Baking Trays & Wrestling: A Combination Drenched in Blood?

I spend a lot of time reading wrestling books. I spend more time reading wrestling books than I do watching actual wrestling. They’re the Mills & Boon of the Mans world. You can put them down mid-sentence and pick them up again a cup of Tea later without losing the tread and they come cheap (I’ve never paid more than £5 on Amazon, including postage). Best of all they’re all formulaic in the extreme. A young boy watches wrestling on Saturday morning, he grows up and trains hard, he works the independent circuit and then comes the big break, either wrestling in Japan in the 80’s or straight into WWE. The comes the downfall, the being forced to dress as a Man-Shark, the drugs and other “Personal Daemons”. Here a lot of wrestlers turn to Jesus, which makes for interesting reading. Shaun Michaels’ autobiography, “Heartbreak & Triumph” he explains how receiving a phone call in Church from Bruce Pritchard was taken as a sign to return to WWE and join The nWo. Makes sense to me, Sexy Boy. To his credit, he doesn’t get preachy about it like a certain Ted Dibiase in “Every Man Has His Price”.

The genius of this is that you can apply this formula to almost any wrestler, add the one thing that makes them different to the other wrestlers and you can shit out another 300 page hardback book. As a rule, given that 90% of WWE biographies are the same, you want to be able to sum up the remaining 10% with one sentence. Kurt Angles “It’s True, It’s True” simply becomes “I won an Olympic gold medal”. Eric Bischoff’s “Controversy Creates Cash”? That just becomes “Damn I’m good, and I made the WCW good to, and getting rd of me is what finished them”. Mick Foley’s “Have A Nice Day: A Tale of Blood & Sweatsocks” becomes “I can write my own book, because I know it all” and “Foley is Good” would have a very similar summary, only the book would come across as if it was written by the anecdote generating manatee that creates Family Guy, (Fitting as by this point Mick Foley was starting to resemble a manatee, despite them being one of the few creatures he had more ears than).
But now I’ve found the WWE book which breaks the mould with stunning results. From all the books I’ve read this one gives you the freshest insight into the mind of a wrestling superstar. It covers many eras, it covers many stars and the photos contain lots of baby oil. It dates back to 2000, before Vince McMahon took a financial kicking from a bunch of panda lovers, and its called “Can You Take The Heat: The WWF is Cooking!”.

Now this is no joke, this book covers the range of stars and gives a more personal insight than you would get sneaking into the shower room. Big Boss Man, the late Ray Taylor has a recipe for you, its for cookies. Despite breaking copyright law by printing the recipe here for free I’m going to tell you his recipe. Step one, buy cookie dough, step two, follow the instructions on the packet! This passes for a recipe!? He deserves to be in a Kennel From Hell match for being that lazy, and that tells you a lot about the guy. No one else sinks this low, only British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith comes close with his patented Green Beans & Garlic (Get green beans, add garlic butter, eat). And now he’s dead.

Fellow Brit William Regal also gives us more insight into his psyche with his recipe, which basically screams he has no self respect. Its Fish & Chips, and his recipe calls for “1/2 cup flat English ale”. Flat ale? In fact, ale? Everyone know you use fresh beer, the bubbles make the batter crispier. This royal road to the Regal sub-conscious tells me he’s a flat kinda’ guy, and that he has no taste.
One more gripe is with the drinks section, Mae Young gets two full pages, covering a total area of over 900 cm2 dedicated to her After-Diner Speciality Coffees. I can tell you in a line. First make coffee, then, for Irish coffee and whiskey, for Kahlúa Coffee add Kahlúa, and for Ameretto Coffee, well, just add Ameretto. She only gets away with it because she’s hot.

But come, this is not all negativity and octogenarianaphillia, this book contains some great things to, and you get to see why the greats get to be greats. The first time I picked up the book I saw the recipe for the “Stomp A Mud Hole In Your Steaks and Ribs Simmering Sauce” courtesy of Stone Cold and man I’m looking forward to cooking it. This is how you prove you’re a champion, this is how you live your character, when someone asks you for a recipe you give them a sauce that’s based on 1 ½ cups of beer and a whole load of chilli sauce. Mind you, I have no idea what a molasses is. His recipe for “Rattlesnake Rib Rub”, its all mustard powder, more chilli and paprika, and it sounds like it tastes nice, but its title sounds like something of the menu in a gay sauna.

J.R. is the most prolific contributor with 12 dishes to his name, he comes across as a dark horse with hidden talents, another reminder that a lot of what makes wrestling great is the people you don’t see in the ring. My big cowboy hat doffs to you J.R! The only section he isn’t in is the Lean ‘N’ Mean Section, which is also the smallest food section (Paul Bearer has a recipe in this section so good it managed to help him get his weight down to a mere 300 lbs). You’d of thought there would be more healthy recipes in this book to get you bulked up, like Aubergine Surprise (The surprise being they’re laced with Somatropin) but Farooq’s Low Fat “Fried” Chicken is a recipy I’ve wanted to crack, and in my book (Which in this case is a wrestling cookbook), an inventive recipe means an inventive wrestler. Vince McMohan also makes it into the healthy section, how else do you get to be the most ripped billionaire in the world? And what do you eat when you’re a billionaire genius? You eat broiled grapefruit, that’s what you do! You actually get a fruit that only tastes good when your hung over and you stick that damn bastard into a broilerator. You don’t get that on Come Dine With Me, but this is no Come Dine With Cookbook filled with losers, this is the WWE cookbook and Vince McMohan is the WWE. Don’t you eat it though, you’re not rich enough .

It’s a gruelling life on the road, every WWE biography will tell you that, so you can understand why some of the recipes are more slovenly than others. But you just read the book and you’ll see the trend of the better the wrestler the better the wrestler, you’ll see what it means to do more with less. Maybe you’ll read the book and think differently, after all, each to their individual taste, and IF X-Pac’s Banana Cream Pie is what you’re into, who am I to judge. Either way, this book is a fun addition to your collection, and despite many recipes being dangerous to your wellbeing it offers a chance for WWE to say here is something you can try at home.

One final word of warning on the book, it seems to be written in foreign, it keeps mentioning things I’ve never heard of like skillet, scallions and broilers, which may be some kind of white fish or cut of pork maybe? You’d have to ask your local butcher.