A review of all things Pro Wrestling. WWE Raw, Smackdown, NXT, TNA Impact, PWG, WCW, ECW, CZW, IWP, NWA, ROH and much more.
Features, reviews. Greatest matches and promos, worst matches and characters. Predictions and opinions.
Can you smell what the Sock is cooking?
After much pressure from Socko I have decided to go back to my crappiest heel gimmicks, this time I will be looking at "the Ugandan Giant" Kamala.
What can I say about this gentleman apart from the fact that he's about as African as an Inuit. Kamala AKA James Harris was born and raised in Mississippi.
Looking at his in ring gimmick, an African cannibal? Barefoot and loincloth clad he would show of some pretty impressive technical wrestling skills before finishing them off with a running splash. Many times this splash would be when they are face down and he would attempt to pin them in that state - at this point his manager would point out to him that he needs to turn them over, this would usually eat up about a minute of TV time - towards the end of his WWF run he would be assisted by the crowd.
An early match featuring the Ugandan Giant.
The mic skills of this guy weren't great, he had a string of managers to do his talking for him including Harvey Wippleman, Freddie Blassie and some gimpish explorer with a strange white face mask on.
Early in his career with WWF they would do promo's of him "eating" live chickens (they would create a situation with lots of feather and make out like it's dinner time).
His character was involved in quite an interesting feud with The Undertaker, this feud gave birth to Casket Matches. In order to hold Kamala's large stature in a coffin, The Undertaker needed to build an especially large one - this took a few weeks and was seemingly only worked on during promo's!
This classic promo features The Undertaker and the now legendary Paul Bearer letting Kamala know what's in store and that he should be a tad scared.
And so it came to pass, Kamala was sealed into the casket and his character became nervous and agitated. This was towards the end of his WWF career and he had brief a run as a babyface where the Reverend Slick would attempt to humanise him with hilarious consequences. On one occasion he was taught to use a bowl.
He had a trial for WCW and appeared once or twice but nothing really came of it.
He did also make a couple of comebacks in the WWE by taking part in the Gimmick battle royal which was won by The (legendary) Iron Sheik and made a couple of appearances on Raw.
I’ve enjoyed TNA Xplosion over the past few weeks; there have been some pretty decent matches. Over the past few weeks we’ve seen the return of Homicide, Suicide (who has lost about 60 pounds and shrunk a few inches since he was last on Impact) and Amazing Red (back in his old ring-gear, I might add). There’s also been some matches with Generation Me and the new tag team of Wolfe and Magnus.
In the latest episode we have the first two matches for the tag-team title number one contendership. First, we have a promo with Hernandez and Rob Terroid who have been pushed together as some kind of powerhouse tag team. What I found a little odd is that Herndandez was illustrating his tag team credentials by going on about LAX, and what great chemistry they had (why the fuck are TNA not putting them back together?) In his way, Hernandez cuts a pretty decent promo, but when the mic was passed to Terroid and you had his Welsh drawl saying he would give Magnus and Wolfe the beating of their lives, you realise how green Big Rob is.
Next up we had Socko’s own promo of the week with Magnus, Wolfe and his white slave Chelsea (I wish they’d either do something with the storyline or just get rid of her.) This was pretty amusing promo and you can watch it in my previous post. My favourite part of the promo has to be Chelsea acting like she’s uncomfortable: she looks like she’s trying not to fart.
With promo number two over, we cut to another promo, this time with Ink Inc., the tag team named after countless tattoo shops throughout the world. People at TNA should do a little bit of work on licensing, idiots. Anyway, if anyone is interested in what a contradiction is , then this is the promo to watch. Shannon Moore talks about how they both think outside of the box and are individuals and unique, whist both members simultaneously adopt all the signifiers of ‘rebellion’: the Mohawk (that haircut that’s been the individual’s choice of haircut for the past 30 years, very outside of the box), tattoos and leather jackets. I bet they ride around on motorcycles and listen to rock music as well. The rebellious sods. And then, if you weren’t promo’d out enough. Gen Me give a pretty poor promo about taking out Ink Inc. Yawn.
After almost ten minutes, the first match begins. Herndandoid versus the Wankers (at least that’s what I think they should be called). On announcing Rob Terry, we hear SoCal Val botching her lines, almost announcing him as the Global Champion, haha! The match started off pretty slow with Terroid doing a few power moves on Wolfe. Wolfe is made to look like a complete tit, as he’s trying arm-based submissions with Terroid not even flinching. With Hernandez and Magnus being tagged in, the pace picks up a bit, but only a bit. The match went on like this and the Wankers won using the traditional heel cheat ending.
Next up was Ink Inc. versus Gen Me. This was pretty much as I expected it to be some very fluid moves, some innovations by Gen Me, some great double team and aerial moves. Jesse Neal is really starting to get into the groove, I never used to rate him, but tagging with Moore he’s starting to show some potential. Ink Inc. got the pin with the Boregasm. A pretty good match in all.
So next week is the finals, I predict Ink Inc. will get the number one contendership, but we shall see. Would actually be nice to Magnus and Wolfe win some matches and actually do something on Impact.
This week’s Ring of Honor kicked off with a recap of Necro Butcher’s angle that he was short of money and could not afford to pay for his medical bills, an angle which would not work in the UK with our glorious and highly communistic National Health Service. Anyway, so with Necro not being able to pay his bills, he decides to hook-up with one-time WWE jobber Price Nana and become part of his stable, the Embassy. Instead of a pauper entering, we see Necro dressed in a flashy robe and apparently wearing a Rolex. Nana describes Necro as ‘the crown jewell’ of the Embassy. Here in the UK, we use the term crown Jewells to refer to one’s testicular area, so essentially Nana is calling Necro a big testical. After a bit of an incoherent promo, the match begins: Necro Butcher versus Bobby “The Jobber” Beverly. The match was under ‘Butcher’s Rules’ which, as far as I can make out, is exactly the same as Raven’s rules: basically a no DQ match. The match on the whole was pretty lame, with Necro dominating throughout. There were some pretty cool spots during the match, for example when Necro scooped up the Jobber using a steel chair and then slammed him down to the canvas, chair and all, Necro also did a chokeslam and a Sit Out Powerbomb onto two chairs (one is never enough) to get the pin. What was perhaps the nastiest move of the match came in the post-match beat-down, when Necro used a standing chair as an aid to a nasty looking Back Breaker. Next up was Eddie Edwards in one of his Ten Minute Hunt matches to be in contendership for the coveted TV Title. If the videos remain on YouTube, you will notice the beauty and quality of the graphics for this segment. Every time I see Eddie Edwards I am always made to think of Olympic ski-jumper Eddie ‘the Eagle’ Edwards. For this reason alone, I was gunning for Edwards. Edwards’ opponent for this match-up was the Andy ‘Right Leg’ Ridge, a wrestler famour for having a right leg. After questioning Right Leg’s sexual prowess, Eddies hits him with the mic and match begins. Eddie spends much time during the match working on Ridge’s left leg, not realising that Ridge’s power is drawn from the right. Edwards hits a nasty Lariat and then Powebomb’s Ridge to an single-legged Boston Crab to get the win by submission. The match lasted around four minutes and was pretty mediocre. The camera cuts to a promo with Austin Aries, dressed in a suit, wearing aviator sunglasses and smoking a pipe, alongside Rhett Titus and Kenny King. What I found out in this promo was that you need to have a licence to be a manager in professional wrestling, and that Aries has one, but states that he’s still going to wrestle. Aries made a sly jab at Jim Cornette, referring to him as a‘mama's boy with a tennis racket'. You tell him, Austin. Back in the ring, Cornette brings Strong out for an interview. I was difficult to tell that Strong is a heel, because if he was in WWE or TNA, he’d be wearing a suit damn it. How do you know a guy’s bad if he’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt? The promo was pretty bizarre, it began with Stong going on about how he’s been screwed by everyone in the company, but has found someone to tell him ‘The Truth’ and introduced his new mentor Truth Martin (geddit?) who came to the ring with Christian Abel and Josh Raymond. The mic is passed to Martini who rambles about being a Life Intervention Expert and says the Strong isn’t to blame: it’s all Tyler Black’s fault (now it makes sense). With a few more minutes of incoherence, the crowd were visibly and audibly getting bored. Cornette then referred to Martini as a ‘snake oil salesman’. Oooh. Onto the main event: Tyler Black, Jerry Lynn and Delirious versus Austin Aries, Kenny King and Rhett Titus. The brawling begins before the match starts. You can tell that wrestlers don’t like each other when they fight before the bell rings, and with RoH’s code of honour, this just goes to underline this. With King and Lynn in the ring, the bell rings and match starts officially. Thank goodness that the violence was now contained within the legitimate boundaries of a wrestling match. On the whole, this was a decent match, there were some great moments such as Black and Lynn delivering stereo F-5s onto King and Aries then take Titus up for a double F-5 on him. The match ended with what I think was a DQ due to Delirious throwing Aries onto a chair. The brawling continued outside, but there was no real ending to the match. In summary, this was a mixed bag: there was far too much time spent on pointless promos which didn’t add much to storylines. The first two matches were squash matches which had very little purpose and the final match, though pretty good, lacked a sense of closure.
I usually try and avoid the internet speculation and rumour mill, but I couldn't resist sharing this from TNA Asylum, which is *usually* quite reliable, regarding Tommy Dreamer. Now those of us who have been watching the show over the last month will have seen Dreamer in the crowd at PPV and Impact tapings. This is apparently because he is now part of TNA's creative team.
As many of you have noticed Impact has improved. Dreamer is now apart of the creative team. Dreamer met Dixie months before joining TNA. Many have spoken of Heyman to TNA. That still a very strong possibilty at the moment. Thing is if he comes Dreamer will still book. Heyman wants to spend his time in TNA marketing. Dreamer has become Dixie's right hand man. Dreamer's the reason we see no Rob Terry, Orlando Jordan, and Rosie Lottalove on Impact. Dreamer said the only way he'll join TNA is if he was apart of creative. Dixie was very impressed with him. Bubba Ray also helps out in creative.
Dreamer wants to cut and add certain wrestlers. Most the guys he booked in WWE developmental, and ECW are excited about his new role. Dreamer's made it known he wants Daniels back in TNA. He also asked Hogan, and Sting to take an Undertaker type schedule. Dreamer is very well liked around the industry. He created antmosphere backstage where talent can make suggestions. Unlike Russo who hated talent bringing him different ideas. Dreamer isn't a fan of Anderson being a face at all. Dreamer also wants the X Divison to have a more international feel about it.
Dreamer has singled out AAA stars Aerostar, Jack Evans, Extreme Tiger, and the Apache Sisters. He also wants Sarah Stock do her Dark Angel gimmick. Dreamer's a big fan of Alissa Flash and wants to revamp the KO divison. He has setup another tryout match for Ken Doane. He knows Doane very well from OVW and WWE. Dreamer put in good words for Jimmy Yang, Carlito, Mike Knox, and several indy stars. Dreamer is also taking suggestions from Raven.
Dreamer has convinced TNA to hold off on signing guys not ready. The idea is to try and create new stars by elevating personal feuds. The feeling he has TNA needs to give fans a reason to cheer for talent or hate them. Just recently he told Red to use his old ring gear again. Dreamer told Red his old gear was a better way to market his image. The shirtless look made him look plain in the eyes of most viewers. Red went back to his old gear on the Houseshows this past weekend. Dreamer wants to make Red a big star.
TNA will see the return of a few NJPW stars. Creative plans on trying to make the Guns, Red, Wolfe, and Pope bigger stars in the eyes of viewers. Many may look over the fact that Dreamer booked ECW. He also was a big part of OVW when Heyman booked. Dreamer from all accounts know what he's doing. The guys who he wants to see excel most is Joe and Abyss. He want to make sure those two become the standard bearers of TNA new direction. So in the coming weeks look for a more edgy in your face show. No matter who TNA hires rather it be Sullivan or Heyman. Dreamer will still have alot of say in the booking.
If this is true, this is awesome news, if it's false, then TNA should take notice and put this sort of shit in motion!
Some points of interest:
Dreamer's the reason we see no Rob Terry, Orlando Jordan, and Rosie Lottalove on Impact.
This is great, I hope it continues, though I do feel slightly sorry for Jordan who is actually pretty decent in the ring.
Dreamer's made it known he wants Daniels back in TNA.
This is a good idea, but we need the Fallen Angel from 2005-6 rather than the guy who jobs for Val Venis. If recent ROH is anything to go by, Daniels still has the intensity on the mic that made him a staple of TNA a few years ago.
He created antmosphere backstage where talent can make suggestions. Unlike Russo who hated talent bringing him different ideas.
This is also excellent news, this will hopefully lead to less recycling and the attitude of "if it didn't work in WCW/WWE it will definitely work in TNA". On the flipside of this, too much input could lead to wrestlers' egos getting way out of control. Hopefully Dreamer will play this right.
Dreamer isn't a fan of Anderson being a face at all.
Anderson has got over with the fans as a face though, if he can be a heel and still be over, that is the sign of good booking.
Dreamer also wants the X Divison to have a more international feel about it.
I think that this is a great idea, maybe Eric Young could join another stable for a few months? One of the great things about WCW back in the day was that it mixed Lucha Libre and Japanese style wrestling in its cruiserweight division.
Dreamer's a big fan of Alissa Flash and wants to revamp the KO divison.
Flash was awesome, they should also bring back Hamada and bring in Daizee Haze.
Dreamer put in good words for Jimmy Yang, Carlito, Mike Knox, and several indy stars.
Don't bring in more WWE rejects!
Dreamer has convinced TNA to hold off on signing guys not ready. The idea is to try and create new stars by elevating personal feuds. The feeling he has TNA needs to give fans a reason to cheer for talent or hate them.
I'm pretty sure that I've said this a dozen times.
Just recently he told Red to use his old ring gear again. Dreamer told Red his old gear was a better way to market his image. The shirtless look made him look plain in the eyes of most viewers. Red went back to his old gear on the Houseshows this past weekend. Dreamer wants to make Red a big star.
How many pushes will this guy get? Hopefully he'll be booked in some more feuds. The feud between Doug William and Brian Kendrick would make so much more sense if it was Williams and Red.
Creative plans on trying to make the Guns, Red, Wolfe, and Pope bigger stars in the eyes of viewers.
This is also great. I have made no secret of the fact that I consider Wolfe to be one of the greatest wrestlers in the world. The Guns are also awesome, and I'm sure that WWE are kicking themselves for letting Pope go.
The guys who he wants to see excel most is Joe and Abyss. He want to make sure those two become the standard bearers of TNA new direction.
Fuck yeah on the Joe side, Abyss is a waddling fat fuck, but I'm liking the return of the Monster, so glad they dropped the Beauty and the Beast shit with Chelsea, oh, and Lauren before that. AJ, Lethal and Doug Williams should be added to this list.
So, in summary, I hope that this is true, because it does seem too good to be true.
This week’s Ring of Honor started out with a pretty poor, non-title match between the Dark City Fight Club and the Kings of Wrestling. The Kings of Wrestling have been in some great matches, but this was not one of them.
The Dark City Fight Club are what you would get if Mark Henry tagged with his spastic brother. The timings were way off, they sold injuries worse than Hogan, and, well, they just sucked anus.
The match went nowhere, the KoW did some of their usual spots and then the Briscoes turned up in revenge for insulting their daddy at the last PPV.
This is where it went a bit stupid. With the Briscoes set for revenge, ROH security and most of the locker room came out to stop them. The KoW made a quick escape and the Briscoes went at it with security.
This was a shit end to a shit match. I wouldn’t even give it one star. It was probably because the match was so bad that the Briscoes got the biggest pop of the night.
Next up was a women’s match between Daizee Haze verus Jamilia Craft. This really surprised me as to just how good it was, and might actually be one of the best women’s wrestling matches I think I’ve seen. A lot of really strong technical wrestling and completely wipes the floor with WWE at the moment: men and women. Also this match shows what the Knockout division could be capable of if TNA gave it a bit more time and got in some better wrestlers. You know it’s a bad state of affairs when the penile reactions of teenage boys have a direct effect upon the women we tend to see in the ring.
TNA/WWE management: “Well there’s a choice between this really good technical wrestler who is just amazing in the ring, or there’s this bleach-blonde stick with bolt-on tits who will make even the most basic of moves look shit...”
Teenage boy: “Tits.”
Grotty little bastards.
Anyway, the match was won by Daizee Haze with a German Suplex to pin. I’d give this match four and a half stars, and could probably be the best women’s match we’ll see for a good while.
Next up was an interview segment with Christopher Daniels. With him being pushed down the card and eventually let go by TNA, it’s easy to forget what a great promo this guy can give when he’s on form. This also goes for Davari, who was also in TNA. He hasn’t dropped the ‘hard-done-by-victim-of-racism’ type of thing he’s been doing since his WWE days, but still, he’s great on the mic.
Next up was the main event: The American Wolves versus Roderick Strong and Christopher Daniels. This was another fantastic match, probably one of the best tag matches I’ve seen in a while. These guys aren’t a bunch of spot monkeys like you get with the WWE, but have a real ring presence and excellent ring psychology. Each move seemed to have a purpose and didn’t seem to be done for the sake of doing a move that looks cool but doesn’t really fit in with the match. For such a good match, the crowd didn’t seem to be into as much as I would have expected, but what do I know, I just know what I like and what I don’t.
This match was 20 minutes long, this wasn’t a PPV or a championship match, it was just a good-length match that felt right and worked so much better than the four minutes of wrestling-lite you get with the WWE. The match was given time to evolve and develop and it really showed.
For the last minute of the match I was on the edge of my seat. Daniels tried to get the BME and Davey Richard ran up and hit Daniels with a German superplex from the top rope for a quick pin. I’d give this match four stars.
On the whole, this wasn’t a bad episode, the first match was awful, but the last two matches saved it. With no build up or hype, it’s fair to say that women’s match stole the show.
I have to say that I really like the way ROH structures its shows. They are heavy on the wrestling and there is hardly any in-ring rambling for 15 minutes. The matches are a decent length and are punctuated by old-style promos and vignettes. This gives opportunity to develop a storyline, but doesn’t turn a wrestling show into a talk show.
After 23 days in the wilderness, I’m back. So let’s not waste time and get to the review of TNA’s Slammiversary VIII. Before watching the PPV I caught up on the Impacts from the past three weeks and was surprised by the low key build-up for many of the matches, oh apart from Hardy/Anderson teaming up and the ‘Why Sting, why?’ angle still being as funny as hell. Why Sting, why?
The first match of the evening was a welcome surprise, but one, which upon reflection, fits in perfectly with Angle starting at the bottom (well, number 11) of the TNA top 10 rankings. TNA and consistent storylines don’t usually happen, so I’m interested to see how this one pans out. Anyway, in the opening match we had Kazarian and Kurt Angle. This is how a PPV or an episode of Impact should open, with a decent match. Of course, the match was so good that it probably made the rest of the show not look as good. The crowd intensity peaked during this match, so the rest of the event was just a little bit quieter (but thank God, throughout the first match one shrill scream could be heard throughout the match, which was most disconcerting, whoever that screaming woman was, would you please shut the fuck up in future?). What made me laugh was when the fans were chanting ‘USA USA USA’; who was that for exactly? Angle, who’s American or Kaz, who also happens to be an American? Give yourselves a pat on the back for that one.
There were some pretty awesome moves during this one, with Kaz having the upperhand early on even getting Angle with the Ulmari driver (that reverse tombstone thing), which with Angle’s neck the way it is, was pretty nasty. Angle beat Kaz with the ankle lock and moved up in the rankings.
Next up was Brian Kendrick versus Doug Williams for the X Division title. This match had been set up with Williams being against the high-flying style of the X-Division. Which is why Kendrick (also a heel, I might add) spent most of the match brawling in the ring with Douglas. Douglas then finished the match with one of the most uncomfortable and least graceful Tornado DDTs I think I’ve ever seen. With Kendrick grounded, the storyline just didn’t make a lot of sense, and with Kendrick avoiding the mic like someone’s offering him a poo to smell the match had little build-up. The only thing I learnt through Impact is that Kendrick is a psycho.... just like Nailz... Instead of Kendrick, they should have had Amazing Red, at least the disparity in styles would have been more pronounced and the crowd would have given a shit. Overall though, not a bad match
Next we had a bit with Eric Bischoff asking ‘Why Sting, why?’ Yawn. He then went on to talk about how great Rob Van Dam is. Yawn. Bischoff makes a great heel, but when he’s a babyface he is completely boring. If TNA need to have Eric Bischoff (which they don’t), then bring back Sleazy E, at least that way he’ll be vaguely entertaining.
Next up was Roxxi versus Madison Rayne for the Knockouts title. I must have been in the mood for self-flagellation because I knew this was going to be a stinker, but watched it anyway to see how bad it would be. The match began with Madison coming to the ring and takes the mic, she starts moaning to Roxxi that she has everything to lost and Roxxi has everything to gain, clearly not realising defending a title is meant to work. The match becomes a title versus career match, and as Roxxi was agreeing, Madion smacked her in the head with the mic and busted he wide open. It looked like a blade job, but it wasn’t. What it confirmed was that Roxxi is actually the daughter of Ric Flair, because no one else bleeds like that. Madison won, but when it comes to it, the Knockouts division is a joke now (they bring in a fat stripper, but ignore Hamada and Sarita, what the fuck?) and when it comes to it Roxxi’s been in about three matches this year, so she hadn’t exactly made waves on TNA. Not quite the stinker I thought it would be, but still a pretty poor match.
Next up was Brother Ray versus Jesse Neal in a Teacher versus Student match. This storyline from the beginning struck me a being weak and made Brother Ray look like a bit of a dick. Anyway, the match began with Brother Ray taking to the mic and apologising for being an arse candle and there were hugs all round. Just in case you forgot, this is a PPV, use the build up to cut promos... for fuck’s sake... but wait! Shock upon shock! It was all a ruse. Brother Ray socked Jesse on the head and threw him about 10 foot to the other side of the ring... much better, can we have some wrestling now please? The match played out like a squash match with Brother Ray beating on Jesse throughout. But then, I think we had the earth-shattering arrival of... Tommy Dreamer? Now don’t get me wrong, Tommy Dreamer was great, but that was over a decade ago. Also, he was retired by Zack Ryder (yes, the Raw jobber who’s still yet to win a match on Raw), which doesn’t exactly make him look like the most dominant of wrestlers. Hopefully his role will be similar to what Shane Douglas’s was back in the early days of TNA, or maybe he’ll bring Taz out of retirement. But honestly, I can’t see where he would fit in an already top-heavy roster. Anyway, with the distraction of Dreamer appearing in the crowd, Jesse took Brother Ray down with a spear for the pin. Pretty mediocre match.
Next up was Hernandez versus Matt Morgan, which was one of the few matches on this PPV I was excited about. The match began with Morgan coming out in his normal clothes, wearing a neck brace and selling a neck injury. He comes to the ring and, because this is a PPV, takes the mic to cut a promo. He handed the ref a doctor’s note which said he could not ‘perform’ (don’t say that, people will find out that wrestling’s fake!). As he walked away from the ring Hernandez arrived and threw him into the ring. Two matches in a row and two attempted swerves... don’t use the same gimmick two matches running. Anyway, the match was pretty evenly matched most of the way through with Hernandez working on Morgan’s neck and then Morgan going to work on Supermex’s shoulder. With months of aggression building up in Hernandez in his bid to get revenge over Morgan, how did the match end? With Supermex getting DQed for throwing the ref, I’m not even kidding. The brawling continued until the referee tried to stand in front of a kick and go smacked in the chest. This match was pretty disappointing and had a pointless ending. Let’s hope that Supermex reforms LAX again.
Next up was an interview with Hulk Hogan who was asking ‘Why Sting, why?’ Complaining that Sting had crossed the line (which is what I thought TNA was all about: their tagline is ‘Cross the Line’ for fuck’s sake, but of course Hogan wouldn’t know that because he’s only in it for his own ego). Hogan then went on to talk about ‘the code of ethics’ wrestlers have and that they shouldn’t destroy other wrestler’s careers. Now I’m not one to split hairs here, but hasn’t Hogan been cited by numerous sources as one of the main reasons for the fall of WCW and why many young wrestlers in WCW did not get a push? Anyway...
Next up was Abyss versus Desmond Wolfe in a Monster’s Ball match. Though you might to know it, Desmond Wolfe is one of the best technical wrestlers in TNA, if not the industry (watch some of his matches with Kurt Angle or Bryan Danielson on YouTube to see what I mean), so what do TNA do with such a gifted talent? They get him to hit Abyss over the head with a kendo stick a few times. These type of matches had their place about 10-15 years ago, but they just piss me off now. Why TNA still insists on these is beyond me. Abyss took some pretty hard shots with bin lids and a kendo stick and gets cut up with a board wrapped in barbed wire. It seemed odd that TNA would couple a hardcore match with a goofy ‘Beauty and the Beast’ style storyline. I’ve got to admit that I nearly pissed myself laughing when Desmond Wolfe pulled a teddy bear, wrapped in barbed wire, out of one of the bins. Hardcore! The match came to a climax and Wolfe wanted his brass knuckles from Chelsea (not realising that the ring was scattered with other potential sources of injury for Abyss). But... Shock upon shock! Chelsea gave the knuckles to Abyss who socked Wolfe and put him in a Black Hole Slam and getting the pin. Chelsea was stood, barbed-wired teddy bear in hand, aww... At this point I was expecting an anthropomorphic teapot to start a chorus with the teddy bear, singing a song about beauty being more than skin-deep or something. This match was just stupid... though I’m looking forward to the Match made in Heaven between Abyss and Chelsea booked for the next PPV... maybe...
Next up was, for me, one of the highlights of the PPV, Jay Lethal versus AJ. I’m really glad to see Lethal getting a push, he’s still got his comedy stuff, but now he’s himself which is great. I thought his entrance theme sucked donkey anus. I know they’ve dropped the Black Machismo gimmick, but they really needn’t have given him some generic rock music. Would have been funnier, even if it was for the short-term, for Lethal to come out to Flair’s theme, or at least a reworking of it, but what do I know?
The match was really good, and saw Lethal and AJ at their best. For some reason though, the crowd was a bit flat, maybe they’d yawned themselves to sleep with the Beauty and the Beast match? Lots of Flair-style chops and figure-four leg locks throughout. AJ even gave a nod to one of the other Horsemen, Arn Anderson, with a pretty nasty looking brain buster on Lethal. Wrestlers should watch this match to learn how to sell. With Lethal working on AJ’s knee we had AJ limping around a bit, then when it looked like AJ was going to suddenly forget about his injury and go up-top, his knee went from under him on the second rope. This is such a small detail, but one which certain wrestlers could learn from *cough* ROB VAN DAM *cough*. Lethal won with the pin... a very good match.
At the end of the match we saw a bit of a dressing down on AJ by Flair, and Kaz came out to calm him down. Flair reminded of the character Pop from League of Gentlemen when he finds out that his son was robbed:
I was hoping at this point in the match that Kaz would start kicking the shit out of AJ, but alas, he took Flair away and we are left with hints of a feud between Kaz and AJ which could be pretty cool.
Next up was the match between Hardy/Anderson, sorry, the Enigmatic Assholes, and Beer Money. Even though they’d spent far too much time hyping this match up on Impact, I had completely forgotten about it by the time it came on. On the whole, this wasn’t a bad match; it was just a bit dull. Beer Money lost, and nobody cared.
Finally, we had the main event Rob van Dam versus Sting. I really wanted to see RVD get beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat, but it wasn’t my night. Unsurprisingly RVD won. Unsurprisingly RVD didn’t sell or display any in-ring psychology. Unsurprisingly, Rob Van Dam did that thing with his arms to get people to chant his initials at every available opportunity. Unsurprisingly, Van Dam did the same spots he was doing over a decade ago. Unsurprisingly, there was a ref bump and a run-in by Jarrett. Unsurprisingly, the match was unsurprising. The amount of times I groaned and tutted during this match made me sound like I was speaking some weird African dialect.
I’m now officially sick of RVD. He got handed the championship and he’s a boring egomaniac. TNA have always bumped ex-WWE wrestlers to the top of their roster without realising that it is damaging for them in the long-run. TNA are doing the right thing with Jay Lethal, letting him find his feet then putting him over when he was ready. Rob Van Dam is not Mr TNA, at the moment, that would go to AJ, or Lethal, or Kaz, or whoever really. If TNA ever want to compete with WWE on a serious level, they need to put their own home grown talent above the ex-WWEers, otherwise they’ll always be seen as the company that repackages the WWE rejects. One of the reasons that WCW failed was because they didn’t spend enough time building up their own talent. The WWE spends time building characters up. Look at Steve Austin, who was the Ring Master when he came to WWE, or Reverend Batista, or Johnny Nitro, or Rocky Maivia, or Hunter Hirst Helmsley... you get the picture.
Ahh, it’s good to be back at the helm of the good ship Socko...
This is going to be my last post for a while. I'm going to a place with no internet or phone signal for at least 3 weeks. Maybe it's to sell an injury, maybe it's to finish a book on early-20th century sculptor Jacob Epstein, maybe it's to make chairs using traditional methods; who knows...
anyway I thought I'd leave you with a nice little video which has got Hulk Hogan crying like a bitch. This is from Pro Wrestling Insider:
"Hulk Hogan is going to the mat against The Flintstones.
Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, is suing the maker of Cocoa Pebbles, accusing the company of appropriating his image in commercials for the cereal.
In the "Cocoa Smashdown" commercial, a cartoon character resembling Hogan easily beats Fred and Barney inside the ring. But then Bamm-Bamm steps in and pounds the blond-haired, mustachioed wrestler to bits.
Hulk, the federal lawsuit states, "is shown humiliated and cracked into pieces with broken teeth, with the closing banner, 'Little Pieces…BIG TASTE!'"
The commercial character goes by the name "Hulk Boulder," which Hogan's lawsuit says is a name he used early in his career until wrestling promoter Vince McMahon decided he should have an Irish name.
The lawsuit says Post Foods never sought or received Hogan's permission to use his likeness to promote the cereal. Hogan says he raised his objections with Post in August, but the ads continued.
Hogan says he is marketing his own products, including the Hogan Energy drink and Hulkster Burgers, a line of microwaveable hamburgers and chicken sandwiches sold at Walmart.
The wrestler contends he has been harmed by, among other things, "the unauthorized and degrading depictions in the Cocoa Smashdown advertisements."
A Post spokesperson could not immediately be reached for comment."
I don't claim to be a legal expert, so I could be talking out of my anus, but I'm pretty sure that parody comes under Fair Usage... anyway, Hulk Boulder has far too much hair to even be considered a copy...
So, with my drunken and incoherent ramble over The Clown’s predictions late last night, I figured it was time to write a more considered review.
The first thing I need to say about Sacrifice is that two things completely sucked: the crowd and Tazz’s announcing. I’m usually a fan of Tazz’s commentaries, but, man, he was seriously off his game this time. For most of the PPV, the crowd were flat; they didn’t seem to give a shit about the matches. Maybe this is because the PPV was in the Impact Zone, or maybe it’s because TNA management hadn’t spent much time building up any of the matches for people to really give a shit about who wins or loses. Also, it seems that JB has been promoted to ring announcer...
First up we had the number one contenders’ match for the tag team titles between Motor City Machine Guns, Beer Money and 3D. It wasn’t the greatest match I’ve seen these guys in, the Dudleys were kept out of it for most the match so it seemed like MCMG versus Beer Money. The crowd were flat until the final moment of the match when Sabin got the pin on Brother Ray.
Next up was the Global Championship between Roid Terry and Orlando Jordan. The build up to this match was centred around that bi-sexual gimmick, which as The Clown pointed out, is just daft. What came out of this match was the real feeling that Terry really can’t wrestle for shit and that Jordan is actually a decent performer and doesn’t need to go for the Goldust angle. Terry won with what Tazz described as “a spine-buster like move” – looked like a choke slam to me. Considering Terry is basically a crapper version of Batista, this match wasn’t that bad. Jordan’s move-set is pretty old-skool and it’s nice to see a good old fashioned leg-drop every now and again. TNA really need to get rid of Rob Terry; the guy’s a fucking joke. It’s probably for the best that TNA did away with the ‘gay’ angle, but if you’re going to build up a storyline into a match you should at least carry it on. Knowing TNA, the O-Zone will be back on Thursday and Jordan will come out looking like he’s been the spunk mop in a brothel.
After the match, we cut to a backstage promo which shows the Dudleys in their locker room licking their wounds. Ink Inc. (eugh, that name) go in and the Dudleys wish them luck and warn them that the Band might take their gripe with the Dudleys out on them. Neal say that they don’t need luck and they’ll take care of the Band for them. This pisses of Bubba, and after Ink Inc. leaves he rants to Devon about lack of respect, blah blah.
The third match of the evening was Kazarian versus Doug Williams for the X-Division title. I love the fact that this angle was written by an Icelandic volcano, but it was a pretty decent angle nonetheless. I was looking forward to this match because not only are Kazarian and Williams two of TNA’s most underrated stars, they also have two of the best finishers in the company. The match was pretty decent but was spoilt by a flat crowd and poor commentary; Tazz’s piss-poor announcing was saved by Taney’s wit, when he said something like “Kaz took a year out of the business and everyone thought it would be career suicide” – geddit? Suicide? Kaz was Suicide, he didn’t really leave. Geddit? The match worked really well with the angle of Williams hating the high-risk style of the X-Division and saw Kazarian going to work with some good, solid, technical wrestling. It was Williams who resorted to a high-risk move, going of the top rope and smacking Kaz’s face into the entrance ramp. I don’t know if this was done on purpose, but this was a nice subtle tough which added some complexity and hypocrisy to Williams’ character. There were some pretty cool moves in the match including a brain-buster variation and of course his Chaos Theory for the win. I would have liked to have seen Kaz’s fucked up backwards piledriver thing, but no such luck. I think Kazarian may be the only X-Division title holder to not actually have possession of the belt.
Next up was for the Knockout’s Championship between Tara and Madison Rayne, with Tara putting her career on the line if she didn’t win. It was no secret that her contract was up, so it was a bit of a pointless match. The Knockout division used to be pretty interesting as far as women’s wrestling goes. With characters like Hamada, Roxxi, Awesome Kong, Alisa Flash, etc. The Knockouts Division wasn’t the joke it is today. To my reckoning, this may have been Madison’s first one-on-one match on TV in TNA (which is a good feat for a single’s title holder!) The match stunk, and you could see that Tara was trying to make it look like a good match. Poor Tara. The crowd were in particularly bad form, especially for a career match; they didn’t seem to give a shit when she was pinned. It was only when Tara was being escorted away by security that a few chants of “thank you Tara” started up. Poor Tara; her last match and it was awful.
Next we had a short promo of Eric Young with Band. It seems that Eric Young may have his tongue firmly embedded into his cheek in this promo. He says something along the lines of “look at the players in TNA, nothing but wannabes and has-beens. I am the only one cool enough to hang out with the Band.” This made me laugh so hard I nearly popped a shit. Eric Young sounds like some geeky kid in primary school who’s been allowed to hang out with the cool kids... hahahaha! Because Hall and Nash are pretty old and can either, hardly walk, or are too fat to do much cardio-vascular stuff, Nash announced that the Band held the title, not just Hall and Nash. So, like the Fabulous Freebirds, any combination could defend the title at any given time. I glad that go cleared up.
So onto the tag team title match between the Band and Ink Inc. Contrary to what Nash had hinted at only moments before, it was actually Hall and Nash who waddled and limped to the ring, leaving EY backstage presumably to look after Hall and Nash’s grandkids or something. Unsurprisingly, this match was another stinker. Both Nash and Hall look so slow and bumbly in the ring, it’s not even funny anymore. The ref got knocked out, EY came out with a kendo stick. There was a bit of a kerfuffle. Brother Ray came out and interfered, beating on Jesse Neal. The Band retained the titles. Yawn.
Next we had the Ring vs Chelsea match between Abyssmal (geddit?) and Desmond Wolfe. Now, I didn’t realise that TNA condone white slavery, but clearly they do, as the stipulation if Wolfe lost was that Chelsea would become Abyss’s slave for 30 days in a boring Beauty and the Beast style set-up. Abyss looked pretty funny waddling around the ring with Wolfe. It must have been difficult for Wolfe going up against such a lame competitor. The match began with Wolfe being attacked on the ramp by Abyss while Chelsea sat watching from a throne (don’t ask, I don’t know). Again Tazz was coming out this some lame lines, though I nearly wet myself when he said that Chelsea “probably wants to throw up in her own mouth” – seriously, Tazz, what the fuck? So with Chelsea tasting bile in the back of her throat, Abyss choke slams Wolfe. Chelsea distracted Abyss and threw some brass knuckles into the ring. Wolfe smacked Abyss in the head and he goes down quicker than your mother for a can of cider. Wolfe goes in for the pin and Abyss gets up. This is where the match got fucking stupid. Abyss started Hulking up, Wolfe kept hitting Abyss, but for some reason he was immune to its effects. Abyss took Wolfe up for a Black Hole Slam for the pin. Victorious, Abyss spoke to Chelsea and spit went flying from his mouth onto her face and onto the camera lens; it was fucking disgusting. Poor Chelsea.
Next up we have Anderson and Hardy. I can’t actually remember what these guys are feuding about, but Anderson cut one of the best promos I’ve seen all year. I was literally laughing out loud, lol. I love it when small things in promos catch on. Getting the crowd chanting “I’m an asshole” was brilliant. I’m looking forward to seeing how this will work on TV. Will Spike censor the crowd every time this chant starts? I hope so, it will be like listing to the audio equivalent of a strobe light. This was probably the first time in the evening that the crowd started to get into the show, which made for better viewing and made for better in-ring performances. The match started with Anderson grounding Hardy for the first few minutes; there’s some pretty decent wrestling going on, but nothing even close to the level of Anderson and Angle at Lockdown. The match starts to step up when Hardy uses a chair to catapult himself towards Anderson in a textbook Sabu style dive over the top rope. Both competitors pulled out their usual signature moves, with Hardy doing a Swanton Bomb from the top rope for the win. The match ended with what could possibly be a double turn: Anderson held offered a handshake to Hardy, who refused and left him standing in centre of the ring.
We then cut to a promo with AJ Styles, who tells Christie that “these are dark times for TNA” – indeed they are, indeed they are. Poignantly we are now ready for one of the most pointless matches of the evening. I didn’t give a shit about this match, TNA hadn’t even bothered to build it up and the announcing was just awful throughout. “Why Sting? Why?” The match itself lasted for less than a minute and was really just a pre-match brawl in which Jarrett showed us his best Ric Flair impression by bleeding everywhere with that crazy bright red blood that only wrestlers seem to have running through their veins. Once they finally get in the ring, Sting does a Scorpion Death Drop and gets the pin-fall. Why Sting? Why? Sting continues his beat down and puts Jarrett’s shoulders between the ring steps and a baseball bat and stomps a couple of times. It is at this point that Hogan rushes out and, erm, does fuck all, but this ends the beat down. Why Sting? Why? Why didn’t Sting end on a high at Bound for Glory? Why Sting? Why?
Finally, we come to the main event. On paper, this is a dream match for me: AJ Styles versus Rob Van Dam. This match had some great moments, but I found it quite boring on the whole. The match was very slow to start with lots of posturing and stalling by both parties. At every opportunity during the match, RVD stood in the ring doing that arm thing in time with his name. Enough already! Flair came down to ringside only to be flanked by Lethal who gets him with some chops and a Figure Four Leglock. This was the best bit of the match. RVD did his Frog Splash and won, retaining the title and being a boring champion for at least another month... good to see Lethal in a main event though!
This week’s Smackdown opened with a title match for the Intercontinental Championship. If evidence were ever needed that this was a mid-belt and a mid-card show, the fact that a title shot was the first match only seems to support this. The match wasn’t bad, the momentum kept slipping, but by the end of the match it was starting to look up. With some pretty mediocre high-flying cross-body moves from both guys, the match ended with a win by pin-fall, with Kofi Kingston winning. I think the thing that surprised me the most about this match was the fact that it actually lasted for 10 minutes. I can’t remember the last time I watched an episode of Smackdown where the first fifteen minutes of the show weren’t taken up by some half-arsed in-ring promo. This is good, it’s like watching wrestling again!
In a shocking, sorry, predictable turn of events, Kingston’s celebration was cut short. Who should arrive at the ring but the ‘fired’ Drew McIntyre? I know that the McIntyre getting fire is just an angle, but why did the WWE play his entrance music? This might sound obvious, but surely if you want to give the impression that someone really has been fired and has turned up to the ring unannounced, it would make sense for the sound guys not to have the fired star’s entrance theme cued. Anyway, judging by the way McIntyre was dress, a more suitable entrance theme would have been Saturday Night Fever by the Bee Gees; a medallion and some chest hair would have finished the look beautifully.
We all know that one of the most dramatic things to watch on screen is someone standing there reading something that we are not privy to, right? McIntyre handed Teddy Long a note, which I assumed was a note from McIntyre’s mother excusing him from wrestling because he is going to a disco-themed murder mystery for his her birthday. And, alas! Kofi is stripped of his title. Hahahaha! Now this is wrestling! Like a bad boy who’s had his bottom smacked, Long hands the title back to McIntyre. Hahahaha! With chants of ‘you suck’ and more boos than outside of a paedophile’s trial, Drew left with his title (the title he won and didn’t lose, boooooo – the fans on Smackdown are ‘children and ideots’). I must be a master of predicting the complexities of the Smackdown story arcs, as last week I said: “Of course, there is not a possible chance in the world that Vince McMahonn will come out next week and overturn T-Lo's ruling, is there?” I am a genius.
Next we have a small promo of World Heavyweight Champion of the world, the All-American American American, Jack Swagger overseeing some guys unloading a truck... this is wrestling.
Next up was a match between Shad Gaspard, a guy with possibly the worst name in wrestling, against Jesse Guyver. As a teenager I used to be a big fan of the anime cartoon The Guyver and was hoping that the jobber would suddenly ‘bio-boost’ and become super-powerful because of some alien bio-armour... but as the guy was already in the ring and didn’t get an entrance theme, the word jobber came to mind and my desire for some manga style battle soon came crashing back down to reality. This was basically a squash match to make Shad look dominant – it was over quite quickly and there were no surprises.
Next up we had a match which saw MVP and JTG combine their initials in a tag match against a tag team with one of the worst names in WWE history: The Dude Busters. There might be a chance that WWE is starting to push its tag team division again, let’s see how this pans out. This was actually a pretty decent match, but the result was pretty obvious (MVPJTG won).
After a short promo with Punk forgiving Gallows and Sarina for having their minds poisoned by Mysterio, the show cuts to show a bunch of trophies being set up by the ring. You know what’s coming, right? Jack Bragger... Dull, dull, dull. I can’t wait for Big Show to win the title so we don’t have to listen to this bullshit, week in, week out. Who should come in and interrupt Swagger’s little monologue? Why, of course, it’s the Big Show and he’s breaking stuff.
After some Divas stuff, Kane comes out. I was bored of Kane over a decade ago and he’s still boring. Joining him in the ring was Chavvo Guerrero. In Kane’s usual fashion, we won by utilising the Undertaker’s move-set. Dull, dull, dull.
In the main event we see Punk go against Mysterio, again. The match was run of the mill and ended with a run-in by the Straight Edge Society – including that mysterious hooded member. Over the Limit looks to be a pretty dull PPV. Punk really needs to get some more interesting angles.
Seemed that the Clown missed this one on his review. In a short, promo Ink Inc. (eugh, I feel dirty just typing that) are talking about going against the Band for the tag titles. The footage, though edited so it happened after the Band had taken the belts was recorded at the same time that Doug Williams was going into the ring in an earlier match (you can clearly hear his music and entrance announcement).
This is a case of TNA management being extremely stupid, or Moore and Neal being psychic. I hope it is tha latter. With Hogan'ss magical ring, we're probably long overdue for a psychic tag team. Maybe they have telekinesis and suddenly you will see chairs being wielded by what looks like an invisible opponent... stupid TNA, this is why you should do Impact live.
This has to be one of CM Punk's finest moments since moving to WWE. After he retired Jeff Hardy on Smackdown the previous week, who should enter the arena...
I was reminded of this promo because of Jeff Hardy himself. In the recent Pro Wrestling Observer Newsletter it seems that Hardy was a little pissed by this promo:
"WWE's last unofficial offer to Jeff Hardy before he went to TNA had a $750,000 downside where he would only have to work 65 dates a year, giving him the biggest break on the schedule out of any WWE stars, including Shawn Michaels.
Obviously Hardy turned the deal down as he was upset that nobody backed him after his drug arrest and he was upset over the promos that WWE had CM Punk cut on him after he left the company. The feeling was that Hardy wasn't with the company at the time and the promos from Punk weren't business as they weren't used to build a match."
This week's Raw was a lot more entertaining than it has been of late, but the in-ring stuff, on the whole, still falls into the bracket of what I've been calling 'wrestling-lite'.
Raw opened with ol' snake eyes Randy Orton calling Edge out for a mic wrestle... But wait, that's not Edge's music, that's a Meatloaf song. So Meatloaf came out out to plug his new album, which no one under the age of 45 is likely to buy (it has a song written by Bon Jovi on it, hell yeah!). It's weird, when Meatloaf's not singing, the guy can be pretty entertaining. He was in the ring dancing round Orton trying to get Orton to have one of his songs as his theme song. Orton just stood there. Meatloaf then started singing in Orton's face. Orton just stood there. Meatloaf continues to piss Orton off. Orton's so wooden he makes Mokujin from Tekken seem like a viable alternative for spooning at bed time. The wooden man starts to move; it's a bit like that uncanny moment in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy realises that the scarecrow is alive. Orton then goes for his trademark RKO. With Orton's relationship with guest hosts, RKOing them at every opportunity, you can't help but think that Orton is a poor man's Stone Cold and the RKO is a cheap facsimile of the Stunner.
With Meatloaf out cold, Edge makes his appearence with Vicky Guerrero in tow, standing there like some greedy girl who's eaten the last block of butter. It seems that Edge has convinced WWE management to bring her in as General Manager. It's not great, but it's better than the guest host bullshit. There's a bit of a microphone exchange. Vicky puts Orton in a handicap match, which is quite appropriate as he looks a bit simple.
Next we have a pretty mediocre match between Mini-Bulldog and Jericho for a chance for Jiz to have a title shot at Over the Limit. He wins, the match is pretty uneventful.
Now for the guest host, who enters with R Truth: the one and only Flava Flav (who's on plugging some reality show or something). For those not familiar with Flava Flav, he was basically the talentless one from Public Enemy who would wear the big clock and stupid hats and whose ability on the mic went as far as him saying 'yeah, boiiiieee'. He didn't disappoint. Flava Flav entered looking like he'd just stepped off of the set for the Don't Believe the Hype' video shoot. Stupid hat, big clock and 'yeah, boiiiieee'. Like the Bez of hip-hop, Flava Flav had exhausted all of his gimmicks. With the match between Regal and Truth it was only a matter of time before something heel happened. And boom! Not one, but two Virgils come in the ring end the match in the form of Carlito and Primo. Dibiase comes out onto the ramp and pays them for their Virgilious services.
Next there was Divas promo spot. Now, I think that the Divas thing is a joke. Just a bit of wank fodder for teenage boys. WWE don't make any effort to take women's wrestling seriously, so I don't take the Divas seriously. Sorry ladies. In a promo spot, Maryse is showing that she does have some genuine athletic ability by showing her training with a martial arts coach. Just check out the bitch slap she gives this guy, it must have smarted like crazy.
With a pointless match with Jack Rider out of the way, we move onto Tyson Kid versus the Miz, if the Miz lost he would have to defend his American Championship title against a member of the Hart Family of his choosing. The match was over in a few seconds with Tyson Kid getting a quick pin. Tyson Kid has the most stupid hair in the WW; I imagine that this is how Tin Tin would do his hair if he got a job as a rent boy. So Miz chose to defend his title against Bret Hart, presumably so Bret can leave the WWE with some dignity this time.
Next up was a match with the NXT 'rookies' facing a team of John Morrison, Goldust and a couple of jobbers whose names escape me. The match was pretty poor except for the fact the Brian Danielson got the pin meaning his first WWE victory was on Raw. It's about time he started getting some heat, he should be on Raw already, not on some bullshit let-down of a reality show.
We then cut to one of the most entertaining promos of the night, featuring none other than, Cannock's finest, William Regal. As a mic wrestler, Regal's still got it, it's just a shame that WWE see fit to put him in the role of jobber on Raw, teaming him up with the token Russian heel guy, Boris whatever. In the promo Regal essentially lets Flava Flav know what time it is (geddit? Flava Flav wears a clock, geddit?), by letting him know that he is a talentless fuck who rides on the coatails of the infinitely more talented Chuck D. Okay, maybe he didn't quite go that far, but it's still funny... and topical!
Next we see Mark Henry getting choked out by Batista in a match that didn't happen. I was glad to see Mark Henry being done over in such a way. Yeah, he might be the world's strongest man, but he can't wrestle for shit and he looks like a fat bastard.
Then we have the spaz match with Randolf, Edge and Dibiase. Again, the match is pretty dull and Orton wins. By the end of the match he attacks Vicky G with the RKO after she pleads and offers her resignation. What a bastard.
Thank fuck that screeching bint has been let go.
In summary: another episode of wrestling lite with some pretty funny promos. Still, it's better than Smackdown.
At the start of Smackdown, Jeff Hardy came out looking like he'd put on a few pounds, especially around his face, maybe he's bloated through the drugs or maybe he just couldn't stop when the Pringles popped. Oh wait, that's Matt isn't it? Jeff's fat older brother, that makes sense. So Matt Hardy's out and he is cutting a promo about Drew McIntyre, and how Drew McIntyre was really mean to him. This is where the drama begins to unfold: Drew McIntyre enters, with a, wait for it, real life microphone. Just in case you didn't know that McIntyre is the heel, the bad guy, the one we're meant to boo, he's wearing a suit. That's how you know that a wrestler is a heel: he will come out wearing a suit. They talk for a while, threats are made, the story arcs are set up and then Drew makes his way to the ring. 8 minutes into Smackdown we see our first bit of in-ring action, it's more of a beat down than a match, but it sure is moving along quicker than last week's episode of Raw. The drama continues to unfold as Fat Matt and McIntyre are joined in the ring by officials trying to pull them apart. Old Drew is relentless, and with the blurry and shaky camera work, you can almost see him hit fat Matt. As the officials pull Drew away, who should make an entrance but Smackdown general manager Teddy Long. Instead of setting up a match between Hardy and McIntyre, Teddy lays down the law: he suspends McIntyre. Holy shit! Now the drama really is begining to unfurl. As you can imagine, Drew McIntyre is the not the king of guy to take this lightly, on the contrary, he takes it, erm, heavily and runs back to fat Matt to give him another beating. Now this was the final straw for Mr Long who declared the Drew McIntyre was to be stripped of his Intercontinental title. Holy shit! The drama is really unravelling now. Something like that will really put McIntyre in his place. Something like that will stop McIntyre wanting to beat on fat Matt. Wrong! McIntyre takes the stripping of his title heavier than the fat around fat Matt's fat neck. Like an autisic child, McIntyre doesn't make the link between cause and effect, doesn't make the link between action and consiquence; this guy's never even heard of Newton. So he goes again and beats on fat Matt. What else has the guy got to lose? He may as well get a few punches in before they drag his ass out of the building. Mistake. Teddy Long really lays the law down now and fires Drew McIntyre! Holy shit, now the drama has just gone mental in a dustbin, this is just nuts. Of course, there is not a possible chance in the world that Vince McMahonn will come out next week and overturn T-Lo's ruling, is there?
So, 15 minutes in we have our first match, a pretty uneventful affair between MVP and Luke Gallows, yawn. As I thought, this match was a set up for Rey Mysterio and CM Punk to have a microphone wrestle. The feud between Rey Mysterio and CM Punk has been going on since the road to Wrestlemania and they are still dragging this one out after 3 months. Let's recap: at Wrestlemania, if Mysterio lost he would have to join the Straight Edge Society; at Exteme Rules, if Punk lost he would have to have his hair shaved. How do you raise the stakes for Punk and Mysterio's rubber match at Over the Limit? What crazy stipulations will be pulled out of the bag for this one? Holy shit! If Mysterio lose he has to join the Straight Edge Society, if Punk loses he has to have his head shaved. With the stipulations combined, the WWE Universe are assured that this match will be as good as, or better than, the two previous matches. With a big chunk already cut out of Punk's hair, it's obvious that Mysterio will win. Okay, I know I said before that it was against the laws of physics and logic for Mysterio to lose against Punk, only to lose against Punk at Extreme Rules, but I'm a humble man, I can admit when I was wrong. But, when things are at stake for Mysterio, he has to win, he just has to.
With McIntyre out of the picture, what now for the Intercontinental title? Well, let me tell you. Mr Long sets up a tournament of the top four contenders to get the belt. This got me thinking, if Hardy and McIntyre hadn't had a fight and McIntyre hadn't been suspended, then stripped of his title, then fired, then this week's Smackdown would be coming to its main event at this point, making it a very short Smackdown indeed, it's almost as if this shit is planned or scripted, but that can't be, right?
Match one in the IC tournament was between Kofi Kingston and Dolph Zigler. When I saw Smackdown live a few months ago, one of best chants of the night was for Dolph Ziggler "he's Jeff Jarrett" *clap clap clap clap clap*. Again, we have another mediocre match, with Kofi Kingston moving on to the IC final next week.
Match two saw Cody Rhodes taking on Christian. This wasn't a bad match, a lot of energy and some pretty decent moves. Christian went on to win, and I predict will win the IC belt then have to defend it at over the limit against McIntyre.
The final match of the evening was Jack Swagger versus Kane in a non-title bout. Kane in a main event? Kane? Maybe over a decade ago, but I thought that Kane's role was to take out jobbers to fill in some time between the proper matches. Swagger entered the ring and began telling us more of his achievements. What a great guy, he's so smart and athletic. Oh wait, he's a heel, "boooooo". The match begins and who should join the announcers but Big Show. There's no way he's going to sit at the side of the ring is he? The match lasts for a little over 5 minutes and Swagger is DQed for not releasing a hold in time. At the end of the match the Big Show enters the ring and beats down on Swagger. The Big Show, in an act of defiance, takes the world title and holds it aloft as if he were the champion. Does Teddy Long come out and suspend the Big Show? He doesn't? I'm beginning to sense some anti-British rhetoric going on here.
In summary: I really don't know why I still bother watching Smackdown.
Genesis was probably one of my favourite PPVs of 2009 and this match was one of my favourites. Alex Shelley takes on his tag team partner Chris Sabin for the X Division title. This match shows the difference that in-ring chemistry can make to a match. It might not be the greatest pure wrestling match of all time, but as a piece of choreography it is awesome.
The lyrics to RVD's new entrance theme are an experiment in poetic form which hides layers of meanings which might not be immediately obvious to the uninitiated. As Rob Vam Dams unofficial biographer, I feel that I am the only person who can provide the in depth analysis required.
Rob Van Dam,
The whole fucking show
At first glance these lines seems innocent enough, but on the contrary, it actually refers to a little known event in recent TNA history. Desperate to increase TNA's dwindling ratings, Eric Bischoff spent many hours analysising recent TNA footage and realised that the highest rated moment was RVD's debut in the Impact zone. A pilot of the new TNA Impact was recorded which literally had Rob Van Dam as the whole fucking show. As Bischoff predicted, RVD's entrance music began and the crowd pop was unmistakable. Bischoff looked on grinning and rubbing his hands, he knew that this would win the Monday night wars. As Rob Van Dam entered the ring, he started doing that arm thing in time with his name. The crowd went wild. Bischoff had done it again. Van Dams entrance theme did not stop however, and for the next 40 minutes, RVD was stood in the ring doing that arm thing in time with his name. As the last person left the Impact zone looking visibly upset, taping was cut. Eric Bischoff said in a statement "I was only giving fans what they wanted."
Van daminator,
van terminator,
van crushinator,
van assassinator
These four statements are actually quite confusing because they refer to two distinct aspects of RVD's life outside of the ring. It is a little known fact that Van Dam runs a junk yard with Screech out of Saved by the Bell, with RVD insisting that all van related scrapage is his department; he damns vans to hel, he assinates them, he crushes them - he loves scrapping vans. Be careful not to be confused by the words 'van terminator' as this is actually a reference to RVD's role defending teenage boys from futuristic robots. No body has ever seen these robots, but RVD insists on protecting one John Connor while he sleeps.
A chair shot right to your brain,
Straight to your skull, crack!
This refers to Van Dam's first job working for a removals company. RVD's obsession with Vans started at a young age, and he makes no secret of the fact that his favourite type of van was always the Luton box van; the perfect van for furniture removals. It was during his three year stint as a removals man, that him and Screech were moving a particularly awkward chair; it wasn't particularly heavy it was just difficult to hold onto. With Screech distracted, RVD was hit on the side of his head by the chair, Screech screeched in disbelief, but RVD just smiled. It was a that moment that Van Dam realised e could take a bump and decided to become a professional wrestler.
Five star frog splash,
You can't stop that,
It is at this point in the song where the grammar of the lyrics is somewhat ambiguous. The first line should read 'Five Star, Frog, Splash' - a reference to some of Van Dam's most favourite things in the world. Since 1985, RVD has been the president of the official Five Star fanclub. For those who might not remember, Five Star were a British pop/R&B group from the 1980s who shot to fame with hits like 'Rain or Shine' and 'The Slightest Touch'. RVD and Screech remain the only members of the fanclub.
The second part of this line refers to Van Dam's all time favourite song, he calls it Frog, but its full title is actually 'We all Stand Together' and was sung by Sir Paul 'Macca the spacca' MacCartney. In a recent shoot interview, Raven commented on how upset he was when he found that RVD's iPod only contained the frog song and Five Star's Greatest Hits, noting that RVD called his iPod his 'love machine'.
The next word 'Splash' is an obvious reference to the film Splash starring Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah, with John Candy in a supporting role. It is no secret that this is Van Dam's most favourite film in the world, but what most fans might not know is that Hannah's character Madison had a profound influence upon Van Dam's first wrestling matches. Before Rob Van Dam was Mr Monday Night, he was a character called the Merman. He would be transported to the ring on a trailer and flopped onto the ring, his legs bound together in his merman outfit, unable to walk or jump, most of Van Dam's offensive manouvers were rendered unusable. After a few partiularly bad matches, RVD's merman gimmick was dropped, much to his frustration.
After much pressure from Socko I have decided to go back to my crappiest heel gimmicks, this time I will be looking at "the Ugandan Giant" Kamala.
