Greatest matches ever!: WWE Kurt Angle and Chris Benoi versus Edge and Rey Mysterio

No Mercy, 2002, had some pretty impressive matches. There was Brock Lesnar versus Undertaker in Hell in a Cell, and the match I want to share with you today for the, then new, WWE Tag Team Championship.

If this match proves anything, it is not only that all of these guys are tremendous talents, but also that Benoit's wrestling career is something that should be celebrated rather than brushed under the carpet because of the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his death.

Anyways, enjoy!





It's weird to hear Taz not talking about "yam bags" at every opportunity.

That Clown from Outta Town - The Great RAW Experiment

iMPACT has finally gone downhill so far that I'm willing to watch a WWE show. I realise it's basically a children's show, but the WWE do have some good talent, and there's no Russo or Bischoff - who knows, it might be ok. On the other hand, I might switch off after half an hour because it's as bad as I remember it. Only one way to find out - LET'S DO THIS

0:15 - The intro reminds me of Botchamania :)
0:32 - This must be Nexus...they don't look all that interesting...the only one who actually looks like a fighter is the bald dude.
1:33 - Darren Young looks absolutely ridiculous - who thought that hairstyle would even approach being a good idea?
3:48 - God, I hate WWE theme tunes...I know I complain about TNA's, but this is fucking shite
4:27 - Wow, Shamus is champ? Never thought that'd happen, I thought he was like a comedy character or something...tag team with Hornswoggle, yes, world champ, no.
5:30 - The first 5 minutes are way better than the first 5 of iMPACT, and it's been nothing but highlights
6:03 - I'd forgotten how bad WWE promos are. Talk...pause for audience reaction...talk...pause...talk...pause...for 15 minutes
9:29 - Does RAW have a mystery GM now instead of guest hosts? I thought Abyss' 'They', and TNA's mystery biker are shit, but this is...this is actually quite an interesting angle.
11:07 - I still can't get my head round Edge as a viable singles wrestler. I guess I'll always see him as Intercontinental level.
13:22 - R Truth...great wrestler, crap gimmick.
19:02 - Neat match...nothing hugely original, pretty basic stuff. But basic stuff done well.
19:59 - Talk...pause...talk...pause...talk...pause...theme tune
21:04 - Cena v Miz...that sounds terrible. Cena's decent, but Miz is a waste of space.
22:03 - It's kinda weird how people seem to think you either have to love or hate Cena. I think he's pretty good, not great, but definitely better than average. Like the 'console wars', the extremists on both sides of the debate are fucking retarded.
22:55 - Khali's still in it? :(
23:44 - Is Jericho still doing his "You people are parasitic maggots" gimmick? I enjoyed that. I like Jercho.
25:21 - Khali makes Nash look like a skilled mat specialist
26:16 - I think there is about a 0% chance that Shamus will pick Khali.
28:29 - Another pretty decent match. A pretty decent match featuring Khali. What the fuck.
32:16 - Divas...FML
40:49 - Nexus...should be interesting
41:00 - That email thing is pretty annoying...I like the gimmick but the lighting effect looks cheap
42:44 - They put a belt on Miz? FFS
44:25 - I like Cena's music
53:38 - This match is actually ok...Miz seems a lot better than I remember
55:57 - Danielson's going mental
56:26 - Main Event? There's half an hour left, what are you talking about Cole you fucktard
57:14 - Santino & Kozlov? What?
61:27 - Short, but not bad. I'd love to see Joe v Kozlov...
67:16 - Morrison looked better without the beard...he's awesome though
74:22 - Another decent match
75:40 - I like Orton's music too
77:54 - Danielson plz
78:08 - Who the fuck is Zack Ryder

Pretty decent show actually - I'm shocked how much better it is than iMPACT. TNA used to piss on WWE, now they're much much worse.

The show was decent, but not great. Nothing special or memorable happened, there were no sit-up-and-take-notice matches. But there was nothing bad, either. None of the matches were shit (I fast forwarded the Divas...). None of the matches seemed too short. They were all decent, solid matches, if a little generic. There were no fucktarded promos, there were no insane and illogical storylines, there were no wrestlers who don't look like they belong there being pushed to the top regardless of what the fans think. It was just decent wrestling and fuck all else.

I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I wish TNA would take a leaf out of WWE's book. They have better talent than WWE (at least, their roster is more skewed to my style of wrestling...the WWE guys are very good at what they do), so if they got the booking as solid as this Monday's RAW, they'd have an awesome show on their hands. Sadly, they're just going to keep throwing shit at a wall and hoping something sticks, which is a fucking shame.

That Clown from Outta Town - TNA iMPACT August 26th 2010

Another week, another iMPACT. This week should be an improvement on last week, they'd really have to be trying their hardest for it to be worse. No storylines I'm interested in, the only thing I'm looking forward to is the MCMG match. With expectations this low, surely it's going to be impossible to disappoint.

LET'S DO THIS

01:39 - And the first thing we see is Eric fucking Bischoff. THE SHOW IS CALLED TNA WRESTLING, NOT TNA TALKING FFS
5:16 - This is the worst possible start to the show
07:47 - I take that back, Flair's out for 90 days :) One less person who only ever talks and never wrestles to waste my time
11:08 - It really is the worst, the suspension was fake I think...and Dixie's husband got involved, and now Hogan's here...fuck.
13:05 - Yup, suspension lifted...this is terrible
13:47 - Oh for fuck's sake...Hogan is standing with four WWE stars saying 'This is TNA', when across the ring you have AJ, Kaz, Beer Money...this is absolutely the worst start to an iMPACT ever. I would literally rather see Big Fat Oily Guy make his comeback, and wrestle a midget, in an Ironman match, than have seen this fucking shitty promo. Why do TNA always ruin things when they're starting to get good? You never, ever, get three good iMPACTs in a row. Whenever something awesome happens, you know damn well there's a shitty iMPACT on it's way in the next week or two.
14:37 - Oh christ, 8-man tag is the main event...
15:05 - TNA is fractured....there's the WWE guys led by Hogan, Fortune led by Flair, ECW led by Dreamer...there's no TNA faction though! The X-Division is dead, the Women's division is floundering, the tag division is...two tag teams, and if you're not part of the big 'Hogan/Dixie/Flair' angle then your TV time consists of an uninspired, forgettable three-minute match every two or three weeks.
15:40 - Another fucking ringside brawl
17:50 - Orlando Jordan v Joe :D FUCK YEAH JOE KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL
18:15 - FUCK YEAH JOE'S BACK
18:25 - This match ought to be good, if it's not a 4-minute crapfest
19:21 - 1) STOP TALKING ABOUT FUCKING FLAIR DURING A JOE MATCH FFS, SAVE THAT SHIT FOR THE KNOCKOUTS SO I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT AND COMMENTATE ON THE FUCKING MATCH 2) Fortune is 'They'? Go fuck yourself, TNA
21:14 - Best 4 minute match ever...no wait, it was 3 minutes. If you're going to have a short match, it need that kind of pace and intensity to be any good, and Joe is the only guy in TNA who does that consistently. However, I reckon a 10-15 minute match between Joe and OJ would be much better - Jordan's a decent worker, very brutal style, probably one of the most underrated guys in TNA, and Joe always brings it...that match would definitely have the potential for greatness.
21:39 - Jarrett? Oh, fuck off. Kill him Joe.
22:04 - Mic? DON'T MAKE JOE BREAK HIS SILENCE
23:20 - Joe in Jarrett's corner :D More Joe is always a good idea
24:41 - Joe speaks :( I liked his gimmick where he came to the ring, kicked ass, and that was it. Was it really worth ending that just to paraphrase years-old lines from Austin?
29:16 - How did Jarrett kick out of that?
29:53 - REF BUMP FFS WHY DO YOU KEEP PULLING THIS SHIT
31:03 - Not a bad match, but the ending was the most clichéd ending possible
31:36 - OH MY GOD FUCKING BISCHOFF FUCK OFF
32:57 - God, this is shit...
33:11 - Mike Tennay - "You gotta love it!" No, Mike, I fucking don't have to fucking love it...
34:21 - Beer Money vs FBI - I never thought I'd see that matchup
36:57 - FBI got dominated...another pretty good short match
39:49 - It's good to see the original Beautiful People back together...now they just need to get Kong, ODB, Taylor, Raisha Said, Hamada and Roxxi back, not to mention Christy Hemme getting back in the ring, and they might have a halfway decent division again
41:54 - Did Velvet get another boob job? Her tits look huge tonight
45:36 - Madison's pretty good on the mic
47:01 - MCMG :D
47:19 - MCMG v Gen Me FUCK YEEEEAH
48:20 - Magnus & Magnum v MCMG at the PPV :)
EDIT: Magnus & Magnum? WTF? I meant Magnus & Doug...
49:31 - Tag time, this could be fucking awesome
50:00 - Being a TNA fan is so frustrating. The wrestlers have so much talent, but the booking is so inconsistent, illogical and at times awful, that the whole product suffers as a result. I can't stop watching because the wrestlers are so good, but I hate watching because the booking is so bad. If the bookers were as talented as the wrestlers, TNA would be as good as the original ECW - and that's not the kind of thing I say lightly.
55:19 - Springboard X-Factor, but Sabin sold it like it was a piledriver...it looked fucking awesome
55:50 - Springboard moonsault...see the height he got on that
57:15 - Pretty decent match...really good showing from Gen Me
17:31 - Sting choking Flair...I like Sting, he always attacks people that waste TV time with talking and never wrestle.
61:24 - PPV lineup looks entirely uninspired
63:50 - This backstage brawl sucks
68:55 - I like the feather AJ's wearing...makes him look like a can-can dancer
69:37 - Ugh, Anderson
71:42 - The main event is going to suck...tempted to fast forward
74:38 - This match is so stupid...one team of WWE stars vs one team of TNA originals...and the TNA guys are the heels, and WWE guys are faces. WTF, TNA? Why make the competition look good?
82:36 - Pretty average match. Crappy ending. Crappy post-match brawl.

Really bad ending to the show. Ever since Reaction started, they're ending the shows on a cliffhanger to encourage people to keep watching. But Reaction is shit - I watched week 1, I won't watch it again. It's just clips from iMPACT and interviews, no wrestling. Shit.

Not a great iMPACT, started very, very badly, there were some good bits, and the ending was mediocre. Better than last week, I guess. If I had to sum it up, I'd say it was 'almost adequate'.

Joe and OJ was good, showed that those two have the potential to wrestle a great match. Beer Money were good in their crushing of FBI, MCMG were good and Gen Me were great. Angelina and Velvet together again is a good thing. Everything apart from that could have been skipped without missing anything worthwhile.

There's no outstanding plotlines that I actually give a fuck about.

EDIT: And I've just found out the reason for RVD's 'injury' and subsequent title tournament. He only had a set number of matches left on his contract before the end of the year, and TNA didn't want to use them all up. FOR FUCK'S SAKE TNA, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BASING YOUR ENTIRE COMPANY AROUND ONE FUCKING GUY? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE SEVERAL BETTER WRESTLERS ON THE FUCKING BOOKS?

TNA nonsense watch

TNA is now officially fucking retarded. This week’s Impact was possibly the worst Impact I have ever seen. This whole show deserves to be included in our latest TNA nonsense watch.

I’ve stopped reviewing TNA because I like Clown’s take so much, but damn it, I need to get this off my chest. I cannot believe how bad TNA has been this week. Remember that TNA is a taped show, it’s not live. TNA management chose to air this shit. Let’s see what went wrong:

Before the show kicked off, we had a package with Ric Flair talking about Fourtune – Ric Flair’s rehash of the Four Horsemen, only with six fucking members (surely it should be called Sixtune?) Indeed, the accompanying graphic package for a later match with Beer Money had lots of number fours bobbing around. It’s even spelt Fourtune. The Four Horsemen with six guys? Really? What the fuck? If you’re going to redo the Four Horsemen, have four of them.

The show opened with Dixie Carter coming to the ring, this is not a good sign. Why they’ve made her a character is beyond me. So, she calls Ric out, holding him “personally responsible” for Abyss attacking RVD. How this is so I have no fucking clue. She proceeds to suspend Ric for 90 days. As President of the company, it is perfectly within her power and right to do this. Flair tells Dixies that Fourtune are going to take over TNA (wow, it’s like that nWo/MEM/Nexus angle hasn’t been done before). Fourtune come out and look as though they are going to beat up Dixie. Luckily Serge dives into the ring to take a beating instead. I know what you’re saying: “No not Serge, you bastards, not Serge!”... of course you’re not saying that, and nobody is saying that because nobody knows who the fuck Serge is. Essentially they want to put over a group of guys as the new bad asses in town by, erm, attacking someone that no one has seen in TNA before. This guy could be anyone, and I am sure that the live audience who wouldn’t have had Taz telling us that he’s Dixie Carter’s husband were 50 times more confused than the people watching at home. Who knew there was a Serge? Who gives a fuck if he gets beaten? This is complete bullshit... But wait, it gets worse. By this point Dixie has made a swift exit, leaving her husband to get beat by Sixtune, and who should enter but Hulk Hogan (accompanied by Angle, Anderson, Pope and Hardy). “Thank God for Hulk Hogan” were the genuine words that left Tenay’s mouth at that point. He reminded me of the way Jerry Lawler creams his boxers every time John Cena turns up for work. I was expecting Hogan to rush in and take out each member of Fourtune with one punch, but luckily that didn’t happen. Instead, we were treated to Hogan “overriding” Dixie’s decision to suspend Flair. So what? Is Hogan the President now? What the fuck? Hogan explains: “I made a deal with Dixie Carter, dude, to run this company 50/50, brother” – so I’m paraphrasing, but that was the essence: a 50/50 relationship. 50 doesn’t have a majority over 50, 50% doesn’t give you more control that another 50%. WHAT THE FUCK? Either Dixie’s the President or she’s not. This is complete and utter nonsense. If that was not bad enough, with Flair declaring that Fourtune are going to take over the company, the Fatal Four (that’s Hardy, Angle, Anderson and Pope (four babyfaces who are currently in a tournament against each other for the World Championship, the most coveted title in sports entertainment, I might add)) are going to give “the keys of the company back to Dixie”. Now I hate to use logic on this, but lets look at what’s going on here: Dixie came out and took control of her company, Hogan overrode her, Hogan wants Dixie to take back control of the company. There’s a beautiful circularity in this which if considered for too long and by too many people could actually rip the very fabric of space and time.

Then it went stupider. Joe was put in a match with Orlando Jordan, a guy whose gimmick seems to have gone from “a bisexual” to a dirty fucking rapist sex offender. I’m not going to deconstruct how terrible the Jordan gimmick is here (Clown did that perfectly a few months back), but the match was just pointless. Jordan came to the ring with a Samoa Joe action figure, pretended to fellate it and molested SoCal “Butterface” Val – just like all bisexuals do... Anyway, at the end of the match Jeff Jarrett came out and started talking. A silence descended over the crowd like a bored mist. No one gets, or cares, about the squabbles between Sting/Nash and Jarrett. No one knows what is going on, or which side people should care about. Sting is too much of a face to be taken seriously as a heel, and Jarrett has been a heel in TNA for years. As far as I can make out, this seems to be another “the soul of TNA is at stake” angle, this time because of Kevin Nash, or Hulk Hogan’s politics, or Sting feeling deceived, or something. The “the soul of TNA is at stake” angle might be familiar to fans who remember things like the Kings of Wrestling... the Main Event Mafia... the Band... or, erm, the thing from the promo before, i.e. Fourtune... and, erm, EVWo 2.0... are all the major TNA angles the same at the moment? Let’s consider this angle for a moment and ask what would happen if Jarrett turned round to Nash and said “you win” and just walked away? Seriously, what is at stake? Is big granddad Nash going to slowly walk toward people and go through his vast move set? Maybe I’m missing something in the storyline, but as far as I can make out, it makes no fucking sense.

Later on in the show we had the revelation that Abyss must have multiple Janices. There is a brawl between him a Stevie Richard (he must have been struck off for malpractice because he no longer mentions his doctorate) in the car park. This segment is piss poor, but there is a point where Abyss manages to break Janice in two. After a commercial break, Rhino is waiting for Abyss in the ring and Abyss has either managed to do a miraculous repair job on Janice, or he simply has a whole collection of them. Living like some kind of Mormon with multiple women (except planks of wood rather than a genuine polygamist relationship). Clown will probably tell me that this is just a continuity error rather than nonsense, but I don’t care, this show had more holes in than, I dunno, something with a lot of holes in.

This is just a taste of how bad it was. Of late TNA’s story-telling and logic has took a complete nose-dive.

I’ve had enough now. I’m serious; TNA needs to get its shit together, because if there’s no improvement by Bound for Glory, I’m done (except for the live show in January I have tickets for already).

That Clown from Outta Town: iMPACT August 19th 2010

Sorry it's late, I was here:




...so, obviously didn't spend a lot of time watching wrestling.

I see from the blog that there's some kind of tournament for the title now that RVD is dead. I guess all will be revealed during the show...

LET'S DO THIS

1:29 - That must've been pretty cool for the guys that got there early...not so interesting to watch at home though
3:54 - I'm not sure if the blur over Jeff's arse is just in my copy or if everyone is seeing it...it's annoying either way
5:24 - Fuck, it's Bischoff
5:40 - Actually maybe I should give him a chance - there were no shennanigans when he was special ref. Maybe he's turned over a new leaf.
8:03 - 117 stitches? This is going to look dumb when he comes back with no scars.
9:11 - Who is a pirate's favourite wrestler? Arrrrr-VD
10:27 - Rob Terry is in the top 8? What?
11:14 - Terry v Hardy...I'm not hugely optimistic. Hardy will clearly win.
15:03 - Boring match, too short, crappy finish. SURPRISE SURPRISE HARDY GOES THROUGH
16:23 - Hogan is clearly in with Fortune...he just happened to bring ECW into the ring, leave them there alone, and then suddenly Fortune were prepared for a sneak attack?
17:28 - Hogan "He was our whole company, I built the whole company around RVD" FUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUU
18:02 - Match 2. Not optimistic.
18:19 - Well shut my mouth, it's Jay Lethal :)
18:44 - I'd love to see Jay win the TNA title.
18:56 - Ugh, Anderson
21:39 - Everyone chanting for Anderson can eat a dick
24:45 - Anderson wins...is this WWE Rejects Night or something?
25:07 - Does the X-Division actually still exist?
29:44 - It's weird how a single MCMG match is now more interesting than an entire heavyweight title tournament
31:34 - Velvet and Angelina are back together :)
37:02 - I like Fortune a lot more with Douggie than without him
41:31 - FUCK YEAH FOLEY AND SABU IN TNA plus some other dudes
45:00 - AJ v Sabu would be an awesome match
45:59 - Angle's in the tournament? That makes no sense...
46:20 - Angle v Doug could be awesome, if it's not over in 4 minutes.
52:58 - Short match, no drama because Kurt can't lose. This iMPACT is lame.
53:55 - Sting & Nash - shit just got real
54:37 - I miss Red :(
62:59 - Hogan again present for a Fortune beatdown...how fucking obvious can you be
64:14 - Wait, Raven and Dreamer are friends again now? I thought Raven was just pretending to be his friend so that...probably best not to think about it.
65:09 - How the fuck did Morgan get into the knockout tournament? And why are Fortune allowed in the tournament if they're being punished for the attack on ECW? Oh ffs TNA.
65:58 - Pope to win, it's WWE night in TNA
70:07 - All WWE finals. This tournament sucks.
82:24 - Crappy ending to a crappy iMPACT

I think that's the first iMPACT I've seen without a single decent match. Bring back the X-Division ffs.

TNA nonsense watch: The World Title

The way TNA has been with the World Title has infuriated me of late. Not only did the hand the strap to RVD without any sort of build-up, but now they are doing a tournament for the title which has no value whatsoever.

I like tournaments in wrestling, you often get some good matches out of them, but they are weakened by a lack of feud or build-up between competitors. TNA has made some stupid fucking mistakes of late, and the current “tournament” is just an example of this.

Over the past few months, Kurt Angle has been working his way up the TNA rankings, taking on each competitor in the rankings before reaching the number one spot. This was a great angle, built around Kurt’s competitive spirit and a desire to prove he is the best. This alone would have been enough to do an angle which lasts about a year, perhaps with some bumps on the way to add some drama to the proceedings. After a few matches, Angle started to say that he couldn’t stand it if he lost, and would consider retiring if he did. Then, for no reason, all of Angle’s matches came with an attached career stipulation. Because Kurt is one of the biggest draws for TNA, and because he’s said in interviews that he’s going to be sticking around in TNA for at least a year, the angle has lost its drama. I’ve said it before: Kurt Angle matches are always good, but without a sense of drama or anything really being at stake no one gives a fuck.

With RVD’s kayfabe injury, and him being stripped of the title we are now left with a “tournament” to be the new champion. Kurt, it seems, has been made to look like a dick because of this. In keeping with the angle, it would have made more sense for Angle to bow out of the tournament, his reason being that he has not yet worked his way up through the rankings. So we can assume that the angle is over... well not quite: the career stip is still in place. This means that the tournament is pointless, and that the next champion will be Kurt Angle. So like some horny kid, TNA blow their load too soon and make Angle look: A) Like a pussy and B) like a hypocrite.

Of course, the flipside to this is that TNA may have realised that people weren’t buying into the career match angle, and are thus dropping it. Let’s hope that it is the case. But if this is case, why does Kurt need to have the career stip? It makes no sense to me.

We are all sophisticated enough to know how wrestling works for fuck’s sake. Let’s hope TNA never do an angle like this again.

Oh, and no Joe or AJ in the top 8? Nice to see Williams versus Angle though.

Baking Trays & Wrestling: A Combination Drenched in Blood?

I spend a lot of time reading wrestling books. I spend more time reading wrestling books than I do watching actual wrestling. They’re the Mills & Boon of the Mans world. You can put them down mid-sentence and pick them up again a cup of Tea later without losing the tread and they come cheap (I’ve never paid more than £5 on Amazon, including postage). Best of all they’re all formulaic in the extreme. A young boy watches wrestling on Saturday morning, he grows up and trains hard, he works the independent circuit and then comes the big break, either wrestling in Japan in the 80’s or straight into WWE. The comes the downfall, the being forced to dress as a Man-Shark, the drugs and other “Personal Daemons”. Here a lot of wrestlers turn to Jesus, which makes for interesting reading. Shaun Michaels’ autobiography, “Heartbreak & Triumph” he explains how receiving a phone call in Church from Bruce Pritchard was taken as a sign to return to WWE and join The nWo. Makes sense to me, Sexy Boy. To his credit, he doesn’t get preachy about it like a certain Ted Dibiase in “Every Man Has His Price”.

The genius of this is that you can apply this formula to almost any wrestler, add the one thing that makes them different to the other wrestlers and you can shit out another 300 page hardback book. As a rule, given that 90% of WWE biographies are the same, you want to be able to sum up the remaining 10% with one sentence. Kurt Angles “It’s True, It’s True” simply becomes “I won an Olympic gold medal”. Eric Bischoff’s “Controversy Creates Cash”? That just becomes “Damn I’m good, and I made the WCW good to, and getting rd of me is what finished them”. Mick Foley’s “Have A Nice Day: A Tale of Blood & Sweatsocks” becomes “I can write my own book, because I know it all” and “Foley is Good” would have a very similar summary, only the book would come across as if it was written by the anecdote generating manatee that creates Family Guy, (Fitting as by this point Mick Foley was starting to resemble a manatee, despite them being one of the few creatures he had more ears than).
But now I’ve found the WWE book which breaks the mould with stunning results. From all the books I’ve read this one gives you the freshest insight into the mind of a wrestling superstar. It covers many eras, it covers many stars and the photos contain lots of baby oil. It dates back to 2000, before Vince McMahon took a financial kicking from a bunch of panda lovers, and its called “Can You Take The Heat: The WWF is Cooking!”.

Now this is no joke, this book covers the range of stars and gives a more personal insight than you would get sneaking into the shower room. Big Boss Man, the late Ray Taylor has a recipe for you, its for cookies. Despite breaking copyright law by printing the recipe here for free I’m going to tell you his recipe. Step one, buy cookie dough, step two, follow the instructions on the packet! This passes for a recipe!? He deserves to be in a Kennel From Hell match for being that lazy, and that tells you a lot about the guy. No one else sinks this low, only British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith comes close with his patented Green Beans & Garlic (Get green beans, add garlic butter, eat). And now he’s dead.

Fellow Brit William Regal also gives us more insight into his psyche with his recipe, which basically screams he has no self respect. Its Fish & Chips, and his recipe calls for “1/2 cup flat English ale”. Flat ale? In fact, ale? Everyone know you use fresh beer, the bubbles make the batter crispier. This royal road to the Regal sub-conscious tells me he’s a flat kinda’ guy, and that he has no taste.
One more gripe is with the drinks section, Mae Young gets two full pages, covering a total area of over 900 cm2 dedicated to her After-Diner Speciality Coffees. I can tell you in a line. First make coffee, then, for Irish coffee and whiskey, for Kahlúa Coffee add Kahlúa, and for Ameretto Coffee, well, just add Ameretto. She only gets away with it because she’s hot.

But come, this is not all negativity and octogenarianaphillia, this book contains some great things to, and you get to see why the greats get to be greats. The first time I picked up the book I saw the recipe for the “Stomp A Mud Hole In Your Steaks and Ribs Simmering Sauce” courtesy of Stone Cold and man I’m looking forward to cooking it. This is how you prove you’re a champion, this is how you live your character, when someone asks you for a recipe you give them a sauce that’s based on 1 ½ cups of beer and a whole load of chilli sauce. Mind you, I have no idea what a molasses is. His recipe for “Rattlesnake Rib Rub”, its all mustard powder, more chilli and paprika, and it sounds like it tastes nice, but its title sounds like something of the menu in a gay sauna.

J.R. is the most prolific contributor with 12 dishes to his name, he comes across as a dark horse with hidden talents, another reminder that a lot of what makes wrestling great is the people you don’t see in the ring. My big cowboy hat doffs to you J.R! The only section he isn’t in is the Lean ‘N’ Mean Section, which is also the smallest food section (Paul Bearer has a recipe in this section so good it managed to help him get his weight down to a mere 300 lbs). You’d of thought there would be more healthy recipes in this book to get you bulked up, like Aubergine Surprise (The surprise being they’re laced with Somatropin) but Farooq’s Low Fat “Fried” Chicken is a recipy I’ve wanted to crack, and in my book (Which in this case is a wrestling cookbook), an inventive recipe means an inventive wrestler. Vince McMohan also makes it into the healthy section, how else do you get to be the most ripped billionaire in the world? And what do you eat when you’re a billionaire genius? You eat broiled grapefruit, that’s what you do! You actually get a fruit that only tastes good when your hung over and you stick that damn bastard into a broilerator. You don’t get that on Come Dine With Me, but this is no Come Dine With Cookbook filled with losers, this is the WWE cookbook and Vince McMohan is the WWE. Don’t you eat it though, you’re not rich enough .

It’s a gruelling life on the road, every WWE biography will tell you that, so you can understand why some of the recipes are more slovenly than others. But you just read the book and you’ll see the trend of the better the wrestler the better the wrestler, you’ll see what it means to do more with less. Maybe you’ll read the book and think differently, after all, each to their individual taste, and IF X-Pac’s Banana Cream Pie is what you’re into, who am I to judge. Either way, this book is a fun addition to your collection, and despite many recipes being dangerous to your wellbeing it offers a chance for WWE to say here is something you can try at home.

One final word of warning on the book, it seems to be written in foreign, it keeps mentioning things I’ve never heard of like skillet, scallions and broilers, which may be some kind of white fish or cut of pork maybe? You’d have to ask your local butcher.

Matt Dunn's 2 Cents for August 20, 2010

Alright, I will post a few random thoughts. Here goes:

*Skip Sheffield was injured just recently. Bummer. I thought he was one of the stronger members of Nexus. I'm tempted to say Husky Harris should take his place but I don't know. 5 members is a pretty standard number for a stable.

*They really haven't set up much as far as Summerslam goes but hopefully we can see some interaction between Team WWE members. The tension between that team made for great drama.

*I know I'm not the only one who wants to see Daniel Bryan take the US title off of Miz so he can cash in MITB and win the WWE title.

*I think the tag titles look stupid. I would have been fine with them keeping either design.

*I'm glad that they haven't totally abandoned Nexus. Maybe Darren Young will get a new look and go to Smackdown.

*Kane vs Taker again? Well, I'm glad Kane is WHC. Hopefully they can have a one on one HIAC match. They never had one that was one on one.

This is a short edition, I'm sorry. Just a lot on my mind and I don't want to type much.

I'm starting a new forum. Just basically random stuff, wrestling included. I need mods. I need a TON of help. It is "Matt Dunn's Off-Topic Emporium." Any crappers are invited to join.

http://mmdemporium.proboards.com/index.cgi?

Please, come join fellow crappers and everyone else. It'll be a cool place to hang out and just goof off.

Thanks,
Matt Dunn

Review: WWE Summerslam 2010

Coming into Summerslam, there weren’t really any matches which I was particularly excited about seeing. I was interested to see how the Nexsus angle would pan out during this one, but wasn’t particularly excited about seeing Bret Hart in the ring again. Let’s get to it.

The first match was Kofi Kingston versus Dolph Ziggler for the Intercontinental title. The match wasn’t bad, Kofi and Dolph work pretty well together. We had a Suicide Dive from Kofi straight into the guard rail as Ziggle was pulled out of the way by Vicky Guerrero. Kofi hit a shockingly bad Thesz Press, and did some pretty lame spots. Just as Ziggler got Kofi into a sleeper hold, Nexus ran in and the match was over. With Ziggler making a sharp exit, Kofi was left to receive a beat down from the Nexus. Barrett cut a promo over the squirming Kofi, suggesting that this was just a taste of what’s to come.

Rating: **

After the Divas match was the Big Show versus the Straight Edge Society. This match was pretty lame. Show came out and removed the tape from his hands, thus invalidating the injury angle (this guy must heal incredibly fast – scientists should do some research on him). There were some pretty cool spots in the match, there was a double Bulldog on Show at one point (which was described as a double DDT by Michael Cole – it clearly wasn’t a DDT). Punk makes a hasty retreat which allows Show to Choke Slam Mercury onto Gallows for a clean win.

Rating: *½

After a pretty decent promo by the Miz, we have the match between Randy Orton and Sheamus for the WWE Championship. I don’t know why, but I really can’t stand Randy Orton. There are much better in-ring technicians than he, and much better people on the mic... but anyway, the match wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t memorable by any stretch of the imagination. The story of this match was that Sheamus was working on Orton’s right shoulder. There seemed to be a lot of basic moves which were given new names (such as the Celtic Hammer, which is actually just a double Axe Handle), which seemed kind of pointless to me. There was a bit of a confusing spot where Sheamus (apparently) reversed an RKO, even though it looked as though Orton hit it. After getting the Irish Curse (AKA the Celtic Cross, AKA the High Cross, AKA The Razor’s Edge) for the two count; Sheamus picked up a chair and accidently bumped the ref. The ref then called for a DQ and therefore Sheamus keeps the title. With the stipulation that if Orton lost he would be sent to the back of the queue, we have a technical win on Orton’s part, but he doesn’t get the title (yet, no doubt).

Rating: **½

Next up was the World Heavyweight Championship with heavyweight Rey Mysterio versus Kane (why Kane is still holding the strap I’ll never know). I wasn’t feeling this one, and I don’t think that the crowd were either. Kane came down to the ring with a casket even though it wasn’t a casket match. The commentary for this match was piss poor. Striker at one point noted that Rey Mysterio’s “Luche Libreness” had come into play, he also noted that the crowd was so subdued because of the gravity of this match, hmm. Kane got the clean win with a Chokeslam and after the count did a few more Chokeslams and a Tombstone. Kane then the opened the casket to reveal... The Undertaker. Wow, nobody saw that one coming, right? Kane put Taker in a Chokeslam and made him look very weak... but he has been in a vegetative state, right? So, wow, we’re going to have another fucking feud between Kane and Undertaker... for the love of God...

Rating: *½

And onto the main event: Nexus versus Team WWE. I didn’t have high hopes for this one, but I’ve got to admit that it was excellently done. John Cena came out with his new colour scheme (shit, that means my orange Cena t-shirt is now out of date, we’ll have to buy the new ones). With Miz bragging that he was the final member of Team WWE, it was up to Cena to reveal who it was: Bryan Danielson. I did not see this coming, I said only a few days ago that “I think that the Bryan Danielson thing could be good if they bring him back as a babyface” – it seems that that’s what WWE have done; though it seems that WWE have kept Danielson’s ‘slave name’. There were some great spots throughout this one, Danielson dominated from the off getting Darren Young to tap to a Crossface variation in less than a minute. There were chants for we want Bret, which struck me as a bit odd: what the fuck is Bret Hart going to do? This guy’s hurting, he’s had a stroke and it’s just a bit sad to see him make a tit of himself the way he did a few months back at Wrestlemania. Luckily, Bret didn’t look too bad, he probably looked better than his WCW days in all honesty, but he’s not “the best there is” anymore. When Bret came back in a few minutes later, Michael Cole said something along the lines of “Bret Hart’s had some big Summerslam moments in his career, but if Team WWE can pull this off, this will be the biggest”... Are you fucking kidding me? Is this bigger than Wembley? Don’t fucking patronise me, Cole. Bret was DQed for using a chair, and to be honest, I think this was possibly the best that Bret has been booked since his return. He didn’t take any bumps, he kind of looked cool and he was dominant throughout his slot. Jericho got in an awesome Lionsault in on this one, he was a babyface during this one, and it was great. He even brought out his line of “you are a stupid man, you are stupid man to Cena” – this was comic genius, not sure if it was meant to be, but it gets me every time. Danielson came back in and kick some more ass. The Miz came out and hit Danielson with MitB case which knocked Bryan out for the pin. Finally, we had Cena versus Justin Gabriel and Wade Barrett. Cena did his, ahem, Five Knuckle Shuffle. For those not familiar with British idioms, a Five Knuckle Shuffle is the same a wank (masturbation, taking your cock in your hand and pumping it until happy milk pops out of the little guy). Blah blah. Cena ended up getting the STF on Barrett who tapped out (remember that contrary to MMA, tapping out is the worst/most humiliating thing a person can do when one of their limbs is about to be snapped off). Against all the odds, Cena got the win and everyone was happy. “We win, we win” Striker was saying. Lovely stuff.

Rating: ****

On the whole, this was a very well-booked PPV. A few of the matches were pretty shit, but the last match made up for it. There were some surprises (some more expected than others), but most importantly they’ve got Danielson back (hopefully he’ll be jobbing ob Raw this time next week). Necause of the win, Nexus is pretty much done. It would have worked better had they made Cena tap, but hey, it's all soap opera...

Overall: ***

J. Bruiser's Black and Bruised Feature: The Nexus

It isn’t out of the ordinary for the WWE to run a big angle that usually has the fans clamoring. This year is no different as RAW is in the middle of one of their bigger angles of the year. The Nexus, a group of rag tag rookies fed up with the “challenges” they had to endure on season one of NXT have seemingly taken charge of Monday Nights and on a larger scale, the WWE. In my first Black and Bruised Feature, we’re going to examine The Nexus and what works and doesn’t.

What Works:

Presence: You know, I am overly happy with the way this angle has progressed so far. From the beginning, I’ve been wowed by these eight seven rookies who at first appeared like they couldn’t hang with any of the main eventers. But there’s something more interesting about the Nexus seven. Before on NXT, these guys had unique personalities that definitely set them apart from each other. Darren Young was the South Beach party boy who was reluctant yet willing to follow the ways of his pro CM Punk in order to succeed in the business. Skip Sheffield was the fan favorite self imposed “Cornfed Meathead.” David Otunga was the bigger than life A-List celebrity wrestler. What the Nexus has done has stripped these personalities away in place of a more unified, militant cause. Now I’m usually against the whole “scrapping the personality” bit when it comes to pro wrestling, but here I think it works tremendously well. Their solemn expressions just contrast with these guys so much, that it just oozes awesomeness. (Look at Justin Gabriel before he hits the 450 Splash). I mean they’ve even managed to make Heath Slater look evil! Now the fans went from generally not knowing who these guys are to instantly recognizing each and every one of their faces. (And the amount of heel heat these guys generate is uncanny.)

These guys are all fed up with the challenges they had to do on NXT, and they give the vibe that they’re fed up with how the way business is being handled in the WWE. These once bright personalities stand united for a greater cause, and the best part about their presence is we still don’t know exactly what the bigger picture is. All we know is that this bigger picture is apparently important enough to band these seven rookies together to form an unstoppable alliance the likes of which we haven’t seen since the nWo in the WCW days.

Wade Barrett:

Chris Jericho should be happy, since we’re all talking about Barrett MORE! I wanted to reserve a special section for the leader of the Nexus, who has been nothing short of utter brilliance. Of all the Nexus members, Wade Barrett is the most polished, promising athlete. I just love how his winning speech on NXT about the winds of change is the literal battle cry of the movement. And to many new WWE fans in the past decade, Barrett represents something completely fresh. A tall brute of an Englishman gathers a faction and invades our beloved WWE Universe. I might be looking way too much into it, but Barrett has been great here. He certainly knows how to cut a promo and has the ring presence to prove it. The fact that everything that Wade Barrett says seems so much more consequential than it actually is, is always a good thing. Also, he knows how to dominate a ring apron.

Booking Style:

The Nexus easily went from a couple of unknown NXTers to a dominant force to be reckoned with. It couldn’t have worked without them interfering in the RAW brand’s most important matches and typically pounding down anyone they felt was in their way. They have managed to do this without having the beatdowns feel repetitive. Once that they proved that they could take out anyone they wanted, they didn’t have to rely on a large scale beating. This method of booking has been entirely too effective. As a viewer, you get the sense that the Nexus can use their might at any chance that they feel fit, and when they’re around, you get a “Aww Hell!” type of feeling. This has been done so properly that it just feels so right.

The Heroes versus Villains Feel:

Professional wrestling has always been a soap drama meets a comic book type of a deal, and sometimes within the realms of sports entertainment, you tend to forget the entertainment part of wrestling and just go straight for wrestling. (I know as I fan I don’t, but that’s a different entry for a different day.) But the Nexus angle has been successful in creating this great sense of super villains running amuck. Dare I say, it reminds me of the Maximum Carnage Spider-Man arc the folks at Marvel ran in the 90’s. The inner child in me gets giddy every time I tune in for RAW. You always get this impression of urgency between the Nexus and the RAW superstars. I even love the way they’re referred to by other superstars by being this threat to them and the WWE. I’m also loving the fact that the “super heroes” or Team WWE can’t seem to get along with the emphasis of the greater threat. The whole storyline and exchange between these two factions are nothing short of comic book like, and it certainly is fantastically refreshing to see a stable dominate the world, or in this case the WWE Universe.

What Doesn’t Work:

Needs More Tarver

There is something that needs to be said about Michael Tarver. Since his debut on NXT and the showcasing of the rookies, I thought that the guy definitely had the it factor. He could talk, he’s got a good physique, and his look is unique. His showing on Season One of NXT, however, was abysmal at best. He failed at pretty much all of the challenges that he took part in, lost all of his matches with his one win being over the nonexistent Daniel Bryan, and he seemed generally apathetic. But the Nexus angle has most definitely turned everything around. When they started what would be many attacks on John Cena, Michael Tarver was the second rookie to appear in the crowd with that grizzly ski mask and that dour expression. And it absolutely scared me. His voice commands attention and instead of laughing at him, I kinda fear him. The way he makes those googly eyes with the ski mask after a backstage confrontation are downright terrifying I’d have to imagine for a younger audience member. Michael Tarver is another gem of the Nexus seven that absolutely needs to be showcased more, and while we’re on the subject of individual wrestlers…

David “A-List” Otunga

Right off the bad, let me be clear here. I’m not one of those fans or observers who get all hung up in workrate or whatever that nonsense is. I’m a wrestling fan. I’ve been one since I was three years old, and I’m happy to say that it has always been in my blood. Now with that little aside out of the way, let me also say this. David Otunga needs more work. I mean, needs A LOT more work. Pretty much all of his single matches consist of him throwing punches, doing a strange variation of an abdominal stretch, a shoulder block here and there and a weak looking spine buster as a finisher. (This is even MORE problematic considering Vladimir Kozlov is on the same brand and does that very same spine buster with much more impact.) Now don’t get me wrong, I like Otunga. I like his star power, as he just oozes charisma and can easily get the crowd to hate him or love him. The same positive marks cannot be said about his wrestling style, or lack thereof. I certainly don’t think he’s the power of the group considering they have Skip Sheffield who looks like an absolute monster with that murderous looking clothesline. So I’m not sure what he does. But Otunga needs to pick up some more maneuvers so his matches can have some variety in them. And for God’s sake, make that spine buster look tougher. And sure, why don’t I throw in…

No Daniel Bryan!

A lot of fans have been clamoring about Bryan’s firing and where that would leave him in the storyline. And its not hard to see why; Daniel Bryan was certainly something special. I’ve only heard his name brought up a couple of times, (Because apparently, he’s the greatest wrestler in the world) so seeing him on NXT, I was definitely wowed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone move like that since Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit. I just can’t help but feel that Daniel Bryan would have been PERFECT for this storyline, and he would have gotten his true chance to shine. When he screamed “You are not better than me!” at Cena, I was sure that we were going to see the true Daniel Bryan, and possibly a confrontation with The Miz somewhere down the line. It’s a serious shame Daniel Bryan was fired for that whole choking fiasco, really. I’m sure he’ll be back (hopefully), but it sucks not having him apart of the Nexus.

No SmackDown! Attacks?

I’m really confused about this. If it’s a fight for the entire WWE, then why hasn’t the Nexus stepped foot once on the blue brand? It doesn’t seem right to exclude SmackDown! from the Nexus attacks or running amuck though I do sort of see the logic with Teddy Long actually being an authority figure. On RAW, we have no idea if the mystery GM is working behind the scenes with the Nexus (or possibly as the true mastermind!) But they could have taken out Teddy Long at the very least, and created this global cross brand feeling of total anarchy. Don’t tell me they couldn’t get away with it, as they totally decimated Vince McMahon, and he’s the chairman!

Overall, the Nexus angle seems to be moving a full steam ahead. I’m really satisfied with the way everyone has been portrayed here. I understand it’s not exactly easy to run an angle this long without losing steam, but these guys really did this time. I’ll be anxiously awaiting to see what happens next. Will the Nexus continue after tonight? Or will they hang a little longer? I will be attending the 900^th episode of RAW, so hopefully the angle goes until Survivor Series! I’ll give the Nexus angle a A grade!

Promo of the week: "the quintessential stud muffin..."

I don't care what all the smark critics say, I really enjoyed TNA Hardcore Justice. This week's promo of the week award goes to Joel Gertner for his hilarious promo at the aforementioned PPV.

The video's not on YouTube, so I've uploaded it exclusively on here. Enjoy!

That Clown from Outta Town: TNA's Whole Fucking Show

Yeah yeah, technically it's F'N, but I feel like a five year old if I pretend to swear instead of just swearing.

So, not sure what to expect tonight, except the Beer Money v MCMG match will be awesome. The whole series has been great, I was expecting it to get old very quickly but now I kinda wish it was best of nine. I really hope we get a decent finish and no screwjob or controversy or whatever - TNA have an opportunity to completely ruin the entire series, I hope they manage to avoid it.

AJ v Angle should be good, but we know the winner already so it won't be at all gripping or exciting - just a good match.

Kinda interested to see Hardy's mystery opponent - rumours are circulating about it being some WWE reject, but personally I hope it's Joe.

Janice on a pole match will be a car crash.

LET'S DO THIS

00:17 - Hogan's special surprise? THEY SAID NO INTERVIEWS DAMMIT
00:39 - Surprised they're kicking off with AJ v Angle...surely that should be further up the card? Although, if they're hoping to impress people who don't usually watch TNA who are watching this because it's 'PPV Quality', this is a great start to the show.
2:57 - AJ has a new tattoo...of his own name. His modesty is PHENOMENAL
4:30 - AJ is dominating early...
11:00 - Angle wins...no surprises there. The low-blow-into-ankle-lock was pretty cool though.
11:32 - Knockouts...fast forwarding.
16:58 - The mystery woman was nearly revealed, you saw the bottom half of her face...it looked like it might be Roxxi?
18:25 - The Anderson/Pope/Morgan 3-way. Could be ok, I don't have high hopes though.
20:23 - Anderson's promos are very rarely funny. I get the impression that when they are good, it's more a case of 'if you throw enough shit at a wall, some of it will stick' rather than any real talent imo. Rock wannabe.
24:42 - Morgan outsmarted them both...I don't think anybody saw that coming.
25:22 - Hardy v ??? (PLEASE BE JOE)
26:30 - Shannon Moore? FFS
27:14 - Worst mystery opponent ever...I feel cheated and this show is free to air.
34:16 - Hardy wins. A few nice moves, but it still feels like a disappointment.
34:54 - It's time. Tag title match. Please don't fuck this up, TNA.
37:17 - 2/3 falls match :)
38:25 - Off to a great start
44:23 - Holy shit, simultaneous suicide dive and top rope cross body to the floor...awesome
46:01 - Beer Money get the first fall
47:15 - MCMG tie it up
48:09 - Holy shit, Roode going over the top rope...don't see that very often
49:00 - "Match of the year" chant :)
51:46 - How the shit did Storm kick out...thought it was all over
52:39 - Holy shit, what a stunner
53:22 - Storm kicks out of death again...this match is awesome
53:51 - And it's over...MCMG retain. Awesome end to an awesome series.
55:15 - They keep mentioning Hogan's surprise, when it's the least interesting thing on the entire card.
55:50 - Bischoff special ref. I have a bad feeling about this.
59:42 - I'd love to see a Van Terminator tonight. Van Terminator into Janice.
62:24 - Match is decent so far...best RVD match in TNA (not including Sabu)
64:05 - Think Abyss is going for thumbtacks :D
64:25 - Thumbtacks and glass :) There was some barbed wire down there too...
66:35 - And here comes the barbed wire board...barbed wire on its own is way more hardcore than the board...the barbed wire crossface from Hardcore Justice was awesome
67:57 - Ok, that was actually pretty extreme
68:40 - RVD just went to the floor from the top of the ladder, face first into another ladder...I'm sure it was intentional, but it looked fucking nasty
69:30 - Abyss gets Janice...I bet nobody gets hit with it. Again.
71:56 - Holy Christ, Van Terminator into the barbed wire board...it's gotta be over
72:32 - It's over RVD wins. I'm (pleasantly) surprised that there were no shenanigans, what with Bischoff being there and all.
76:18 - SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET TO THE POINT HOGAN
83:29 - Abyss actually killed RVD with Janice

Not a bad iMPACT, there were a couple of good matches. Beer Money v MCMG was match of the night again, RVD actually had an awesome match for once, Bischoff didn't ruin the match...AJ v Angle was good but not as good as it could have been, and the Hardy match wasn't great. The 3-way was kinda boring, but it had a funny ending.

Now I'm going to have to watch the after-show show to find out what happened to RVD...

EDIT: After a bit of checking, the mystery biker is Tara :(

TNA: The whole F'ing Show - predictions revisited.

A few days ago I made my predictions for The Whole F’ing Show. Let’s see how I did:

Kurt Angle vs AJ Styles
“With the career stip, this match is pointless. I don’t care, this angle would have been much better had Angle worked through the ranks, had a few bumps along the way. I’ve said it before, they’re just a bunch of elaborate squash matches. Angle to win.”

I enjoyed this match, AJ and Angle always put on a great match together. But because of the career stip on all of Angle’s matches the result was obvious and therefore there was no drama. This could have been an awesome angle if they had done it right, idiots.
I’d give this match **** if it were not for the fact that all of these matches are positions for an Angle win, therefore: ***.
That’s 1/1 on the predictions...

Madison Rayne vs Angelina Love Knockout's Title
“If it’s not Angelina I’ll be pissed. Rayne is shit. I assume that TNA will swerve revealing the mysterious biker, though I’m pretty convinced it’s either Tara or Alyssa Flash (I would prefer the latter, that bitch is mean).”

Talk about being on the money. We got Angelina for the win and TNA swerved revealing the biker (though the crowd were chanting ‘Tara’ when she arrived).
**½, not a bad match, but the biker angle is starting to wear a bit thin.
2/2

Mr. Anderson vs Matt Morgan vs The Pope
“Pope really needs the win here, but this is TNA so I’m gonna go with Matt Morgan.”

Pope really needed this win, but because it’s TNA the winner was fan *ahem* favourite, Matt Morgan. The build-up to this match sucked, the match was pretty poor and the winner just struck me as retarded.
**
3/3 woop woop!

Jeff Hardy's Open Challenge
“I think that this will probably be either the debut of an ex-WWEer such as Shelton Benjamin, or more likely (this is TNA remember) they’ll get some crap undercard guy, maybe Shannon Moore or Suicide. Either way, Jeff to win.”

For fuck’s sake, I was joking about Shannon Moore. That was my nomination for worst case scenario. Let’s step back and look at this. I’m going to cut and paste the roster from Wikipedia and leave the ones who could have done this instead of Moore.


Amazing Red
Brian Kendrick
Desmond Wolfe
Douglas illiams
Eric Young
Hernandez
Homicide
y Lethal
Jeremy Buck
Jesse Neal
Kazarian
Kevin Nash
Magnus
Max Buck
Orlando Jordan
Rob Terry
Samoa Joe
Shark Boy
Sting
Suicide


Looking at the list, the only people who I’d rather see Shannon Moore versus Hardy more than is Rob Terroid, Kevin Nash and maybe Orlando Jordan... No wonder they didn’t reveal it beforehand, no one would have watched it.
Piss poor match, loads of their spots looked really contrived, they were out of time, and they just weren’t very convincing. Still, at least I was right about Jeff Hardy winning.
*
4/4

MCMG versus Beer Money
“Guns have got to win this and I think it will be one of the best matches of the night, if not the year.”

I was right, this was an excellent match and the the Guns retained the strap. This match proved why the Briscoes and the Kings of Wrestling need to go to TNA: TNA do tag-team better than anyone else at the moment.
****½
5/5 – holy shitting Christ, almost a full house... let’s see how I do in the main event.


Rob Van Dam vs Abyss Stairway To Janice Match for the TNA Heavyweight Title
“This match will be shit and RVD will hold on to the strap.”
Wow, TNA perhaps made the most obviously booked PPV (though not really a PPV) ever! This match was shit and RVD kept the strap and there was absolutely no point in Bischoff being ref...
**
6/6 – bang bang! I am Vince Russo!

The ending to The Whole F’ing Show looked pretty promising, with what can only be described as a reverse-invasion angle. Fortune plus Doug Williams and Morgan came in the ring and went to town on the old ECW guys. When I was watching the promo with Dreamer, my mate was saying, “switch it off, this is shit, or at least fast forward” – then the lights went out... “Sting? Sandman?” I’ll admit, this took me by surprise and was pretty entertaining. Hopefully RVD’s injuries are so serious that he will never be in TNA again, hopefully Sabu will stick around and kick some ass (though I didn’t like the fact he ‘broke character’ to do a promo).

Overall, this was an entertaining show. The Angle/AJ and Beer Money/MCMG stopped it from being shit.

*** overall

Next: Summerslam....

Greatest Matches: Davey Richard versus Eddie Edwards (ROH 26th April, 2010)

Though ROH's TV show can be pretty inconsistant, when they put on a good match, you know it's a classic. One such match was for the ROH TV title from back in April between Davey Richards (who has had an excellent year) and Eddie Edwards.

Enjoy!

Review: TNA Xplosion 4th August

I’ve enjoyed TNA Xplosion over the past few weeks; there have been some pretty decent matches. Over the past few weeks we’ve seen the return of Homicide, Suicide (who has lost about 60 pounds and shrunk a few inches since he was last on Impact) and Amazing Red (back in his old ring-gear, I might add). There’s also been some matches with Generation Me and the new tag team of Wolfe and Magnus.

In the latest episode we have the first two matches for the tag-team title number one contendership. First, we have a promo with Hernandez and Rob Terroid who have been pushed together as some kind of powerhouse tag team. What I found a little odd is that Herndandez was illustrating his tag team credentials by going on about LAX, and what great chemistry they had (why the fuck are TNA not putting them back together?) In his way, Hernandez cuts a pretty decent promo, but when the mic was passed to Terroid and you had his Welsh drawl saying he would give Magnus and Wolfe the beating of their lives, you realise how green Big Rob is.

Next up we had Socko’s own promo of the week with Magnus, Wolfe and his white slave Chelsea (I wish they’d either do something with the storyline or just get rid of her.) This was pretty amusing promo and you can watch it in my previous post. My favourite part of the promo has to be Chelsea acting like she’s uncomfortable: she looks like she’s trying not to fart.

With promo number two over, we cut to another promo, this time with Ink Inc., the tag team named after countless tattoo shops throughout the world. People at TNA should do a little bit of work on licensing, idiots. Anyway, if anyone is interested in what a contradiction is , then this is the promo to watch. Shannon Moore talks about how they both think outside of the box and are individuals and unique, whist both members simultaneously adopt all the signifiers of ‘rebellion’: the Mohawk (that haircut that’s been the individual’s choice of haircut for the past 30 years, very outside of the box), tattoos and leather jackets. I bet they ride around on motorcycles and listen to rock music as well. The rebellious sods. And then, if you weren’t promo’d out enough. Gen Me give a pretty poor promo about taking out Ink Inc. Yawn.

After almost ten minutes, the first match begins. Herndandoid versus the Wankers (at least that’s what I think they should be called). On announcing Rob Terry, we hear SoCal Val botching her lines, almost announcing him as the Global Champion, haha! The match started off pretty slow with Terroid doing a few power moves on Wolfe. Wolfe is made to look like a complete tit, as he’s trying arm-based submissions with Terroid not even flinching. With Hernandez and Magnus being tagged in, the pace picks up a bit, but only a bit. The match went on like this and the Wankers won using the traditional heel cheat ending.

Next up was Ink Inc. versus Gen Me. This was pretty much as I expected it to be some very fluid moves, some innovations by Gen Me, some great double team and aerial moves. Jesse Neal is really starting to get into the groove, I never used to rate him, but tagging with Moore he’s starting to show some potential. Ink Inc. got the pin with the Boregasm. A pretty good match in all.

So next week is the finals, I predict Ink Inc. will get the number one contendership, but we shall see. Would actually be nice to Magnus and Wolfe win some matches and actually do something on Impact.

TNA Whole F'ing Show: Predictions

Alright, as most of the Hardcore Justice card was a mystery until the event, I couldn't do my usual set of predictions. Here are my predictions for what would have been Hard Justice, AKA the Whole F'ing Show.

MCMG versus Beer Money
Guns have got to win this and I think it will be one of the best matches of the night, if not the year.

Mr. Anderson vs Matt Morgan vs The Pope
Pope really needs the win here, but this is TNA so I’m gonna go with Matt Morgan.

Jeff Hardy's Open Challenge
I think that this will probably be either the debut of an ex-WWEer such as Shelton Benjamin, or more likely (this is TNA remember) they’ll get some crap undercard guy, maybe Shannon Moore or Suicide. Either way, Jeff to win.

Madison Rayne vs Angelina Love Knockout's Title
If it’s not Angelina I’ll be pissed. Rayne is shit. I assume that TNA will swerve revealing the mysterious biker, though I’m pretty convinced it’s either Tara or Alyssa Flash (I would prefer the latter, that bitch is mean).

Kurt Angle vs AJ Styles
With the career stip, this match is pointless. I don’t care, this angle would have been much better had Angle worked through the ranks, had a few bumps along the way. I’ve said it before, they’re just a bunch of elaborate squash matches. Angle to win.

Rob Van Dam vs Abyss Stairway To Janice Match for the TNA Heavyweight Title
This match will be shit and RVD will hold on to the strap.

Review: TNA Hardcore Justice

I had my doubts; I thought that Hardcore Justice was probably going to be a Botchamania special. I thought you’d have a bunch of washed-up guys trying to recapture something that had long evaporated... but shit me, I was wrong.

I was never into ECW in the 90s. I was introduced to it by Socko writer That Clown from Outta Town in October 2000. We had some crazy times back then, and watching this PPV brought back a lot of long forgotten memories of kicking the shit with a great friend. Back then I firmly believed that wrestling was fake... all of it. I believed that it was all bullshit, but then Clown played me some of his ECW tapes. Crazy shit with Sandman, Rhino and Kid Kash stick in my head. I’d never seen anything like it – it opened my eyes. Clown’s room smelt of wet dog, we made bongs out of Pringles tubes, ate our bodyweights in microwave popcorn, debated whether Fred Durst was a complete cunt or an absolute cunt, lived days by the whim of a dice-roll and played the Brake Fast Bends level on Micro Machines until our thumbs bled. Fuck, we didn’t know how lucky we were to have that time on our hands. This PPV was meant to be a piece of nostalgia, and God damn it, it worked.

With the event opening we had ECW, sorry, EV2.0 (?!) announcer Stephen DeAngelis introduce the human suplex machine Taz – this guy can still wrestle on the mic, let me tell thee.

We’re living in an age when history is someone’s intellectual property. Can you imagine if Germany were to sue Britain every time someone mentioned Adolph Hitler or the Nazi Party? Or maybe if the French sued whenever the word Napoleon came up on a history show? ECW occurred, and it is part of history... the changing of names, and letters is so fucking redundant... but I digress...

So the first match was a six-man tag match: Full Blooded Italians versus Kid Kash, Johnny Swinger & Simon Diamond. This was pretty entertaining, it had a dance off in the middle, but at least the crowd were chanting ‘where’s my pizza’. Tracy Smothers looked incredibly droopy. If you can imagine a latter-day Terry Funk being sucked into a vertical wind tunnel, you might just get the look. Simon Diamond has also, ahem, put on a few pounds – even Taz remarked that he’d been ‘blown up’. The match wasn’t great, but it was entertaining. The dance off confused the fuck out of me, but Kid Kash did a crazy-ass dive onto the floor and Guido got the win with a Killswitch (I’m pretty sure it was, there was some debate).

Next up we had some crazy-ass promo with some old ECW people who couldn’t be arsed to be there. One such person was the Blue Meanie, who for some reason, they replaced in the actual show with some random fat guy. What the fuck? The backstage sequence with the (semi-fake) bWo and Al Snow saying "You can't even use the shirts! We're so sued..." nearly made me poo my pants off.

The we had some bullshit ‘I remember’ segments from TNA stars who were, like, totally into ECW, but never really got to see it, because they were, like, five years old. Saying that, knowing that Madison Rayne and Angelina Love really liked ECW gives me a nice warm feeling... Rayne was thirteen when ECW folded...

The second match of the night was CW Anderson versus Too Cold Scorpio. I’ll be honest, I have no fucking idea who CW Anderson was or is... I’m sure Clown will enlighten me (maybe even mark out) but I really didn’t know/remember this guy at all. He looked something like Arn/Mr/Ole Anderson, but that was it... Scorpio botched a few spots, but the match was pretty decent. A couple of superkicks and a moonsault-legdrop combo by Scorpio for the win. Not a bad match, but not great... still better than what WWE are doing these days.

Next up was Stevie Richards (accompanied by the fake Blue Meanie and Hollywood Nova) versus Justin Credible. This match took a bit to get going, but we did get Richards posting Justin... ouch! There’s a few suplexes, a few powerbombs, nothing too extreme. Then Stevie comes out with ‘enough of this shit’ and gets a Steviekick in for the win. Richards and Credible were out of sync throughout and the match was nothing to write home about. After losing, Credible started hitting Stevie with a kendo stick. In true Sting fashion, the lights went out and came back on to reveal the Sandman with a cane.

Back in the day there is no fucking way that the next match would been on a PPV: Spike Dudley versus Al Snow (with Head) versus Rhino in a three-way dance. Earlier on Snow had made some comments to (Doctor) Stevie Richards, asking if he knew a therapist, hilarious stuff. All I could think throughout this match was about how shit Al Snow is and how he’s the butt of every other joke in Foley’s first autobiography. The match itself was pretty shit, luckily it only lasted about 6 minutes. A lot of brawling, a nice Sliced Bread by Spike and Rhino got the win with a Gore.

Next up was Balls Mahoney & Axl Rotten versus Team 3D. 3D were accompanied to the ring by Joel Gertner who probably got the biggest crowd reaction of the night with his poetic reference to Lady Gaga. Funny shit. With the Dudley’s back in their old ring-gear they declared that it would be a street fight (I thought this was already meant to be extreme?) Most of this match was pretty poor, throughout most of it they had this fucking annoying split-screen thing going on. Directors take note: split screen is shit. In fact, not only was the split screen shit, the graphics for the whole show looked really amateurish. Once the match went to one screen it was pretty funny. There was a hilarious bit with toy light sabres which I am sure smark fans will hate, but I thought it was hilarious. The match culminated with the Dudley’s doing a Wassup Drop to get the pin. They then get a table, set it on fire and Powerbomb Balls through it. Classic Dudleys. On the whole, this was a bad match which was saved by a lot of old school references, comedy bits and after the match... New Jack! The Gangstas came in and interrupted 3D’s celebration with an impromptu match. Bins, staple guns, hockey sticks, and crutches all came into play. Gertner got smacked by a guitar... then there’s a stare-down... and a hug. How lovely.

Next up was Tommy Dreamer versus Raven with Mick Foley as special referee. This was a long match (about 17 minutes). In the most part, it wasn’t great but there were some awesome moments, mainly to do with creative use of barbed-wire: a cross-face using the stuff and Mr Socko wrapped in the stuff (even though Socko never appeared in ECW). Holy shit, there was some juice flowing in this one. The match ended with Raven getting the win with his Raven Effect DDT onto a chair.

There was a backstage vignette with the Gangstas, JB and SoCal Val. Mustafa grabbed Val by the hair and drags her off screen, what the fuck? Is the insinuation rape here? Is this what ECW was about. New Jack then scares JB. Pretty lame.

Finally, we have the main event RVD (with Fonzie) versus Sabu (with Fonzie). Sabu was bald and looked a bit like a Victorian strong-man, very odd. I have to say I really enjoyed this match, though I think Fonzie put on the best performances of the night, this guy’s great. The match was pretty much a best of Sabu versus RVD with them doing all of their best spots. Arabian Facebuster, Rolling Thunder with a steel chair, Van Assassin, and crazy dives over the guard rail were all in here. It was a bit sloppy around the edges, but the fact that these two guys can go like this says a lot. I was also reminded how good RVD can be when he can be arsed. RVD won with the Five Star Frog Splash and they hugged at the end.

At the end Dreamer and the rest of the ECW guys came out to thank the crowd (Dreamer now sporting a rather nasty looking black-eye). Dixie was brought into the ring and it was all lovely. Then the chants of ‘fuck you Vince’ finished it off nicely.

Joel Gertner and Fonzie proved something which I have thought for a good while: there are no decent wrestling managers anymore. TNA need some good managers to big up wrestlers who might not be the best on the mic but are awesome in the ring. This was attempted with Amazing Red and Dom West, but Red was pushed aside, ooh, around January time.

So, it didn’t quite look right being in the Impact Zone, and didn’t sound without Joey Styles on the announce table, and TNA couldn’t use the letters ECW in the order I’ve just written them, oh, and some of the names were a bit wrong... but fuck it, it was it was, and they put on a great show. Smarks will no doubt piss all over this because from a pure wrestling standpoint they weren’t great matches, but that wasn’t the fucking point. E C fuckin’ W.