Review: WWE Smackdown, May 7th, 2010

At the start of Smackdown, Jeff Hardy came out looking like he'd put on a few pounds, especially around his face, maybe he's bloated through the drugs or maybe he just couldn't stop when the Pringles popped. Oh wait, that's Matt isn't it? Jeff's fat older brother, that makes sense. So Matt Hardy's out and he is cutting a promo about Drew McIntyre, and how Drew McIntyre was really mean to him. This is where the drama begins to unfold: Drew McIntyre enters, with a, wait for it, real life microphone. Just in case you didn't know that McIntyre is the heel, the bad guy, the one we're meant to boo, he's wearing a suit. That's how you know that a wrestler is a heel: he will come out wearing a suit. They talk for a while, threats are made, the story arcs are set up and then Drew makes his way to the ring. 8 minutes into Smackdown we see our first bit of in-ring action, it's more of a beat down than a match, but it sure is moving along quicker than last week's episode of Raw. The drama continues to unfold as Fat Matt and McIntyre are joined in the ring by officials trying to pull them apart. Old Drew is relentless, and with the blurry and shaky camera work, you can almost see him hit fat Matt. As the officials pull Drew away, who should make an entrance but Smackdown general manager Teddy Long. Instead of setting up a match between Hardy and McIntyre, Teddy lays down the law: he suspends McIntyre. Holy shit! Now the drama really is begining to unfurl. As you can imagine, Drew McIntyre is the not the king of guy to take this lightly, on the contrary, he takes it, erm, heavily and runs back to fat Matt to give him another beating. Now this was the final straw for Mr Long who declared the Drew McIntyre was to be stripped of his Intercontinental title. Holy shit! The drama is really unravelling now. Something like that will really put McIntyre in his place. Something like that will stop McIntyre wanting to beat on fat Matt. Wrong! McIntyre takes the stripping of his title heavier than the fat around fat Matt's fat neck. Like an autisic child, McIntyre doesn't make the link between cause and effect, doesn't make the link between action and consiquence; this guy's never even heard of Newton. So he goes again and beats on fat Matt. What else has the guy got to lose? He may as well get a few punches in before they drag his ass out of the building. Mistake. Teddy Long really lays the law down now and fires Drew McIntyre! Holy shit, now the drama has just gone mental in a dustbin, this is just nuts. Of course, there is not a possible chance in the world that Vince McMahonn will come out next week and overturn T-Lo's ruling, is there?



So, 15 minutes in we have our first match, a pretty uneventful affair between MVP and Luke Gallows, yawn. As I thought, this match was a set up for Rey Mysterio and CM Punk to have a microphone wrestle. The feud between Rey Mysterio and CM Punk has been going on since the road to Wrestlemania and they are still dragging this one out after 3 months. Let's recap: at Wrestlemania, if Mysterio lost he would have to join the Straight Edge Society; at Exteme Rules, if Punk lost he would have to have his hair shaved. How do you raise the stakes for Punk and Mysterio's rubber match at Over the Limit? What crazy stipulations will be pulled out of the bag for this one? Holy shit! If Mysterio lose he has to join the Straight Edge Society, if Punk loses he has to have his head shaved. With the stipulations combined, the WWE Universe are assured that this match will be as good as, or better than, the two previous matches. With a big chunk already cut out of Punk's hair, it's obvious that Mysterio will win. Okay, I know I said before that it was against the laws of physics and logic for Mysterio to lose against Punk, only to lose against Punk at Extreme Rules, but I'm a humble man, I can admit when I was wrong. But, when things are at stake for Mysterio, he has to win, he just has to.



With McIntyre out of the picture, what now for the Intercontinental title? Well, let me tell you. Mr Long sets up a tournament of the top four contenders to get the belt. This got me thinking, if Hardy and McIntyre hadn't had a fight and McIntyre hadn't been suspended, then stripped of his title, then fired, then this week's Smackdown would be coming to its main event at this point, making it a very short Smackdown indeed, it's almost as if this shit is planned or scripted, but that can't be, right?

Match one in the IC tournament was between Kofi Kingston and Dolph Zigler. When I saw Smackdown live a few months ago, one of best chants of the night was for Dolph Ziggler "he's Jeff Jarrett" *clap clap clap clap clap*. Again, we have another mediocre match, with Kofi Kingston moving on to the IC final next week.

Match two saw Cody Rhodes taking on Christian. This wasn't a bad match, a lot of energy and some pretty decent moves. Christian went on to win, and I predict will win the IC belt then have to defend it at over the limit against McIntyre.

The final match of the evening was Jack Swagger versus Kane in a non-title bout. Kane in a main event? Kane? Maybe over a decade ago, but I thought that Kane's role was to take out jobbers to fill in some time between the proper matches. Swagger entered the ring and began telling us more of his achievements. What a great guy, he's so smart and athletic. Oh wait, he's a heel, "boooooo". The match begins and who should join the announcers but Big Show. There's no way he's going to sit at the side of the ring is he? The match lasts for a little over 5 minutes and Swagger is DQed for not releasing a hold in time. At the end of the match the Big Show enters the ring and beats down on Swagger. The Big Show, in an act of defiance, takes the world title and holds it aloft as if he were the champion. Does Teddy Long come out and suspend the Big Show? He doesn't? I'm beginning to sense some anti-British rhetoric going on here.





In summary: I really don't know why I still bother watching Smackdown.

Where's the Sausage?

I tell you what Brother, something in the world of wrestling isn't getting shared with us. Now if you go ahead and type "Wrestling Wardrobe Malfunction" into YouTube these are the videos you get:
Dawn Marie wardrobe malfunction


WWE Wardrobe Malfunction Featuring inspired use of a towel.



Divas Accidental Nudity


Now given the male / female ratio of wrestling this is just surprising, especially as we know this footage is out there, such as in this classic clip where "Ravishing" Rick Rude pulls the old Wife's Face Painted on the Crotch Trick:

Tights Failure


So is this kind of thing just being repressed, like so much more homo-eroticism in wrestling? I think Vince Russo could have a field day using this as a comedic device, although hopefully, not involving one of the more senior wrestlers.

Of course, you could try and prove my theory wrong by typing "Male Wrestling Wardrobe Malfunction" into a search engine, but just remember, you'll never be allowed young children again. To right as well, you sicko.

Greatest Matches Ever! TNA: Alex Shelley vs Chris Sabin

Genesis was probably one of my favourite PPVs of 2009 and this match was one of my favourites. Alex Shelley takes on his tag team partner Chris Sabin for the X Division title. This match shows the difference that in-ring chemistry can make to a match. It might not be the greatest pure wrestling match of all time, but as a piece of choreography it is awesome.

Rob Van Dam's TNA entrance theme: an analysis.

The lyrics to RVD's new entrance theme are an experiment in poetic form which hides layers of meanings which might not be immediately obvious to the uninitiated. As Rob Vam Dams unofficial biographer, I feel that I am the only person who can provide the in depth analysis required.




Rob Van Dam,
The whole fucking show

At first glance these lines seems innocent enough, but on the contrary, it actually refers to a little known event in recent TNA history. Desperate to increase TNA's dwindling ratings, Eric Bischoff spent many hours analysising recent TNA footage and realised that the highest rated moment was RVD's debut in the Impact zone. A pilot of the new TNA Impact was recorded which literally had Rob Van Dam as the whole fucking show. As Bischoff predicted, RVD's entrance music began and the crowd pop was unmistakable. Bischoff looked on grinning and rubbing his hands, he knew that this would win the Monday night wars. As Rob Van Dam entered the ring, he started doing that arm thing in time with his name. The crowd went wild. Bischoff had done it again. Van Dams entrance theme did not stop however, and for the next 40 minutes, RVD was stood in the ring doing that arm thing in time with his name. As the last person left the Impact zone looking visibly upset, taping was cut. Eric Bischoff said in a statement "I was only giving fans what they wanted."

Van daminator,
van terminator,
van crushinator,
van assassinator

These four statements are actually quite confusing because they refer to two distinct aspects of RVD's life outside of the ring. It is a little known fact that Van Dam runs a junk yard with Screech out of Saved by the Bell, with RVD insisting that all van related scrapage is his department; he damns vans to hel, he assinates them, he crushes them - he loves scrapping vans. Be careful not to be confused by the words 'van terminator' as this is actually a reference to RVD's role defending teenage boys from futuristic robots. No body has ever seen these robots, but RVD insists on protecting one John Connor while he sleeps.

A chair shot right to your brain,
Straight to your skull, crack!

This refers to Van Dam's first job working for a removals company. RVD's obsession with Vans started at a young age, and he makes no secret of the fact that his favourite type of van was always the Luton box van; the perfect van for furniture removals. It was during his three year stint as a removals man, that him and Screech were moving a particularly awkward chair; it wasn't particularly heavy it was just difficult to hold onto. With Screech distracted, RVD was hit on the side of his head by the chair, Screech screeched in disbelief, but RVD just smiled. It was a that moment that Van Dam realised e could take a bump and decided to become a professional wrestler.

Five star frog splash,
You can't stop that,

It is at this point in the song where the grammar of the lyrics is somewhat ambiguous. The first line should read 'Five Star, Frog, Splash' - a reference to some of Van Dam's most favourite things in the world. Since 1985, RVD has been the president of the official Five Star fanclub. For those who might not remember, Five Star were a British pop/R&B group from the 1980s who shot to fame with hits like 'Rain or Shine' and 'The Slightest Touch'. RVD and Screech remain the only members of the fanclub.



The second part of this line refers to Van Dam's all time favourite song, he calls it Frog, but its full title is actually 'We all Stand Together' and was sung by Sir Paul 'Macca the spacca' MacCartney. In a recent shoot interview, Raven commented on how upset he was when he found that RVD's iPod only contained the frog song and Five Star's Greatest Hits, noting that RVD called his iPod his 'love machine'.



The next word 'Splash' is an obvious reference to the film Splash starring Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah, with John Candy in a supporting role. It is no secret that this is Van Dam's most favourite film in the world, but what most fans might not know is that Hannah's character Madison had a profound influence upon Van Dam's first wrestling matches. Before Rob Van Dam was Mr Monday Night, he was a character called the Merman. He would be transported to the ring on a trailer and flopped onto the ring, his legs bound together in his merman outfit, unable to walk or jump, most of Van Dam's offensive manouvers were rendered unusable. After a few partiularly bad matches, RVD's merman gimmick was dropped, much to his frustration.



- Socko

Greatest Promos Ever! WWE: "I've got you some female entertainment, and I think you know what I mean..."

A lot of people bitch about Russo, but when he was at his peak he wrote some hilarious promos for WWF/E. I'd not seen this promo in years and remembered how funny it was when I saw it back in the day.
In this promo, Mankind pays Vince McMahon a visit in the hospital afte Vince had been injured at the hands of Stone Cold Steve Austin. Mankind tries to cheer Vince up and chaos ensues. I don't know which bit is funniest, the bit which is meant to be funny, or the bit that follows...
...oh and this promo (I think) is the premier of Mr Socko. Bang bang.

Greatest Matches Ever! ECW: Tajiri & Mikey Whipwreck vs Super Crazy & Kid Kash, December 3rd, 2000

No explanations necessary. Just watch and enjoy.







- Clown

Greatest Promos Ever! "It's a hybrid dolphin..."

This is great. Paul London & Bryan Danielson promoting the PWG One Hundred show. Every time I watch it, I crack up. Every time.



- Clown