TNA nonsense watch

TNA is now officially fucking retarded. This week’s Impact was possibly the worst Impact I have ever seen. This whole show deserves to be included in our latest TNA nonsense watch.

I’ve stopped reviewing TNA because I like Clown’s take so much, but damn it, I need to get this off my chest. I cannot believe how bad TNA has been this week. Remember that TNA is a taped show, it’s not live. TNA management chose to air this shit. Let’s see what went wrong:

Before the show kicked off, we had a package with Ric Flair talking about Fourtune – Ric Flair’s rehash of the Four Horsemen, only with six fucking members (surely it should be called Sixtune?) Indeed, the accompanying graphic package for a later match with Beer Money had lots of number fours bobbing around. It’s even spelt Fourtune. The Four Horsemen with six guys? Really? What the fuck? If you’re going to redo the Four Horsemen, have four of them.

The show opened with Dixie Carter coming to the ring, this is not a good sign. Why they’ve made her a character is beyond me. So, she calls Ric out, holding him “personally responsible” for Abyss attacking RVD. How this is so I have no fucking clue. She proceeds to suspend Ric for 90 days. As President of the company, it is perfectly within her power and right to do this. Flair tells Dixies that Fourtune are going to take over TNA (wow, it’s like that nWo/MEM/Nexus angle hasn’t been done before). Fourtune come out and look as though they are going to beat up Dixie. Luckily Serge dives into the ring to take a beating instead. I know what you’re saying: “No not Serge, you bastards, not Serge!”... of course you’re not saying that, and nobody is saying that because nobody knows who the fuck Serge is. Essentially they want to put over a group of guys as the new bad asses in town by, erm, attacking someone that no one has seen in TNA before. This guy could be anyone, and I am sure that the live audience who wouldn’t have had Taz telling us that he’s Dixie Carter’s husband were 50 times more confused than the people watching at home. Who knew there was a Serge? Who gives a fuck if he gets beaten? This is complete bullshit... But wait, it gets worse. By this point Dixie has made a swift exit, leaving her husband to get beat by Sixtune, and who should enter but Hulk Hogan (accompanied by Angle, Anderson, Pope and Hardy). “Thank God for Hulk Hogan” were the genuine words that left Tenay’s mouth at that point. He reminded me of the way Jerry Lawler creams his boxers every time John Cena turns up for work. I was expecting Hogan to rush in and take out each member of Fourtune with one punch, but luckily that didn’t happen. Instead, we were treated to Hogan “overriding” Dixie’s decision to suspend Flair. So what? Is Hogan the President now? What the fuck? Hogan explains: “I made a deal with Dixie Carter, dude, to run this company 50/50, brother” – so I’m paraphrasing, but that was the essence: a 50/50 relationship. 50 doesn’t have a majority over 50, 50% doesn’t give you more control that another 50%. WHAT THE FUCK? Either Dixie’s the President or she’s not. This is complete and utter nonsense. If that was not bad enough, with Flair declaring that Fourtune are going to take over the company, the Fatal Four (that’s Hardy, Angle, Anderson and Pope (four babyfaces who are currently in a tournament against each other for the World Championship, the most coveted title in sports entertainment, I might add)) are going to give “the keys of the company back to Dixie”. Now I hate to use logic on this, but lets look at what’s going on here: Dixie came out and took control of her company, Hogan overrode her, Hogan wants Dixie to take back control of the company. There’s a beautiful circularity in this which if considered for too long and by too many people could actually rip the very fabric of space and time.

Then it went stupider. Joe was put in a match with Orlando Jordan, a guy whose gimmick seems to have gone from “a bisexual” to a dirty fucking rapist sex offender. I’m not going to deconstruct how terrible the Jordan gimmick is here (Clown did that perfectly a few months back), but the match was just pointless. Jordan came to the ring with a Samoa Joe action figure, pretended to fellate it and molested SoCal “Butterface” Val – just like all bisexuals do... Anyway, at the end of the match Jeff Jarrett came out and started talking. A silence descended over the crowd like a bored mist. No one gets, or cares, about the squabbles between Sting/Nash and Jarrett. No one knows what is going on, or which side people should care about. Sting is too much of a face to be taken seriously as a heel, and Jarrett has been a heel in TNA for years. As far as I can make out, this seems to be another “the soul of TNA is at stake” angle, this time because of Kevin Nash, or Hulk Hogan’s politics, or Sting feeling deceived, or something. The “the soul of TNA is at stake” angle might be familiar to fans who remember things like the Kings of Wrestling... the Main Event Mafia... the Band... or, erm, the thing from the promo before, i.e. Fourtune... and, erm, EVWo 2.0... are all the major TNA angles the same at the moment? Let’s consider this angle for a moment and ask what would happen if Jarrett turned round to Nash and said “you win” and just walked away? Seriously, what is at stake? Is big granddad Nash going to slowly walk toward people and go through his vast move set? Maybe I’m missing something in the storyline, but as far as I can make out, it makes no fucking sense.

Later on in the show we had the revelation that Abyss must have multiple Janices. There is a brawl between him a Stevie Richard (he must have been struck off for malpractice because he no longer mentions his doctorate) in the car park. This segment is piss poor, but there is a point where Abyss manages to break Janice in two. After a commercial break, Rhino is waiting for Abyss in the ring and Abyss has either managed to do a miraculous repair job on Janice, or he simply has a whole collection of them. Living like some kind of Mormon with multiple women (except planks of wood rather than a genuine polygamist relationship). Clown will probably tell me that this is just a continuity error rather than nonsense, but I don’t care, this show had more holes in than, I dunno, something with a lot of holes in.

This is just a taste of how bad it was. Of late TNA’s story-telling and logic has took a complete nose-dive.

I’ve had enough now. I’m serious; TNA needs to get its shit together, because if there’s no improvement by Bound for Glory, I’m done (except for the live show in January I have tickets for already).