Serious Clown is Serious - Orlando Jordan

I realise that writing a deadly serious article about pro wrestling is on roughly the same level as getting into an argument in a Youtube video’s comments section, but the internet’s out and I have some time to kill. Bear in mind that this was written before I saw Sacrifice, so if something drastic happened there this article won’t reflect that.

The other day, I posted my predictions for TNA’s Sacrifice 2010 PPV. Afterwards, I was curious if any other fans had done the same, and whether my predictions matched up with theirs. So I’m on Youtube (happy 5th birthday, btw…where has the time gone??) checking out a few prediction videos, and I notice a trend - absolutely nobody likes Orlando Jordan. He’s the only universally hated wrestler in TNA. Why is this? Most people don’t mention their reasons, but one guy had this to say on his match with Rob Terry¹: “I really don’t care, I just hope it’s over quickly. I don’t want to watch that gay…actually, you know what, I’m not even going into it, because I know what the reaction will be”. Another (infinitely more eloquent) commentator noted “I don’t want that fag shit on my TV”.

Now, skipping a match because the wrestlers involved are boring or untalented is understandable. I regularly skip the Knockouts division for that exact reason, and I don’t watch WWE at all. But wanting a match pulled from a PPV just because you don’t like one of the wrestlers’ lifestyle seems strange to me. Alcoholics and smokers don’t skip CM Punk. Non-stoners don’t skip RVD. So why would you skip an Orlando Jordan match just because you’re straight?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like his gimmick. But a bad gimmick doesn’t make someone a bad wrestler. I can’t comment on Jordan’s abilities in the ring² because I’ve only seen 3 of his matches, none of which showed his full abilities. He certainly seems to have the potential to be a decent wrestler from what I’ve seen, I need to see a proper match to really make my mind up though.

The problem I have with his gimmick is, they’re aiming at ‘bisexual’, but what they’ve actually achieved is ‘circus freak’. At my last job, I had a number of openly gay colleagues. They came into work, did their job and went home again - just like everyone else. They didn’t wear outrageous costumes that made them look like they were on their way to a gay rights parade, they didn’t aggressively pursue male co-workers they knew to be straight, they certainly didn’t spray cream all over their faces and chests like the money shot from a porn movie and dip strawberries in it. They were all just normal people. Some guys were hugely into Star Wars, some guys were into LOTR, one guy was so into Dr Who he built a TARDIS around his desk, and some guys were into cock. It’s just their thing. Me, I’m 28 and I like pro wrestling, so who the fuck am I to criticise someone else’s idea of how to have a good time?

Orlando Jordan is so far removed from actual gay people it’s a joke. It’s so far removed, it’s like comparing Cryme Time (or however you spell it) to Moira Stewart. It’s a grotesque caricature of a ridiculous stereotype of the most extreme gay people at events where they are specifically trying to shock people and emphasise their gayness. It represents gay people about as well as Obama would have represented black people by opening his Inaugural Address with “What’s up my niggaaaaaaas! Hold the fuck up, I’m just gonna pour out a 40 for my fallen homies right here on the stage, motherfuckers…”

I’ve got no problem with gay characters in fiction. One of my favourite characters of all time is Omar from The Wire, who is like a modern day Robin Hood who robs drug lords and gives the take to the impoverished addicts in his community. He also happens to be gay. His sexuality didn’t make me like him any less; in fact it made the character more interesting. At one point, one of the drug lords puts a bounty on his head as revenge for a robbery, then doubles the bounty when he finds out he’s gay. The same drug lord tortures his boyfriend to death to try and get him to give up Omar’s location, which adds fuel to the feud between the two.

Another great example is Apollo and Midnighter from the superhero comic The Authority. Apollo is on a similar power level to Superman, but he’s solar powered and as he uses his powers he uses up his power and becomes weaker. With zero charge, he’s weaker than a normal human being. At full charge, he can take out cities. Midnighter is a fighter, he has an implant in his brain that lets him simulate each battle a million times in his head before the fight starts, which gives him an advantage against any opponent. They also happen to be a couple. Again, their sexuality didn’t make me like them any less, again it made the characters more interesting. It gave the group dynamic of The Authority (their supergroup) an interesting twist, and led to some compelling situations/dilemmas when one was in danger/captured/missing/whatever.

Orlando Jordan is not ‘an interesting wrestler who happens to be bisexual‘. He’s a freakshow, plain and simple. He’s weirder than Abyss.

Once again, TNA have wasted a great opportunity. Jordan is the first ever openly bisexual wrestler - if not in the world, then certainly in the mainstream. By treating it respectfully, maybe by giving him a male and a female valet and making it obvious that the three of them were involved, TNA could have painted themselves as a progressive and forward looking company who don’t discriminate, only push wrestlers based on talent, and aren’t afraid to show that to the world. Not exactly bad press, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Instead, they’ve painted themselves as immature, snickering adolescents. Orlando Jordan is in the middle of his first feud out of the (keyfabe) closet - the storyline goes something like this. Jordan fancies Rob Terry. Jordan stalks Terry dressed in over-the-top revealing outfits, and at one point sprays cream all over himself as if he was taking a load, and uses it as a strawberry dip. Then, Jordan makes sexual advances towards a CARDBOARD FUCKING CUTOUT of Rob Terry. Terry doesn’t like it, rips up the cutout and threatens Jordan. Jordan flips out, beats Terry to the ground and chokes him with a chain, then the following week beats him with a lead pipe.

So, Jordan’s character is a wrestler who obsessively stalks other wrestlers he is sexually attracted to, and when he gets rejected he responds with merciless, vicious and violent beatings? That sounds like the plot to a fucking horror movie. Is this really the best TNA could come up with as a character for a bisexual wrestler? A guy who came to TNA not for championship gold, but to molest wrestlers? If the straight wrestlers are capable of keeping business and pleasure separate and not stalking the Knockouts, why can’t Jordan do the same?

And that’s why I don’t like the gimmick. The character is defined by his sexuality, rather than merely having his sexuality as a mere facet of his personality. It exists solely to shock. And it’s one-dimensional. Is every feud going to consist of “I want to bum you, and if I can’t I’m going to beat the shit out of you”? It’s going to get very old very quickly if that’s the case.

I guess what I’m saying is…don’t hate on Jordan because he’s bisexual. It just makes you look like a bigot, and pushes people’s opinion of wrestling fans even further down from where it is now. Hate the character for being awful, sure. Hate the bookers for coming up with this shit - no doubt. But what the guy playing the character gets up to when the crowd goes home and the arena lights go out is his own fucking business.


1. All quotes paraphrased - as I said, no internet.
2. Innuendo intentionally ignored.