Worst wrestlers: Nailz

One of my favourite things about pro wrestling is the capacity of its writers to produce some of the worst characters to appear on screen or in print. In an irregular series, I'm going to explore some of these characters and share their highlights with you.
First, we have Nailz.
In March 1992, Nailz burst onto WWF superstars to continue his feud with the Big Boss Man. Of course, the viewers had not be privy to this feud, for this feud did not occur in the squared-circle, but in the prison where Boss Man was a prison guard. Nailz sought revenge from the Boss Man for his incarceration, for which Nailz protested his innocence. Even as a ten year old, watching this, I knew that something didn't quite make sense. Why was Nailz pissed off at the Boss Man, surely Nailz should have been more pissed off with police who had investigated his alleged crimes, the attornies in the trial who had failed to defend his case, the members of the jury who had reached the wrong verdict and the judge who had laid down his sentence. Damn, even the guy who drove the prison van from the courthouse to the penetentiary was more to blame for Nailz's imprisoned state. Okay, so on reflection, it may be considered an irrational response from Nailz, but one doesn't know how they would react when falsely convicted for a crime. Perhaps Nailz's misdirected rage was symptomatic of this harsh injustice.
It was when Boss Man had just beaten Dave Roulette that Nailz made his disgruntlement known to the Boss Man,



Again, even as a ten year old, something din't rest well with me. The main question being, why was Nailz still in his orange prison overalls? This made no sense to me and makes no sense today. If Nailz had been released from prison, then surely his prison overalls would have remained property of the prison. If Nailz had escaped from prison, then his mere appearence on a live television broadcast would have quickly alerted the authorities to his location. The only other option was that Nailz was on day release, but even then I am not convinced that the prison would have allowed the removal of the orange jumpsuit. But I'm getting bogged down in the logic of it, so its best to move on.
By the end of Nailz's and Boss Man's first encounter, the drama has already been established and the main point of contention has been put into play. The foundations for the feud are firmly laid with Nailz stealing the Boss Man's treasured night stick.
But why Nailz? Why don't you like the Boss Man?



Holy shit, this guy is not to be messed with. He's a psycho! With the theft of Boss Man's night stick, Nailz establishes the existence of a metaphorical prison, in which Boss Man is imprisoned in, but is also free to go about his everyday life and continue gainful employment as a wrestler. On re-watching this promo, I am reminded of the big lovable accountant from the American Office, Kevin; so from now on I will watch the Office and fear the Kevin will lock Jim and Pam in a metaphorical prison and throw away the metaphorical key and allow them to get on with their everyday lives as usual - it's a scary thought.


So, with Boss Man in hospital, he has time to reflect and returns to his job as a wrestler, and is quite annoyed by the actions of Mr Nailz. It seems that night sticks are incredibly sentinmental items, with each prison guard being given one night stick during his career and is encouraged to nurture it as if it were a child or expensive plant. Indeed, so stong is the bond between a prison guard and his night stick that guard and stick are obliged to stay together, even if the guard has a career change. The stick stays with the guard until the stick is due to retire and put out to pasture.
So with Boss Man's attachment to his stick at stake, and the fact that in America it is impossible to get hold of any other night sticks whatsoever, the Boss Man challenged Nailz to a wrestling match to get his treasured night stick back.



With the high stakes of this match, it is difficult not to get emotional. After all, what follows is a match for the Boss Man's most treasured of possessions. With a fifteen foot pole and a psycho between him and his beautiful night stick, you know that Boss Man is in for the match of his career.



Wait, with Nailz's comments at the end of the match, perhaps we were wrong, perhaps it is we who are the monsters...