide Dive from Kofi straight into the guard rail as Ziggle was pulled out of the way by Vicky Guerrero. Kofi hit a shockingly bad Thesz Press, and did some pretty lame spots. Just as Ziggler got Kofi into a sleeper hold, Nexus ran in and the match was over. With Ziggler making a sharp exit, Kofi was left to receive a beat down from the Nexus. Barrett cut a promo over the squirming Kofi, suggesting that this was just a taste of what’s to come.

Rating: **

After the Divas match was the Big Show versus the Straight Edge Society. This match was pretty lame. Show came out and removed the tape from his hands, thus invalidating the injury angle (this guy must heal incredibly fast – scientists should do some research on him). There were some pretty cool spots in the match, there was a double Bulldog on Show at one point (which was described as a double DDT by Michael Cole – it clearly wasn’t a DDT). Punk makes a hasty retreat which allows Show to Choke Slam Mercury onto Gallows for a clean win.

Rating: *½

After a pretty decent promo by the Miz, we have the match between Randy Orton and Sheamus for the WWE Championship. I don’t know why, but I really can’t stand Randy Orton. There are much better in-ring technicians than he, and much better people on the mic... but anyway, the match wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t memorable by any stretch of the imagination. The story of this match was that Sheamus was working on Orton’s right shoulder. There seemed to be a lot of basic moves which were given new names (such as the Celtic Hammer, which is actually just a double Axe Handle), which seemed kind of pointless to me. There was a bit of a confusing spot where Sheamus (apparently) reversed an RKO, even though it looked as though Orton hit it. After getting the Irish Curse (AKA the Celtic Cross, AKA the High Cross, AKA The Razor’s Edge) for the two count; Sheamus picked up a chair and accidently bumped the ref. The ref then called for a DQ and therefore Sheamus keeps the title. With the stipulation that if Orton lost he would be sent to the back of the queue, we have a technical win on Orton’s part, but he doesn’t get the title (yet, no doubt).

Rating: **½

Next up was the World Heavyweight Championship with heavyweight Rey Mysterio versus Kane (why Kane is still holding the strap I’ll never know). I wasn’t feeling this one, and I don’t think that the crowd were either. Kane came down to the ring with a casket even though it wasn’t a casket match. The commentary for this match was piss poor. Striker at one point noted that Rey Mysterio’s “Luche Libreness” had come into play, he also noted that the crowd was so subdued because of the gravity of this match, hmm. Kane got the clean win with a Chokeslam and after the count did a few more Chokeslams and a Tombstone. Kane then the opened the casket to reveal... The Undertaker. Wow, nobody saw that one coming, right? Kane put Taker in a Chokeslam and made him look very weak... but he has been in a vegetative state, right? So, wow, we’re going to have another fucking feud between Kane and Undertaker... for the love of God...

Rating: *½

And onto the main event: Nexus versus Team WWE. I didn’t have high hopes for this one, but I’ve got to admit that it was excellently done. John Cena came out with his new colour scheme (shit, that means my orange Cena t-shirt is now out of date, we’ll have to buy the new ones). With Miz bragging that he was the final member of Team WWE, it was up to Cena to reveal who it was: Bryan Danielson. I did not see this coming, I said only a few days ago that “I think that the Bryan Danielson thing could be good if they bring him back as a babyface” – it seems that that’s what WWE have done; though it seems that WWE have kept Danielson’s ‘slave name’. There were some great spots throughout this one, Danielson dominated from the off getting Darren Young to tap to a Crossface variation in less than a minute. There were chants for we want Bret, which struck me as a bit odd: what the fuck is Bret Hart going to do? This guy’s hurting, he’s had a stroke and it’s just a bit sad to see him make a tit of himself the way he did a few months back at Wrestlemania. Luckily, Bret didn’t look too bad, he probably looked better than his WCW days in all honesty, but he’s not “the best there is” anymore. When Bret came back in a few minutes later, Michael Cole said something along the lines of “Bret Hart’s had some big Summerslam moments in his career, but if Team WWE can pull this off, this will be the biggest”... Are you fucking kidding me? Is this bigger than Wembley? Don’t fucking patronise me, Cole. Bret was DQed for using a chair, and to be honest, I think this was possibly the best that Bret has been booked since his return. He didn’t take any bumps, he kind of looked cool and he was dominant throughout his slot. Jericho got in an awesome Lionsault in on this one, he was a babyface during this one, and it was great. He even brought out his line of “you are a stupid man, you are stupid man to Cena” – this was comic genius, not sure if it was meant to be, but it gets me every time. Danielson came back in and kick some more ass. The Miz came out and hit Danielson with MitB case which knocked Bryan out for the pin. Finally, we had Cena versus Justin Gabriel and Wade Barrett. Cena did his, ahem, Five Knuckle Shuffle. For those not familiar with British idioms, a Five Knuckle Shuffle is the same a wank (masturbation, taking your cock in your hand and pumping it until happy milk pops out of the little guy). Blah blah. Cena ended up getting the STF on Barrett who tapped out (remember that contrary to MMA, tapping out is the worst/most humiliating thing a person can do when one of their limbs is about to be snapped off). Against all the odds, Cena got the win and everyone was happy. “We win, we win” Striker was saying. Lovely stuff.

Rating: ****

On the whole, this was a very well-booked PPV. A few of the matches were pretty shit, but the last match made up for it. There were some surprises (some more expected than others), but most importantly they’ve got Danielson back (hopefully he’ll be jobbing ob Raw this time next week). Necause of the win, Nexus is pretty much done. It would have worked better had they made Cena tap, but hey, it's all soap opera...

Overall: ***

Review: TNA Hardcore Justice

I had my doubts; I thought that Hardcore Justice was probably going to be a Botchamania special. I thought you’d have a bunch of washed-up guys trying to recapture something that had long evaporated... but shit me, I was wrong.

I was never into ECW in the 90s. I was introduced to it by Socko writer That Clown from Outta Town in October 2000. We had some crazy times back then, and watching this PPV brought back a lot of long forgotten memories of kicking the shit with a great friend. Back then I firmly believed that wrestling was fake... all of it. I believed that it was all bullshit, but then Clown played me some of his ECW tapes. Crazy shit with Sandman, Rhino and Kid Kash stick in my head. I’d never seen anything like it – it opened my eyes. Clown’s room smelt of wet dog, we made bongs out of Pringles tubes, ate our bodyweights in microwave popcorn, debated whether Fred Durst was a complete cunt or an absolute cunt, lived days by the whim of a dice-roll and played the Brake Fast Bends level on Micro Machines until our thumbs bled. Fuck, we didn’t know how lucky we were to have that time on our hands. This PPV was meant to be a piece of nostalgia, and God damn it, it worked.

With the event opening we had ECW, sorry, EV2.0 (?!) announcer Stephen DeAngelis introduce the human suplex machine Taz – this guy can still wrestle on the mic, let me tell thee.

We’re living in an age when history is someone’s intellectual property. Can you imagine if Germany were to sue Britain every time someone mentioned Adolph Hitler or the Nazi Party? Or maybe if the French sued whenever the word Napoleon came up on a history show? ECW occurred, and it is part of history... the changing of names, and letters is so fucking redundant... but I digress...

So the first match was a six-man tag match: Full Blooded Italians versus Kid Kash, Johnny Swinger & Simon Diamond. This was pretty entertaining, it had a dance off in the middle, but at least the crowd were chanting ‘where’s my pizza’. Tracy Smothers looked incredibly droopy. If you can imagine a latter-day Terry Funk being sucked into a vertical wind tunnel, you might just get the look. Simon Diamond has also, ahem, put on a few pounds – even Taz remarked that he’d been ‘blown up’. The match wasn’t great, but it was entertaining. The dance off confused the fuck out of me, but Kid Kash did a crazy-ass dive onto the floor and Guido got the win with a Killswitch (I’m pretty sure it was, there was some debate).

Next up we had some crazy-ass promo with some old ECW people who couldn’t be arsed to be there. One such person was the Blue Meanie, who for some reason, they replaced in the actual show with some random fat guy. What the fuck? The backstage sequence with the (semi-fake) bWo and Al Snow saying "You can't even use the shirts! We're so sued..." nearly made me poo my pants off.

The we had some bullshit ‘I remember’ segments from TNA stars who were, like, totally into ECW, but never really got to see it, because they were, like, five years old. Saying that, knowing that Madison Rayne and Angelina Love really liked ECW gives me a nice warm feeling... Rayne was thirteen when ECW folded...

The second match of the night was CW Anderson versus Too Cold Scorpio. I’ll be honest, I have no fucking idea who CW Anderson was or is... I’m sure Clown will enlighten me (maybe even mark out) but I really didn’t know/remember this guy at all. He looked something like Arn/Mr/Ole Anderson, but that was it... Scorpio botched a few spots, but the match was pretty decent. A couple of superkicks and a moonsault-legdrop combo by Scorpio for the win. Not a bad match, but not great... still better than what WWE are doing these days.

Next up was Stevie Richards (accompanied by the fake Blue Meanie and Hollywood Nova) versus Justin Credible. This match took a bit to get going, but we did get Richards posting Justin... ouch! There’s a few suplexes, a few powerbombs, nothing too extreme. Then Stevie comes out with ‘enough of this shit’ and gets a Steviekick in for the win. Richards and Credible were out of sync throughout and the match was nothing to write home about. After losing, Credible started hitting Stevie with a kendo stick. In true Sting fashion, the lights went out and came back on to reveal the Sandman with a cane.

Back in the day there is no fucking way that the next match would been on a PPV: Spike Dudley versus Al Snow (with Head) versus Rhino in a three-way dance. Earlier on Snow had made some comments to (Doctor) Stevie Richards, asking if he knew a therapist, hilarious stuff. All I could think throughout this match was about how shit Al Snow is and how he’s the butt of every other joke in Foley’s first autobiography. The match itself was pretty shit, luckily it only lasted about 6 minutes. A lot of brawling, a nice Sliced Bread by Spike and Rhino got the win with a Gore.

Next up was Balls Mahoney & Axl Rotten versus Team 3D. 3D were accompanied to the ring by Joel Gertner who probably got the biggest crowd reaction of the night with his poetic reference to Lady Gaga. Funny shit. With the Dudley’s back in their old ring-gear they declared that it would be a street fight (I thought this was already meant to be extreme?) Most of this match was pretty poor, throughout most of it they had this fucking annoying split-screen thing going on. Directors take note: split screen is shit. In fact, not only was the split screen shit, the graphics for the whole show looked really amateurish. Once the match went to one screen it was pretty funny. There was a hilarious bit with toy light sabres which I am sure smark fans will hate, but I thought it was hilarious. The match culminated with the Dudley’s doing a Wassup Drop to get the pin. They then get a table, set it on fire and Powerbomb Balls through it. Classic Dudleys. On the whole, this was a bad match which was saved by a lot of old school references, comedy bits and after the match... New Jack! The Gangstas came in and interrupted 3D’s celebration with an impromptu match. Bins, staple guns, hockey sticks, and crutches all came into play. Gertner got smacked by a guitar... then there’s a stare-down... and a hug. How lovely.

Next up was Tommy Dreamer versus Raven with Mick Foley as special referee. This was a long match (about 17 minutes). In the most part, it wasn’t great but there were some awesome moments, mainly to do with creative use of barbed-wire: a cross-face using the stuff and Mr Socko wrapped in the stuff (even though Socko never appeared in ECW). Holy shit, there was some juice flowing in this one. The match ended with Raven getting the win with his Raven Effect DDT onto a chair.

There was a backstage vignette with the Gangstas, JB and SoCal Val. Mustafa grabbed Val by the hair and drags her off screen, what the fuck? Is the insinuation rape here? Is this what ECW was about. New Jack then scares JB. Pretty lame.

Finally, we have the main event RVD (with Fonzie) versus Sabu (with Fonzie). Sabu was bald and looked a bit like a Victorian strong-man, very odd. I have to say I really enjoyed this match, though I think Fonzie put on the best performances of the night, this guy’s great. The match was pretty much a best of Sabu versus RVD with them doing all of their best spots. Arabian Facebuster, Rolling Thunder with a steel chair, Van Assassin, and crazy dives over the guard rail were all in here. It was a bit sloppy around the edges, but the fact that these two guys can go like this says a lot. I was also reminded how good RVD can be when he can be arsed. RVD won with the Five Star Frog Splash and they hugged at the end.

At the end Dreamer and the rest of the ECW guys came out to thank the crowd (Dreamer now sporting a rather nasty looking black-eye). Dixie was brought into the ring and it was all lovely. Then the chants of ‘fuck you Vince’ finished it off nicely.

Joel Gertner and Fonzie proved something which I have thought for a good while: there are no decent wrestling managers anymore. TNA need some good managers to big up wrestlers who might not be the best on the mic but are awesome in the ring. This was attempted with Amazing Red and Dom West, but Red was pushed aside, ooh, around January time.

So, it didn’t quite look right being in the Impact Zone, and didn’t sound without Joey Styles on the announce table, and TNA couldn’t use the letters ECW in the order I’ve just written them, oh, and some of the names were a bit wrong... but fuck it, it was it was, and they put on a great show. Smarks will no doubt piss all over this because from a pure wrestling standpoint they weren’t great matches, but that wasn’t the fucking point. E C fuckin’ W.

Review: WWE Money in the Bank PPV, 18th July

The WWE has decided that all of its non-‘big four’ PPVs should now be named after lame gimmicks, it would seem. We’ve had TLC, Elimination Chamber, Extreme Rules, Fatal Four Way and now we have Money in the Bank.

The Money in the Bank gimmick came in to WWE in about 2005 (I’m sure someone will correct me on this), and has done no end of damage to the integrity of the championship titles. Indeed, not only did the WWE decide to have two championship belts, they also decided that any mid-carder who needs a quick push can win the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania. What has made the Money in the Bank gimmick so interesting in the past, however, is that it brings together the wrestlers from Raw and Smackdown, and allows the winner to cash in on either brand (as Jack Swagger did with his move over to Smackdown). With two (yes two) MiB matches (one for each brand) the value of the gimmick and the value of the belts has been further diluted.

At the beginning of MiB, we were shown one of the most dangerous things in professional wrestling. No, I’m not talking about Hell in a Cell or the Elimination Chamber, and I’m not talking about barbed wire ropes or exploding turn buckles: I’m referring, of course, to the Spanish announce table. I think I’ve said before that WWE has lost any sense of subtlety in its storytelling and in its matches, if I haven’t, I’ve certainly thought it. It’s almost as if WWE management went: “Right, we need to do a spot where someone goes through the Spanish announce table,” the board members look on blankly, another one chirps up: “I’m not sure our demographic know what a Spanish announce table is, and I’m not sure they could picture such a thing.” And so they show, for those fans who can’t picture what an announce table looks like with people commentating in Spanish rather than English.

First up was the Smackdown MiB match. We had Dolph Ziggler, Christian, Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston, Kane, The Big Show, Matt Hardy and Drew McIntyre in what was actually a well-booked match... until the end that is. Unlike most recent WWE PPVs, the crowd were really into this one, and the crowd were hot for this match in particular. The match started with most of the guys beating on Show, even though when he tried to climb a ladder it broke. Christian and Hardy did some great stuff on top the ladders, reminiscent of some of their matches back in their tag team days. Kofi did a really cool Leg Drop from the top of ladder, onto Drew McIntyre who was spread out on... the Spanish announce table, woo! With Show unable to climb a regular ladder, he went under the ring to pull out a big ladder made of ‘reinforced steel’ – this thing looked heavy, this thing looked so heavy in fact that Show could hardly lift it into the ring, if you missed it I’m sure it will be on the next Botchamania. Indeed, the Big Show’s frustration was clearly evidenced when the words ‘fuck me’ left his lips. Naughty Big Show, that’s not very PG now, is it? Then came what was probably the highlight of the match for me, Show got thrown out of the ring and the rest of the wrestlers came over and buried him in a pile of ladders. I’m not sure if it was meant to be funny, but I was pissing myself. It reminded me of that ECW thing were the crowd were throwing the chairs. Awesome. Then came the ending... Kane won. Fucking Kane. Easily the worst guy possible to win this won. What the fuck?

Next up was the Divas. Don’t care. Enough time to put the kettle on.

The next match was the Hart Dynasty versus the Uzos for the tag titles. To be honest, I’m not sold on either team in this one and really didn’t care what the result was, it seemed the crowd agreed with this sentiment. The match ended with Davey Hart Smith doing the Sharpshooter (why not a Bulldog?) for the win. Pretty dull match, but luckily it was only 6 minutes long.

Next up was Rey Mysterio versus Kurt Angle for the World Heavyweight Title. Hang on, Kurt Angle? Lets work this out carefully: Amateur style ring attire? Check. Ankle Lock? Check. All-American gimmick? Check. That sounds like Kurt Angle to me! But wait, it’s Jack Swagger, not Kurt Angle... my mistake. Anyway, this match was pretty decent. Rey was selling an injured ankle throughout the match, which made him change his style. There were some pretty cool spots in the one like Rey getting Swagger with the Lou Thez Press of the top rope and Rey countering a superplex into a DDT for a near fall. The match culminated in Angle, sorry, Swagger getting Mysterio into an Ankle Lock. After squirming for a few moments, Rey shimmied out of his boot and took Swagger down with a Hurricianrama for the pin. This was not the end for Swagger though, he went back to work on Rey’s ankle, and Kane ran in for the save and chased Swagger to the locker-room. With Mysterio still reeling in the ring, who should return the ring but Kane, MiB briefcase in hand and cashed it in. Kane quickly worked on Rey’s ankle, put him in a Tombstone and got the pin. For fuck’s sake. That’s right, Kane, yes Kane, is now the World Heavyweight Champion. I predict, hmm, Undertaker getting the title, hmm, at Summerslam, hmm, 12 year old feud gets reignited, hmm, fans don’t care. I would care if they brought back Paul Bearer to fuck around with the Undertakers head a bit though. So let’s get this straight: rather than using this opportunity to get a young guy over, they use it to reignite a feud which has been done, four, maybe five times before, which doesn’t even need a title to establish a match... for fuck’s sake.

Another Divas match, but this time I made the mistake of watching it. Oh dear, this was bad. This was Rob Terry doing Lucha Libre bad. This was Warrior verus Hercules bad. Kelly Kelly versus Layla could go down in history as the worst thing to ever appear on a PPV. Now don’t get me wrong, Layla is hot, but God damn it, this is a wrestling show. If I wanted to watch hot girls wrestle I’d... anyway...

Next up was the Raw MiB match with Randy Orton, Miz, Mark Henry, John Morrison, Jericho, Ted Dibiase, Edge and Evan Bourne. This was actually an excellent match, and the ending was so much better than the Smackdown MiB match. There were some really good spots during this match, probably too many to go into. There was one where two guys were each on a ladder and Mark Henry came in between them and sent them flying. The commentator said something dumb along the lines of “It’s Hercules parting the Red Sea!” Because Hercules and Moses are the same, you fucking moron. Everyone seemed to get in their signature moves and Morrison did some great acrobatics between ladders before getting socked by the Miz and Edge. The worst bit of the match came when DiBiase’s lady Virgil, Maryse came in to try and grab the case for DiBiase. Morrison then fireman’s lifted her away. The ending came with a battle on the ladder between Orton and Miz with Miz unhooking the case and giving a pretty decent promo afterwards. I really wanted Miz to win this, the MiB suits an up and coming heel, but I want Miz to be the first person to cash in his case and not get the belt.

Finally, the main event was Cena versus Seamus in a cage match for the WWE title. This match had some really dumb moments. There was one where Seamus put Cena into a Sleeper Hold, with his last few breaths, Cena started Hulking up, brother. With the Sleeper Hold still tightly in place, Cena started to climb out of the cage with Seamus on his back. For fuck’s sake. Like a lot of cage matches, this one also had a number of opportunities when either competitor could get a clean win and simply escape the cage, but would rather do some spots instead. For fuck’s sake. The match went on, both did their finishers and then the NXTWo came in, bolt cutters in hand, no doubt to break into the cage and mess up the match. A little old referee came over to try and stop them and snatched the bolt cutters and made a hasty exit. Remember that this group had beaten up most of the roster, had beaten up management and had beat up legends, but it was a little referee who got the better of them. For fuck’s sake. The NXTWo then demanded that a referee gave them the key to the cage. Obviously having watched the Angle versus Anderson cage match on TNA, the ref threw the key into the crowd, and again a little ref got the better of the NXTWo. The climax to the match came when the ref in the ring got bumped and Cena got Seamus to tap out to the STF. With the ref out, Cena attempted to climb out, but Justin Gabriel of the NXTWo climbed the outside and started fighting with Cena. Meanwhile, that sneaky Irish heel managed to climb out and get the win. Seamus then legged it into the crowd.

Overall, this was a pretty good PPV. Both of the MiB matches were very good, the Swagger versus Mysterio match was also pretty decent, the Divas match I saw was bad as they come, and the main event was also pretty good. This is probably the best PPV WWE have put on this year.

Ratings:

Smackdown MiB:
***1/2

Harts versus Uzos
*

Mysterio versus Swagger
***

Kelly Kelly versus Layla
Minus *****

Raw MiB
****

Cena versus Seamus
***

PPV Rating:
***1/2

Review: TNA Victory Road PPV

The build-up to most of the matches on the Victory Road card was pretty decent, almost all of the matches, apart from the AJ/Kaz versus mystery tag-team made sense, but something about the storytelling has meant that the only matches I give a shit about is the Guns versus Beer Money and Kendrick versus Williams.

In the first match we had Doug Williams defending his X-Division title against Brian Kendrick. The match was set to win by submission or Ultimate X. This stipulation is typical of TNA, but made for a pretty interesting match. The storyline for the match was essentially that Doug Williams had to conquer his fear of heights to get the belt from the Ultimate X. The match built up really well, with the beginning of the match featuring a lot of submission moves, it then built up to some higher-risk moves, culminating in scramble up the Ultimate X. I’m not sure whether it was an angle, but it seemed that Kendrick hurt himself pretty badly in this one. During the match Kendrick landed badly outside of the ring and it seemed like Williams was buying him some time to recover. At the climax of the match, both competitors fell down from the Ultimate X, and looking at the footage, it looked like Kendrick landed on his head and was knocked out. Williams put him in a chokehold from behind and got the submission. On the whole, this was a great match, given the time it deserved to develop, but the ending felt rushed, and rightly so if Kendrick had been hurt.

Next up was a brilliant promo by Bubba Ray. He was intense and angry. I loved the bit where he said to Christie: “Jesse’s a failure, just like your edition of Playboy”, he then goes on to berate Christie, asking her if she’s going to cry. And for a moment, it looked like she was going to. Hilarious. This promo led into the match between Ray, Devon and Jesse. This may win the award for the stupidest start to a match in TNA history: Ray enters. Ray hides. Jesse enters. Jesse doesn’t notice that nobody is in the ring. Jesse gets jumped from behind. Devon’s music plays. Devon doesn’t enter. The camera cuts to show a plank of wood nailed across Devon’s dressing room. Who was the culprit, I hear you cry? Well it makes no sense for it to be Ray, because he made the match. It makes no sense for it to be Jesse, because Devon has been standing up for Jesse. The only person it could be is Shannon Moore. And lo! He enters. And lo! He goes. Devon manages to break the piece of wood. Devon enters the ring. Devon went after Ray. Ray got the pin on Devon. Shit shit shit match, angle, everything. Maybe with Batista leaving WWE, TNA want to bring him in so Devon can be a preacher again? I fucking hope not. Don’t split up the Dudleys, they are worth more than their sum of parts.

Next up was the Knockouts title between Madison Rayne Angelina Love. This was a career match for Angelina with the stipulation that she would automatically get the title if there was outside interference by any other members of the Beautiful People. What a stupid angle. Of course, that wasn’t where the stupidity ended. Firstly, Madison Rayne’s ring attire was some flesh-coloured underwear. And Secondly, a woman, dressed all in black leather and black helmet rode her motorbike to the ring and interfered with the match. Now, I’m pretty sure that the mysterious woman was not one of the BP, and I’m basing this purely on the fact that she didn’t have big enough tits. With the interference, Rayne was disqualified and the title handed to Angelina. With the woman on the bike not being one of the BP, I’m sure this will create some situation next Impact where Rayne comes out and says that it wasn’t one of the BP, but rather someone else (Tara? Alyssa Flash? Maybe?) Thus, she did not break the rules and gets her title back. Rayne hopped on the back of the bike and the mysterious stranger drove away... It’s good to know that a mysterious stranger can get into a live wrestling pay-per-view and drive a motorbike to the ring.

After the thrill and excitement, we cut to a promo with Mr Anderson, who was trying to illustrate a point with a butt-cheek analogy. He wanted Christie to help out, but she was a spoilsport and said no. I’m sure that with the dress she was wearing that this analogy would have looked particularly good. But what can you do?

Next up we had Kaz and AJ versus a mystery tag team. If I was doing a Clown type of review I’m sure it would go something like this:
44:27 - I’ve got a bad feeling about this...
44.40 - Please be Gen Me
45:38 – FFS Rob Terry? SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?
46:09 - Why is AJ afraid of Rob Terry?
46:19 - FUCK YEAH. JOE JOE JOE JOE.
This was pretty much my reaction to the start of this match. Talk about a fucking mismatch. You’ve got Joe, who is probably one of the best workers in the company teamed up with Terry, who is probably one of the worst. The match was basically about how Kaz and AJ resolved their differences. Luckily, Joe did most of the work for him and Terry, with Terry coming in to do a few power moves and then going back to the ropes. Joe was brutal throughout. Once AJ and Kaz started working together, Terry came in and threw them around a bit and they both sold like crazy. We then had a run-in by Wolfe who helped AJ and Kaz to get the pin on Terry. What came next was the best bit of the match in my humble opinion. As Wolfe was celebrating with AJ and Kaz, Joe came into the ring and put Wolfe into the Muscle Buster. PLEASE BE THE START OF AN AWESOME FEUD.

Next up was Hernandez versus Matt Morgan in a steel cage match. What I liked about this was that it wasn’t a steel cage match with a stupid stipulation (falls count anywhere cage match at Lockdown anyone?) No laws of wrestling logic were circumvented. It was a simple get out of the cage by the door or climb over the top. The in-ring stuff wasn’t bad, but I had no emotional attachment whatsoever to this match. I really didn’t give a shit which one won. It was a feud which wasn’t really a feud. The breakup of their tag team was done poorly and the rest of their battle limped along like some fat goose with smashed up feet. The match itself wasn’t too bad. It did seem throughout that they were saying “Look! We do blood!” Morgan bled quite early, then showed Hernandez’s blood to the camera on his hands. A few times during this match Hernandez botched up a Border Toss, probably because Morgan is one tall fucker. We then had Hernandez climb to the top of cage and rather than dropping to the other side of a win did a splash from the top, which missed. Then, in a bit which makes absolutely no sense, Morgan cuffs Hernandez to the ring ropes next to the door. Instead of going through the door, Morgan attempts to climb out of the cage. Hernandez was handcuffed, what the fuck could he really do. Whilst Morgan was perched atop of the cage, Hernandez Hulked up, brother, and speared himself out of the cage for the win. Yawn.

Next we cut to a promo with Ric Flair (wooooo!) who was giving his usual crazy-ass promo to Christie, but he came out with the line that Lethal will be so beat up afterwards that he will need breastfeeding from his mother to get over it. Ric Flair, you’re a genius. So the match started and it seems that Lethal is now the Hulk Hogan by proxy that Abyss was, coming out to generic rock music dressed in red and yellow. Hey, maybe TNA could do a storyline where Hogan gives Jay Lethal his Hall of Fame ring to give him magical powers? Anyway, this match wasn’t great, but it was much better than I thought. Flair went for 12 minutes, he didn’t look like shit and he didn’t look embarrassed. If that wasn’t amazing enough, Flair went the whole match without bleeding everywhere. The match was pretty much a tribute to Flair with him and Lethal trading chops, getting in a few back body-drops and each getting in a Figure-Four, with Jay’s getting the win. There was even a spot where Lethal pulled Flair’s trunks down at the back and we got to see Flair’s pruney butt cheeks. They show his ass, but Christie won’t indulge Anderson? This is a harsh world we live in, people. There were some great moments of antagonism between Flair and Earl Hebner. This match had an old skool feel to it, probably because there was an old man in the ring, but also struck me as pretty pointless. Ric Flair has absolutely nothing to prove, and Lethal beat up an old man. Good work.

Next up was a promo with what looked like a Pixar fish, or maybe an Avatar; it was actually Jeff Hardy. He spouted some bullshit and I can’t remember what he was going on about, but he did like a fish and that’s what’s important, right? We cut to Beer Money versus Motor City Machine Guns for the tag belts. TNA gave this match just the right amount of time (about 17 minutes) for what was my favourite match of the night. Both teams worked really well together, there was a great mix of styles and moves, and there were some great double-team moves. As with most great TNA matches, it wouldn’t be complete without a retarded moment. James Storm tried to spit beer into one of the Guns’ faces only for his plan to backfire and blind the ref. With Brian Hebner distracted, Earl decided to take charge and run in to take over refereeing. As Brian’s condition improved rather than Earl take a step back or shoo Brian away there was a double pin fall with Brian and Earl counting at exactly the same time. But who should win? It’s a title match damn it! Oh, the controversy! So with the hullabaloo still ringing in its ears, Earl, as senior official, restarts the match, which lasts for about another minute. Shelley got the pin on Roode and the Guns, yes, the Guns, are now the TNA tag team champions. If this match proves anything it is how awesome tag team wrestling can be.

Next up was Kurt Angle versus the Pope. I thought that this would probably be the best match of the night, but I was wrong. The match was okay, Angle did his usual spots: chain of German suplexes, Angle Slam and Ankle Lock to finish. This match was only about 12 minutes long, and with no build up and no feud, again, there was no emotional investment.

The main event was RVD versus Jeff Hardy, Abyss and Mr Anderson in a four-way match. This match was an anti-climax and was pretty short for a main event at 12 minutes long. There were some pretty cool spots, like a four-man suplex with RVD taking the worst of it, and then RVD taking a crazy bump off of the ramp (why are my favourite bits where RVD gets hurt?). The match was won by RVD who did his Frog Splash onto a pile of Anderson and Hardy to get the pin. Again, the in-ring stuff was fine, I just found myself not giving a shit. The only thing I wanted to see was the strap being taken off RVD, and it didn’t happen. So what has RVD actually done since coming into TNA? He practically had the title handed to him; he had no build up and has not had any feuds. All of his matches have been disappointing and he’s doing the same spots he was doing over a decade ago, only he can’t pull them off as well.

Match Ratings:

Doug Williams (winner) versus Brian Kendrick
***½

Bubba Ray (winner) versus Devon versus Jesse Neal
*½

Taylor Rayne versus Angelina Love (winner)
*

AJ and Kaz (winners) versus Joe and Rob Terry
***

Matt Morgan versus Hernandez (winner)
*

Ric Flair versus Jay Lethal
***

Beer Money versus MCMG (winners)
****

Kurt Angle (winner) versus The Pope
***

RVD (winner) versus Hardy versus Abyss versus Mr Anderson
**½

Overall PPV rating:
**½
Mediocre PPV, had some decent matches which were let down by poor storytelling.

Clown's Victory Road 2010 predictions

Since Socko's done his predictions, I might as well do mine, even though the bookers are insane. I'll have to make it quick though, I've got company on the way...

TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Abyss vs. (c) Rob Van Dam

RVD, obviously. Although I hope we find out who Abyss' 'They' are.

CHALLENGE MATCH
Ric Flair vs. Jay Lethal

Lethal, obviously. Match will be shit. Or (hopefully) a Sting v Jarrett style beatdown.

CONTENDERS BATTLE
#10 Kurt Angle VS #8 “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero

Angle, obviously. It should be match of the night though.

STEEL CAGE MATCH
Matt Morgan vs. Hernandez

Does anyone still give a fuck about this angle? It feels like it's been dragging on for months. I really don't give a shit who wins. I'll flip a coin and say Hernandez.

Seriously, would ANYONE rather see Morgan v Super Mex than, say, Joe v Wolfe? Or Red & Wolfe v Gen Me? Or ANY FUCKING NUMBER OF WAY BETTER MATCHES THAT HAVEN'T BEEN DRAGGING ON AND ON FOREVER

ULTIMATE X MATCH FOR THE X CHAMPIONSHIP
Kendrick vs. (c) Douglas Williams.

With Doug getting battered by Kendrick for weeks, and losing to one of Generation Me this week, I'm gonna go with Doug to win. There's no point having him lose to a nobody just before he loses the title, it would make Kendrick's victory look cheap, and lessen the impact of him being champ.

Not that the nobody in question isn't extremely talented and deserving of more airtime, but he's a nobody nonetheless. Imagine Gen Me and Amazing Red as a freebird style tag team...would be good for all three of their careers, not to mention for the fans.

TNA WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
Beer Money vs. The Motor City Machineguns

MCMG. They deserve a title run, they've been going for years and haven't had the gold yet. Beer Money are good, and they were good champions, but I think people have seen enough of them in the Tag Title picture right now - we need something new.

TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP
Angelina Love vs. (c) Madison Rayne

Angelina. I can't see them firing her, she's one of the best knockouts around. I kinda wish she'd rejoin the Beautiful People though, she's much more interesting as a heel.

Ray vs Devon vs Jesse

Jesse to win. Almost certain he'll pin Bubba. Again.

I hope 3D don't split up, I don't see what either guy has to offer singles wrestling...if they do split, I hope it's temporary (or an excuse to bring in Little Spike or something...)

AJ and Kaz vs ???

Since this was set up by Flair, it would be stupid if their opponents were tougher than them, so I'm gonna go with AJ and Kaz. Also - who the fuck could beat AJ and Kaz except like Joe and Wolfe or something? Potentially an awesome match depending on who their opponents are - AJ & Kaz could make a fucking great tag team.

FAKE EDIT: I really hope it's not the Nasty Boys getting a second chance - they were mentioned in this week's iMPACT so it's a (small) possibility.

FAKE EDIT 2: I hope it's Dreamer and another old ECW guy, actually. Dreamer and Rhino would be good.

Socko's TNA Victory Road predictions

Here are my predictions for the next TNA PPV 'Victory Road' which I will review, and no doubt eat my words, next week.

TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Abyss vs. (c) Rob Van Dam

I'm hoping that Anderson will get the chapionship, however, I can see RVD retaining the title until Kurt Angle has worked his way up through the rankings. I've never liked four-way matches. Three-ways or tag matches are great, but any more than that and things just get confusing. Isn't odd that the last WWE PPV was called Fatal Four Way, and now TNA are doing one. Will they do a Money in the Bank ladder match at their next PPV?

CHALLENGE MATCH
Ric Flair vs. Jay Lethal

I can predict a Flair win, but this will be with a lot of interference from his stable. :ethal will probably get a pin, but the ref will be out or distracted or something equally lame. This match will be a stinker

CONTENDERS BATTLE
#10 Kurt Angle VS #8 “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero

No boubt that this will be at least a four-star match. Pope's great in the ring and on the mic, but I really can't see Kurt Angle losing any matches whilst working up the rankings

STEEL CAGE MATCH
Matt Morgan vs. Hernandez

I'm a bit bored of this storyline now, and if Morgan and Hernandez have proved anything, it is that they are inconsistant in the ring. This could be an awesome match, or it could be a stinker. I can see Morgan winning.


ULTIMATE X MATCH FOR THE X CHAMPIONSHIP
(Win by either Submission or claiming the Ultimate X)
Kendrick vs. (c) Douglas Williams.

I really like this angle, I really like Brian Kendrick and I really like Doug Williams. This has the potential to be an awesome match. I can see a ref bump with Williams getting put into a cobra clutch, Williams taps, but the ref is out. I then see Williams doing some kind of high-risk move of Kendrick then retaining the belt by climbing the ultimate x.

TNA WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
Beer Money vs. The Motor City Machineguns
Hail Sabin, Motor City have to win this, it's just retarded if they don't... Oh wait, we've gor Russo and Bischoff in creative, damn it, I'll have to go with Beer Money then... but I really want the Guns to win, Alex Shelley is underrated as hell.

TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP
Angelina Love vs. (c) Madison Rayne

Wonder if it will be a career match, but then Angelina wins. I hope she does because at least she can wrestle. Not that there are any decent female wrestlers left in the KO division apart from Sarita and Taylor Wilde. This match will be piss-poor.

EDIT: Ray vs Devon vs Jesse
I'm guessing that Devon will get the pin on Jesse... TNA can't split up 3D, it's stupid if they do.

AJ and Kaz vs Mystery tag team.
Well the build up to this between AJ/Kaz and the mystery tag team make this worth watching, gonna guess the AJ/Kaz will (flips a coin) lose.



AND STILL NO JOE :(

Greatest Promos Ever! "Assholes..."

The birth of Anderson's Assholes has to get the nomination for on of best promo of the year thus far. This was on the cusp of Anderson's face turn at Sacrifice, I alluded to it in my original review, but could not get hold of a video, so here it is:

Review: WWE Fatal Four-Way

With one of the worst titled pay per views I think I’ve ever heard, Fatal Four Way could easily be mistaken for the name of a gay porn film. This was an odd pay per view, the crowd throughout was flat and the matches were pretty mediocre.

The first match was Kofi Kingston versus Drew McIntyre for the Intercontinental title. This match was give far too much time, it was 17 minutes long, but felt like longer. Before the match began McIntyre called Teddy Long out to, erm, sit on a chair and watch the match so he would be there to present the title when McIntyre won. There were some pretty decent spots throughout the match, but nothing mind-blowing. The match culminated in a ref bump, with McIntyre in a position for a clean win. I learnt something watching this match which I did not realise previously: if you are a general manager, you have no referring privileges. However, if a referee shirt is forced on you, then suddenly you do. I hate to say it, but what the fuck? So with Kofi pinned, Long went in for the dramatic count... one... two... and he stopped, he just couldn’t tap three. Matt Hardy then did a run-in a knocked McIntyre down with a Twist of Fate to allow Kofi to get the win and retain the title. It seems odd though that a babyface would need the combination of a ref bump, a corrupt pin-count and a run-in to get the win... hmm...

Next up was a Divas match, fast forward...

Then we had a match between Evan Bourne and Chris Jericho, which for me was the match of the night. I’m pretty sure that over the last few weeks on Raw there wasn’t any mention or build up to this match whatsoever. When it comes to the WWE wrestlers, there aren’t that many who I particularly rate, but I think Evan Bourne is awesome in the ring and has a lot of potential. The match was as expected from these two, with Bourne doing a lot of high-flying moves and Jericho keeping him grounded for moves like the Boston Crab, erm, sorry, Walls of Jericho. Bourne pulled of his Air Bourne (geddit?) move, which is a 520 degree summersault to a splash, which Jericho countered with the Code Breaker (that looked pretty cool). The match was won when Bourne did his Air Bourne onto Jericho’s back for the pin. I’m hoping that this victory marks the start of a push for Bourne, who has spent most of WWE career on low-mid card slots. This was also one of the few matches of the night where the crowd actually reacted to what was going on in the ring.

Next up was the four-way match-up between CM Punk, Big Show, Rey Mysterio and Jack Swagger. This wasn’t a great match, but I was surprised by the result. With the push that Big Show had been getting of late, this seemed to be the obvious winner... I was wrong. The match was a pretty run-of-the-mill four-way match with most of wrestlers attempting stop each other getting the pin. The only cool move in this one was a three way suplex between Swagger, Punk and Big Show. Swagger looked out of his depth in this match though, falling down before getting hit, missing timings, etc. The match was interrupted by Kane, who brought out a coffin for some reason and tried to put Punk in it, but was stopped by Luke Gallows... which was odd, especially as nothing further came of it, all it did was keep Punk out of the ring for the finale. To end the match Mysterio got the 619 and a splash on Swagger to get the pin. I didn’t expect this, so even though it was a piss-poor match, at least I was surprised by the result.

Up next was the Miz versus R Truth for the American title. Miz came out and did a rap over Truth’s theme, which was hilarious, not because the lyrics were funny, but because Miz blatantly forgot his lines and just stood staring at the camera blankly for what seemed like an eternity before doing his ‘I’m awesome’ line... which of course, he isn’t. This match was a stinker, and the crowd we chanting ‘this is boring’...ouch! R Truth reminds me of the Ultimate Warrior, he’s got a great entrance, but once the wrestling starts people realise he’s not so great. The match was about 15 minutes long, and Miz and Truth had no chemistry in the ring, this was horrible to watch. Miz retained his title and no one cared.



Throughout the night, we had promos about the NXT guys maybe coming in and the WWE stars being ready for them, so as the final match arrived (a four way between Cena, Sheamus, Edge and Orton) you kind of knew what was coming. Again this match sucked. The NXT people came out and did exactly what they did when this angle first started and beat on Cena. I know I’ve not written anything about this angle, mainly because I wanted to see how it played out after the Danielson sacking, but when it first happened it was exciting and it was Danielson that made it with spitting in Cena’s face... but alas! The angle quickly became boring. But with all the chaos and the fact that the match was no-DQ, Sheamus jumped in a got the pin so he’s now the champion. What became apparent is that the WWE writers haven’t got a fucking clue how to develop this angle with the NXT guys, which is a shame, because it had so much promise. Just because the WWE has watered-down the violence, do they really need to do the same thing with story lines? Grrr... I’m finding WWE incredibly tedious to watch at the moment.

So with the PPV running ½ hour short of the usual, and with the bad bad matches and lame storytelling, you can’t help but feel a little short-changed. In the UK, we get most of the WWE PPVs except the big four on Sky Sports, so I feel really sorry for the American fans who’ve had to fork out for this inferior bullshit. This could well be the worst PPV I’ve seen from WWE.

Review: TNA Slammiversary VIII

After 23 days in the wilderness, I’m back. So let’s not waste time and get to the review of TNA’s Slammiversary VIII. Before watching the PPV I caught up on the Impacts from the past three weeks and was surprised by the low key build-up for many of the matches, oh apart from Hardy/Anderson teaming up and the ‘Why Sting, why?’ angle still being as funny as hell. Why Sting, why?

The first match of the evening was a welcome surprise, but one, which upon reflection, fits in perfectly with Angle starting at the bottom (well, number 11) of the TNA top 10 rankings. TNA and consistent storylines don’t usually happen, so I’m interested to see how this one pans out. Anyway, in the opening match we had Kazarian and Kurt Angle. This is how a PPV or an episode of Impact should open, with a decent match. Of course, the match was so good that it probably made the rest of the show not look as good. The crowd intensity peaked during this match, so the rest of the event was just a little bit quieter (but thank God, throughout the first match one shrill scream could be heard throughout the match, which was most disconcerting, whoever that screaming woman was, would you please shut the fuck up in future?). What made me laugh was when the fans were chanting ‘USA USA USA’; who was that for exactly? Angle, who’s American or Kaz, who also happens to be an American? Give yourselves a pat on the back for that one.

There were some pretty awesome moves during this one, with Kaz having the upperhand early on even getting Angle with the Ulmari driver (that reverse tombstone thing), which with Angle’s neck the way it is, was pretty nasty. Angle beat Kaz with the ankle lock and moved up in the rankings.

Next up was Brian Kendrick versus Doug Williams for the X Division title. This match had been set up with Williams being against the high-flying style of the X-Division. Which is why Kendrick (also a heel, I might add) spent most of the match brawling in the ring with Douglas. Douglas then finished the match with one of the most uncomfortable and least graceful Tornado DDTs I think I’ve ever seen. With Kendrick grounded, the storyline just didn’t make a lot of sense, and with Kendrick avoiding the mic like someone’s offering him a poo to smell the match had little build-up. The only thing I learnt through Impact is that Kendrick is a psycho.... just like Nailz... Instead of Kendrick, they should have had Amazing Red, at least the disparity in styles would have been more pronounced and the crowd would have given a shit. Overall though, not a bad match

Next we had a bit with Eric Bischoff asking ‘Why Sting, why?’ Yawn. He then went on to talk about how great Rob Van Dam is. Yawn. Bischoff makes a great heel, but when he’s a babyface he is completely boring. If TNA need to have Eric Bischoff (which they don’t), then bring back Sleazy E, at least that way he’ll be vaguely entertaining.

Next up was Roxxi versus Madison Rayne for the Knockouts title. I must have been in the mood for self-flagellation because I knew this was going to be a stinker, but watched it anyway to see how bad it would be. The match began with Madison coming to the ring and takes the mic, she starts moaning to Roxxi that she has everything to lost and Roxxi has everything to gain, clearly not realising defending a title is meant to work. The match becomes a title versus career match, and as Roxxi was agreeing, Madion smacked her in the head with the mic and busted he wide open. It looked like a blade job, but it wasn’t. What it confirmed was that Roxxi is actually the daughter of Ric Flair, because no one else bleeds like that. Madison won, but when it comes to it, the Knockouts division is a joke now (they bring in a fat stripper, but ignore Hamada and Sarita, what the fuck?) and when it comes to it Roxxi’s been in about three matches this year, so she hadn’t exactly made waves on TNA. Not quite the stinker I thought it would be, but still a pretty poor match.

Next up was Brother Ray versus Jesse Neal in a Teacher versus Student match. This storyline from the beginning struck me a being weak and made Brother Ray look like a bit of a dick. Anyway, the match began with Brother Ray taking to the mic and apologising for being an arse candle and there were hugs all round. Just in case you forgot, this is a PPV, use the build up to cut promos... for fuck’s sake... but wait! Shock upon shock! It was all a ruse. Brother Ray socked Jesse on the head and threw him about 10 foot to the other side of the ring... much better, can we have some wrestling now please? The match played out like a squash match with Brother Ray beating on Jesse throughout. But then, I think we had the earth-shattering arrival of... Tommy Dreamer? Now don’t get me wrong, Tommy Dreamer was great, but that was over a decade ago. Also, he was retired by Zack Ryder (yes, the Raw jobber who’s still yet to win a match on Raw), which doesn’t exactly make him look like the most dominant of wrestlers. Hopefully his role will be similar to what Shane Douglas’s was back in the early days of TNA, or maybe he’ll bring Taz out of retirement. But honestly, I can’t see where he would fit in an already top-heavy roster. Anyway, with the distraction of Dreamer appearing in the crowd, Jesse took Brother Ray down with a spear for the pin. Pretty mediocre match.

Next up was Hernandez versus Matt Morgan, which was one of the few matches on this PPV I was excited about. The match began with Morgan coming out in his normal clothes, wearing a neck brace and selling a neck injury. He comes to the ring and, because this is a PPV, takes the mic to cut a promo. He handed the ref a doctor’s note which said he could not ‘perform’ (don’t say that, people will find out that wrestling’s fake!). As he walked away from the ring Hernandez arrived and threw him into the ring. Two matches in a row and two attempted swerves... don’t use the same gimmick two matches running. Anyway, the match was pretty evenly matched most of the way through with Hernandez working on Morgan’s neck and then Morgan going to work on Supermex’s shoulder. With months of aggression building up in Hernandez in his bid to get revenge over Morgan, how did the match end? With Supermex getting DQed for throwing the ref, I’m not even kidding. The brawling continued until the referee tried to stand in front of a kick and go smacked in the chest. This match was pretty disappointing and had a pointless ending. Let’s hope that Supermex reforms LAX again.

Next up was an interview with Hulk Hogan who was asking ‘Why Sting, why?’ Complaining that Sting had crossed the line (which is what I thought TNA was all about: their tagline is ‘Cross the Line’ for fuck’s sake, but of course Hogan wouldn’t know that because he’s only in it for his own ego). Hogan then went on to talk about ‘the code of ethics’ wrestlers have and that they shouldn’t destroy other wrestler’s careers. Now I’m not one to split hairs here, but hasn’t Hogan been cited by numerous sources as one of the main reasons for the fall of WCW and why many young wrestlers in WCW did not get a push? Anyway...

Next up was Abyss versus Desmond Wolfe in a Monster’s Ball match. Though you might to know it, Desmond Wolfe is one of the best technical wrestlers in TNA, if not the industry (watch some of his matches with Kurt Angle or Bryan Danielson on YouTube to see what I mean), so what do TNA do with such a gifted talent? They get him to hit Abyss over the head with a kendo stick a few times. These type of matches had their place about 10-15 years ago, but they just piss me off now. Why TNA still insists on these is beyond me. Abyss took some pretty hard shots with bin lids and a kendo stick and gets cut up with a board wrapped in barbed wire. It seemed odd that TNA would couple a hardcore match with a goofy ‘Beauty and the Beast’ style storyline. I’ve got to admit that I nearly pissed myself laughing when Desmond Wolfe pulled a teddy bear, wrapped in barbed wire, out of one of the bins. Hardcore! The match came to a climax and Wolfe wanted his brass knuckles from Chelsea (not realising that the ring was scattered with other potential sources of injury for Abyss). But... Shock upon shock! Chelsea gave the knuckles to Abyss who socked Wolfe and put him in a Black Hole Slam and getting the pin. Chelsea was stood, barbed-wired teddy bear in hand, aww... At this point I was expecting an anthropomorphic teapot to start a chorus with the teddy bear, singing a song about beauty being more than skin-deep or something. This match was just stupid... though I’m looking forward to the Match made in Heaven between Abyss and Chelsea booked for the next PPV... maybe...

Next up was, for me, one of the highlights of the PPV, Jay Lethal versus AJ. I’m really glad to see Lethal getting a push, he’s still got his comedy stuff, but now he’s himself which is great. I thought his entrance theme sucked donkey anus. I know they’ve dropped the Black Machismo gimmick, but they really needn’t have given him some generic rock music. Would have been funnier, even if it was for the short-term, for Lethal to come out to Flair’s theme, or at least a reworking of it, but what do I know?

The match was really good, and saw Lethal and AJ at their best. For some reason though, the crowd was a bit flat, maybe they’d yawned themselves to sleep with the Beauty and the Beast match? Lots of Flair-style chops and figure-four leg locks throughout. AJ even gave a nod to one of the other Horsemen, Arn Anderson, with a pretty nasty looking brain buster on Lethal. Wrestlers should watch this match to learn how to sell. With Lethal working on AJ’s knee we had AJ limping around a bit, then when it looked like AJ was going to suddenly forget about his injury and go up-top, his knee went from under him on the second rope. This is such a small detail, but one which certain wrestlers could learn from *cough* ROB VAN DAM *cough*. Lethal won with the pin... a very good match.

At the end of the match we saw a bit of a dressing down on AJ by Flair, and Kaz came out to calm him down. Flair reminded of the character Pop from League of Gentlemen when he finds out that his son was robbed:



I was hoping at this point in the match that Kaz would start kicking the shit out of AJ, but alas, he took Flair away and we are left with hints of a feud between Kaz and AJ which could be pretty cool.

Next up was the match between Hardy/Anderson, sorry, the Enigmatic Assholes, and Beer Money. Even though they’d spent far too much time hyping this match up on Impact, I had completely forgotten about it by the time it came on. On the whole, this wasn’t a bad match; it was just a bit dull. Beer Money lost, and nobody cared.

Finally, we had the main event Rob van Dam versus Sting. I really wanted to see RVD get beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat, but it wasn’t my night. Unsurprisingly RVD won. Unsurprisingly RVD didn’t sell or display any in-ring psychology. Unsurprisingly, Rob Van Dam did that thing with his arms to get people to chant his initials at every available opportunity. Unsurprisingly, Van Dam did the same spots he was doing over a decade ago. Unsurprisingly, there was a ref bump and a run-in by Jarrett. Unsurprisingly, the match was unsurprising. The amount of times I groaned and tutted during this match made me sound like I was speaking some weird African dialect.

Woooo!!!! Mr TNA won!!!! Woooo!!!! RVD RVD RVD!!!!! Whole fucking show!!!! Woooo!!!!

I’m now officially sick of RVD. He got handed the championship and he’s a boring egomaniac. TNA have always bumped ex-WWE wrestlers to the top of their roster without realising that it is damaging for them in the long-run. TNA are doing the right thing with Jay Lethal, letting him find his feet then putting him over when he was ready. Rob Van Dam is not Mr TNA, at the moment, that would go to AJ, or Lethal, or Kaz, or whoever really. If TNA ever want to compete with WWE on a serious level, they need to put their own home grown talent above the ex-WWEers, otherwise they’ll always be seen as the company that repackages the WWE rejects. One of the reasons that WCW failed was because they didn’t spend enough time building up their own talent. The WWE spends time building characters up. Look at Steve Austin, who was the Ring Master when he came to WWE, or Reverend Batista, or Johnny Nitro, or Rocky Maivia, or Hunter Hirst Helmsley... you get the picture.

Ahh, it’s good to be back at the helm of the good ship Socko...