RIP TNA: A Memorial - Part 3

In a continuations of my tearful send off of TNA, the match I want to share with you today is America's Most Wanted versus Triple X in six sides (count them) of steel. The rivalry between Triple X and AMW came a head after a two year build-up in this match match, which can be fairly described as one of the craziest cage matches in TNA history.

That Clown from Outta Town - iMPACT October 14th 2010 - Boycott TNA, watch PWG instead!

Well, that didn't last long...I don't think even Foley himself has come back quicker than I did.

On the other hand, I'm not 'back' back - Socko asked me to do a review of this week's iMPACT because it was so terrible. Which is nice - whenever I tell him about wrestling it's 'Hey Socko, did you check out the Anderson v Angle cage match yet?' or 'Hey Socko, check out this awesome ECW match I found on youtube'. But when he tells me to watch something, it's because it's the shittest iMPACT in living memory. Socko, you're a sadist.

Still, he did literally put me in a mandible claw to get me to agree to do this. Let's get this shite over with, I've got better things to do.

0:55 - Quick tip, TNA - if you're going to start the show with a highlight package, don't make it a highlight package of something shit. That's not a highlight. It's just a piece of shit.
4:00 - 4 minutes in, I'm already bored. I don't really know the details of the contract angle, but it seems pretty stupid.
5:06 - The crowd chanting 'Hogan sucks'...like they've ONLY JUST realised that he's bad for TNA? Every idiot in that arena deserves everything they're getting.
6:18 - "...there is, a motor to this madness..." has to be the worst Shakespeare misquote I've ever heard, and it makes no fucking sense whatsoever.
8:25 - I'm not actually listening to a word they're saying...it's literally going in one ear and out the other..
9:00 - Here comes Abyss
9:43 - The crowd is pissing me off. Don't stand there booing, just walk out...the louder you complain, the more they'll go on about how much 'heat' they have. Just leave the arena, switch off your TV, and they'll go back to putting on a good show. Then you can start watching again.
11:57 - As stupid and boring as this is, I still like Jarrett's music.
12:41 - "Genius!" - Yeah, Jarrett, working for 8 years to build up a company only to hire the guy who wrecked your last company and lose everything sounds a lot like genius.
14:17 - Is this...a Fortune face turn?? Ok, now they have my interest
16:21 - And they lost it again. Still, 2 minutes out of 16 is pretty good for TNA nowadays.
17:52 "Now for the moment you've all been waiting for..." Er...some wrestling?
18:13 - Jeff Hardy. I don't think Bischoff understands the phrase 'the moment you've all been waiting for'.
18:47 - Hardy's new music is the most mediocre entrance music I've heard in a while. Dull as shit.
19:40 - Why does Hardy remind me of Raven tonight?
20:46 - Hardy's criticizing RVD for being a politician? What the fuck, you're Bischoff's buddy and just screwed Angle and Anderson out of the belt, and you're criticizing people for politics? Are you mental?
28:02 - Still bored.
32:33 - "You little smug shit" First sensible thing Dixie's said since January 4th...kinda surprised they didn't beep it to be honest
34:12 - I like Madison's new music
34:26 - And her new look
35:05 - I still hate her whiney voice though - fast forwarding
39:11 - Well that was fucking stupid.
40:14 - I have no idea who this woman is
41:33 - Mickie James...another WWE reject. Just what TNA needs right now.
41:59 - There's some kind of celebrity with even faker boobs than the Beautiful People...I'm gonna go ahead and guess reality star? Maybe pop singer, but American pop stars are usually hotter than that.
43:44 - Eric Young deserves better.
45:13 - 'Please don't go' chants for Angle. Damn straight.
51:19 - Kurt getting owned by security guards. Ffs TNA.
54:54 - Oh, a wrestling match...I'd almost forgotten that this was a wrestling show. The funny thing is, I'm genuinely not being sarcastic.
55:43 - FUCK YEAH JOE
58:44 - Seriously, TNA, go fuck yourself.
58:59 - RVD is making the save? Double fuck yourself you fucking cunt, TNA
59:46 - Wow, those are some pretty big scars RVD has from when Abyss attacked him with Janice. OH WAIT THERE AREN'T ANY
61:43 - Hardy's calling himself the new antichrist of professional wrestling...the last antichrist of professional wrestling was Judas Messias, so Jeff's in good company.
62:40 - RVD v Anderson is the main event. Sigh.
64:41 - Right. Now I'm really pissed off. Bischoff's firing his secretary, and he goes 'If you want to be part of TNA, put on some boots and go wrestle with the knockouts...because that's all you're good for'. Are you fucking kidding me? Wrestlers ARE the show. Being a wrestler is the highest fucking accolade in TNA, not a punishment...to dismiss wrestlers out of hand like that is a fucking insult. I know I usually fast forward the Knockouts, but they have consistently had the highest rated segments on the show for years. Why the fuck are TNA publicly disrespecting their most popular stars?
66:48 - Wow, Pope v all of Fortune? This ought to be a great match...
72:12 - What the fuck were they? They look like an internet meme gone wrong...
73:42 - Seriously, what the fuck are these people? Is it a joke like Ali G or what?
75:29 - They say if infinite monkeys had infinite typewriters and infinite time, eventually one of them would write the complete works of Shakespeare. This episode of iMPACT - three monkeys, ten minutes.
76:55 - Catfights are only good when a) the women are hot, b) the women are wearing skimpy clothing. When it's two moderately attractive women wearing full street clothes...what's the fucking point?
80:52 - RVD v Anderson. 2:22 left of the show. This is gonna be shit.

And the match ended on Reaction. I won't bother watching it because I don't give a fuck - and I only said I'd watch iMPACT. And I'm not watching again until the first iMPACT after Hogan and Bischoff leave. I might watch a PPV or two if the lineup looks decent though.

This was a pretty shit show. TNA's been this bad for a while. They're rehashing an old angle that was relevant 20 years ago, and was a failure even then. Now, it's both obsolete and a failure. I really hope ratings drop off so that the bean counters get the message that Hogan and Bischoff are ruining the show...if they do OK ratings-wise, this shit will never end.

Starting next month, I should be able to free up enough cash to start importing indie DVDs from the US, so I'll probably start reviewing PWG and Chikara, maybe others. I love PWG, even though I haven't seen nearly enough of it. If you have any interest in wrestling you should definitely take a look at their Youtube. Having said that, there's a PWG fan who makes homebrew highlight videos for Youtube, which are actually better than PWG's professional ones - it's definitely worth taking a look (although he's been pretty quiet lately).

RIP TNA: A memorial - Part 2

The next match I want to share with you is from Final Resolution in 2005. The match in question is one of TNA's greatest innovations: the Ultimate X. In this match we see Petey Williams versus AJ Styles versus Chris Sabin for the X Division title.

TNA have done some shite gimmicks in their time, but the Ultimate X isn't one of them. This was the first Ultimate X match where the combination of wrestlers and spots made it a staple of the (what seems to be) long forgotten X Division.

Sit back and enjoy, this is an awesome match.

RIP TNA: A memorial.

Let's not dwell on the bad times, TNA has put on some amazing matches in its time. In a tribute to TNA here is the first part of my top ten matches in TNA history.

My tenth favourite match in TNA history is from August 2002: Jerry Lynn versus Lo-Ki versus AJ Styles. There was a lot of crap that was put out during the first few years of TNA, and matches during this time haven't aged well. This is still a great match and has some pretty nasty spots once the ladders get involved. Enjoy!

TNA Impact: 14th October

As TNA is meant to be a wrestling show, I’ve decided I’m going to ignore the promos during this one. This is no easy challenge as most of the episode was taken up with people standing there with mics in their hands... and it was all Hogan/Bischoff Bullshit... ugh.

Only 37 minutes (not counting adverts) into this, we have our first match: a Knockouts match between Tara and Madison Rayne for the Knockouts championship. I use the word match very loosely here as all that happened was that the bell rang, Tara lay on the mat and Madison pinned her, thus become the new Knockouts champ. The match literally lasted less than 10 seconds.

At almost 55 minutes in, the first real match starts: Samoa Joe versus Abyss. This could have been a very good match, and started off quite promisingly with Joe being all over Abyss with a barrage of chops, punches and kicks. Abyss got the Chokeslam and Joe was down on the mat, not moving. Abyss left the ring and got a chair to attack Joe with, but Joe got up and did a Suicide Dive into the chair and cracked Abyss in the face. Abyss then took the ring bell and corked Joe over the head with it busting him wide open, brother. At this point Abyss was disqualified... a DQ after 2 minutes? Oh dear. With Joe looking weak and bleeding all over himself, Abyss goes for the post-match beat-down... hark! Who should save the day but Rob Van Dam... Since when does Joe get so beaten by Abyss, and since when did Joe need a run-in by RVD to save him?

By the end of the first hour, we’ve had less than 3 minutes of in-ring action... less than 3 minutes.

At just under 67 minutes in, we have our next match: a handicap match between the Pope and Fourtune. Yes, all six of them. I think the word Retarded would be more fitting here than Handicap. Unsurprisingly, Fourtune won. This match was given a whole 3 minutes, thus doubling the amount of in-ring action we’ve seen in this episode.

At 79 ½ minutes, we have our main event of the evening: RVD versus Mr Anderson for the number one contender spot. The match was actually pretty good, with both competitors putting on a great match... until about 8 minutes in... guess who should come out? Yep, Eric Bischoff. Bischoff comes down the ring and takes the ref to the back, allowing Jeff Hardy to do a run in and his both RVD and Anderson with steel chair. He got the chair tangled in Anderson’s arm, and dropped RVD onto it... and the NWO won... That spot with the chair was probably the highlight of the show, but it was an a mere glimmer in what was possibly the worst Impact I have ever seen. My eyes hurt from the amount of times I found myself rolling them.

12 minutes of wrestling in a 2 hour wrestling show is a joke. When NWO first started in WCW, their goal was to destroy WCW... even though it was a storyline, that is exactly what happened. Now they’re basically back in TNA, it is only a matter of time before the same thing happens. I feel really sad about this, because between 2006-2009, TNA was by far the best wrestling show, now it is becoming horrible to endure. I find that I’m only watching it just in case they put on a decent Guns, Williams or Wolfe match.


You made that sign...

TNA Bound for Glory predictions revisited

* Abyss Reveals "THEY"

As we saw on Before the Glory, Abyss is to be fired at one minute past midnight on the 11th, so this will be his last night in TNA... or not. I predict that "they" will either be a) James Mitchell accompanied by some TNA originals (Petey Williams, Monty Brown, Chris Harris, Daniels), b) Hogan with NWO style beard accompanied by Scott Hall and some other 'legends', c) there will be an invasion by ROH... I don't know, I've not been looking for spoilers or rumours because I don't want to ruin it, a) would make the most sense though.


This was an absolute digrace. Who were they? Why Hogan, Bischoff, Jarret and, um, Jeff Hardy. This being 'they' stinks to hell and the storyline makes absolutely no fucking sense. This was so retarded... It's also obvious that Dixie has signed control over to 'they'. FOR FUCKING FUCK'S SAKE, THIS IS THE SINGLE WORST THING THAT TNA HAS EVER DONE.

* Team 3D's Announcement

Not sure what to make of this one. I assume they are announcing their retirement, but it might be that they are going to bring back something to do with the IWGP titles... I really don't know.


Retirement it was, shame.


* Ink Inc. (Neal and Moore) vs. Orlando Jordan and Eric Young

In my best Ric Flair voice: "Are you kidding me?" - this is meant to be TNA's flagship PPV and they put on a mediocre tag-team against a comedy tag-team. FFS.

OJ and Eric to win

This was a good comedy match with Ink Inc. getting the win.

Match rating **


* Kevin Nash, Sting and The Pope vs. Jeff Jarrett and Samoa Joe

This match has been building for almost a year, and this is best they could come up with? Joe versus Pope would be sufficient. FFS.

Nash et al to win.

1/2 right. This match was retarded, there was no reason to leave Joe in the ring to get beaten by Sting et al.

Match rating *


* MONSTERS BALL: Abyss vs. RVD

This will probably be an entertaining match. I really want Abyss to fuck RVD up (properly this time).

Abyss to win.

RVD won, the match was pretty entertaining.

1/3

Match rating **

* LETHAL LOCKDOWN: EV2.0 vs. Fourtune

This match will be a complete clusterfuck, some of the guys should be in singles matches rather than this War Games bullshit.

Fourtune to win.

Shit, I'm well off the mark on this. This match was pretty dull, the usual LL Wargames style clusterfuck. Would much rather have seen some of these guys in singles bouts. Found myself getting bored during the match at a few points, but was suprised by the finish.

1/4

Match rating **

* TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: Jay Lethal © vs. Douglas Williams

Didn't like the way the strap was given to Lethal without build-up, but would like to see him retain to bring X Division back to what it was.

Lethal to win.


I got this, but Doug clearly had Lethal for three. See next Botchamania. On the whole it was a good match, always love it when Doug does his Chaos Theory, reminds me of a move that Zangief does in Street Fighter IV

2/5

Match rating ***1/2

* TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Angelina Love © vs. Velvet Sky vs. Madison Rayne vs. Tara (With Mickie James As Special Referee).

Hmm, difficult to call, can see Velvet pinning Angelina.

Velvet to win.


This was a pretty decent match, Tara won, which suprised me and Mickie James will hopefully inject some new life into KO division.

2/6

Match rating ***

* TNA TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: The Motor City Machineguns © vs. Generation Me

Guns to retain, this will be a great match.

As predicted, this was by far the best match of the evening, the Guns are awesome and Gen Me are starting to look like convinving heels. I love this style of wrestling and this is what drew me to TNA in the first place. Sort your shit out TNA.

3/7

Match rating ****

* FOR THE VACANT TNA TITLE: Kurt Angle vs. Mr. A

Obviously pointing to an Angle win, and I'd welcome that, even though it's a bit obvious. saying that, I can see Anderson getting the pin on Hardy so Angle doesn't technically lose. This could be match of the year, let's hope there is no Bischoff bullshit.

Anderson to win.

This is an example of how to completely ruin what could have been the best match of the year. The ending to this match was absolute bullshit and ruined the event for me. FUCK YOU TNA.

Hardy won, with bullshit from Hogan/Bischoff.


Match rating before bullshit *****
Match rating after bullshit -*****

So I was way off with my predictions, but TNA were way off with their PPV. Without the bullshit, there were some good matches. The booking defies logic, reason, storytelling... I CAN'T EMPHASISE HOW MUCH TNA SUCKS BECAUSE OF THIS.

TNA Bound for Glory predictions

It's that time again, here are my predictions for Bound for Glory. I was thinking back to last year's BFG, and how great the build-up was, and then looked at this year's and realised how bad the build up is. Anyway, let's do this:

* Abyss Reveals "THEY"

As we saw on Before the Glory, Abyss is to be fired at one minute past midnight on the 11th, so this will be his last night in TNA... or not. I predict that "they" will either be a) James Mitchell accompanied by some TNA originals (Petey Williams, Monty Brown, Chris Harris, Daniels), b) Hogan with NWO style beard accompanied by Scott Hall and some other 'legends', c) there will be an invasion by ROH... I don't know, I've not been looking for spoilers or rumours because I don't want to ruin it, a) would make the most sense though.

* Team 3D's Announcement

Not sure what to make of this one. I assume they are announcing their retirement, but it might be that they are going to bring back something to do with the IWGP titles... I really don't know.

* Ink Inc. (Neal and Moore) vs. Orlando Jordan and Eric Young

In my best Ric Flair voice: "Are you kidding me?" - this is meant to be TNA's flagship PPV and they put on a mediocre tag-team against a comedy tag-team. FFS.

OJ and Eric to win

* Kevin Nash, Sting and The Pope vs. Jeff Jarrett and Samoa Joe

This match has been building for almost a year, and this is best they could come up with? Joe versus Pope would be sufficient. FFS.

Nash et al to win.

* MONSTERS BALL: Abyss vs. RVD

This will probably be an entertaining match. I really want Abyss to fuck RVD up (properly this time).

Abyss to win.

* LETHAL LOCKDOWN: EV2.0 vs. Fourtune

This match will be a complete clusterfuck, some of the guys should be in singles matches rather than this War Games bullshit.

Fourtune to win.

* TNA X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH: Jay Lethal © vs. Douglas Williams

Didn't like the way the strap was given to Lethal without build-up, but would like to see him retain to bring X Division back to what it was.

Lethal to win.


* TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: Angelina Love © vs. Velvet Sky vs. Madison Rayne vs. Tara (With Mickie James As Special Referee).

Hmm, difficult to call, can see Velvet pinning Angelina.

Velvet to win.


* TNA TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: The Motor City Machineguns © vs. Generation Me

Guns to retain, this will be a great match.

* FOR THE VACANT TNA TITLE: Kurt Angle vs. Mr. A

Obviously pointing to an Angle win, and I'd welcome that, even though it's a bit obvious. saying that, I can see Anderson getting the pin on Hardy so Angle doesn't technically lose. This could be match of the year, let's hope there is no Bischoff bullshit.

Anderson to win.