Rob Van Dam's TNA entrance theme: an analysis.

The lyrics to RVD's new entrance theme are an experiment in poetic form which hides layers of meanings which might not be immediately obvious to the uninitiated. As Rob Vam Dams unofficial biographer, I feel that I am the only person who can provide the in depth analysis required.




Rob Van Dam,
The whole fucking show

At first glance these lines seems innocent enough, but on the contrary, it actually refers to a little known event in recent TNA history. Desperate to increase TNA's dwindling ratings, Eric Bischoff spent many hours analysising recent TNA footage and realised that the highest rated moment was RVD's debut in the Impact zone. A pilot of the new TNA Impact was recorded which literally had Rob Van Dam as the whole fucking show. As Bischoff predicted, RVD's entrance music began and the crowd pop was unmistakable. Bischoff looked on grinning and rubbing his hands, he knew that this would win the Monday night wars. As Rob Van Dam entered the ring, he started doing that arm thing in time with his name. The crowd went wild. Bischoff had done it again. Van Dams entrance theme did not stop however, and for the next 40 minutes, RVD was stood in the ring doing that arm thing in time with his name. As the last person left the Impact zone looking visibly upset, taping was cut. Eric Bischoff said in a statement "I was only giving fans what they wanted."

Van daminator,
van terminator,
van crushinator,
van assassinator

These four statements are actually quite confusing because they refer to two distinct aspects of RVD's life outside of the ring. It is a little known fact that Van Dam runs a junk yard with Screech out of Saved by the Bell, with RVD insisting that all van related scrapage is his department; he damns vans to hel, he assinates them, he crushes them - he loves scrapping vans. Be careful not to be confused by the words 'van terminator' as this is actually a reference to RVD's role defending teenage boys from futuristic robots. No body has ever seen these robots, but RVD insists on protecting one John Connor while he sleeps.

A chair shot right to your brain,
Straight to your skull, crack!

This refers to Van Dam's first job working for a removals company. RVD's obsession with Vans started at a young age, and he makes no secret of the fact that his favourite type of van was always the Luton box van; the perfect van for furniture removals. It was during his three year stint as a removals man, that him and Screech were moving a particularly awkward chair; it wasn't particularly heavy it was just difficult to hold onto. With Screech distracted, RVD was hit on the side of his head by the chair, Screech screeched in disbelief, but RVD just smiled. It was a that moment that Van Dam realised e could take a bump and decided to become a professional wrestler.

Five star frog splash,
You can't stop that,

It is at this point in the song where the grammar of the lyrics is somewhat ambiguous. The first line should read 'Five Star, Frog, Splash' - a reference to some of Van Dam's most favourite things in the world. Since 1985, RVD has been the president of the official Five Star fanclub. For those who might not remember, Five Star were a British pop/R&B group from the 1980s who shot to fame with hits like 'Rain or Shine' and 'The Slightest Touch'. RVD and Screech remain the only members of the fanclub.



The second part of this line refers to Van Dam's all time favourite song, he calls it Frog, but its full title is actually 'We all Stand Together' and was sung by Sir Paul 'Macca the spacca' MacCartney. In a recent shoot interview, Raven commented on how upset he was when he found that RVD's iPod only contained the frog song and Five Star's Greatest Hits, noting that RVD called his iPod his 'love machine'.



The next word 'Splash' is an obvious reference to the film Splash starring Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah, with John Candy in a supporting role. It is no secret that this is Van Dam's most favourite film in the world, but what most fans might not know is that Hannah's character Madison had a profound influence upon Van Dam's first wrestling matches. Before Rob Van Dam was Mr Monday Night, he was a character called the Merman. He would be transported to the ring on a trailer and flopped onto the ring, his legs bound together in his merman outfit, unable to walk or jump, most of Van Dam's offensive manouvers were rendered unusable. After a few partiularly bad matches, RVD's merman gimmick was dropped, much to his frustration.



- Socko