Worst wrestlers: Nailz

One of my favourite things about pro wrestling is the capacity of its writers to produce some of the worst characters to appear on screen or in print. In an irregular series, I'm going to explore some of these characters and share their highlights with you.
First, we have Nailz.
In March 1992, Nailz burst onto WWF superstars to continue his feud with the Big Boss Man. Of course, the viewers had not be privy to this feud, for this feud did not occur in the squared-circle, but in the prison where Boss Man was a prison guard. Nailz sought revenge from the Boss Man for his incarceration, for which Nailz protested his innocence. Even as a ten year old, watching this, I knew that something didn't quite make sense. Why was Nailz pissed off at the Boss Man, surely Nailz should have been more pissed off with police who had investigated his alleged crimes, the attornies in the trial who had failed to defend his case, the members of the jury who had reached the wrong verdict and the judge who had laid down his sentence. Damn, even the guy who drove the prison van from the courthouse to the penetentiary was more to blame for Nailz's imprisoned state. Okay, so on reflection, it may be considered an irrational response from Nailz, but one doesn't know how they would react when falsely convicted for a crime. Perhaps Nailz's misdirected rage was symptomatic of this harsh injustice.
It was when Boss Man had just beaten Dave Roulette that Nailz made his disgruntlement known to the Boss Man,



Again, even as a ten year old, something din't rest well with me. The main question being, why was Nailz still in his orange prison overalls? This made no sense to me and makes no sense today. If Nailz had been released from prison, then surely his prison overalls would have remained property of the prison. If Nailz had escaped from prison, then his mere appearence on a live television broadcast would have quickly alerted the authorities to his location. The only other option was that Nailz was on day release, but even then I am not convinced that the prison would have allowed the removal of the orange jumpsuit. But I'm getting bogged down in the logic of it, so its best to move on.
By the end of Nailz's and Boss Man's first encounter, the drama has already been established and the main point of contention has been put into play. The foundations for the feud are firmly laid with Nailz stealing the Boss Man's treasured night stick.
But why Nailz? Why don't you like the Boss Man?



Holy shit, this guy is not to be messed with. He's a psycho! With the theft of Boss Man's night stick, Nailz establishes the existence of a metaphorical prison, in which Boss Man is imprisoned in, but is also free to go about his everyday life and continue gainful employment as a wrestler. On re-watching this promo, I am reminded of the big lovable accountant from the American Office, Kevin; so from now on I will watch the Office and fear the Kevin will lock Jim and Pam in a metaphorical prison and throw away the metaphorical key and allow them to get on with their everyday lives as usual - it's a scary thought.


So, with Boss Man in hospital, he has time to reflect and returns to his job as a wrestler, and is quite annoyed by the actions of Mr Nailz. It seems that night sticks are incredibly sentinmental items, with each prison guard being given one night stick during his career and is encouraged to nurture it as if it were a child or expensive plant. Indeed, so stong is the bond between a prison guard and his night stick that guard and stick are obliged to stay together, even if the guard has a career change. The stick stays with the guard until the stick is due to retire and put out to pasture.
So with Boss Man's attachment to his stick at stake, and the fact that in America it is impossible to get hold of any other night sticks whatsoever, the Boss Man challenged Nailz to a wrestling match to get his treasured night stick back.



With the high stakes of this match, it is difficult not to get emotional. After all, what follows is a match for the Boss Man's most treasured of possessions. With a fifteen foot pole and a psycho between him and his beautiful night stick, you know that Boss Man is in for the match of his career.



Wait, with Nailz's comments at the end of the match, perhaps we were wrong, perhaps it is we who are the monsters...

TNA Impact! - 19th April

Off the back of Lockdown, this week's Impact was fucking awesome, with two PPV main event quality matches. The first being RVD vs Jeff Hardy. I was suprised to see that Hardy was coherent and on great form, especially after jumping off a ladder perched on top of a steel cage through a table. Both men put on a great match, RVD's 3rd in 24 hours. The match was as violent and reckless as you'd expect from these guys, with lots of high-risk moves and crashes into the guard rails. The winner of the match was RVD who went on to challenge AJ for the world title. Again, this was an excellent match and shows the importance of both competitors being on form for a match. The match ran rings around the previous night's match between AJ and Pope, and RVD is now the TNA World Champion. Cynics might suggest that RVD becoming champion was a pre-requisit of him coming to TNA... I'm one of those cynics.
With the longest title reign in TNA history, AJ has been an excellent champion and, contrary to my initial doubts, has turned into a great heel. But of course, when you have so many top wrestlers like RVD, Hardy, Wolfe, etc. it's inevitable that AJ would start to be pushed down the bill.
Highlight of the night: The return of Samoa Joe. Just like when he came to TNA from ROH, Joe came in and dominated, as a secret partner in the Lethal Lockdown rematch with Team Hogan, he came in and showed the viewers exactly why Joe is a top contender in TNA. I still think the guy needs to do some sit-ups though.

TNA Lockdown - Mr Anderson vs Kurt Angle

What a match! Possibly one of the bes matches I've seen since Angle went against Wolfe last year. Seriously, this match was truly spectactular and made the match between AJ and Pope look pretty flat in comparison. I'm not going to spoil the Lethal Lockdown match, but that was also pretty awesome.
The fact is that Angle seriously outdid himself on this one. The drama of this match was up there with some of the greatest matches of all time, all the way through there was no clear winner, and when Angle through the cage key into the crowd it was unclear whether there could even be a winner. What was the highling of the match? Was it the German suplex from the top rope? What about when Angle used his warrior medal to choke Kennedy out? Was it when Kennedy used the tape from his wrists to choke angle? No, it was when Angle climbed to the top of the steel cage and moonsaulted onto Kennedy and hit it, bam! Replay. Bam! My jaw literally hanging down to my knees. Now the cage in Lockdown was a lot higher than the WWE cages and was about the height of a hell in the cell, unbelievable.
I'm not going to spoil the result, but this makes the PPV worth watching.
After I'd finished watching Lockdown I reflected for a while and realised that the Angle/Kennedy feud is exactly the reason why I've prefered TNA to WWE over the last year: when TNA do a feud well, they do it right. A feud needs to build up and simmer until it gets bigger than the characters, I think TNA have done this time and time again. They completely pissed over any of the recent feuds in WWE (I still don't quite get the point of the Punk/Mysterio feud). There's been some great matches throughout the feud and some real innovative stuff going on that I'd not really seen before. Like when Kennedy used Angle's warrior medal to almost hang him to win the ladder match, that was some pretty dark stuff.
Kennedy is easily the best heel TNA have got, the only wrestler who even comes close is Desmond Wolfe, but not even Wolfe has turned round and called the US army a bunch of high-school drop-outs. Slag off America and you're foriegn, that kind of goes with the territory; but to do that from within America makes it that little bit hard to throw a chant of USA and expect to have the same withering effect as water on the Wicked Witch of the West.
With Angle announcing a hiatus after the match, one wonders where now for Kennedy?



UPDATE! Here is the complete match, enjoy!

WWE Raw, 19th April 2010.

Considering most of the Raw roster were stuck in Ireland because of a naughty volcano spewing smoke all over Europe and making people's cars slightly dusty, it was an excellent show. WWE pulled out all the stops and dragging in most of the Smackdown roster to make me excited about the prospect of the draft.
It opened with Mr Helmsley coming out to the ring and talking to the crowd only to be interrupted by CM Punk and SxE. Hunter and Punk microphone wrestled for quite a while and they were both on top form, with Triple H coming out with some classic lines. Punk made the mistake of trying to convert HHH to the Straight Edge Society without success. As Gallows and Sarena held the Celebral Assassin onto a steel chair, Punk advanced, hair clippers in hand. But wait, look! It's Rey Mysterio and he's not too happy and quickly grabs the clippers taking a chunk of Punk's hair with him - and boy was it a big chunk.
I'm sure I'll eat my words in a few weeks, but here's my prediction: Punk gets drawn to Raw and feuds with HH, the feud will be much better than the recent one with Mysterio and much better than Triple H's feud with the pale guy no-one gives a crap about. As I've said before, the laws of nature will not allow Rey Mysterio to lose against Punk, so Punk's going to be coming to Raw with a new haircut.
Anyway, the rest of the show was pretty decent. Matt Hardy and Drew MacIntire sucked as usual and the generic Russian character Boris somthing went into a match against... the guest host.
What I can make of the guest host 'MacGruber' is that he needs to sit in plagiarist's corner and stop trying to regurgitate songs from Team America and jokes from Anchor Man - the unoriginal prick.
With the jobbers out of the way (I don't care if Drew's got a title, he's still a jobber), it's time to focus on what I think was the main event of the evening (the actual main even was a six-man-tag with Punk on one side and Mysterio on the other, no awards for guessing which side won). The match in question was Jack Swagger vs The Undertaker; in the ring against 'taker, the all-American American looked like a main-eventer - he looked like a champion for the first time. The match wasn't exactly a classic, but it ranks up there as one of the finest non-PPV matches so far this year. Undertaker obviously won, but Swagger looked like a fighting champion, and that's what's important.
So, bring on the draft. I'd love to see Punk and the Undertaker on Raw and Orton on Smackdown - I'd also like to see WWE ununify (is that a word?) the tag-team belts and get a stronger tag-team division going.

Extreme rules this Sunday, bang bang!

Controversy creates cash...

...didn't exactly work for Gary Glitter did it?

WWE comes to the UK...

Last weekend, I went to see Smackdown in Manchester, and on the whole it was pretty good. There were some great matches and more importantly some great chants.
When Zigler came to the ring, all I heard around me was "He's Jeff Jarrett", when Kane came to the ring there were chants of "Issac Yankem" clap clap clap clap clap and "He's a dentist." When Fat Hardy and Drew MacIntire were pissing about the crowd were chanting "we want wrestling", and when WWE's own MCMG clones 'the Dude Busters' came out, we got the most British of chants, straight from the football terraces of "who are ye? who are ye?" - not because we Brits didn't know who they were, but because they are shit. I think my favourite of the night was the chant of "enter-tain-ment" clap clap clap clap clap... you know it works.
So that was my live experience. It was pretty cool, the crowd was a bit flat, but on the whole pretty decent. I took my kid brother for his 11th birthday and he got to meet the Honey Monster. I was hoping to see HM in a hardcore match, but I'm a dreamer, man.
The highlight of the night was the triple threat match between Edge, Jericho and Swagger. Of course, a title changing hands was less likely than Ric Flair being tolerant to homosexuals, but it was worth it to see Bret Hart as enforcer putting Swagger into the victorious Swagger at the end of the match. (Like in Smackdown, Swagger had got a pin on Jericho from Edge's spear).
On to the broadcasts...
Lets's be honest, guest hosts on Raw are a bag of shit. A bunch of C list celebs who are only vaguely famous in America plugging their bullshit while we're waiting for the wrestling. This week was no exception. Contrary to what the commentators on Raw would have you believe, David Hasselhoff is not seen as a god in the UK (they're thinking of Germany), people see him as a joke. A bit of a sad parody of a famous person, the type of guy who student's though was cool about ten years ago. His recent hit only charted in the UK because of people ironically buying his record because Radio One's fattest DJ, Chris Moyles thought that it would be heeelarious (and it really was).
I'm not the biggest fan of women's wrestling, but I thought that the Baywatch Babe match was just a little bit insulting. Who was it aimed at? Baywatch hasn't been on the TV for about 15 years and most of its fans aren't teenage boys anymore, but in their 30s with kids and dogs and patios and pension schemes and are so desensitized to the excesses of internet porn that a few women jumping round in swimsuits just don't do it for them any more... unless they're farting on a Brazilian girl or something.
The fact is that the whole show was bullshit, especially the thinly veiled excuse to bring Orton over Smackdown (he's wrestled everyone on the Raw roster at least 3-4 times), by offering a shot at the World Championship against Swagger at Extreme Rules.
The highlight of the show was Miz's microphone wrestling against Bret Gart, that was funny as fuck.
Onto Smackdown...
at the minute, I think I prefer Smackdown to Raw, mainly because of CM Punk's microphone wrestling. I've marked for Punk for a few years now and can't wait to see him get back in the ring with Brian Danielson or Daniel Bryanson, whatever he's called now. Bring in McGuiness (AKA Desmond Wolfe) and Samoa Joe from TNA and you've got an ROH circa 2005 reunion - and it would piss over most of the WWE roster at the moment.
I'm not going to go into details about the matches on this one, but draw attention to one of the funniest moments I've seen on WWE for a few years, and completely unintentionally.
There was a point where the Miz came down to commentate on the six-man tag match between Hart Dynasty/Ray Mysterio and SxE. The result's was so obvious; it is actually a scientific and logical impossibility for Rey Mysterio to lose in a match with CM Punk. So, the Miz is sat at the announcer's table bragging about his Blue Peter badge. If you believe the Miz, then he was given it by "the UK" and it's like a "key to the city". Any UK fans will know the Blue Peter is the program of choice for little middle class kids who are into making stuff with "sticky-back plastic' and toilet roll tubes.
I'll let you judge by the clip. Just a side note, my missus went to school with Helen Skelton.



Bring on Lockdown and Extreme Rules!

What needs to be done with TNA

I figured that with so much debate surrounding TNA, I'd throw in some ideas to the mix. Firstly, I want to say that over the past year, I think TNA has put out an excellent product and with its recent push has made the WWE start to compete again. Secondly, the American rating system doesn't particularly interest me. I watch RAW/TNA/Smackdown in the UK so the figures don't really mean much and they are shown at different times. Thirdly, I think TNA/ROH/WWE all have their charm and unique things about them and wouldn't want to see any of the get flushed down the toillet. Anyway, here are my thoughts:


1) TNA should have two 1 1/2 hour shows per week. The roster is too big and there are two many storylines of late. There are also too many decent wrestlers being lost in the mix. This could be done as part of the Bishoff/Jarrett angle. Jarett gets poed with Bishoff and gets TNA back on Thursday, brings back the 6-sided, squared-circle and brings Foley back as a manager/writer.

2) TNA should focus more on its original roster, not on Hogan/Bishoff. I went to see TNA in Manchester recently and the line-up showed how great TNA can be without the old-timers (the oldest ones there were probably the Dudleys and Kurt Angle).

3) Get rid of some of the old-timers: Nash, Hall, Nasty Boys and Hogan in the ring are not fun to watch. (Hogan reminded me of Doctor Zoidberg from Futurama).

Bring back more hardcore matches.

And on the roster:

Abyss: getting annoying, the cheap Mick Foley angle was on the mark.



A.J. Styles: A great wrestler, but doesn't make a very good heel. The change seems too sudden and seems inconsistant with previous months. Also, reminds me a bit too much of when WCW turned Hogan into a bad guy.

Alex Shelley: This guy's a great microphone wrestler and is great in the ring. Would like to see him in more X-Division matches as well as tag matches.

Amazing Red: I don't see the appeal, he's basically an acrobat who can't microphone wrestle. Good for X-Division though

Brian Kendrick: This guy's got potential in the ring, but I've yet to see him microphone wrestle.

Brother Devon and Brother Ray: These guys have the Road Warriors thing going on in that they're bad guys, but are very popular. Had some great matches and Bubba Ray is a great microphone wrestler.

Chris Sabin: This guy is as funny as they come, MCMG's are a great tag team and, as with Shelley, more should be made of him as a singles competitor.

D'Angelo Dinero: I've only recently warmed to this guy based on his mic skills. He dresses like a gimp and he's good in the ring. I'm not sure if he's heavyweight championship material though.

Daniels: This guy was great a few years ago, had some great matches in ROH and some of his matches with Joe and AJ are some of the best in wrestling. Bring back Curry Man.

Desmond Wolfe: This guy should be the next TNA heavyweight champion. This guy is awesome; he's a great technical wrestler, his mic work is genius and he's keeping the two-fingered salute alive, you bloody wankers. If his time in ROH is anything to go by, Wolfe should be awesome in TNA (would love to see him in a tag team with Mr Kennedy). Oh, and his valet Chelsea is as hot as they come.



Doug Williams: Solid technical wrestler has one of the best finishers in wrestling, some crazy rolling German suplex (might be called Chaos Theory, not sure though)

Dr. Stevie: This guy was great in ECW, doesn't seem to do a lot in TNA. Maybe he should restart the BWO?

Eric Young: One of the most inconsistant wrestlers in TNA. What happened to World Elite? It wasn't the most subtle of storylines, but where did it go?

Hernandez: This guy is what TNA's about, good solid wrestler, very strong, good mic work. Needs to be a single wrestler though.

Homicide: He was just starting to get interesting before Hogan arrived, now what?

James Storm: Beer Money are over-rated. There, I said it.

Jay Lethal: This guy is as funny as hell. Love the fact that he's just a bad copy of the Macho Man and is obsessed with old-school wrestlers. Would love to see more of his invitational matches (didn't the Anvil look terrible?), perhaps with a match against the Macho Man himself.



Jeff Hardy: The future of TNA in my opinion. The guy was WWE champion 6 months ago, but TNA didn't make enough of him. Basically, they signed one of the biggest wrestlers of the moment and focused on a guy who was big 25 years ago. Bad marketing by TNA.

Jeff Jarrett: Never rated him much in the ring, but he's had some great story lines, I can see him as a great booker.

Jesse Neal: Possibly the worst character in TNA. This guy is the parody of bad wrestler. He lacks subtlty, he does that stupid grimace thing and he looks like a tit. Maybe I just dislike wrestlers with mohawks.

Kevin Nash: This guy was shit at his peak. Yeah, he looks like a wrestler, but he's got about 3 moves. Also, he looks pretty washed-up these days and can barely walk.

Kiyoshi: Not a lot has been made of Kiyoshi of late, can see him getting fired, though he's decent in the ring.

Kurt Angle: A legend in the true sense, this guy's still got it. His matches with Wolfe and AJ last year were some of the best I've ever seen. He's also a great microphone wrestler.

Magnus: Another decent TNA staple, just needs a push, He'll always be a heel because he's British. I'd love to see a British babyface who the American fans are into.

Matt Morgan: Big, arrogant and decent on the mic. TNA were starting to push him as a contender then put him in a tag team, weird.

Max Buck: Part of Generation Me. It's like this guy has digested the Hardy's and the Rockers' style and added little to it. They could grow into a decent team, but at present they're just annoying.


Mr. Anderson: A true microphone wrestler, this guy is hilarious and decent in the ring. WWE should have made more of him.



Orlando Jordan: This guy's awful, get rid of him.

Raven: This guy was great in ECW, doesn't do much in the ring anymore, which is a shame.

Rhino: Rubbish, get rif of him

Robert Roode: Over-rated

Rob Terry: This guy can't wrestle and he looks like he's taken a few too many steroids. Get rid.

Rob Van Dam: See Jeff Hardy, can't wait to see more RVD.

Samoa Joe: Awesome wrestler on the mic and in the ring. His recent promo was nice and creepy. Can't wait to see how it pans out.

Scott Hall: Looks like a fat, washed-up drug wreck. He's boring, the Wolfpac thing was rubbish in the 90s. Get rid, time to look forward.

Shannon Moore: See Jesse Neal.

Shark Boy: Bring him back!



Sting: Has had some good matches over the last year, but he's clearly past his peak. He should have retired after Bound for Glory.

Suicide: The gimp of TNA and he wears oven gloves! Great in the ring, pushed into the background of late.

Syxx-Pac/Sean Waltman: This guy's always reminded me of the little chav who hangs around with all the big chavs and thinks he's tough. This guy's still in shape and can still wrestle, but with Nash and Hall he's gonna be stuck in 98 forever.

Val Venus and Tomko can go. Hopefully the Nasty Boyz will get their long-overdue heart attacks.

And for the knockouts. I'm quite glad that TNA push women's wrestling the way they do. WWE treat women's wrestling as a joke where pretty much all of the storylines come from bitchy comments or someone calling someone else fat and/or ugly.
Good to see TNA's recent addition of tag belts.
Since Hogan came in though, they seem to have really thinned out the women's roster. I suppose there's always Shimmer...