Review: WWE Summerslam 2010

Coming into Summerslam, there weren’t really any matches which I was particularly excited about seeing. I was interested to see how the Nexsus angle would pan out during this one, but wasn’t particularly excited about seeing Bret Hart in the ring again. Let’s get to it.

The first match was Kofi Kingston versus Dolph Ziggler for the Intercontinental title. The match wasn’t bad, Kofi and Dolph work pretty well together. We had a Suicide Dive from Kofi straight into the guard rail as Ziggle was pulled out of the way by Vicky Guerrero. Kofi hit a shockingly bad Thesz Press, and did some pretty lame spots. Just as Ziggler got Kofi into a sleeper hold, Nexus ran in and the match was over. With Ziggler making a sharp exit, Kofi was left to receive a beat down from the Nexus. Barrett cut a promo over the squirming Kofi, suggesting that this was just a taste of what’s to come.

Rating: **

After the Divas match was the Big Show versus the Straight Edge Society. This match was pretty lame. Show came out and removed the tape from his hands, thus invalidating the injury angle (this guy must heal incredibly fast – scientists should do some research on him). There were some pretty cool spots in the match, there was a double Bulldog on Show at one point (which was described as a double DDT by Michael Cole – it clearly wasn’t a DDT). Punk makes a hasty retreat which allows Show to Choke Slam Mercury onto Gallows for a clean win.

Rating: *½

After a pretty decent promo by the Miz, we have the match between Randy Orton and Sheamus for the WWE Championship. I don’t know why, but I really can’t stand Randy Orton. There are much better in-ring technicians than he, and much better people on the mic... but anyway, the match wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t memorable by any stretch of the imagination. The story of this match was that Sheamus was working on Orton’s right shoulder. There seemed to be a lot of basic moves which were given new names (such as the Celtic Hammer, which is actually just a double Axe Handle), which seemed kind of pointless to me. There was a bit of a confusing spot where Sheamus (apparently) reversed an RKO, even though it looked as though Orton hit it. After getting the Irish Curse (AKA the Celtic Cross, AKA the High Cross, AKA The Razor’s Edge) for the two count; Sheamus picked up a chair and accidently bumped the ref. The ref then called for a DQ and therefore Sheamus keeps the title. With the stipulation that if Orton lost he would be sent to the back of the queue, we have a technical win on Orton’s part, but he doesn’t get the title (yet, no doubt).

Rating: **½

Next up was the World Heavyweight Championship with heavyweight Rey Mysterio versus Kane (why Kane is still holding the strap I’ll never know). I wasn’t feeling this one, and I don’t think that the crowd were either. Kane came down to the ring with a casket even though it wasn’t a casket match. The commentary for this match was piss poor. Striker at one point noted that Rey Mysterio’s “Luche Libreness” had come into play, he also noted that the crowd was so subdued because of the gravity of this match, hmm. Kane got the clean win with a Chokeslam and after the count did a few more Chokeslams and a Tombstone. Kane then the opened the casket to reveal... The Undertaker. Wow, nobody saw that one coming, right? Kane put Taker in a Chokeslam and made him look very weak... but he has been in a vegetative state, right? So, wow, we’re going to have another fucking feud between Kane and Undertaker... for the love of God...

Rating: *½

And onto the main event: Nexus versus Team WWE. I didn’t have high hopes for this one, but I’ve got to admit that it was excellently done. John Cena came out with his new colour scheme (shit, that means my orange Cena t-shirt is now out of date, we’ll have to buy the new ones). With Miz bragging that he was the final member of Team WWE, it was up to Cena to reveal who it was: Bryan Danielson. I did not see this coming, I said only a few days ago that “I think that the Bryan Danielson thing could be good if they bring him back as a babyface” – it seems that that’s what WWE have done; though it seems that WWE have kept Danielson’s ‘slave name’. There were some great spots throughout this one, Danielson dominated from the off getting Darren Young to tap to a Crossface variation in less than a minute. There were chants for we want Bret, which struck me as a bit odd: what the fuck is Bret Hart going to do? This guy’s hurting, he’s had a stroke and it’s just a bit sad to see him make a tit of himself the way he did a few months back at Wrestlemania. Luckily, Bret didn’t look too bad, he probably looked better than his WCW days in all honesty, but he’s not “the best there is” anymore. When Bret came back in a few minutes later, Michael Cole said something along the lines of “Bret Hart’s had some big Summerslam moments in his career, but if Team WWE can pull this off, this will be the biggest”... Are you fucking kidding me? Is this bigger than Wembley? Don’t fucking patronise me, Cole. Bret was DQed for using a chair, and to be honest, I think this was possibly the best that Bret has been booked since his return. He didn’t take any bumps, he kind of looked cool and he was dominant throughout his slot. Jericho got in an awesome Lionsault in on this one, he was a babyface during this one, and it was great. He even brought out his line of “you are a stupid man, you are stupid man to Cena” – this was comic genius, not sure if it was meant to be, but it gets me every time. Danielson came back in and kick some more ass. The Miz came out and hit Danielson with MitB case which knocked Bryan out for the pin. Finally, we had Cena versus Justin Gabriel and Wade Barrett. Cena did his, ahem, Five Knuckle Shuffle. For those not familiar with British idioms, a Five Knuckle Shuffle is the same a wank (masturbation, taking your cock in your hand and pumping it until happy milk pops out of the little guy). Blah blah. Cena ended up getting the STF on Barrett who tapped out (remember that contrary to MMA, tapping out is the worst/most humiliating thing a person can do when one of their limbs is about to be snapped off). Against all the odds, Cena got the win and everyone was happy. “We win, we win” Striker was saying. Lovely stuff.

Rating: ****

On the whole, this was a very well-booked PPV. A few of the matches were pretty shit, but the last match made up for it. There were some surprises (some more expected than others), but most importantly they’ve got Danielson back (hopefully he’ll be jobbing ob Raw this time next week). Necause of the win, Nexus is pretty much done. It would have worked better had they made Cena tap, but hey, it's all soap opera...

Overall: ***

Review: WWE Raw, 10th May

This week's Raw was a lot more entertaining than it has been of late, but the in-ring stuff, on the whole, still falls into the bracket of what I've been calling 'wrestling-lite'.

Raw opened with ol' snake eyes Randy Orton calling Edge out for a mic wrestle... But wait, that's not Edge's music, that's a Meatloaf song. So Meatloaf came out out to plug his new album, which no one under the age of 45 is likely to buy (it has a song written by Bon Jovi on it, hell yeah!). It's weird, when Meatloaf's not singing, the guy can be pretty entertaining. He was in the ring dancing round Orton trying to get Orton to have one of his songs as his theme song. Orton just stood there. Meatloaf then started singing in Orton's face. Orton just stood there. Meatloaf continues to piss Orton off. Orton's so wooden he makes Mokujin from Tekken seem like a viable alternative for spooning at bed time. The wooden man starts to move; it's a bit like that uncanny moment in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy realises that the scarecrow is alive. Orton then goes for his trademark RKO. With Orton's relationship with guest hosts, RKOing them at every opportunity, you can't help but think that Orton is a poor man's Stone Cold and the RKO is a cheap facsimile of the Stunner.



With Meatloaf out cold, Edge makes his appearence with Vicky Guerrero in tow, standing there like some greedy girl who's eaten the last block of butter. It seems that Edge has convinced WWE management to bring her in as General Manager. It's not great, but it's better than the guest host bullshit. There's a bit of a microphone exchange. Vicky puts Orton in a handicap match, which is quite appropriate as he looks a bit simple.

Next we have a pretty mediocre match between Mini-Bulldog and Jericho for a chance for Jiz to have a title shot at Over the Limit. He wins, the match is pretty uneventful.

Now for the guest host, who enters with R Truth: the one and only Flava Flav (who's on plugging some reality show or something). For those not familiar with Flava Flav, he was basically the talentless one from Public Enemy who would wear the big clock and stupid hats and whose ability on the mic went as far as him saying 'yeah, boiiiieee'. He didn't disappoint. Flava Flav entered looking like he'd just stepped off of the set for the Don't Believe the Hype' video shoot. Stupid hat, big clock and 'yeah, boiiiieee'. Like the Bez of hip-hop, Flava Flav had exhausted all of his gimmicks. With the match between Regal and Truth it was only a matter of time before something heel happened. And boom! Not one, but two Virgils come in the ring end the match in the form of Carlito and Primo. Dibiase comes out onto the ramp and pays them for their Virgilious services.

Next there was Divas promo spot. Now, I think that the Divas thing is a joke. Just a bit of wank fodder for teenage boys. WWE don't make any effort to take women's wrestling seriously, so I don't take the Divas seriously. Sorry ladies. In a promo spot, Maryse is showing that she does have some genuine athletic ability by showing her training with a martial arts coach. Just check out the bitch slap she gives this guy, it must have smarted like crazy.



With a pointless match with Jack Rider out of the way, we move onto Tyson Kid versus the Miz, if the Miz lost he would have to defend his American Championship title against a member of the Hart Family of his choosing. The match was over in a few seconds with Tyson Kid getting a quick pin. Tyson Kid has the most stupid hair in the WW; I imagine that this is how Tin Tin would do his hair if he got a job as a rent boy. So Miz chose to defend his title against Bret Hart, presumably so Bret can leave the WWE with some dignity this time.

Next up was a match with the NXT 'rookies' facing a team of John Morrison, Goldust and a couple of jobbers whose names escape me. The match was pretty poor except for the fact the Brian Danielson got the pin meaning his first WWE victory was on Raw. It's about time he started getting some heat, he should be on Raw already, not on some bullshit let-down of a reality show.

We then cut to one of the most entertaining promos of the night, featuring none other than, Cannock's finest, William Regal. As a mic wrestler, Regal's still got it, it's just a shame that WWE see fit to put him in the role of jobber on Raw, teaming him up with the token Russian heel guy, Boris whatever. In the promo Regal essentially lets Flava Flav know what time it is (geddit? Flava Flav wears a clock, geddit?), by letting him know that he is a talentless fuck who rides on the coatails of the infinitely more talented Chuck D. Okay, maybe he didn't quite go that far, but it's still funny... and topical!



Next we see Mark Henry getting choked out by Batista in a match that didn't happen. I was glad to see Mark Henry being done over in such a way. Yeah, he might be the world's strongest man, but he can't wrestle for shit and he looks like a fat bastard.

Then we have the spaz match with Randolf, Edge and Dibiase. Again, the match is pretty dull and Orton wins. By the end of the match he attacks Vicky G with the RKO after she pleads and offers her resignation. What a bastard.



Thank fuck that screeching bint has been let go.

In summary: another episode of wrestling lite with some pretty funny promos. Still, it's better than Smackdown.

Bring on Sacrifice!

WWE Draft 2010

On the heels of Extreme Rules we have the annual WWE Draft, where everything hets shaken up and the WWE landscape changes... well, kind of...
The night began with Bret Hart coming out and declaring that Show Miz are the greatest tag team of all time, he then declare that the Mountie was the greatest IC champion and the David Arquette was the greatest world champion, so you can see, he wasn't exactly serious. The match between Hart Dynasty and Show Miz saw the Dynasty beat Show Miz to earn the titles and saw the Big Show and Miz turn on each other... but with Big Show getting drafted, the inevitable feud has been overted.

Apart from the draft, the only other major thing to happen was a number one contenders match for the WWE title was won by Batista because of interference by Edge. So the boring storyline, which should have ended at Extreme Rules, is now being rehashed. FFS.
Anyway, the draft results:

Kelly kelly > Smackdown
Big Show > Smackdown
John Morrison Raw
R Truth > Raw
Edge > Raw
Kofi Kingston > Smackdown
Christian > Smackdown
Jericho > Raw

Predictions: Edge will turn heel and dominate Raw. Jericho will team up with the Miz, probably have a match with Big Show at next PPV. Punk will run out of people to have feuds with. Big Show will turn face and become a bad comedy character again. Undertaker will only appear at PPVs. John Morrison will get a big push. Orton will stand there and not say anything. Matt Striker will continue to suck as an announcer.

In summary, WWE really missed a great opportunity to shake things up. Moving Punk over to Raw and Orton over to Smackdown would have been a good move, also switching Edge and Christian was short sighted, would have been great to see them tag/feud.